Day 35 Screwing young girls is screwing self as life.

Day 35 

I read an article today about Middle Eastern men in small shops in Britain seeking out vulnerable girls younger than 16 and enticing them in their new found independence with alcohol and attention and then turning them into “dick holes” for all their friends where they take them around town and allow up to 20 men to fuck these young girls, these children.

My husband was in the Swiss army, in the army was a baker who had been a policeman. This police man told a story about Yugoslavian men in Switzerland who would find young insecure vulnerable girls, marry them and then lock them into a room where all their friends would come and fuck them.  Evidently, the Swiss had a hard time finding these girls.These girls were not Muslim and therefor of no significance. This is what religion does, plasters labels on this physical world and decides what is life and what is not. If your religion were so strong and it is believed that if you are not of the faith of Mohammed you are “unholy”, then why would you dirty your dick with something that is not of your so strongly held faith? Is this not becoming that same dirt you label a human female physical body as that lacks this faith?

 It really is just a justification to fuck and nothing else, it has nothing to do with your religion. It is indicative of allowing self to become what brings in money and profit, and hiding self in the act of sex, not wanting to face self, not looking at this system and how it operates. It is a brutal act that cares nothing for the life of the young girl or the life of the man as himself.

Both man and woman in this situation has allowed themselves to become puppets of the strings of the ads plastered all over this earth, that are of semi naked prepubescent girls wearing underwear posing in evocative stances suggesting that quick fix of energy release as orgasm. A self interested act that does not consider life without or within. The men participating in this are no different than the girl being abused. It is like action. All it does is destroy both the male and the female. nothing is conquered, nothing is gained. The essence of self as life is dissipated into an energetic rush, where nothing of significance of self development is gained for both the girl and the male.

This is taking beauty and smearing it with shit, and the shit gets on the female and the male, this “shit” if the addiction to sexual energy, and is not life, is not the essence of self in expression one and equal to life, one and equal to this physical world that is life, that supports self here as an expression of life, sensing all that is this physical world. This is being a drug induced zombie, feeding a system of money as profit. 

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that sticking my dick into a young girl has meaning.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to believe that a young girl of different religion than my own is no longer a young girl.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see that a young girl is a young girl and no religion as a belief changes this fact.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to look at young girls and to see, realize and understand that it is only an idea in and as my mind that renders one young girl different from another.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see and realize that every young girl is unique and to not be able to see this means that there is something lacking in my ability to see life.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see and realize and understand that I am abusing life when I project a belief onto young girls and thus do not allow my self to expand through seeing the uniqueness in each and every young girl on this earth, no matter what their faith, and then, within this, to question why we have a system that does not bring this uniqueness forth and instead turns all women into an object of sex, where the woman/girl is not even seen for the value as life that they are.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that just as the men I know within my circle of men, where I see that each of them has something unique about them, so to  are all women just as unique within themselves, yet I am addicted to sexual desire, where I lose my ability to see what is unique in all life, and thus that there is something lacking in this desire that consumes my human physical body, as it renders me into a singular desire where I no longer am able to see the value of life, the uniqueness in every single thing in this world, thus, perhaps it is my self that has become limited, and yet this is the norm taught, and I have never stopped and questioned this, and only gone along with all the others who are not questioning this because I fear losing my friends, when, how can someone really be a supportive “friend” if the acts I participate in are acts that diminish my ability to see the uniqueness that is life around me.

Within this, I forgive my self for not allowing my self to realize that I have in fact become a sheep, unable to direct my self and have abdicated my self honesty to life, my self responsibility as life into a singular self interested movement as being sexual energy, a singular state of mind that obviously cannot sense the totality of life, and the religion in which I grew up has not developed this ability within my self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not question why I am in a situation where I need to line up to have sex with a young girl and to not question the abuse to life that this act is in fact.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not place my self in the shoes of this girl and to realize that she is the same as me, and that I would not want this to happen to me, and thus I am not living the words of Christ, to not do unto others what I would not want done unto my self.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that when I abuse life, I abuse my self as I am life one and equal to all life on this planet, as what is here is life in and as this physical world and it is only ideas in and as my mind that create separation, which I accept and allow if I stand as a singular idea and not as my self as life, one and equal as life to all that is of this earth.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that in abusing life I am spiting my self as life.

I forgive my self for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the only way I will be able to see beyond the singular relationships of the mind is to walk the process of stopping the mind.

I commit my self to stopping the beliefs in and as my mind, as what I was taught through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to bring my self back to my self as life, where I can stand one and equal to all that is here as this physical world that is life.

I commit my self to realizing that I am one and equal to all that is here on this earth, where I then stand and support a system of equality as equal money to clean up the ideas taught that separate my self as life, ideas that disallow my self to treat this physical world, as my self, as how I would like to be treated no matter what gender or form I happen to be in manifestation on this unconditionally giving physical world as earth.

I commit my self to no longer seeing my self as separate from a young girl.

I commit my self to stopping the abuse of the mind as singular desires unaware of the uniqueness of life as this physical world and to bring my self back one and equal to this physical human body where I am able to sense with the totality of my human physical body the multi dimension of life on this earth.

I commit myself to realizing that lack of respect for this world is lack of respect for my self.

I commit my self to realizing that my religion has not taught me to respect and become aware of this physical world.

Life Review - Ego and Sex = Catastrophe 

Day 34 Competition amongst women.

Day 34

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I need to compete with other women.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I need to compare my self to other women.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that a younger woman who has a husband is more than my self because she has a husband.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that an older woman who has a husband is more successful that my self because she has a husband.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to think that a woman with a man is more than my self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to allow the back chat in my mind to have any significance, as these thoughts that these woman with husbands are more than I am because I do not have a husband have any significance as these thoughts are of a limited design that does not include the being of my self here as life, where I am life, as I am here within this physical body wether or not I have a husband.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel less than because I do not have a husband

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that having a husband means that I have less value than a woman with a husband.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to label my self as husbandless.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to exist as an act of comparison to another where I am not even listening to the words being spoken and instead am labeling the other as having a husband, instead of being here one and equal to what is said, and taking this and applying the principle of oneness in equality where I direct what is spoken towards what is best for all, to become the living word where life is supported and thus myriad expressions are what becomes what is lived and not the singular idea of an object labeled as “having a husband, or not having a husband” as the measure of what actually physically exists.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see/realize/understand that one of my children could one day be a “wifeless” or “husbandless” person, where I would want them to not feel less than or more than because of a marital status, and that what I would want for them is to be themselves as an expression of life, to live a life in dignity and become self perfected beings.

I forgive my self for taking it personally that I am no longer a part of the “dinner party” scenario as I was when I was married, not realizing that there was never any “single” people at these dinner parties.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I was taught to believe married couples were the norm, a man and a woman together, where being involved with alternate life styles meant I was participating in a subculture as though, as the word suggests, I was not apart of the mainstream culture and thus there was something lacking within me as a person, when this does not make any sense, because people with out a heterosexual partner are still people who shit, and breath, and fart and go to work and movies etc. and are in fact no different than people with a husband and/or a wife.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that another woman can be more than or less than my self, where in fact another woman may have a developed skill that I have no development in, where this does not make this person more or less than my self, where I can come to understand another expression as life from this development in this person, and that any woman who acts superior is labeling themselves as more than based on developed skills and thus, is acting as ego and not present in and as listening to words spoken.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see/realize/understand that comparison and label limit and stagnate existence as they continue the belief that the human is not a living, physical, expressing entity able to learn and direct itself, to expand, and become aware of how this physical world actually works.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to also place value judgements on what is being said, comparing what I have said to what other women have said and then judging what I have said to be more than or less than what has been said, where I am both making comparisons as to how other women are dressed, what their level of profession is, and what they say as a contribution to the conversation where i then compete to find something to say that is accepted as valid, and noted by the group of women, which is my self existing in competition and not being present as what is best for all within the principle of oneness in equality, as what is best for self is best for all, where what is considered is that I am one and equal to all women, and thus anything said or done in competition does not consider equality as what is best for all, where if I realized in every breath that I am one and equal to all women as life, what would be considered within every breath  would be supportive for my self and all women, as well as the small baby women being born into this world who are one and equal to me as life, no matter where on earth they are born.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see that when I compare I am existing with a limited set of values, and thus not considering my self as life, one and equal to all life on this planet, and thus in being comparison, I am spiting life, and blaming, be lame towards life, for what exists on this earth as a game of survival within a system that values profit over life, a system that attempts to own unconditionally given life sustaining resources for self interest believing this to be free will, when this is the will of limited insight and unequal consideration, a non awareness of this physical world being an expression of life, where life is the value.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see that in being a judge as being comparison I perpetuate inequality existent on this earth and miss the abundance of expression available within this physical world as my learned values I use to make comparisons are of limited insight as they are based on a system that values profit over life.

I commit my self to breath, to realizing that I am one and equal to all life as I am life, here within this physical world where this physical world is a means to become one and equal to all life here, the eye of the needle to self realization, self honesty, and self responsibility as life.

I commit my self to self forgiveness, writing and corrective application to remove the limited design and consideration of life that the I as the ego of my self in separation, spite and blame towards life, as I consider what supports my self as ego within a game of inequality that allows money to determine who lives and who dies.

I commit my self to  realize that reaction to ego supports the suppression of life that presently exists on this earth as ego is a reflection, and thus a cause and effect ( when allowed substantiation through participation) of the continued abuse to women and baby girls that have no opportunity to become self perfected beings one and equal to this physical world as they are born into a system where some have access to earth’s resources/money and others do not from the day they are born determining the length of their life, access to education, and the means of a dignified existence.

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Day 33 Ordinariness

Day 33 Ordinariness

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe I have to much to do.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I cannot get things done in time.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to focus on a list of things I need to get done instead of being physically practically here taking things one step at a time as this is all I can do as what I physically am here as a human being with two arms and two legs, where physically there is only so much I can do as this, where realizing this will allow me to stop worrying and planning and instead simply walk through what I can physically do in one moment and breath and be here and enjoy what I am doing here in this moment.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I have completed many projects, thus to do this I simply take what needs to be done one step at a time and have fun with what i am doing, not worrying about making mistakes, simply breathing and using my common sense here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize from a memory, where i became anxious as I was directing a group of men, where the men stopped working, and I could not get them to continue, and they ignored me, so I went to do the work my self without compliant, and what followed was that one by one the men came and started working and in no time the job was done.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am waisting time and breath existing as the mind in feeling like I have too much to do.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have an attitude of life being difficult because on top of all of this two huge willow trees fell in my yard and now on top of everything else, I have to rent a chain saw and take care of these two trees, when actually going out and spending a day in the yard taking care of these fallen trees can be fun.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to  feel that I have to rush, where rushing will end up causing more problems because I will not have been present in common sense in and as the moment and instead be moving my self as “wanting to finish.”

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have the same approach when talking with my mother and father, in wanting results when I am talking with someone who dismisses things they do not know and want to talk about what they know within certain relationships, where they believe there is no connection between politics and finance, for instance, and realize that understanding may not come in one conversation, where simple points can be brought out and left to be continued at a later time.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize I tend to do the same thing I am doing in facing a list of tasks that need to be done with wanting to rush and becoming anxious in finishing said tasks as my behavior, as when I am talking with people, instead of just being ordinary, meaning not having any expectations, not wanting an outcome, expecting and n outcome as this “ironically” dismisses my self from my self as breath and common sense here, where in practical fact , I cannot be here and taking the step by step physical reality of getting a task done, just as when I interact with the words people speak where the words reveal the beliefs, opinions and ideas, that can only be walked through in common sense one step at a time, where if I rush in desire or expectation I miss points, just as I will miss an obvious practical thing to be done in completing a task, where when I miss something I have to go back and start again and this ends up lengthening the duration of completing a task.

I forgive my self for not realizing/seeing /understanding that the word ordinariness gives me the answer, as in doing things in order, which implies that a task can only be walked in order, just as the words in a conversation are a brick wall of understanding and thus the words within a conversation are in an order and that order can be seen, where the task is to take the words/bricks and order them in such a way that what they guide, as create, as “live” when walked in common sense will become living words as what is best for all is the simplicity of an order that is aware of the whole, in consideration of the whole, which is how a task is approached in joy and fun, as simply being one and equal to here.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that I cannot know the next moment until I am here in this moment, thus do I need the ordinary to bring me here, as all as one as equal.

I commit my self to allowing my self to become ordinary.

I commit my self to realizing in every breath, in every moment that there is, as this physical reality only the ordinary.

I commit my self to breathing here in complete ordinariness.

I commit my self to living ordinariness, where the ‘extra-ordinary” accumulates to become what is best for all as what is best for self is what is best for all, as this is what being ordinary practically walked manifests as.

The 7 year journey to nothingness

Self Trust

The Cross

Day 32 - Space

I am here in this physical body, I am here, I am life, I can relax and realize equality, embrace this, be this. I need not fear the cry of separation, after all it is a cry, and a cry is a wanting. The crier is the same as me, the seeker of self as life, the knowing that there is no separation, that separation is the illusion. My own energetic storms are a loss of sense, my vulnerability is my sensitivity, I take the blame and the spite and I earth this, I realize the separation is a perception of distance, an acceptance of space between, where the space is one and the same as my self, the space allowing expression, subtlety, the space is the playing field, as much substance as myself, where one can move as self as life.

This is like playing the violin, where the space between the notes become as much as the note, where the space is vast, and so allowing of movement.

Is this what divides the illusion that the space is empty, when in fact is is the stage for expression.

I went to an audition one time, where I was in this big empty hall, and I stood on this brightly lighted stage. I was very nervous. So I said to my self, this is space, fill it with sound, take away - so to speak- the sense of it as this big empty thing and my self as this tiny puny thing within this. So I picked up my violin and just started doing what ever, not what I was going to play, I decided I didn’t care what anyone thought, I needed to feel the space to know what I was dealing with, and I had been so afraid for so long I was really sick of being afraid, being afraid is a fucking drag.

So, in this audition I filled the space. And it was really fun. By the time I had to stop playing I no longer wanted to, it was too much fun. This is the closet I can fathom that being life is, and there is no excuse that this is not what is on this earth for every thing that is here, because this is the substance of life.

If constriction is what one is within than this substance as life is pulled in and petrified, and thus all that is here, the whole, as everything has no space to be, thus the ability of life as the form that the human is here on this earth cannot be until all and everything is allowed to move as life here, as forgiving of self as life. This physical world and the space that is allowing the form of this physical world is in constriction on a grand scale, as ego’s grab, as self constricts in fear of loss, in a belief that a label sustains one, a signature must be held fast, this is creating a grid on top of space, that field of expression, this is as much a confined pen, as what exists on this earth with the animals held fast unable to move, rotting in non expression as what they are as the very form that they are. And this is every human being here on this earth. And each human is crying in their pens just as much as that animal. We don’t even realize that this is what we are, yet we must, because we tell ourselves that we are this, our stories tell us we are this, our obsessions tell us that we are this. There is no reason to be obsessed, it is an indication of needing and wanting and thus an indication of separation from ease, obsession is dis-ease.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not see/realize/understand that fear of criticism is my self unaware of the whole, and my self fearing a death, where the only death is the death of limited insight.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear space.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that the space is as much my self as the objects within the space.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that the space is the playing field of my self in and as an expression of life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize the space between my self and what is here is a means to connect and realize my own equality and to express this equality within and as each breath I take.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to make the space equal and one with me, to connect with all that is here through as as the space that is here that is the playing foeld of expression, life expression as my self here one and equal to space.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that space is what connects instead of what separates.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not be thankful for the space between my self and everything that is here, as this space is what connects all the forms that are on this earth that are of substance in expression working in tandem to create this playing filed of expression as life here on this forgiving earth.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am separate from anything on this earth, that I can possibly be alone, where i am here as substance as the physical within the space that is here as life, as earth, where this space is one and equal to the forms made from this space as this is all the substance in and as life here, where is this space were realized as life, where all the forms that are here were realized as life, one and equal, what would manifest is the expression of life, a state of ease instead of what presently exists as a state of dis-ease as life.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that all must be able to express themselves as life in order for life to really begin on this earth, as one singular constriction in fear will upset the whole space of life here, just as this does within the human physical body, where the statement, as within so without makes sense as life is all as one as equal.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to be intimidated by space.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that space is something that is real as in a perception that space means division and separation.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that space and time are actually one and the same, both divisions into separation, the illusion that has trapped my self into and as a mind consciousness system.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize my breath can be my self within and as the sense of space within this physical form.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that space is what allows me to sense another, to experience the expression of another, that what is believed to be distance is actually an opportunity to experience expression manifest as life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear space instead of enjoying space as all that is here within space is life, one and equal to my self as life.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see/realize/understand that when I constrict I actually disallow all that is here to be in a state of ease as life.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see and realize that all the constrictions I exist as are causing disease within my human physical body as I have suppressed my self in an effort to fit into a limited design as what is sold as what I am and how I should be by a capitalistic system of profit that promotes behaviors that feed the benefit of money accumulation for a few, who themselves have never been life, and fear losing what they believe they have m when they are as fearful of space as anyone, having lost all perception of the reality that space is just as equal to them as the objects and forms within the space that is this existence and thus separation into more than and less than is an illusion.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting myself to see that a pyramid built on this earth is a grid like structure creating an illusion that one can fall, when in fact it is really an indication that space needs to be filled with structures of support, when in fact space is the support, the playing field for expression.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear space, when space can be sensed.

I commit my self to easing the constriction I have accepted and allowed within my human physical body, to breath and feel the space within and as my human physical body to become one and equal to the space as my self as this human physical body.

I commit my self to getting out of the illusion of the mind, the movie of no substance that is my mind as becoming aware of the space as one and equal to my self here as life.

I commit my self to realizing the space around me as one and equal to me.

I commit my self to no longer separating my self from space.

I commit my self to enjoying space as one and equal to my self here, where spite and blame is my self in fear of space, as a belief that I am separate from space, when in fact I am of the same substance as space, and thus is space the means of connection through expression equal and one to all that is here in and as a form of space.

I commit my self to realizing that spite an blame is a disconnect from space as space being equal and one to my self here, where breath is my self living and being one and equal to space as space is life.

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Day 31 Embrace

Day 31 Embrace self

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to desire to be held

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to desire to have someone hold me, just hold me and accept me for what I am.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that it is I that must hold my self and accept my self for what I am

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I need someone outside of my self to hold me and accept me for what I am.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not hold me as my self accepting my self for what I am for what I have accepted and allowed and that it is only me who must hold me and accept me for what I am as life, as an expression in and as life, as this is my self allowing and accepting my self to embrace my self as life here, as I am life here.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to embrace me as life here, all that I have defined my self as and thus to forgive this as this is what I am and not what I am as what I am is equal and one to all that is here on this earth as this is me and this is not me as I am life here of substance able to express as all that is here in and as breath here where I am all and I am nothing, I am not fixed as some label, I am not a separation from life I am life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that the only way to embrace my self is with another, to have a picture of being with another in order to be embraced, where I am in every moment embraced by life here as I am life, I am in the embrace of and as life here as I am this, thus in embracing my self I am embraced and embracing my self, where I become one and equal as my self as life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am separate from life, when I am life, and it is only a limited mind of reflection of what i believe I am not that is what I have allowed my self to be that is the separation, that is my self in feriority of my self as life, where I wait for validation, where I wait for a sign, where I wait for the embrace of life as being something separate from me, when this embrace as life is right here as I am this, I am life here, this embrace here has always been here, I have not looked, I have not seen, I have not heard, I have not felt my self as life here, embraced my self as life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have abdicated my self for some limited idea of what I am.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have abdicated the very life all around me, as the birds, as the grass, as the trees and the expression of life in people, in nature, in substance as I sought an embrace of limited design where I believed I needed a feeling and emotion, a fix, and energetic wisp of  a surge to be what made me feel alive , where this never satisfied, this never brought any sense of self being embraced, where I believed there was something wrong with my self in my application of communicating when In fact it was the act of looking for embrace without and attaching a feeling and emotion to this embrace that was what separated my self from finding/being/sensing an embrace of my self as life, where nothing outside of my self can validate my self as life as the way to embrace life is to embrace my self as life, so that the substance of myself as life can then embrace life as my self embracing my self as life, as though my self as life is the way and the means to connect to life that is here as all are life as what is here is life, one and equal.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize I have become so separated from my self as life that I will have to walk through all that I sought as self validation and bring my self back to self honesty as self as life in order - deconstructing the disordering of my self into and as dishONEsty as my self as life, where I forgive my self for not accepting and allowing my self as life to embrace my self as life here, where in common sense no teacher/parent/god would have this any other way, as the gift of life is what one is as life, given unconditionally to be and become an expression in and as life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not see/realize/understand that I am life, it is OK to EMBRACE my self as life, there is no shame, no guilt, no harm, no dishonor in accepting and allowing my self to EMBRACE my self as life as I AM LIFE or I would not BE HERE.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that the EMBRACE of my self as life is conditional.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear embracing my self as life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to connect fear to embracing my self as life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own fear.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to wait, to feel that there is something out there somewhere in some fuzzy logic belief that I am supposed to wait to embrace myself as life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to believe that embracing my self as life is contingent on entering some heavenly domain where a supposed “god” will give me the OK to allow my self to embrace my self as life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must hear the words, “ embrace yourself as life, my child.”

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that the embrace of my self as life involves energetic love.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self  feel that embracing my self as life would be a selfish act, where ironically this would be SELF ISH as in self expressing the “ish-ness” of self as life!

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to be ashamed that I have not accepted and allowed the very gift of life given, my self as my self is life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to mys elf to miss the elf, the elf as life as “self” as my elf as life.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I cannot give what I am not, if I am not embracing my self as life I cannot give myself as life and thus can I receive no embrace from and as life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that rejection is of my own doing as I have not embraced my self as life here.

I commit my self to embracing my self as life here.

I commit my self to breathing, and with every in-breath to sense my self here as life, to sense life as all as one as equal, to within this realize that what i am with each in-breath is my self, where I face all that I have allowed as self in joy, in the realization that this is me, this is life, this is sound, this is of the depth of the expression of and as life, here.

I commit my self to enjoy this self as life, and to make my in breath equal and one to my out breath, where the breath of this equal and one breath is what all have on this earth, to walk what will allow all the embrace themselves as life, with all that is required.

I commit my self to accepting and allowing my self to breath, to embrace my self as life in and as breath here.

I commit my self  to realizing that self embrace is the embrace of life.

I realize that until I embrace my self as life unconditionally I am not as this earth, that which gives unconditionally.

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Day 30: Hemorrhoid

I have a hemorrhoid and it is really annoying and it hurts. I have had them about four times in my life. The first when I was pregnant. It was awful, because I was Italy on tour and I could not walk and there was all this great food and I did not want to eat because of this hemorrhoid. 

The other times I have gotten them is when I ate corn chips or corm tortillas, for some reason this does not like to go through my system. So, I avoid corn ships and corn tortillas. But I ate some the other day because I happen to really like corn chips and corn tortillas. 

Interesting that I get this when both of my children have come home from college.

So, I will look at this word HEMORRHOID, already I hear the word “horrid” and horrid it is, anyone out there knows this. if I hide this and am embarrassed, then the problem will never be brought out into the open and resolved. Walk through this, look at it and find a solution, hiding is not a solution, hiding is hiding. it is a simple as that. And we are all the same. So get over it and let’s get this mess cleaned up. This world needs to become life. A constant. Heaven. That which is right here but we are all too busy hiding from our own gift of response ability as life. The absurdity of this becomes apparent if we take the time to look.

So,  HEMORRHOID  : horror, more, he, or, void, orr/ear, here more void, here more hide ( interesting that my ass hole is my hide),  

Backwards spelling: d i o h r r o m e h, dios/god row me.

Dictionary definition:

hemorrhoid |ˈhem(ə)ˌroid| ( Brit. haemorrhoid)

noun (usu. hemorrhoids)

a swollen vein or group of veins in the region of the anus. Also (collectively) called piles .

DERIVATIVES

hemorrhoidal |ˌhem(ə)ˈroidl| adjective

ORIGIN late Middle English : via Old French and Latin from Greek haimorrhoides (phlebes) ‘bleeding (veins),’ from haima ‘blood’ + an element related to rhein ‘to flow.’

Interesting: Flowing of blood from the anus. Am I shitting out my life force….yes.

My younger son is smoking pot and taking albuteral. My older son snaps at me all the time, as though I do not make sense. he does not want to come home, as this summer will be in Germany for an internship. I feel I have little time to clean up what I have participated in with my children, as though I am still here in the process of birth with them. I am pregnant with them and here, birthing them, an endless task, an endless act of birth, an endless flow of my blood to support them as I feel I have created them and am responsible for them as they are me, as I took on the responsibility of them when I accepted and allowed them to become a replica of my self, to carry on my believed superior values in a system of survival/competition and profit. They are a feel good for my self, to believe I have been a good woman, a good mother, that I know what life is about and will be successful through my children.

They are capable of becoming themselves. This they can only find themselves. And an understanding of how this system works is really all I can give at this point. Speak, and though not heard immediately, in time the words will come back, this is what I can do, to stand and speak even if it appears this is not being heard. As things between the three of us have become calmer, and the boys notice this. Just keep going. And do not judge, or self blame as this is not a solution. And hemorrhoids hurt like hell and hell is being hell and not being here self directing as what is best for all.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to blame my self for what i have accepted and allowed, to become woe full, a woeman, to and towards my children, wanting them to understand, which is my self wanting apology and is not productive in directing in common sense within and as the principle of oneness in equality.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to allow this immense sense of sadness where i believe I have destroyed life, the life that is in my children, while here I am with a hemorrhoid that is my self destroying the life that is my self in self pity and shame for what I have accepted and allowed, which is the mind, and more of the same self  punishment that is not my self being life here, as life does not punish, life moves as what is best for all if allowed to exist, yet in abdicating my own self responsibility as life, I have allowed directives within a system of limited design, as profit/competition for survival, the division of the resource of this world in the name of self interest lacking consideration of self as life as self believed itself to be separate from life, and thus became addicted to this separation as it believed itself to be more than and less than as it began to compare and label as more than and less than and within this separation build towers of value judgements and sought to uphold these values as a means of self definition and survival and required resource as life, to feed this totem/self created religion ( rely on) system of belief separate from self that is of energy as energy is separation into and as more than and less than, and thus energy which needed to burn resource in order to continue the flow of energy as what self had become in separation from equality as life as the essence of what self was in fact.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to blame my self for what I have accepted and allowed and to not realize that this perpetuates the act of separation and is more of the same as it is energy, as self judgement and self pity are negative energy experiences, an illusion of the mind - as the mind is separation from here as self as life as common sense as equality and oneness- and thus non directive as the principle of oneness in equality which is being here one and equal to life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to believe I am responsible for my children, when all I can do is show the structure of what is here, what has been accepted and allowed and it is up to them to either see this or ignore this.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear failing.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear success.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to wish someone would come and help me when this is pointless because this is wanting someone else to speak for me, and thus this is self abdication and in fact I must realize it is the self as the living word here that is all I can self perfect my self as, and someone being here is not the self as my self being the doing of this, thus wanting someone here for this is not something to consider.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that this is a burden.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to get really fearful when my older son starts to hear me and then looks at me and says he would no longer be able to exist in this world if he looked.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I do not matter as I am already so fucked with what I have accepted and allowed that all I can do is try and clean up what i have accepted and allowed, when I remember reading that one of the resonances said that age does not a matter, so I have to keep going and there is not anything else to do anyway because I cannot go back, which is how I got here in the first place.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to not realize, that the present system on this earth is not about allowing life, but about allowing energetic addiction sustenance as sex, power, money, control, and does not move in a way that is an expression of life, is filled with words that separate and feed and direct the human towards sexual gratification, and comfort from facing what self has accepted and allowed though self not realizing the separation from life in abdication of self responsibility as life where what is sought is a feel good, positive experience of self justification and self validation as an idea/belief/opinion of what self is in seeing only more than and less than, that has created a halo/ghost/bubble of imagery as memory around each and every one of us, this that is our separation and what we believe to be real, this that as we age becomes all that we are, this very being of what we are that which eats of the resource of this physical world that is the human physical body, as within so without, as above so below.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to expect immediate response and correction within my self and my children, where if this does not immediately manifest, I accuse my self of having done something wrong as I become the woeman of life. where I am a negative experience to allow a man to have an egotistical positive experience, there by not self directing my self as life, correcting my self into and as breath within the principle of oneness and equality to and as life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to then, within this, try and create scenarios where I can prove to myself that i am capable of speaking where I will then have a positive energetic experience thus turning this whole process into more of the same as what has been accepted and allowed, thus I cannot try and change what I have accepted and allowed within my self , my world, here, there is only breath and becoming the living word as what is best for all.

This brings up a memory, the night my husband killed himself. I was sitting in the living room, there was my sister and a shrink there watching me. the shrink just watched me. Suddenly, and this was my interpretation of this, it seemed as though Matthew was there, as me, was in me, like I could smell him, and the pain came, such intense pain, like everything was nauseous, like I wanted to regurgitate my whole human insides, it was so intense and I want to say unbearable, but I remained silent and still as I believed that I was being shown how and why Matthew did what he did, to get away from the pain that her felt a pain so e-messed within his human physical body he could no longer take this and wanted to escape this. How was I supposed to express this to a shrink? When I had no way of knowing what the hell this was, all I can say is that it felt like hell.

I commit my self to no longer blaming my self for what I have accepted and allowed as this is not the being of my self as the principle of oneness in equality here as life.

I commit my self to breathing and no longer existing as fear for my children as this is not a solution and just as in the movie BUCK, where he realizes that suffering is not necessary for the human in self development, so too, is this suffering as this separation from life in and as a mind consciousness system, that is actually a parasite, created to show us what we have accepted and allowed in becoming separate from life, where all there is to do is to clean this up and become the living word as life, as the principle of oneness in equality, where life is supported on this earth instead of burned to support an addiction to highs and lows in energy, in separation from life.

I commit my self to supporting a system that allows this world to be cleaned up so that heaven on earth may begin through supporting an equal money system, where all can live the life of a millionaire and learn to become the living word in joy and NOT through suffering.

I commit my self to not realizing that every time I have a desire for sex I have existed as my mind, and abdicated my own common sensibility as life, and thus accumulated energy that needs release, like discharging the smoke from my own energetic picture show that is my self in separation from my self as life, where my words had no substance.

I commit my self to realizing that all anger and self pity is not who I am as life, but is who I am as what I have accepted and allowed my self to be what I am as consciousness and is thus the why I am in pain and disease as I have allowed my self to become energy/separation from the principle of oneness and equality that is life here.

I commit my self to no longer accepting and allowing my self to have a symbiotic relationship with a parasite in fear of my self as life here.

Day 29: Family is home.

My family is here, mother’s day, mother and sister came, sons are home. All in one day. My self, I become so aware of trying to communicate and remain here with ease and I find my self  trying to bridge a gap away from creating more patterns of separation, to not react but to direct, through not reacting. Meanwhile, this sense of being depressed comes, where as heaviness comes that is my self not expressing my self, as though this is not allowed. So, it is just trying to not become this, to use common sense to be here with what is real and to realize that this is all I can do, is be here and not allow any emotions and feelings and thoughts of judgement that are past on perceptions of inferiority and superiority to be real, to not measure and compare, as this is only the mind in separation from my self as being an expression of life, to realizing that all that is here is my self in another life, and thus one and equal to me here. So I breath. Even though I may not know where to go in common sense, hanging onto a more than or less than belief is simply not an option. It is more of, “ not going there into judgement,”  as though this “tiger” must be tamed and realized.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that there is a personality of my self that is all that there is, and that this is what is real.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to take the conversation, the small talk about how and why things are, what they are, and how they move, from family members as something to combat, or feel inferior to, or take as a threat, or react to, or judge as a waste of time.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to want effects as reactions and responses from family members.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel I am in a state of simply not allowing any emotional reactions to come up as this is my self as my mind and thus my self existing in my past, based on memories that are self judgements of more than and less than, inferiority and superiority.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to at times speak to validate my self,  which is my self validating a personality as an idea based on my past.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that at the moment it is enough to simply not be a reaction,to not take things personally and to stand up from this habit of taking things personally.

I commit my self to not taking things personally.

I commit my self to breathing through any reactions and to stand here without allowing my self to react to what is said by others within my world at the moment.

I commit my self to remaining here in breath, to being gentle with my self and facing what I allow my self to exist as emotionally and to realize this is based on ideas of more than and less than, and thus not what is real, not what is directive as what is best for all, to clean up what has existed as relationships separate from the principle of what is best for all, here.

I commit my self to remaining calm and directed with my self, to bring everything back to self, and directing my self from the principle of oneness in equality, to what is best for all, as I remain and move in and as breath while my sons are here for the next few days.

I commit my self to not becoming sad about what has been accepted and allowed within the role of my self as a mother within a system of profit, of all the beliefs and ideas that has been the movement of my self within a role geared towards the support of survival, competition and thus comparison leading to fragmented personality development and not an awareness of what has been allowed on this earth and thus a lack of awareness of my self as life, and the self that is what is my sons as themselves as life, where this sadness is not a solution and must be forgiven as the only choice is to realize what has been accepted and allowed, to forgive, and to correct within the principle of what is best for all is best for self.

I commit my self to not allowing my self to seek a positive experience where i am validated within the choices I make, and to use such desires to reveal my own separations of believing something is lost, or can be lost, and to direct my self not as mind, but through breathing and remaining here, where just as I continue to breath life into and as my human physical body, so will I breath life into what is here, through remaining within breath before speaking, as the only response is as what is best for all.