Friday, November 22, 2013

Day 469 The EXIT ment of fantasy.

I have been awake for a couple of hours, and I begin to notice that there are moments where I go into a fantasy composed of past events coupled with ideas as what would create a norm, as the values within our present system, because these are the stories I accepted that I build on as my soul/sole construct, as the social construct in which I spent my first seven years of life, one that has been built and touted for generations, this our present media ensures/maintains in the self interest of the product behind the presentation, because this is impulsing behaviors through belief, opinion and idea, with pictures and music and words. A tapestry of tools building an inner world, a collection of dimensions brought forward and played with to construct a following. And yet, this that is built is not equal in understanding to this physical earth, had it been, then there would not be starvation, deforestation, desertification, cancer, disease, animal abuse, substance abuse within and without. This meaning, the pollution of water and air, pollution of the human, plant an animal inner worlds: were we within, equal to the physical, in respect, there would be no abuse on earth. So what man has created, as the present system, is in separation from reality, from the physical, and thus, is in a lesser order of the use of the physical world.The consequence of this is a separation from an awareness, a connection to life, and as this a loss of depth perception that is a loss of connection, a loss of flexibility, changeability, a lightness of being that when suggested as such cannot be readily grasped as a movement, so accustomed have we become to the chaos and weight of friction and conflict, of stress. As such we have externalized that which is of no judgement and uses music and words and pictures to generate emotions and feelings into some order that is a very limited order, and yet, we see these tools created by machines generating these emotions, to which we all react and even call a “ Hallmark” moment. Within this we can directly see how our emotions and feelings are of no real substance, because they can be created with sound and color by a machine. And yet they are real? Can that emotion generated by a machine, feed the animals, or us? No. They really have no meaning, none. And, yet, this is what we are allowing to be impulsed within us?

I notice as I allow myself to go into imagination, that I am no longer present here. And within this that I miss here, I fragment myself from here, I allow myself to lie within fantasy based on limited dimension: my data as mind, as memory, is limited. And since I know there is electrical currents within my physical body, somehow, these pictures, as these memories, are held in place, my own personal halo in accord with the beliefs, opinions and ideas, that serve a system of self interest. So, this all started with me, as I accepted this and allowed this, and within this, as I look at the world and my own relationships, the disconnect can only be because I am not equal to what is real, as the physical. The confusion, as the lack of communication between people, is that these electric halos are not in sinc with one another, and each believes their halo is what is real, is what will enable their success - either through compliance or what to reject, both acts of separation because the halo is taken to be more than physical reality on which it is built.

If I slow down and look I will inevitably see that my mind as memory is my separation, and is a separation that is a collection of pictures that are based on ideas, beliefs, and opinions of a good hiding a bad, the bad being the judgement and the good being the justification for the judgement, a fragment of the initial separation as in wanting some idea to be more than being here, equal to physical reality.

And then, it is like a sadness as in not wanting to give this up, because it has been used - and taught- as how I survive. But this sadness is really like a deconstruction only, like letting go of a friend, but realizing this is not really a friend, it is only a comfort that in the end is not a real comfort as it is a comfort that allowed oneself to match a rhythm of a small group within a bubble, that in itself is a separation from physical reality. Is there a point within an addiction that letting go of the addiction is only difficult because the change requires an effort to rebuild and the grooves of self have built something that maybe worked in one immediate moment but have proven to not work within the test of time?

To slow down to such an extent, using breath, to see how often I cling to the past to use to build an idyllic future in the halo-graphic mind of memory using limited values is the separation from myself as life, equality to here as the physical world. Our pictures tell us what we are doing on so many levels, and because we are not here, we misread them, projecting our halo values onto them, our soul constructs, our sold selves to a secondary as an interpretation of reality as a judgement of one thing being more than another of which our media decides for us, this done by others who profit in their own self interest, identical in total separation but built of minutely changed measure of value and opportunity with a little more discipline. And this,  instead of seeing our equality, and enjoying the different manifestations of this orchestra of life as the physical. I accepted the supposed goods being sold, and these goods were in the house of my upbringing, so I used them to build my own separation, continuing a collective separation that now has a consequential outflow of abusing what is real, as the physical world, deciding that the within was more than the without of which the two are equal or life would not exist. And, the outcome of this is that life will not exist which if we take the time to look, we will see happening all over this planet, this physical universe.

This means I have to stop and realize my own separations, readable as energetic movements within myself, coming up as emotions and feelings from my solar plexus, the collection of my own thoughts and the generations before me that were of the same separation, and my thoughts that are where I make one thing a good and another a bad, this thought voice a judgement direct and indirect, projecting blame instead of being responsible here in common sense, this being the use of myself as life, as this that built the halo, all of which is my own compilation of my own accepted separation from myself as life, here.

So, I slow down to realize every movement within myself, to realize the story of my separation, and to forgive this back to common sense so that I am here, equal and one with and as the physical world, as this is me and I am it because all of it is life, not just parts. I walk through the self corrective scripts I have written to ground myself here, back to common sense.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the weight of protection and defense as in not looking here, as in taking a value, a fraction of existence, as a color, an idea about something and using this as a support, creating an idol, that creates a friction within and as me that I use to hold myself up, with such effort that the burden of this weighs me down and the outward manifestation of this, takes the very substance of me as life away until I begin to so subtly  shake, this eventually diminishing my human physical body, my gift of life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that all the times I became emotional in protection and self defense, that I was defending a lesser god as an idea, belief and/or opinion, and as this I was pushing away my own equality as life, my own solution right in front of me as the gift of life is here, as that which sustains me which I have rejected in favor of choosing a limitation because I feared what was really easier had I accepted and allowed it to simply be.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize this movement to define myself as an idea, opinion and belief as myself losing sight of life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the anger, as reaction, as resistance, as a damning of myself as life, self created, self sustained, has become a habit that only I can forgive.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that change is impossible, when in fact this that I have allowed is no different to a child throwing a tantrum, it can be stopped from one moment to the next, it is that easy, but when in the storm, self created, self blinding, that thin veil is only made big because it is all that I accept and look at.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this inner accepted and allowed friction and conflict has no real substance, because it is not equal and one to life, and as this not equal and one to life as solution, as life is always forgiving as what one would like to receive, which is life, absolutely.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the joy of life is in giving absolutely.

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