Day 315 Reacting to reacting, another disgust/fear behavior.

I notice within the behavior as the emotion of being disgusted as a reaction, I am not looking at here, I am in fear feeling like I am trapped and cannot move. Even when I ask questions and take the time to look at what is here, I find that asking questions is not favored within this world.
I was in a master’s course to receive a degree, a Masters of Education in Reading. I kept stopping and asking the question to myself, and voicing this to the professors. I was met with a lot of impatience. My question was a statement, that there was something missing, a spatial element within the reading process. It was just a question. It really angered the professors.
One day, one of them asked me to go and speak to all of the professors. So I went and sat in front of the group of professors, and was told that they worried that I understood the material. I knew that my question was bothersome but I kept asking. I also knew that at this meeting, I had to give what they had taught, so I spoke and outlined what I had learned, and could see the whole group of professors relax. All they could hear was me asking the question and thus, judged me as not understanding simply because I was not talking about what was taught only, I was asking a question.
After this meeting I continued to ask the question - as this bothered me and I did not want to leave this undone. Finally, I got a response, as they no longer questioned the position of the question. The answer was, “ we do not know.”

My first thought was, “ Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?” But this is how the mind works, it judges as less that which does not match it in words, in the party line. And questions that ask a construct to go beyond itself are met with criticism. This is ego lost in its own limitations.
I allow myself to become so angry about this, but it is myself in fear after the fact, as I step out of my questioning and look back at the danger, at the posed threat and become indignant, allowing myself to become righteous. it really is to just let it go and move on. In this case, my question was not going to be answered within the professors, as they did not know, and so, all that could be done is to move on and face this myself. The system had answered, had not wanted to admit its own limitations. I mean, I had received an answer. lol
I ask questions because they are there, and within asking the question there is a reaction towards the question, and I react to the reaction to the question without looking at why there is a reaction. So, I sabotage myself in not seeing realizing and understanding why the question is being reacted to, and realizing that questions are reacted to by ego, by limited information as what another is, as being unable to answer the question and not wanting to admit that there is no awareness to and towards the answer at that moment to the question posed.
Instead I have taken the reaction personally without investigation into the reaction as a state of “ignorance” as in having no answer that is being hidden by behaviors of not wanting to admit there is no answer within their awareness. Naturally, within a profit based system , where one’s job and paycheck determine one’s existence, admitting to not knowing something is tantamount to the loss of position, especially when, as is this system, there is competition to get the positions that enable survival. This scenario breeds ignorance, and fear. It would breed a “state of being” that is the response of “it cannot be done” because in not looking, in not admitting lack of insight position of in-come remains secure.
And then of course there are those that use this to move into positions of more, realizing that money comes before life. These then fear losing their positions of more, and do not want questions that disrupt this asked.
If we cannot see the never ending ignorance this creates, we are in trouble, because it is this that is ignoring what is evident on earth, which is the starvation, and the poverty, and the environmental abuse. The nature of this would remove itself from the physical, to not look, would create hierarchies distant from the physical, would place words on paper and then only follow the words, and the words themselves would not describe the physical world because this would mean changing, removing the ponsi scheme, usury, interest lending, self interest, greed, a centralized dictate takes physical direction away from itself, and the physical is the gift of realizing self as life.
So, with myself, reacting to reactions to questions is not a solution. What I ended up doing is becoming quiet and giving what was wanted, only to find that the behaviors were simply not wanting to move beyond the limited status quo.
Ironically, all of this is a state of being, a movement, lacking awareness of here, of how here actually functions, as a system of inequality confines and confuses, limits and stagnates. Lacks a care for what is physically real, tangible, substantial as what supports the very existence of ourselves and allows awareness of here, which is the gift of life.
We know that children who are taught that what they are allowing as in accepting and allowing themselves to be aware of the “state” of themselves as opposed to being labeled as a definitive unchangeable entity, that the difference between the two creates a person on the one hand who learns self direction and the other who is lost in judgement as being limited, so powerful is the use of words and their effects on us as life as substance. Again, we admit and know what we are and yet we react within limitation in fear of loss, meanwhile the substance as life is right here showing the way out, right in front of us.
So, to put an end to this, what is here on earth must be used to support life, to support the “state of being” of the human as life to realize we are the creators of the “state” of being on earth simply by what we accept and allow as the labels we place, where the labels are simply a part of beingness as a state able to change, or a fixed state. For some we allow development and others we do not. Until we allow all life to be life, to know itself as life able to transform and develop, there is no real life on earth, and no real development, as all the parts must be in movement in and as life for life to transcend into and as life. Thus, heaven is an illusion, a separation from life, a belief in a more than only, an idea in separation from life.
Consciousness is the manifestation of self interest in separation from life, it is the allowance of self as greed, it is self fixed in limitation, a wall of ignorance and the exit is self forgiveness to equal consideration of all life and a system that meets the needs of all life, valuing life as what is the gift.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to reactions to questions that cannot be answered by the person in authority, where I have not seen, realizes and understood within and as looking at the state of being of the person reacting and considering why such a state would exist, as I did not look at the system in totality and see, realize and understand the limitations of an existence that exists in fear of loss, as money without and a holding of values as to what self believes self is, where self had made a value within self to determine self in separation from self as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the separation into and as a more than as self believing self to be a value as a personification of a quality as what self is, is not self in awareness of self as life, equal and one, as within holding a value as making a person more-than is a judgement, and thus a state of belief as being a more than another is the focus in self interest only without self realization of the starting point of self being life, equal and one in all that is here in and as life on earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a reaction, in fear of loss of self, in fear of loss of status based on the reaction of another, where I judged the reaction of another as what I am, as the other pointed the finger in judgement, to which I reacted instead of looking at how blame and judgement is a protection and defense of lack within the stance of the accuser, and this I became one and equal to accusation becoming accusation instead of stopping and looking at what is here as the state of being within and as limitation not seeing realizing and understanding an ability of self as life to direct self as life into and as understanding the physical world through using the gift of life as the physical to become aware of life as the value able to experience the state of being, simply being as what can express and move through and as many experiences of the substance of life in and as expressing life here, and thus within this, to deny this to anyone thing on earth is a crime against life, and ignorance, where humans admit that a state of being is transitory, and allowing this for some and not others, which is a limitation as life for some and not others is an act of ignorance, not really allowing life, as this isfearing life, attempting to control the nature of life, which breeds a stagnant existence, as there is no heaven on earth until all life is breathing, being, equal and one in and as life here, thus greed is an accepted limitation that is able to be realized for what it is as a state of being ignoring life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to ignorance, as my reaction is an acceptance , making me one and the same as the non-looking, which is myself in protection and defense as a limited state taught and accepted within a system of survival instead of being myself in and as life, attending to what is real which is myself giving in and as myself as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that if I tried to play the violin the way I moved as reaction to and towards responses to questions that cannot be answered then I would have never used myself as the physical and learned to play, as playing requires moving with, changing with, without judgement, or focus on being a value defined by the being of what i am doing, as playing requires focus on here, on how self moves, on what is produced, where there is not time for judgement, as what exists is simply moving here with and as self as life, equal and one in learning to be equal and one with and as the physical, which demands awareness of the physical, thus to not care for the physical world is to deny life, and thus a crime against life as knowledge and information without application is useless.
When and as I become a reaction to a reaction, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that reaction is one and the same as the protection and defense as reaction within and as reaction being blame and spite, hiding of ignorance in self interest, and thus I stop and I breath to see realize and understand the limitations of the state of being as the reaction in fear of loss, where perhaps it is to be noted that blame and spite and ignorance is not an action of prevention and thus a cure of what exists as lack of presence of self as looking at how here moves in and as the physical, where trying to find an answer in the knowledge and information as mind, is life looking up in a rotar file as mind, for solutions without physical application by self, as no information can be self physical applying self, as words can only give direction but cannot be self physically moving here, thus in one sense, no one can really tell another what they can be or do, as no one can be the physical movement of self here, thus there really is no choice but to allow self to become the directive of self, and any other option has no common sense of the physical world, which is so evident in the state of earth, where so many are starving and poverty is an unresolved growing issue, unacceptable which must change, and the means to do this is the simple application of equality, to give as one would like to receive.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breathing, to realize that reaction in and as judgement, as label, as defining within limitation is a reaction of knowledge and information as label without physical seeing, realizing and understanding here, where emotions , thoughts and feelings, are as a storm of energy ignorant of looking at what is physically here clinging to knowledge and information, without application, as this is consciousness and not self as life equal and one to and as being what works in common sense as the physical, here.

Day 314 Disgust Character Behavior Dimension

I have a friend coming around who I have known for years. He hears about desteni, but is also aggressive towards me within wanting a relationship. Sometimes I have thoughtsthat I do not want him to come around because of this insistence. But I continue, because as long as he becomes more interested in a process of self realization, I will communicate with him. So, it is to realize a relationship is not an option, and yet to continue communication without any reaction towards his behaviors. Here I will forgive myself for the reaction I have towards his insistence, as this is only in the mind and not what directs here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that this emotion of rejection as anger, as fear, as disgust is really myself not trusting myself within and as simply being here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become annoyed as the insistence of another.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being intimate with someone within my environment because I fear it will lead to more insistence within having a male female relationship, which in common sense cannot exist between us due to incompatibility, yet this does not mean an absence of communication and mutual understanding and support.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the aggressiveness of this person, not seeing realizing and understanding that in every moment I decide who I am and what i am, and the insistence of another does not determine myself here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a fear that this person will end up clinging to me, and then blaming me, for outcomes in life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I am responsible for this person’s life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that within feeling disgust and rejecting in fear of being blamed, I am in essence abdicatingmyself within self responsibility within and as directing myself within the moment  building an imaginary outcome which is a judgement, this in itself a separation from being present here, within each moment in and as breath, realizing that I can within each moment, as this is all there is, is the moment here, stop and breath, and bring myself back here, slow down and investigate what is best and from here, direct myself within and as what is best for all, thus there is no need to fear, or allow myself to become a reaction.
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the anxiety that comes up within this, in fear of a bully is from my childhood in and as a fear of a paddle and or a whip, where I was a small child, where I notice a memory of myself facing this form of punishment used in my home, and it is like a huge dread and fear which is not here, not what is here, thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that this fear is based on a memory from my past, of myself standing before punishment as a child, with no way out and only an extreme anxiety, which I am able to stand through as this is not here, and only a memory of the past.
I commit myself to slowing myself down when and as I notice a shortness of breath and a constriction of anxiety, to stop and to breath and to see, realize and understand that this is not what is here in this moment, and that I am able to use common sense and direct myself here within and as what is best for all.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding reactions within myself as energy, as memory as the past, that which cannot define myself here, unless I accept and allow this, thus I slow myself down and bring myself here, within breathing to see, realize and understand what is physically here, that can be practically lived though common sense within the principle of what is best for all, thus this memory as the past as a separation into energy, as a reaction is not what i am here and this fear and sense of self within being disgusted is a stagnant state of myself here.
I commit myself to not allow myself to become this reaction of a helplessness, as this is based on limited insight and thus not what is real here.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, with and as breath, when and as I begin to experience anxiety and physical constriction, to not allow this reaction to be what I am here, as I am able to remain here, and from this direct myself here.

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Day 313 Disgust Character Behavioral Dimension

I have this memory coming up again, where i am in high school in New York and int he apartment of a major game player within the fashion industry. He is holding out a bowl of coke to myself and a friend and a friend of my sister.
I am within a reaction of being very angry. I had to leave I was so angry. At the time all I wanted to do was take that bowl of white powdery coke and smash it on the table.
This was behavior as a reaction and not myself looking at and realizing how such an act came to exist within this world. I was limited and blamed a singular point within a whole chain of consequence of profit that created such a scenario, which was a human being believing they were more than another, which is what I was being within my own behavior, more judgement.
My anger and judgment towards this one person was not going to stop what created this abuse. What exists on earth that allows and creates a need to use drugs to entertain and escape was what needed to be realized. I had already learned that drugs were not worth it. They altered reality and this was not something that was real. At the time I was a teenager, one who was not interested in drugs, which is not to say I did not try them, they just did not seem what they were promised to be, so I never fell under their spell. Perhaps if my existence had been more difficult such exposure would have had a different outcome, as there were models who got caught up in the spell of drugs.
So my reactions of righteousness and disgust were not a movement of solution and/or prevention, they were reactions only, without stopping and asking why existence contained such limiting experiences. Such reactions are not being self responsible for and as life in consideration of all life, this which is the responsibility of each and everyone of us on earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have followed this friend, who I had followed before and wound up in a similar situation, thus I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have used my common sense within and as realizing I should never have made this stop off en-route to another gathering as this girl was socially involved in the modeling world, whereas I was no longer involved yet had retained some “friends” from this world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become an emotional reaction of disgust and anger to and towards one of the men offering the coke, not seeingrealizing and understanding that such a reaction was fear and self anger, and self disgust for not using my common sense, both within the immediate context and within taking the time to investigate how the present systems functions and why older men were trying to become sugar daddy’s to teenage girls and thus serving their own desires without any consideration for the life of that teenage girl who is in many ways still a child, which is to say that this is an act that does not consider life, and only considers a limited desire, as an act that does not respect life, is a limited act within a limited self awareness of life, which begs the question as to why such would exist.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a behavior of anger as at the time I was also intimidated by these men, and feared having to say no to them, eventhought this was the only choice, which was the choice taken, I was having to say no within a situation that had the potential to be threatening for which I forgive myself for.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have been frightened, and thus angry, not seeing realizing and understanding that I can let this emotion go, as this is in the past and not what is here, as myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have been ashamed that I had allowed myself to walk into this situation having had a similar experience one other time with this same girl, were drugs were involved.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I was ashamed of myself for having gone with this girl because I rather go to an event with another than alone, and so, against my better judgement I joined up with this girl in fear of being alone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to carry this shame with me, as me, in and as a memory, to not let this memory go, to see, realize and understand that this is not myself here,as this is from the past and does not define myself here, within this moment, within this breath, unless I accept and allow this.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that this even at that time in that moment, I alone could not have changed the world, as the existence of drugs, as this takes an understanding of why such a thing exists within the whole, which requires an investigation into how the present system on earth exists, without denial in beliefs in and as invisible gods, or invisible hands, as what is physically on this earth is moved by the hands of men, and thus this system can be understood through simply looking at how this world works, and as such a change will require many standing together, as history tells us that many have attempted to stand and speak up, and many stand and speak at present, yet as a “lone ranger” which is an easy target, and just as the faceless that benefit as what is behind a corporation which means the few who live lives of comfort are a group convincing the rest of humanity via media and the happy drugs of products that promise a more than, that never deliver such a promise, which we all accept and allow unless we stop and breath and investigate and self realize in common sense that we are not really living, and that to change this system will require many to stand, realize that which accepted and allowed and created this present system are the same ones, as men, who must stand and change this system into what is best for all, which means standing and being self responsible for and as life, realizing life is the value.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that my anger is myself in disgust with myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain situations that lack common sense, within and as what is not best for myself, and thus, what is not best for all, as I seek a drug by a different name, which, as in this memory, was the entertainment of going to a party, where I let down my common sense and did not follow my batter judgment of not hooking up with this friend, but was lead by a desire for entertainment in the form of a party, thus I was qualifying one type of entertainment as more than, better than another.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that yesterday when I found myself becoming the emotion of anger, I had entered into a situation where those present showed no interest, and thus not pushed the issue, as the starting point would have required at least some amount of inquiry, of which there was none and as such what can only be done is a seed planted and let it go, as just as I was as an ignorant human, as a teenager who had not in fact investigated the present system in common sense, as had this been taught, then the earth would not be what it exists as within so much disrespect for life, in and as the amount of abuse that needs but little investigation to see, realize and understand that what man has accepted and allowed is unacceptable in all common sense, and a statement that the nature of man cannot change, is in and as it self unacceptable, because if I can realize that drugs are not myself really existing here, than so can others, as such awareness is capable of being what we are, and it is only emotions, as a collection of past events as beliefs that accumulate and limited the expression of men, and since this was built up within, it can be deconstructed, just as existent systems have been constructed, can they be deconstructed, thus, the excuse - which is all it is- that I cannot change, and/or men cannot change makes no sense, and is what would be taught in a world that does not teach common sense as common sense means looking at the consequences of men, and what has been built by the hands of men, where no god, and no invisible hand can be found, if one simply investigate the practical movement of this real physical existence.

I commit myself to remaining within and as breath, to see, realize and understand that the moment i become a reaction, I am in a rush to win and not here, equal and one to the steps necessary to see, realize and understand the very consequence built that must be unbuilt, which appears to move slowly, but is simply the tack of taking down a wall of beliefs, opinions and ideas that are the very substance of life, here that are not aligned within and as what is best for all, what considers all of existence, are limitations within being equal and one, to and as what is here as this physical world, and thus are simply a self imposed burden veiling this physical world that gives freely to support life.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breathing, to realizing when and as I begin to have “bouts” of feeling tired, and yawning a lot, I must slow down and breath, and write out the events of the previous day, to see, what memories come up and the sequence of my own reactions, to see, realize and understand what I am showing myself to have accepted and allowed that is in separation from realizing what behavioral consequences I have allowed as what I accepted through the teachings of a society of inequality which I had not investigated for myself.
I commit myself to breathing, to remaining here, realizing that all reactions, as emotions and feelings and thoughts, when having a quality of aggression, or anger, or desire for attention, are myself existing within limitation and thus not moving at ease within and as common sense of here, which is being myself as life, equal and one.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, and to breath, to realize the presence of energy as friction and conflict, and to stop and investigate without fear of judgement, as judgement is a polarity of want , need and desire in self interest in fear of loss, to then without reaction, in and as common sense within being equal and one to and as breath, within the principle of oneness and equality, to direct myself here.

Day 312 Extreme Shock and Trauma: Accidents, Disease, Mental DisOrder

This then brings in the Next Level of Shock, which are: Accidents, Disease, Mental Disorder and Events that Cause Trauma – bringing a Sudden Stop the Consciousness-Illusion. When this Happens, a Chance exist that the Being may become Aware – but because everyone around a Being is Still Trapped in their Consciousness-Illusion: they will do their Utmost to Convince the one in Shock, that the Shock wasn’t Real. And so, Most even with a Great Traumatic Shock – will eventually Return to the Consciousness-Illusion. 
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/03/day-320-awareness-and-conception-in.html

Extreme Shock and Trauma
Bernard Poolman has talked about extreme shock and trauma being a trigger/catalyst for seeing more than consciousness. Well, in my case this is basically what happened.
I found my husband hanging by his neck in the attic of our Zurich apartment building in the Spring of 2000.
We were a normal middle class family, two healthy boys who did well in school,our marriage was not one of argument,we did not drink much, we enjoyed skiing - would ski all day when we skied. We loved to walk and be out in nature. We had friends and dinner parties, swam in the Zurich See. My husband had been going to France on the weekends to fly Ultra-light planes, as he had been a hand glider and loved to fly.
As I understood it, he was the head of the design unit for the renovation of the Zurich Airport, purportedly the biggest project ever in Switzerland at that time. His company had paid for him to take a very expensive managerial course. He also was working with Siemann’s and would fly to England to interact with an engineer, who was English. This engineer would also come to Zurich and stay with us in our apartment. It was a nice apartment, because there were always bird sounds, we were so close to the Zurich See.
I moved back to the states. It must have been about 5 or six weeks after the suicide that my sister “dragged” me out to socialize with the summer crowd at a local restaurant. There I sat at the table with about six or seven other people, all of whom I knew for many years. I was basically numb, like being in a state of nothing. In fact I felt nothing, it was as though everything was nothing. Nothing mattered, nothing, nothing, nothing, all was nothing.
Suddenly, every single person at that table had a bubble around them. Their eyes were not here, they were on the screen in front of their eyes. The big tree that was a part of the patio of this restaurant was blowing in the wind, like a giant stream it seemed, like it was in a stream - come to think of it. Anyway, not one single person at that table was really listening to anyone else. NO one was listening to anyone else. All anyone was doing was trying to ( and I am going to describe it as I saw it at that time) force/pull/divert/get attention onto, themselves. It was like they wanted to prove something, and all that mattered was taking anything, using any word, direct everything to and towards themselves to prove, to win, to substantiate themselves. it was like they were hungry for this and nothing else mattered. And there were like, these stream things moving from their eyes out and then back again - which I think one of the quantum mind interviews on Eqafe describe perfectly as how it was.
Mean while, I am sitting there thinking, what the fuck is that! What is going on, oh my god, what is that, no one is listening to anyone else!!!!! Silence. Okay.
I think at that point i snapped back into nothingness, silence, numbness. I forgot about this but other things started to happen, I started to have some problems with people sometimes. And I started to do odd things like just stop and look at another person, and I would just see them being obsessed with their own story.
I also did not want to talk too much. But this is a state of shock.
About a year later, I was doing my student teaching. I had just taught a lesson on some math process to a fourth grade class. Now, I had anxiety that I was not good enough to teach these children. I actually had thoughts of, how can I do this, I could not save/stop what happened to my husband.
So, I had just finished teaching this lesson, had practiced some of the process with the students and was handing this over for them to do on their own. So, I was standing back and watching the group work quietly on their own. One of the boys looked up from his desk and stared in front of him - like he was “staring a hole in the wall” as the saying goes. ( I mean why so we do this? And why does this have a “name”?) Suddenly, above his head was a metallic looking ball, and it was spinning around. This boy was erratic in his behavior, he could read at a higher level than anyone in the class, and he could figure out math problems that as far as I was concerned, he had not been taught. I knew his parents, they owned a fast food restaurant. Okay, what was that? is what I thought, I actually looked at this thing, and could see it had impressed lines around it, like the stitches on a baseball , it was this deep grey color with a hint of bronze coloring and it spun, like those typewriter balls on electric type writers. Back and forth, changing direction. Can you imagine suddenly seeing something like this? What would you do, it is not like I was sick, I was functioning, eating, doing, living, taking care of children, going to school, just normal like anyone else, and this very strange stuff was happening.
Now something like this had happened in my twenties, and I had seen a bubble like thing around something. I had searched for someone else describing such a thing, but found nothing. The next time I was in New York City I went to that big esoteric book store Samual Weiser? I think it was called, and started to look for someone or something describing a bubble around “things”. This time I found something, it was in a Colin Wilson book, the supposed “great sceptic” where a man who had moved into a house had encountered a “man”, as I remember this, that was a “bear” and he began to speak with this entity. Anyway, he. the man that had this encounter, described a bubble being around this entity. That was the only description I found in twenty odd years until I found desteni.
What I saw as a bubble like facade as the “screen” people were “reading” happened in the summer of 2000. I did not find desteni until 2009. I found them when I had gotten to a point where I did not know where to look anymore, nothing made sense, and something was wrong, in a moment of “ four sheets to the wind” I reached out and asked a question, and desteni answered.
The first video was of Veno in Sunette’s body talking about the mind consciousness system. I think this was the second time in my life that I went into shock, someone was talking about bubbles being round people, about a system in the mind, an inter-dimensional system that limited, that was like a retainment of self abdication as life, manifest as fear, as separation from self as life, which would fit with what I saw, as everyone at that table trying desperately, aggressively, obsessively, trying to get all attention onto them as ideas, and opinions and beliefs to prove that they were “right” that their way was THE WAY, and all of it was a self hiding from facing self as life, here.
What I felt as I saw this, as I moved from seeing this to myself in that moment in 2000, was that I was way, way, way down at the end of some really really long tunnel, so far away, so small, so diminished, so timy, and that whole tunnel before me was my separation from life, that somehow this HUGE thing was a storm so great, that reaching here, as in reaching those around me was a divide. But what I remember from this, was how buried I was within this.
So, yes there are bubbles around all of us, even those no longer in the physical existence as a person in a body, in a physical form. If I can see this so can you. If I look back, I realize that the times these things have happened I was very quiet - so to speak- and evidently this is a trait in another branch of my family history, so I am not “special” within this, as this is something that has been realized here, as part of the story of here. I had a great Aunt, who told me one time that I was like the Riotte family, who were half Mayan, so is this an echo of how the MAyans did what they did, in becoming very quiet, they listened and within this learned to see what is here making a lot of noise right in front of them as their fear and desire to be more than, contained in a bubble?

Everything is here, what we are is in all the stories and words we speak, we have simply separated everything into a quantum structure that evaluates into more and less without application into and as realizing that everything has a value, and that not one value is more than another and in this process we are in separation from life, from being one and equal with and as the sound of life as the substance of life.

Become equal and one to and as LIFE DIP Lite

Day 311 Disgust Character Self Commitment Statements

I commit myself to realizing when and as i become an emotion of disgust I have already accepted myself to have failed within and as a belief, and within this, to no longer allow this and to stop and to breath, and to see, realize and understand that I can become equal and one within walking in the shoes of the other and realize accepted limitations and clear up these limitations within making clear what exists within and as common sense of how this present system functions in and as inequality that does not serve the interest of what is the real value, here, which is life where the allowance of life is being the principle of what is best for all, as what is best for all is best for self.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that , within slowing myself down and breathing, I am able to walk in common sense of what is here.

I commit myself to seeing, realizing that failure is a belief in limitation in separation from being one and equal to and as life, here, which is to walk what is best for all, leading to prevention of the existence of stagnant beliefs that are limitations as existing within consciousness, within parts only, thereby creating relative values and this comparison and competition, in separation from being here, as I allow myself to become a movement of bullying one value are more than another, and thus destabilize myself from myself as the presence of life, here.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that my sense of disgust is self disgust as I am not allowing myself to exist within common sense of the whole, where the pieces can be brought back to an understanding of how what is here as this system of inequality can be directed within what is best for all as being supporting all life.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that walking this process takes consistent effort and patience as a reaction of disgust within and as me, has become a habit which will take practice within realigning to walking through accepted and allowed thoughts, words and deeds that seek to blame and spite in protection and defense instead of direct within what is best for all, where i have made beliefs, opinions, and ideas more than a principle of what prevents, as what is best for all, and within this allow the taking of things personally to dominate my behavior and internal conversations, and within this become a battle of personifications, in and as energy, in separation from equality as asound sense of being present here, within and as what is best for all, as this is the only choice that moves and directs within and as being life , here.
I commit myself to breathing, to bringing myself here , in common sense that there is nothing to lose, that failure exists in the mind as consciousness only, as this is myself in separation from becoming equal and one within common sense of what is practical in support of all life here, as it is from this point that direction as life is able to be realized and thus practiced within directing myself here.
I commit myself to realizing within and as every breath that the probem is separation into limited value belief only.
I commit myself to realizing that the solution is to bring myself back to what is real, as this actual physical ground as earth, and to in practical common sense become one and equal to what is here, be it the soil or another person, and/or the present system, to see, realize and understand how what is here exists as how it is moved by the conditions created within a system of inequality, and to investigate this and take what is good and and realize through thought word and deed what is supportive of all life, as what is best for self is best for all.
I commit myself to realizing that the reward is the removal of war, of conflict , of inequality, of negligence accepted and allowed through limited consideration of this earth, this which supports all life.

DIP Lite
Your daily practice of clearing the mind of separation from LIFE.

Day 310 Suicides of our soldiers, the pawns of greed.

The Problem;
A major disconnect from reality within the existent system, which means it is time to change the system to one that supports life, as the following information clearly indicates that what we are accepting and allowing does not in fact support life.

25 disturbing facts about psych drugs, soldiers and suicides

by Mike Adams

We are living in an age of upside-downs, where right is wrong, fiction is truth and war is peace. Those who fight the wars are subjected to their own house of mirrors via pharmaceutical "treatments." Instead of providing U.S. soldiers and veterans with actual health care, the government throws pills at them and calls it "therapy."

Stimulants, antidepressants, anti-psychotics, sedatives and pain meds are the new "fuel" for America's front-line forces. While the idea of sending medicated soldiers into battle was unthinkable just three decades ago, today it's the status quo. And the cost in human lives has never been more tragic.

Here are 25 disturbing facts about psych drugs, soldiers and suicides. They are disturbing because everybody seems to be pretending there is no link between psychiatric drugs and soldier suicides. So soldiers and veterans keep dying while the Pentagon (and the VA) keep pretending they don't know why. (Sources are listed at the bottom of this article.)

1) 33% of the U.S. Army is on prescription medications, and nearly a quarter of those are on psychotropic drugs

2) In 2010, the Pentagon spent $280 million on psychiatric drugs. That number has since risen.

3) There are now over 8,000 suicides each year by U.S. soldiers and veterans; that's over 22 a day

4) 33% of those suicides are attributed to medication side effects

5) That means medications are killing more U.S. soldiers and veterans than Al-Qaeda

6) 500% more soldiers abuse prescription drugs than illegal street drugs

7) Under the Obama administration, the number of veterans waiting for VA care has risen from 11,000 in 2009 to 245,000 today

8) More active duty soldiers die from suicide than from combat: 349 dead last year

9) The number of prescriptions for Ritalin and Adderall written for active-duty soldiers has increased 1,000% in the last five years

10) For every active-duty service member who dies in battle, 25 veterans die by suicide

11) Only 1 percent of Americans have served in the Middle East, but veterans of combat there make up 20% of all suicides in the United States

12) The suicide rate of active-duty soldiers in the Civil War was only 9 - 15 per 100,000 soldiers. The suicide rate of active-duty U.S. soldiers in the Middle East is 23 per 100,000. And casualty rates were far higher in the Civil War, meaning the Civil War was more psychologically traumatic.

13) In the Korean War, the suicide rate among active-duty military soldiers was only 11 per 100,000

14) To date, the Pentagon has spent more than a billion dollars on psychiatric drugs, making it one of the largest customers of Big Pharma

15) In 2010, over 213,000 active-duty military personnel were taking medications considered "high risk" by the Pentagon

16) In the years since the Iraq War began, twice as many soldiers of the Texas Army National Guard have died of suicide than in combat

17) Defense Secretary Leon Panetta calls military suicides an "epidemic"

18) Of all the branches of the military, the Army has the highest number of suicides each year, almost 400% more than the Marines

19) Most active-duty soldiers who take psychiatric medications consume a combination of three to five prescriptions

20) The use of prescription medications by active-duty soldiers is largely unregulated. Soldiers are given a bottle of meds and sent into combat. If they run out of meds, they are given a refill, no questions asked.

21) The mainstream media says the answer to lowing suicides of veterans is to take away their guns so that they cannot shoot themselves. This is the logical equivalent to trying to fix your car's engine by removing the "check engine" light.

22) The Pentagon is initiating new research (in 2013) to try to figure out why psychiatric medications cause soldiers to commit suicide. The research involves tracking brain activity by attaching electrodes to the skull.

23) One-third of military suicides are committed by soldiers who have never seen combat

24) In the last year, the military wrote over 54,000 prescriptions for Seroquel to soldiers, and all those prescriptions were "off label," meaning the intended use has never been approved by the FDA as safe or effective.

25) Dr. Bart Billings, a retired Army Colonel and former military psychologist, refers to psychiatric drugs as a "chemical lobotomy" for soldiers.

Sources for this article (in order of appearance)

http://www.naturalnews.com/Infographic-Epidemic-Psychiatric-Drugging-...

http://www.toxicpsychiatry.com/storage/Military%20why%20are%20we%20dr...

What I find the most telling within the following article, to which I thank Mike Adams, is the amount of money made from the use of these detrimental drugs, of which our present system uses tax payer dollars to finance. Thus, we, the people, are allowing and accepting the finance of this suicide with the children of this country, to fight a war that is about resource control that is then owned privately without any improvement and often detriment for the peoples in the countries from which the resource is forcibly taken, and taken in such a way that the earth from which it is taken is rendered toxic and all of this with impunity.
I attend a town meeting in my small town. The committee denies responsibility for anything, always saying they have to follow the laws, and when questioned it is always the next committee in the line up of the process to get something done, that is responsible. And meanwhile, the primary statute in the state law is to ensure the common good of the people before profit, and that this law supersedes all subsequent laws, as the people can do what ever they want to ensure the common good. Somehow this “idea” is so abstract that it is unfathomable. To actually look at what is physically here and to realize within this direct connection to the earth and the physical existence and what is best for this, cannot be seen through all the laws and words and layers existent on paper, despite what is happening right here under our very eyes.
This means that the disconnect from reality is caused by each of us, which means that each suicide committed by a soldier is the fault of each of us, every American, because we are allowing this system to exist. The members of Congress have no connection to the abuse, and if anything are ensuring that they never will, as is seen by the growing dividebetween the have’s and the have not’s in America. And there are people out there who believe that that uneducated person is un-educated because they simply did not go to school, when they did not have the financial means to attend school, and the MO of the present educational system does not meet the learning ability of humans who are not able to memorize, and need a tangible way of learning about how things function, as not everyone can memorize endless amounts of data. And given this scenario, perhaps the ones who memorize so well, lack a connection with physical reality, as obviously, the ones who memorize and thus become the leaders in our society, have not in fact found solutionsthat allow support of life. Thus memory ability is not what creates a world where life is supported. Memory is walking data, with no connection to what is real, with no ability to actually see the effects of our actions onto the existent life on earth.
Thus the solution;
is a system that allows all life on earth to have basic needs met, which means an education that connects all on earth to life, to what supports life, which is this physical reality. Such a system is Equal Money Capitalism, to take what we have as a system that turns the value of resource to support life onto a piece of paper as money, and to share that money in such a way that all have access to what is needed to live, actually physically live in dignity. What we have allowed is unacceptable and must stop.

The rewards are the end of what is contained in this list above. It is the end of war, it is the end of suicide, it is the end of raping the earth with impunity, it is the end of starvationand poverty, child abuse, sexual abuse, animal abuse.
It is the end of entertainments broadcast all over the earth that consume attention away from our actions, to allow a few more than.
It is the end of what is obviously a very limited existence.
It is like we have built this spiders web, and we think that without this web we will fall, when it is the exact opposite, the web is the sum of all fears, the fears are the falling, and the seeming endlessness is the starting point of us all, is the eternal, and it is not what it seems, it is not something we are going to fall into, it is the starting point, and it is here from where we can, with and as the physical world, direct ourselves.

The rewards of equality, of realizing life as the value and thus supporting all life is an earth that meets heaven, that becomes one and equal as life here, all life, no separation into an alternate reality and this one. It is the actions of the humans, as mind, as consciousness that is the separation from equality as life, from heaven on earth. It is the ignorance of the physical world that is the separation from life. Thus, the reward in realizing life as the value, in realizing we have the answers to what will birth life equal and one with and as heaven, is to support all without fear of loss, as support of all life, to move as what is considerate of all life, to enact what is best for all, what is for the common good. What we allow at present is profit before life. There is no “before “ life, what we have is “before” life, a system that is standing right “before” the gift of life, ignoring it and it is right here, right in front of us.
The reward is being able to give what is best for all. What else is there?

Day 309 Disgust Character Back Chat Dimension

In the last days, catching myself going into disgust, which is labeling , which is spite, which is like a collection of values developed according to class, and race, and nationality, and gender, like I have a new astrological ordering system, as this is really no different than any systemic order of value into more than and less than - an “astro” value/logic ; relating to stars, stars being a consumer based entertainment, of watching what is a-maze-ZING, a zap of excitement and feel good, of emotional accolade connection, of making something “positive” within worshipping our own inability and turning it into feeling good because someone else has this. This next best thing to not being self responsible and looking at ourselves and this present system, because we can prove through our lack that we are still good because we can point out good - as in following a star quality. Notquestioning why the exception to the “norm” exists, where the exception reveals the ability, allowed development in ONLY a few.
So, we have two things here;
An accepted norm that indicates and accepted lack of development.
And, a state of being that perpetuates this lack through ogling the development, turning it into a more than, and ourselves a less than, and making this okay because we are worshipping the more than. Singular, limited, ignorant of life, of the substance of what we are as life, here.

And all the strings of belief that we are not good enough, we lack, which is what we are taught, which is what we accept and allow, not knowing ourselves as life, as we are consciousness in separation from moving one and equal with and as what is physically real. Our “astro” logic, our star chasing actions in admiration of a “more than” hide us from facing our own self discovery, of becoming ourselves as life, we are watching the stars instead of listening to ourselves as life, that sense that we know we are not standing up within what is supportive of life, as we move in self interest only, our star gazing admitting to self accepted lack. The consequences of this are compounding, so resplendent in what is happening on earth, so, the effects of profit in self interest, will soon be at your door.

We admire “star” quality instead of being that which is the source of the “star” ourselves. And this action is diminishing the fabric of life, as this earth. Allowing one point to be more than another is denying the existence of what is what creates, as being the value.

So, within myself as consciousness, as a system of value qualification, I am walking a projection of what is more than and less than, my own data book of what I reject as being less, based on beliefs accepted and taught, and voicing what I believe is more, to appear “good” and to hide my own lack of directing myself as life, in common sense of how I function within and as a physical being on this physical world. I am in essence rejecting myself as life, rejecting self responsibility in equality and oneness with and as the substance of life. And were I to to this within this embedded system of separation from life as it now exists, I would be cast out in spite, by those who walk a consciousness only, so great would the denial be, as the habit of self denial as life is now manifest as the accepted system of money determining life, which is why what brings this world back to reality is a system of equality, where money that has taken on the value developed from earth’s freely given resources, and divided this value into some getting more than others, despite the abuse this is and has created to this physical world, must become what exists on this earth to realign ourselves within and as the value being life where money is used to take the value of the resources made to support life, to be distributed to in fact support all life, realizing that life is the value.

So, the back chat in and as my mind of what is a “star” value and what is not, in and as disgust, is where I reject that which I fear will give me a lesser “star” value within and as my own survival, my disgust is really my fear of survival, my separation from what I have judged as less, what I have not accepted as being within myself as I believe it will take away from my life, when this is not of a lesser value,it is simply made to seem less than, and its existence is not fixed, it can be clarified into being directed within and as what is best for all, meaning there is nothing that can be lost, what is lost is only self direction in and as life, here. Thus, the value system of more than and less than is the illusion. It is like rejecting the very “food” of what allows self direction. Star chasing is the act of self denial as life. This, an act of stagnation only.
It means that all limitations are simply accepted “end games” and nothing else, and these end games warp reality.

It means we can no longer sit and watch TV. I means we can not longer remain stagnant, it means we can no longer accept the unacceptable.

It means that when I begin to feel a hole within my chest, and hear the voices in and as my mind of judging the being of another as stupid and ignorant, the only choice is to look at that state of being and to speak in such a way that directs from that state of being, fixed in an idea of an end game, as what is believed, just as we do with children, if we tell them they are “this or that” instead of formatting the question to suggest that the being of what they are can be moved towards an awareness of change into and as what directs, and within this existing as the principle as what we teach in our schools, and what we state within our laws as being responsible within the common good before profit, because we know what we are doing, and then this world would realize itself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe in the back chat in and as my mind of what is less than, which I reject as not what I am in and as naming this and pushing this away in and through reacting in disgust, not seeing realizing and understanding that this is myself separating myself from here, within and as being directive within and as what is best for all here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize how I am clinging to knowledge and information, instead of being one and equal with what is here, wanting being here to be easy, where within my knowledge I find a “star” solution to justify ignoring how I am within what I allow myself to be as the very expression and direction of myself here, within not realizing that for myself to be and become life, what is best for me as life, is what is best for all, where the consciousness in and as what I am as mind exists as is limited values made huge in self validation as justification for not standing up equal and one to and as life here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to to not realize a movement within and as myself as emotions, thoughts and feelings as limited energetic imbalance as the very nature of separation from existing within and as life, in sound equality with the principle of what is best for all being a state of ease, where no conflict and friction exist within and as me here, as being within and as sound is voicing what is best for all, as what is best for all, is a state of equality and oneness with physical existence, where in contrast the mind, as consciousness is unstable as it lacks a physical perceptive ability of common sense.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting back chat in and as the voice of consciousness, the voice of limitation, the voice of more than and less than value judgements, based on a system manifest without that reflects the separation from life as the human within, of self abdication in and as life, that draws attention to details as descriptions of others, being locked into a state of stagnation as what is real, having lost touch with self as being self directive within and as self as life, this being what is best for self, and thus what is best for all.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become impatient with the voice as the expression of consciousness, not seeing realizing and understanding that such is myself as life, equal and one, and thus the only choice is to direct what expression exist on this earth to and towards what is the principle of what is best for all, as all that is here is capable of allowing life, within and without, where all life is allowed self responsibility in and as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that shame, as the sham, of consciousness as mind, as being self in separation from an equal and one physical and spirit connection realizing that the physical is a means of self being an expression of life, where the mind is an image as idea, opinion and belief, which are not what is life, as this is a projection onto life as idea only and not the actual physical world.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there is nothing to fear, as fear is a separation into and as no longer being equal and one to and as what is real here, and thus an indicator of separation in and as a lack in understanding equal and one communication with and as what is physically real, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear energetic responses as being real.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the storm of separation manifest as back chat as systemic accepted and allowed value judgements of what is more and what is less, this being parroted through words and deeds of pointing out what is accepted and allowed as a more than, which is obeying a system of inequality and thus survival in self interest instead of what supports all life, equal and one, where life is realized and the value, of which the physical world reveals a realization of practices that are what is best for all, as such would create a world of sustainability, stability, security, which is presently not what exists on earth if one chooses to go and investigate the behaviors of men, animals, soils, and plants.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become reactive to the ignorance of the nature of life, in and as a persona of disgust which is a reaction in and as fear, which is separation from and as life,to slow myself down and to breath, to become equal with the physical and from here to choose what is best for all within and as being what is best for self is best for all.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that as a sense of disgust comes tumbling down, I stop and I breath, and I do not allow a hole of fear within and as what i am be the response of myself, I stop I breath, I bring myself back here, and I direct this back chat judgement, as consciousness , into and as myself accepted and allowed beingness to realign this within the principle of what is best for all, to realize my disgust is myself in self abidication in and as life, here.

DIP Lite FREE