Day 22 Irritation - self separation

Day 22 Irritation- self separation 

I have been impatient and irritated, noticing this coming up as I talk with people. As I write this I see that I become irritated by a lack of common sense in people around me, which is a lack of common sense within my self. I have voiced my irritations and within the conversation expressed solutions and I get a lot of agreement, but when suggesting becoming involved I immediately am met with justifications.

But this is my world, a complacent middle class, where it is polite to agree, but here is where it stops. The idea of actual change is not possible, actually physically directing is lacking.

An example; my car mechanic. My gas peddle has some electrical part that registers the peddle moving to start the car. This part breaks down. This has happened. The mechanic told me this peddle will do this, all it takes is to bypass this point directed by this trigger. Just press the peddle and find the fine point just beyond this trigger. He then said many people cannot do this, but I could try. I did. It works. The mechanic said it was not necessary to change this.

The point here is when he said, “not many people can do this.” Yes, many people have little common sense of their physical world. I may have slightly more and I am sure there is more to be in physical common sense.

I feel like I face this all the time in talking with people. In word they can agree but in practice there is no application, and the moment of asking for application, there is no movement. It is almost as though there is resistance to any action, but words are OK, safe.

Sound like separation?  Many times people will agree but that moment of actually applying , nervousness sets in and fear. I do this as well, here I must breath and not fear a mistake.

When I practice the violin, I have to slow down and realize the space I bypass within fear- as nervousness or anxiety. It is like seeing where I stop, or what I know, and incorporating beyond this, as there are spaces un sensed or filled with awareness. Like anxiety does not allow sense. Here i have to breath and slow down. So, if this is not realized by a person, as this is what anxiety is, then the extension of self cannot fathom this unless this is really sought. And even here, to begin this seems impossible at the start.

Today in my car, I was listening to recordings from Eqafe. I breathed, I listened. I started to get so tired. I griped the wheel and listened and breathed. And, I really wanted to go to sleep. I almost nodded off. It is like not being able to really breath, as though there are things in the way of breathing , of sensing. It is there but the fear, the stories of the past cloud, the unresolved are in the way, slow down and breath. I just became a state of “suspension” remaining in wanting to sleep and breathing. It is like the separated parts are the ONLY looked at parts, and thus are distanced from the whole, singular frames of reference floating on a moving river, thus the illusion becomes separation as unconnected to the whole. Thus, there need be no fear. Breath and calm.

So, I feel this irritation as this separation, this lack of communication with reaching beyond verbal agreement, where fear then comes up and immediate shut down happens. I have become separate from my environment.

Meanwhile, underlying this is a sense of separation within me with my environment. I am aware that I have no family, and this came up as I was driving today. Even when I was teaching after my husband died, as he had committed suicide, I felt I did not deserve to teach because my husband had committed suicide, as though I lacked something. Ironically another teacher here in the schools had a husband who killed himself as well, and it was suggested that she leave the school. As the two had been separated for some time, she stood up and managed to keep her job. ( she had also been teaching for sometime and with budget cuts I sometimes wonder if excuses are sought to get rid of tenured teachers to replace them with newbies to lower school costs0

But this is the world in which we live, where a singular idea is accepted, inconsiderate of the whole.

Anyway, since my children are in college I am alone in the “picture” of society limitation. And this “feeling” came up today, so I am here to forgive this as this is a separation that I have accepted and allowed as belief within my world and perhaps is a disconnect from my world, as I have separated my self from here as believing I lack the very image I am seeing as my emotion and feeling, where i see only this as how I feel and thus ignore the whole of my life, my husband’s life, how this world works, and the potential judgements of other within their own beliefs about this, as they are also limited in a common sense of the whole.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to long for a family.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to miss my dead husband, to miss the companion ship, to wish her were here, just to have company because I believe that I need company.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that there is something missing from my world, when this is just an idea as all that I know and the habit I have existed as.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I cannot function because my husband is dead, when I have proved to my self that in deed I can function, so this projection as belief is an illusion.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to desire a “family” which is actually a fuzzy logic, because I have had a family and continue to have a family, thus this is really a singular image I only see and not what is actually here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to want to “have a family” and to not see that this is longing for a past as my life has gone into another period where my children are in college and my mind functions from the past and projects onto the future and thus this is only the mind as my self in separation from here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I need the picture perfect family picture, with woman, man, and children.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to imagine what it would be life to have my husband here at this changing point in time where our children have gone off to college.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to  realize I miss my husband and not my children as my children need to “go out and learn about the world on their own” and what i was told by family and friends was that I would miss my children and this is not what i am missing, I am missing my husband, which is my self in separation from here LOL

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that many times people have told me what i was going to feel and it ended up not being what happened within me.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to have the feeling of missing my husband.

I forgive my self  for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that this feeling is  more in  self interest as self religion as what I have been taught to believe that I must complete the picture of acceptable society, and thus as this, I feel separate from society in that I am not the picture perfect woman with a family, where I have a husband.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to judge my self as being less than because i lack a member of the family picture.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that there is something lacking in my existence because I no longer have my husband.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to  exist within a negative polarity in and as not having the complete family picture where I judge a complete family picture as being a positive.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have romantic ideas about being a family picture, where I exist as a singular story book romance of the perfect family.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self for not realizing that this idea of a perfect family is  inconsiderate of a multi-dimensional existence.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to  idolize a family as more than any other situation,

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to pity my self for not having the perfect family picture.

I commit my self to realizing that not having the perfect family picture of a husband and children as being something separate from my self as what i am supposed to be and that not having this means that I am less than life, as i am the same person whether or not I have a perfect family picture existence or not.

I commit my self  to realizing that I project separation from existence in believing myself to lack what is believed to be more than within this world as I believe I no longer fit into what i have been told I need, meaning I need a man.

I commit my self to breath, to stop and breath, to bring my self to what is actually physically here.

I commit my self to breathing, and i bring this point of separation as an idea of lack back to my self  and place my self one and equal to what is here, as my husband is dead thus wanting and wishing for something is separation from who I am in what i do, even if he was here.

I commit my self to realizing that husband or no husband, this has nothing to do with who I am in what I do.

I commit my self to breathing, to realize that I am allone here, and as this, it is what I am within what I do in every moment here and this is not contingent on a husband by my side or not.

I commit my self to removing all feelings of guilt about my husband’s death, as this is living in the past about something that I can do nothing about here, in this moment.

I commit my self  to breathing, to breath, to being here, as I am life, with or without a husband and that it is only a singular belief as held in view as being more than that is the limitation.

Heaven's Journey to Life

Redefining Fear

Desteni I Process

Day 21 My Story as a Widow

My Story as a Widow.

What happens when a great shock comes into one’s life? Where everything one has is lost, all the relationships are lost; friends, country, lifestyle, situation? By relationships I mean, the very people in your world, the binds what I had, all lost in one moment, no more apartment, no more husband, no more friends with whom I had spent years with with my small children, no more language, no more nothing. I was numb, I was in shock, as what numbness would be. Go and read about trauma and you will find that a person will chemically go into what is called shock, but what this  really is is that all relationships one has existed as are gone in one moment. They are simply no longer there.

It was like there was nothing to feel anymore. And I would talk to the people around me and say to them that I felt only indifference, that I was not feeling anything and that was not this curious, was there something wrong with me? But i did not really have this “feeling” that there was something wrong with me, I tried to find something to “feel” even drinking down a six pack of beer just to escape non-feeling. And the whole time I was watching my self. And it was as though the people I talked to who I said I was this thing of indifference never had a response, it was as though this statement of mine was not heard, I wondered why no one was hearing this. Can you imagine me saying, I am indifferent to everything, what is this?  Nothing, no response.

Mostly what I got was being told I needed a man, that this would settle everything, that in having a man, I would see what a “real” man would be, as my husband had not been a “real” man because he had hung himself from the rafters.

This made no sense to me. My marriage had been normal. My husband and I had been very comfortable sexually, my ten years of marriage in this area was enjoyable and comfortable and regular. Even after the children were born, we chose to be together, to sleep next to one another. Always. We even held hands, it was “natural” between “ us, we just gravitated to this. Even on the day he died we had done this. Though, even on this last day, I knew something was “wrong,” i had told him to be himself. I didn’t understand how the world worked, I had to lose everything to learn how this world worked. And this is the fate of all of us unless we stop and look, research and answer those questions that come up that ask why things are the way they are. There is no choice this has to be done. Each of us has the responsibility to research and understand this world, it is the ONLY way to ensure that what we have created never happens again. We have to look at those videos of abuse to animals, we have to look into the murder and rape and functioning of this money system, we have to let go of all ideas we have about this system, all righteous rants, as these righteous rants are e (ergy) roars/errors of our limited insight as to how and what and why what exists on this earth exists. Our roar, our words, our stances, what we are is the very thing causing the abuse of this world. Thus do we tell ourselves, as what we are, our actions that are the being of ourselves that is the creation of this world. We are all responsible. Our emotions and feelings are our separation from our responsibility as life, they are us not being life.

So, here I am. numb, feeling nothing, having lost my world in one moment. I am in another place, I am numb. My sister drags me out to socialize. This was within two months of my husbands death. I go.

I am sitting there at this table at a restaurant, a large table with many people around it. It is summer, big trees shade the table, there is a breeze. Normal life there. The premise is that Rebecca needs to socialize and find a man.

Meanwhile I was so numb it was all I could to to keep my self upright in my chair.

What happens next. Now remember I have lost everything, all emotional ties, all relationships, everything. So I am asa a nothing, no emotion, no feeling, no thought, just numb. Yet I am physically here at this table, aware that I am in shock and numb, of being like nothing.

This is when I noticed something so far fetched I kept this to my self, I mean who the fuck was I supposed to say something to? The shrinks just offered sympathy, and somehow this was not a solution.

Suddenly, it was like the space of everything in front of me switched, the very fabric of everything slowed down or “warped” or lost a shine or sheen, the light alters in some way. It seems really subtle but it is reality altering the space of here. Within this I am still sitting at this table and this is steady, I do not even have a thought of losing this. I am numbness, there are no associations here for me, I have lost them all.

I think it was the sound of the people speaking that I picked up first and then instantly all else followed. All those people around that table were not here, they were like looking at something, the very focus of their eyes was on something that was not here, and the words they spoke were engineered to draw attention to themselves, to become the subject of themselves to feed them as what they were seeing that was not them seeing here. And then there was this screen like thing in front of them, a bluish lighted thing. That was reality.

I quess I had lost mine. I was so numb, mine no longer existed for the moment, mine was no longer real, to I was numb. Within this I had no where to look, I had no emotions and feelings that I was bound to, and so, for a moment I was actually here, seeing what was here, I was no longer looking at my screen as it was gone, deconstructed through trauma. What I thought was that I was going crazy, what I said to my self was, “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT????” and “ Oh my fucking god, no one is here, everyone is following some fucked up “thing” and existing in some kind of vortex, where they want everyone to take on their subjects for them,” so to speak as the best way I know how to describe this.

I must be losing it, I must be really crazy. But in some way this makes so much sense, It fits with so much of how people are and what they do, and how they misunderstand one another, and how there is so much lack of communication, and how there is so much anger and and and and.

I kept this to my self, because I was afraid, I mean who was there to talk to, as I said before?

Just asking about my own indifference was ignored. But this would have been ignored if everyone  was reading their screens, my words would not have served the interests of subject orientation that is what people have become as reflections of their separation from here as they hid from their unresolved fears/separations from actually being here, this would be the very construct that desteni is talking about, they describe what this is in detail, and it makes so much sense!

There is nothing extra-ordinary in what happened to me, it is nothing special, it is the outcome of having lost everything, no longer having a place in a web of relationships and having to rebuild my life to fit into another scenario. In this space of numbness as no past and having to rebuild I stopped. I was looking outward to rebuild and here I had a moment where I could see what was happening in this world. If I was numb, the very chemistry of my human physical body in “numbness” meaning I had no emotion or feeling to exist as, I would see outside of emotion and feeling, and thus see the storm of emotion and feeling in others and the construction of this around others. To label this as crazy makes no sense, as it is simply what it is as what this world is. Perhaps, all the music I had played was the development of my self to sense a more subtle world, and this is why also in this moment this happened. Which means that this ability is developmental, that we are like a construct as this human physical body that is capable of being trained to be here, and we are also able to be programmed, to build a shield of “lights” we read that separate us from being here, actually realizing this physical world, this that we are that is the substance of life, that has been constructed into a bubble of believed support that is really just a separation from substance as life.

There is so much to clean up, and it must start with ourselves. What happened to me was not “special” was not a mirage, it was what would happen to the loss of everything one had believed to be what should be built to exist in this world, and the developmental capacity of the human being. RIght here in front of us. We have separated ourselves from the substance of life. And this is reality that we have created.  We have become e(nergy)go robots and we cannot see it.

Will it take us losing everything to see this?

This is what is going to happen. Either this or we clean this up through forgiving this bubble that is broadcasts of mind, unresolved un accepted awareness of life.. It is like we deny what is so forgiving as life, we deny the substance of ourselves that is supportive.

Before this, when I knew something was wrong with my husband, I kept saying to him that all he had to do is be himself, that what he believed he had to be was not going to help him. When he died, a while afterwards I stopped one day and said, fuck, I am going to have to be and become what i was telling him to be and become. And I realized I had no idea how to do this. but I knew the answer had to be here, right in front of me. So I kept looking and looking, and getting caught up in things and then walking away, and then looking some more. And then I found desteni, and the process of self forgiveness.

I still do not have a “man, “ I can’t do it. I cannot and will not support an ego, it is like supporting death, it is too unbearable. It is like watching someone die. And when I point this out, the men run away, or pretend to acquiesce because they don’t want to lose the sex. And ironically, the men my age begin to lose their ability to have erections ( now you understand the story of Mrs. Robinson)

and run away in fear. 

I have had carpenters come to my house, and immediately the whole unspoken sex thing comes up, only to end in irritation voiced by the male. I am not complying to the structure of what they want, a structure that maintains the un-faced fear as the subject that consumes to the point where the penis has no more energy to be what a penis is. And it is done to self. Ego is self destruction and cannot be supported, can only be used to realize what it is that is limiting self and the blueprint for the application of self forgiveness, to sound the words to remove the screen that is self separating self from life.

Clean up yourself as what has been accepted and allowed so that ending up with losing everything is not how this is realized as what has been accepted and allowed. There is no reason for the existence of suicide, and if you have any “feelings and emotions” about this forgive them, sympathy is useless, it is only the pathology  of an addiction and justification for emotions and feelings that are the indicators of separation from life, a life lived in the subject of not accepting life as all as one as equal. Discover life, forgive yourself and face the illusion of your fears manifest as your ego. There is no other choice.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that what I believe as mind is real.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own fear and to believe that this fear is real, to run from a sensation of shaking within my self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that anxiety within my self is my fear, and that this anxiety can be walked through and realized for what it is, a fear of unworthiness  and that something will be lost, when all that will be lost is an emotion looked at and recognized for what it is, a separation from equality, the realization that what I believe is supportive is just a personality fearful of survival in a system accepted and allowed that demands survival as the use of money to support desires of more than and less than, the very reflection of what i am as ego in fear of becoming one and equal to all life, as I judge this world within a context of more than and less than as the very lessons of division learned as a child from parents stuck in the same state of separation from life, where I was taught to be a persona to fit into this world.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe I must be punished for what i have accepted and allowed, not realizing that such an act is the perpetuation of the separation from my self as equal and one to life as this is what I am because I am here, thus I am life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I had to create a persona, to hide my fears, to hide what I have not faced, to become a fixed expression in and as a singular emotion and feeling  to connect with this world, where in fact all I am doing is hiding my self from my self and depressing the very life of my self manifest in  becoming bored with this world, as I have limited the very expression of my self and created and supported a world that limits the means of self expression as i have existed in singular relationships separate from an awareness of the whole of existence and thus separated my self from what is best for all, and that this is best for self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that the very malfunctioning of my human physical body is a replication of my separation from myself as life, where I have constricted the very flow of life in and through my human physical body, creating knots of compounded “un-flow” of life, where slowly but surly the lack of flow interrupts the functioning of my human physical body where I believe that drugs will alleviate this knot when In fact no drug can alter this as I must self realize what I have accepted and allowed in fear, as judging my world within a context of more than and less than, and thus limited perception of the very fabric of existence as the substance of life that is what all is one and equal to me as life, as I am life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that facing this is too much, when there is no other choice and this must be done, and that considering how long I have lived seven years is nothing in comparison.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not want to see the screen to fear the very idea that there is a screen in front of my eyes and that I have spent my self as life building this screen and that because all I see is this screen I can’t even fathom that it exists, and unless I face this, it will be faced in the loss of everything I have believed my self to be, and the shock of this could be so great that I may dispearse my self to such an extent I will only make this process, that must be cleaned up, even greater than need be, as I an here, and I have the opportunity to discover my self as life and become that which I am one and equal to life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be so overwhelmed with thinking about money and survival that to turn my self from this and create an objective view seems impossible yet, this must be done, as this is, in common sense the only way to get a handle on the situation.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am too old and that there is too much compounded with and as me, not realizing that perhaps this is an illusion of the mind, to fuck with me, another excuse, another justification.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to immediately go into breath the moment I feel any physical constriction and to see how I am constricting within and as my self as this constriction is the stuff to forgive, to see and realize and forgive, and at first the resistance will be great, where resistance is an indication of transcending this act within my self of self denial as life, where I actually exist as self dishonesty and lose self trust and the capacity to direct my self as I allow my self to be directed by energy, by emotion and feeling, the separation into and as fear.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to  wallow in compassion for others, and not to breath and walk through this, to stop this as all that I am, as ONLY what i am, and not to look at the self as life and see solution, and realize that it will take research and time to see and realize solution, yet there is life, that is equality, that is the principle of all as one as equal, the principle of giving as one would like to receive, thus the tools are here, thus there is nothing to fear, as the equalizing of life and the stopping of separation has the principle of equality and oneness.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am the habit, the addiction to righteous justification of my persona, which in reality is my self living in a dream of my past as support of my self where I have created an entity of relationships that are singular and separate from, and thus a form of separation, the being of my self as oneness in equality that which I search for, yet is right here in front of myself, yet I have woven an illusion as image as the means to an end, not realizing that this idea as image is the constriction of my self away from my self as life, as being and living the principle of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that what I seek in others is what I have separated my self from as my self, believing I am not this, when - as I am life one and equal to all life, in fact this, yet the persona of what I believe my self to be is limiting my self from allowing my self from being as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that when I judge it is my self fearing losing something, that which I support my self as, and ironically nothing will be lost, and what will be gained is a capacity to transform within and as life, in my own expression in and as life, as what I do is not what i am, it is how i am within what I do that is me being the principle of oneness in equality without resistance to my self as life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to not see the moment I become spite, I am blaming an object and trying to ignore and destroy this object as this represents what I have separated within my self from, to not face what I fear I cannot be, or what i fear will destroy my persona and thus myself, when this persona is the destruction of my self, and that this is the mind, that I have allowed to become me, and imbed within me, where i am literally “in bed” with my own accepted and allowed and constructed persona as belief opinion and idea of my self that is a limitation and separation of my self from life, in essence i have created a bed of separation, and the state of my human physical body reflect this.

I commit my self to using the tools of self forgiveness, writing and self corrective application, within and as the principle of oneness in equality the principle of loving my neighbor as my self to bring my self back to life, to forgive the self created persona of my self and to while within this process not to take anything personally, as I am a construction in this physical as life,and all that need be done is to align my self with life, as being self pity, blame, justification is all only more of the same thing that created this mess in the first place, where had I accepted my self as life in the first place non of this would have happened, and that If I choose to not do this I am spiting life, and thus only creating more of the same, thus this is not a solution no matter how hard I fight this, it is not a solution.

I commit my self to breath, to breathing as this is the only thing that is real, as this is the physical here, and all the storms of the mind cannot touch me unless I accept and allow this, and yes, these storms must be faced and cleaned up, one by one by one, as this was not constructed in a day, and will take time to deconstruct, yet while I deconstruct i will see what I have accepted and allowed and thus be able to direct others to do this for themselves.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to  fear acknowledgment of what I have accepted and allowed within and as my self.

I commit my self to facing what i have accepted and allowed as the separation of my self from my self as life, to in this moment realizing the judgements and desires I have accepted and allowed that are causing my legs to have pain and sensations of  pins and needles  as the breath of life has been denied through my own acceptances and allowances, and as I clean this up the breath of life will slowly return as it has done within my back as my back feel lighter and more flexible, where i had to really face the constriction I had accepted and allowed and accept my self as life, to stop a belief that I was unworthy and then to face what I had accepted and allowed throughout my life as having existed as such and restricted my self as life in fear of some discovery of what i believed my self to be that was not real and only a belief, and even here I must remain in breath and not fear actually breathing in to my human physical body, as I realize within this process that I was not even really breathing into my self, that my breath was shallow, that I was not even aware of the extent that I was not really breathing, and that this indicates how separate I am from my self as life, this simple act of breathing will show how un breathing i am here within and as my human  physical body, and where there are health practices that actually get people to breath , as we are aware of the fact that we are not breathing and that health needs breath, thus everything is already here to assist and support us, that it is only not-doing that is the limitation at this point.

I commit my self to breath , to breathing through anxiety, to facing this anxiety and forgiving this.

I commit my self to stopping in every moment and becoming breath before, steady and calm.

I commit my self to breathing, and self forgiveness and corrective application, to remove all emotions, thoughts and feelings, so that I become what I am, aligned with and as life, as the principle of oneness in equality to build a world that is best for all, to bring heaven onto earth where suicide need not exist, as this is a denial of life, a constriction of self  into frustration and anger at how this world exists, where such anger and frustration can compound to the point where there is so much pain in the human  physical body that migraine head aches can cause a person to want to die to get away from the pain, yet what was the acceptance and allowance of this pain, that was not realized and forgiven was also the cause and that sympathy, though not in itself “bad or good” and a non understanding of how this world works in totality in not an acceptable excuse, and all must be done by every individual ( in divided duality as mind, polarities of more than and less than, energy addictions that move from less to more as this is the nature of energy as polarity seeking to perpetuate itself) to be faced and realized as what has been accepted and allowed, within this I breath and I clean up this mess within my self one breath at a time.

I commit my self to breath, to earth to the principle of oneness in equality, here as I am life, and I will become/allow with respect life, by becoming that in all due respect.

desteni

EqualMoney

Self Perfection is self direction.

Day 20 Compassion as my justification to abdicate self responsibility

I wake up and I feel this heaviness, I had spent time with my father the day before yesterday, and I had not confronted him on saying he way angry and then denying he was angry. I  stopped and did not pursue this, as I did not want to create anger in him, to create friction in a hospital.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not see how I am my father the photographic memory bank in and as my mind where I take a picture and eat this picture read this picture and within this picture allow my self to believe that I am not equal to this picture and thus to allow this picture to consume me as what i am here, to become so involved in the picture and the story of separation that I remove my self from my self here and wallow in the story enjoying the puzzle of the story and naming the parts of the story as what the education system today has us learn, the parts of the story and not solution within the outcome of the story. No wonder so many children cannot fathom reading the stories presented in schools, as they have no interest in wallowing in the stories presented and naming the parts, which in essence is tedious, laborious and of no solution, as it is only a presentation of limited values, values within a vacuum of a polarity came of  opposites, a pendulum swing from less intense to more intense e-motion, from separation into acceptance of loss/separation/powerlessness into wanting to make this separation acceptable and thus a positive experience, to prove that this separation is real  and justified, thus is a positive experience a justification of separation and nothing else, and thus we exist in a system of judgement excusing our separations, our conscious minds as thoughts, the opposite of what is real, the reflection of the totality of our separations as the justification of our separations from this physical world as life.

If I believe that I am less than another, and I accept this inferiority and become neutral within this, then I seek a way to make this a positive experience so I place this limiting of my self as my self as my persona into this world and I see this in others and thus do I have compassion for this in others, and thus do I turn this into compassion as I listen and accept the fear in others, the separation from life in others, where I twist and contort separation into a “good” action being of my self into “understanding” within a singular relationship of sympathy in basking in inferiority and powerlessness through a “positive” compassionate persona, where all I am doing is taking my own separation in and as a belief of inferiority and understanding this in others, where this whole starting point is a wallowing in emotion and not the movement of my self as life in solution here, where the answer is always right here in front of me in every moment, the direction of my self as life in oneness and equality as what is best for self is best for all. Thus must I stop limiting my self to Only seeing the relationship of separation and realize my self here as being one and equal to all that is here. This is placating fear and placating separation, and ignoring this physical world.

This causes the continuance of suffering, to suffer emotion instead of life, the stuff of error, the stuffing of e(nergy) roar into and as the expression of life in separation into and as energy away from the directing of self as life as sound as being the sound as what life is in equality as one as all as equal here with this physical world as this physical world is what is real and the mind is a mirror of accepted and allowed reflections as separations from self as life as this physical world.. Where at death the weight of an assembled photo album of justifications consumes the human physical body leading to a fantastic death of this fantastic fantasy self, this rotted experience creation of no consideration of this physical world and self as an expression of life, able to be life, as self is life.

All there is is here, breath, earth, this heart of my self here, wanting to be one and equal to life, not realizing that in order for me to be here, I must be life or I would not be here, where the mind is my self believing I am not capable of being life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I do not deserve life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to abdicate the power of my self as life into and as a belief that I do not deserve life,

I forgive my self for not seeing and realizing that what has been taught to me is to label the parts of the story of separation and to sympathize with this separation into and as becoming compassion to turn my separation into a positive experience.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to take my separation and to pity my self and then to share this pity with others as compassion, getting a feel good/god “ness” to justify my own separation, like a sexual release of the energy I have accepted that is judgement that is separation that is what is believed to be what is real within this system that propagates mankind  into and as generators of energy to feed off of the separation by offering for sale the means of energy release in and as sex, in and as pride in having amassed objects to signify having correctly labeled and read the story of separation that is what exists and is promoted on this earth.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am doing , here that of which I speak and turning this into an object, which is to stand back and realize what I have accepted and allowed and thus, to forgive this movement of my self, to turn the tide of my self as energy back to my self to clean up this mess and direct my self in and as the principle of oneness in equality as what is best for all is best for self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am separate from life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feed the system of economy as what exists on this earth  that supports the separation of myself from self as life to generate profits so that a few can live a life of separation in physical comfort, they themselves not being life, whereas other life a life in physical discomfort, one a quickening physical discomfort and the other a slow accumulation into and as discomfort, manifest as cancer and other diseases.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to realize that all I can to, in the instance of my father, is to suggest he do research and find a way to not accept the drugs he fears accepting because he senses something is not right but fears walking away from the system.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to want to take on the mess of the other and clean this up, and “straighten” this out in one go, not realizing that I cannot do this for another, as each and every person on this earth must stand up and self realize their separations into and as mind, as someone else doing this for them, as mind, is not life realizing itself as life, yet within this, it is the responsibility of those who are financially able to realize that this present system cultivates separation into and as personalities of energetic ideas, opinions and beliefs, as pictures in and as the mind, and abuses the resource of this earth to support this, where many have not the means to self realize because every moment is spent in survival for the basic needs of life, where in changing this system into a system that supports life, this that we have accepted and allowed will become visible, for the poor, for the rich, as this is what is best for all, is that which is best for self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become frustrated which is self frustration, which is self rushing, which is self becoming a whine and complaint, which is self allowing this system of separation to bully self, all unproductive reactions existing as an end game and not walking through, with self one and equal to breath as self, this centering movement as gift as self as breath, and to make this separation small and to take the power of my self as life, as this is what i am and nothing can suggest to me that I am unworthy as life as I am life, and within this be life, as life is the solution, right here as self as earth, as my feet on this ground one and equal in commons sense with this physical world.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become confused with the mind, not seeing instantly, where I have separated from my elf as life as breath and allowed the storm of energy to be all that is here as self, where I see the storm ONLY , here I must breath and take in this storm that cannot touch me, as affect me, as be me, unless I accept and allow this, where I read this storm and correct this with the power of my self as breath as life, that which I am, or I would not here here, as I am this, I am life I am breath, I am here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that this self as me that wants to cry and to weep for what I have accepted and allowed, in shame, in  this joy that I realize that I am here that I am life, that I have both not lived and that I am life here, that I am able to live, that this is my self realizing my ability to be here, to exist in oneness and equality with and as this earth, that this is joy, yet as the mind does, this is not the end game, now must this mess of separation be stopped as I am not this as this does not exist until all that is of this physical world must be supported as life, must itself become itself as life, as every part of this earth is an organism of the expression of life on this earth, and this earth cannot be life until this organism is complete in expression of itself as life here.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing the falling of rotten fruit off of the pyramid of inequality to be what is the experience of life on earth, where in fact what is here is a world of rotting disintegrating physical world.

I commit my self to  facing the storm of separation, the negative, the neutral, the positive, the separations, the acceptances and the justifications that are what is the expression of energy to feed a system that profits from this division to maintain the con for a quest of money and a life of slow physically comfortable disintegration into and as death of an existence as mind as an imaged nation.

I commit my self to always bring what is in my mind back to self to clean up the storm of my own accepted and allowed separations.

I commit my self  to not fearing my own separations and realizing them and forgiving them, bringing them back to self and correcting them into solutions that are what is best for all in realizing them as one and equal to me as an expression as me one and equal to life here where I am affection with all that is here, close with all that is here, one and equal to all that is here as an organism of life until the breath of life moves through this physical world with ease, as all as one as equal here.

I commit my self to realizing my self as breath as life, one and equal to this physical world  to be the solution that is right here in front of me as me, as this is the correction from separation into and as oneness in equality as life here.

I commit my self to realizing the separations are the blue print of self correction that thus the solution is here and cannot be taken away or lost only ignored.

I commit my self  to watching out for a tendency to become righteous which is frustration and a red flag as ego, where confusion will cloud correction and thus solution.

I commit my self to facing this storm of separation as anything else is sticking my head in the sand and this is just that “the sticking of my head in the sand” in and as ignorance, and in common sense this is a place where that head will simply rot and have a very hard time breathing.

I am here

I am life

I am breath

I am earth

I am as heart an instrument of life here.

What is Money in the World

Who is the MInd

Stopping the Mind

Day 19: My Legs and Hip Pains- What I have accepted and allowed.

Day 19: My legs and hip pains= what I have accepted and allowed.

Here I attempt to write as the movement of my self as the reading of my self as what I have accepted and allowed as my self as energy and to not simply recite what has been learned as what I am by what i learned/accepted/lived within how I was taught/lived in and as my life, where at this point the voices and desires and wants and needs of my self are with in a pattern of emotion and feeling here in every moment as what I am in separation of my self as life and unless i begin to match these separations in this moment as the image of my self as what I believe I am, as the label of my self and slow down into breath and forgive in detail as what I am here in totality that is causing constriction showing me where I refuse to grab this searation by the fucking balls and bring this back to self humbly and gently to turn and face this storm of energy that a will only seek and explosion in and as positive energy, a high that leads to dissipation, this not wanting to die as this is all I have known, here, to this I must turn, breath an awareness of my self into as what is and cannot satisfy me and is only self punishment as separation is self punishment  and fear of self becoming self as life, to stop the bullshit once and for all of life denial, to give up the cry of fear allowing the vulnerable existence of my self to stand  and become a perpetual state of transformation as life in expression as life, directed by life, as life is what is best for self is best for all.

I forgive my self for allowing  and accepting my self to believe that i must objectify directions and file them away for reference in stead of realizing the very sound of my self as life here, strong and directive as this is what life is and to become this, start from this point and not use an idea of what this in fact means.

I forgive my self for  not allowing and accepting my to stop weighing ideas of who I am to fit into what I do, to maintain a persona to be understood within the society in which i live and instead to face what is here as here as self as life breathing through constriction and clinging to ideas of self, as how i look, as how i should appear, as how I respond to what has been repeated to me as words by relatives and friends and society, that I need the support of a man, the imagery of a man by my side in order to be accepted and listened to as a woman, where the fear of not being this is my self allowing a conditioned existence separate from my self as life, as I am life and thus unconditionable in needing something as object as image as beliefs to create as my self' as an image as a presentation in order to express and interact with life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to listen to the voice as belief in and as my mind that dictates a lack in accordance with defined and designed relationships, as ideas, opinions and presentations as a woman being next to and in service to the mind of a man, where having lived this service to and as the mind of a man, self sublimates self as life and that of the man, as the support of a man as his personality is the support of the insecurities of said man, and the continuance of the man in separation of himself, that which he seeks above all else yet also, as a man, believes is answered and found through the support of a woman, when in fact such a scenario of the impossible dream, as this man must stand as himself, removing the ideas and beliefs as imagery, just as I must, and self direct as life, must find his own spark as life and stand vulnerable as that, thus in believing this resonance as what has been taught I become separate from my self and disallow what is best for all and thus best for my self and the other point in the relationship that in totality is separation from self , as this relation is clung to as it is a limitation inconsiderate of the whole and unaware of itself as life , as this life being able to self direct from a point of clarity as self' as life, no longer shackled to separation where objects of guidance are created that are of eternal separation and not self facing self as what is actually eternal, this nothing that is everything, this nothing that does not judge, this no thing of need for support, this place of forgiving as self to life where fear does not exist.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that my accepted and allowed separations are the hooks of my mind , clinging to energy, believing energy to be real when this energy is actual dissipation and the real sense of falling, where as the self as life in humility is self breathing, where the very constrictions and non awarenesses of my self within and as breath show me the very limiting factors of the power of my self as life, where this self is muddied and held within a fuzzy logic unable to accept and allow breath as the constriction  is a firebrand of self separation  that I am in shame of believe is a punishment for what I have accepted and allowed, yet this must be brought back to self and cleaned up, deconstructed as this will life not/knot into and as eternal separation and a state of want need and desire for like minded clutching and sustenance to support this separation, where this separation will consume itself in energetic union believing this to sustain self when this is actually an ecstasy of death, where in reality this is a death of the separation of what self has accepted and allowed and thus not real, a suicide of self, as it is self in dissipation and not self in self direction as life as what is self, as this life being what is best for self is life and eternal.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see, realize that this consequential play out of self in and as energy leads to death, where as this present system exists, everything is placed to lead to this development and death into and as energy for all and everything on this planet, as this is the fire of hell and not the expression of life, manifest in extreme playouts of constricting and disallowing of natural physical expression of plant , animal, and human, and especially children, where many female children are orphaned and spend days bound in chairs as there is not effort to care for these children, no effete to respect them as life and offer them self development and direction as life, where, as I learned in Romania, much of the financial support for the orphaned children of this country was taken by officials and workers to support their own children, and thus the babies grew without stimulation of any kind, in a pen as a crib, completely undeveloped, as this is what we all accept and allow on this planet in our ignorance of how this system works within a system of profit that is ONLY the manifestation of a game of survival and competition for life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am this, I have accepted and allowed these same behaviors in and as my self as i have accepted and allowed the very roles of family, to consider only my immediate family, and within that place my self into support for other family members who themselves have accepted and allowed consideration of themselves as the very substance of life one and equal to all that is here, and that it is only this system of inequality that creates lack, evident within a belief of supply and demand, where in common fucking sense it is known what is needed to support life here, where within even this realization it is blatantly obvious that consumerism does not consider or provide for life, but supports and feeds the energetic desires of men, the energy that is of separation and thus the endless pursuit of  being in and as a substance of stability and constancy, yet consumerism promotes separation by feeling the desires of separation knowing that these desires are never, cannot ever be quenched and thus an endless source of profit.

I forgive my self  for allowing and accepting my self to not recognize the physical movement of a child bound into a pod chair , a movement of 'swaying" to be as my self where I sway as I am in waiting to discover self, not realizing that I am in fact being the experience of waiting and not licking my self up and directing my self here fro fear of making a mistake as this has never been done and the idea of standing alone, an illusion, is what is believed, signifying there remains a fear of death and loss.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear standing alone, to believe that I am standing alone.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize the illusion in and as my mind that letting go of ideas and opinions and images of how i must present my self as the image and likeness of the consumerist ads, is really the road to the death and loss of my self as life, that the leading into energetic experiences as ideals propagated by these ads is eventual un-fulfillment and death of self, where self is so busy dying that there is no life ever having been lived.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become emotional , here in this moment about all of this.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not watch the self satisfaction of my self as placing words here without any living word substance as real understood power of self in and as common sense, an illusion of knowing can present itself as a seemingly "calm" knowing, but really a rigid obsessive compulsive adherence to a belief in being structurally detailed, where this becomes what is real, yet lack a real directive capacity if scrutinized.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to go into future scenarios where I imagine what my future will be where this very experience of my self is my self in worry and fear of the future, and thus I stop my self and I breath and I look at the beliefs  and I forgive them, and return to my self here, with what is physically here and i realize I can only walk within this physical world step by step, so there is no need to dream of a future as what is here within this moment can only be walked as what is physical here, and that there space to be in common sense of what is here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that the pain in my legs, especially this incredibly hard seeming rod in my left leg, will take time to deconstruct, as I have not allowed the breath as my self to be here in this leg, placing life as awareness into this leg, where this leg has only, in my ignorance of what I have accepted and allowed,  taken the brand as the fire, as the separation as the grid of what I have accepted and allowed as belief , opinion and idea according to what is  directives within a system of inequality where I suppressed life and thus the life of my self went to sleep and it is as though my leg does not want to wake up, so compressed that it is painful to breath life back into and as this leg, yet this must be done as there is no other choice.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not see realize and thus stop through utilizing my breath, to see what I have accepted and allowed in self/life separation the judgements of what I should appear as, what my faults are within non compliance of complete and total image replication of my self , o so I believe, as woman in relation to a man, as home in relation to successful money acquisition to have the picture perfect in-mage and likeness of 

a sales catalogue home,  to believe my self lacking in ability, as in performance in word and deed where I have no real idea of what this lack of really means as I have never stood as my self and walked thus do I criticize my self for something I have never actually even been shown to be, so I criticize my self for something never attempted and thus I am merely criticizing something I know nothing about as I never applied common sense and got to actually experience that which I am just as label of lack as! Insanity.

I forgive my self  for allowing and accepting my self to  not realize that I am my own judge and juror, for my self as life, when in common sense all I have done is imitate images and never directed my self as life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear that I will cause harm to life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that the common sense of me as life, in and as breath will cause harm to life should I speak up within remaining in and as breath, as what is this commonsense of my self as breath will no longer participate in supporting an idea as image that fits into the consumerist model of existence.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am unworthy of life, that this that is the power of me as life, as self is not wanted, when in fact this is my mind messing with me, as this means the death of the mind, the stilling of separation and division into and as energy, the fear of loss of my own accepted and allowed addictions as mind.

I commit my self to breath, I breath, I breath, I breath, into my leg, I bring my self back to life, I stop the fire brand of my mind.

I commit my self to stopping reactions of "this is too hard,"  " I am unworthy," " I just want this to stop," and I breath, knowing the intensity of this is the point where this will soon dissipate as it is indicative of the death of energy seeking an illusion this this is All that is what I exist as.

I commit my self to breath, I stop this depressing sense, feeling of hopelessness as this cannot be life, as this is an illusion as all I have ever known and not myself here that is life, where feelings of unworthiness are a dis-respect of life as what I am, and if I look, I would this on no one, not anyone I know, thus this is an illusion as just as I would not want this for anyone, in common sense it is not something to be thus this feeling of unworthiness makes no sense.

I commit my self to breath, to becoming one and equal to breath, to earth, to heart, all one and the same in construction as what i am here as life.

I commit my self to breath, to breathing and realizing all constrictions and fears and depression as not what is real and only an illusion, where this is the falling of my self into and as separation, and as I breath I will walk with more and more certainty as I am on a journey to life as there is no other choice but this.

Self Perfection Products

Time to clean up this earth.

Will this be your life?

Giving up is "not who you are."

Day 18: Actions stated as personality are label and competition

Day 17 Actions stated as personality are label and competition

One way that parents teach children to want to become a label  is to speak about the behavior as the label/nature as what that child is. Within this, the child does not learn that behavior is what is exhibited as an action, an expression in a moment as a movement as being. I had a talk with a family member today, and they talked about another family member and how they were the action that was praised as in, “ they are this, they have always been this.” I noticed that I immediately compared my self to this thinking that this was a good “thing” to be. I did not look at the whole situation, well I stopped as I was having a conversation and went on, but later in the car I took this back to my self and looked at the whole of the situation. The point here is to mot look at the praise of another, or the criticism, as a fixed label as what one is to become, or not to become, but as an expression, like wearing purple one day and wearing blue another. 

In this we are more than the personalities we come to believe we are. Our personalities are a collection of our fears as what we have not faced, or what we believe we are limited to and are what define us. This is how we become stagnant and begin to rot in our own accepted and allowed limitations. This is promoted by parents who label us, as our parents were so labeled by their parents and never taught to play, experience, transform with the substance of life here.

It is this system of inequality that demands competition/survival behaviors of defense built personas of limited expression and ability to be insightful of this capitalistic, centralized governing system where money supports profit over life that determine clinging to personalities of separation from life. Limited and selected qualities of behavior are taken, etched into and as us, and then praised and used to survive, where one earns badges for a personality that wins the prize of money. These are personalities of bullying and aggression to win, and this is what is praised.

We are one dimensional and never learn to become one with the very substance of life, creation, as what we are, here to learn to play with this substance, to play with this “sound” to become one with it, to move with others and enjoy them as what we are all one and equal to, that which is the source of all that is manifest here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to go into comparison when another is praised for their behavior, not realizing that I am life, and that this behavior is an expression in being, and that instead of comparing myself and thus participating in labeling as an end game into personality, I realize that behavior is not a stagnant thing to be and become, and that what directs my self is my self as life where directing my self as what is best for all is considering my self as being one and equal to all life where even this competitive/comparison act is petty and spiteful of life and is a limited design I was taught to believe to be what existed on this earth that could not be changed where if I apply equality as the principle of what is best for all, I realize that I am not a singular label as personality and that the children of this world, in order to become insightful and able to learn to express themselves and create themselves as one and equal to life in full expression with the substance that is life here, this is what must be presented to them through living words and not words stuck in label absent of insight of the whole of this existence.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have not caught my reaction immediately, to stop, to breath, to use my self as life in every moment, aligned with the principle of oneness and equality and to speak as living words that indicate moving into and as an awareness of living as being here interacting one and equal to, with all that is what is here as tree, as bug, as air, as bird, as men, as water, the substance of life in expression.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to only see the limitations of behavior that support the interactions that see only action as the label as the personality of the human and not the capacity of the human as life able to realize that whole of this existence and understand that joy is in becoming one and equal to what is here that is what all that is here consists of, the substance of life able to be the living word as life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not see, hear and realize breath in every moment as what is real support as my self in being life one and equal to be the living word and not the word as label continuing fixation in competition and survival behaviors of separation into measure as more than and less than, destruction and greed, elimination and abuse of this physical world.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to react within a conditioned behavior as comparison.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to , within this act of comparison, place my self into inferiority and jealousy, behaviors of disrespect and separation from my self as life, and separation from that which is what directs me as what i am that is of oneness and equality, the substance of life, that which is here as the very support of me as life.

I commit my self to recognizing competition as I remain in breath, here on this earth, where I consider all that is here and give unconditionally as does this earth, as this is what I am as life.

I commit my self to patiently face and walk through, all accepted and allowed, and conditioned behaviors of comparison and competition, realizing that within this survival game of division and conquer that will label to place and eliminate, cannot be what is life as myself and is not real, is only a superstition placed onto as a means of creating fear and quitting, which is what such action limits the growth and development of our children, those in countries where there is opportunity to learn and understand themselves as life.

I commit my self to making it clear to the movement within my world, that such labeling teaches label and thus limitation and nothing about directive living and understanding of this physical world as an expression of life, and the capacity of life as sound to become and express life in many ways, where being and having, as behavior, is one and equal to the transformative nature of the substance of life, so able to be seen in nature, even with the simple rememberence that a seed grows into a seed, where had that seed been labeled as a seed ONLY it would never become a tree, and so is the human, yet the human has never gone beyond the experience as a human, born a human and died a human, unable to fathom the kind of transformation that is the seed to a huge tree.

I commit my self to revealing that label is judgement, that judgement is the imprisoning into a limited and stagnant motion as life, and that labeling a child, is an act of judgement and confinement for that child away from any understanding and insight into and as life.

Equal Money System

Fabric of Society

The Children of Existence

Living Word

The Begining

Day 17: Bringing reactions to my dog back to self.

I sit on my couch reading on the internet and my dog is next to me licking and cleaning herself. I am annoyed. I want to tell her to go outside and lick herself. I stop, I realize that it is me being annoyed, the dog is just being a dog and doing what a dog does, cleans itself. What I am as I am doing and being here in this moment is judging this action of my dog as being annoying, her cleaning of herself is annoying to me. Why project this irritation onto my dog?

Why does it annoy me that she is cleaning herself? Besides the fact that she will take up all the space on the couch if I let her. I have to remind her to share the couch.

Maybe it is the sound. I have a memory of hearing this slurping sound and finding the family cat eating the pet hamster in the hall way one time. I was so disgusted I had my sister deal with the mutilated Hamster. And then, one summer, I spent some time alone with my sisters when our dog got sick. Our dog, Clyde, had a tumor on his back, it got very big and opened while my parents were gone, the flies started climbing around on this tumor. Then the next day the dog was dead, Clyde was dead.

I could not bury the dog, I was completely incapable of burying that dog I was so upset, my sisters buried the dog. I have buried pets before, and not been so upset, something about this dog dying disturbed me to the point where I could not stop crying. I remember this incident because I was so upset at the time I was useless. I had not experienced this before. I mean, I just weeped the whole time, I felt I had no control over this. Like I said, I have lost pets and buried them before and never had this reaction.

Well, Clyde had blocked my mother one time when she went to spank me, he was not going to let her, this was impressive. Clyde was normally a very gentle and docile collie, to see him show his teeth was a BIG surprise for my self and my mother.

I no longer have this affection for dogs that I had when I was a child. And since I have had a hard time defining affection, seeing my dog be affectionate with herself is my self being annoyed by affection, by suppressing my own self and my own affection, this that I had that was natural when I was young, a child, this unconditional giving and enjoyment of dogs. 

Was the death of Clyde my self experiencing the fear of my self allowing my self to be affectionate?

This pattern reverberates all over this earth. A tumor is filled with pesticides, one of those details seldom disclosed. Pesticides have no affection, no care , no sympathy with this earth and how this earth works, pesticides were created in self interested profit ONLY practices. Survival games remove affection, as closeness and being one with what is here , being equal and respectful with what is here, not being/bringing in irritation in any way.

So, I watch my dog being self intimate, cleaning itself without judgement and I am irritated. Maybe I need a long dog tongue to clean my self and become intimate with my self. My irritation and annoyance is showing me my own separation from my self as life, where no affection exists as what I am. My irritation is my self whining  to close the gap of my self from myself back to a closeness with self that is the illusion I have accepted and allowed.

So, I breath, I forgive my self and I correct my self and focus my self into affection for this gift of life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become annoyed at my dog for being affectionate with herself.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become irritated with my dog for taking care of herself and cleaning herself, being close to herself.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to project irritation onto my dog for making loud licking noises next to me.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to have an aversion to my dog cleaning and licking herself.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to be the experience of disgust at my dog for licking and cleaning herself right next to me.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to label my dog disgusting for licking and cleaning herself right next to me on the couch.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not look into my self immediately and see where this that is me, as what is being a feeling of disgust and irritation and annoyance, and to stop and realize the cause of these feelings and emotions that are indicators of my own separations from life into and as judgement through the simple act of a dog cleaning itself.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to be disgusted with an expression of affection and closeness, in and as a dog cleaning itself with its tongue.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear being affectionate.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to connect affection to something that is disgusting.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear being close to a dog for fear that dog will eventually die.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear affection for fear it will be taken away.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to avoid affection for fear it will be taken away.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear being judged for showing affection.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear feeling, as my self, affection for life, as all that is here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear being close to my self for fear of what i might find within and as my self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear becoming affectionate, as in being close to my self, accepting my self, for fear I will discover that I will have to stand up as my self and direct my self as there is no other choice but this as this is the ONLY was to stop the experience of separation and irritation that is a whine of my self in separation of my self, as my self as life, and not the projector I have accepted and allowed through worry and stress, and persona development that I know is the consumption of my self and the loss of my self as self as that which is closeness as oneness as being able to be affectionate with life as life.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting myself to let go of irritation, anger and the experience of annoyance as this means that I will have to speak up against this same act as whining as what annoyance and irritation and anger is as an expression of emotion and feeling within this world, period.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that this irritation and annoyance is separation and thus loss of a common sense of this physical world.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own commonsense of this physical world.

When and as I become irritation and annoyance I stop I breath, I realize breath/earth/heart as one with my self here, I do not allow my self to not be here and feel here, one with, equal to, breath/earth/heart as this is my self here, this that is the real intelligence of my self here.

When and as I become irritation and annoyance I realize that I am separate from my own heart/earth/breath and I stop and I breath and I feel as common sense what is actually physically here as my self as life and I direct my self here as this in every moment, I live and breath an affection for this breath/heart/earth, a closeness to this breath/heart/earth as what I am here.

I commit my self to using, allowing and accepting my self to use, to be, one and equal as heart/breath/earth with every step, in every moment here as there is no other choice but this as my self here equal and one to breath/heart/earth.

I commit my self to  using my breath/heart/earth as that which is here to allow my self to become and realize a closeness, an affection to and for and as my self as life here, equal and one in and as this physical world where I stop the mind and recognize any and all projections of irritation, anger, and annoyance as what I have accepted and allowed as separation of my self as life.

“B r e a t h 

 E a r t h 

 H e a r t ”  Bernard Poolman

Life Review

Equal Through Substance

Speak Forgiveness for twenty one days.

Equal Money System