Day 831 Looking at the word permission. The theater of the absurd. What is our Media?

I can see where I drag some days, as though I am not moving. What is it that causes that hesitation, the waiting , that holding back? 

Sometimes, I make lists of things to get done, especially when I am aware of emotional “ clouds” that must be processed hanging around. This helps me to continue walking here, it is a means of focus. This also means working on words. I noticed a word I had a difficult time of REMEMBERING within this period of feeling I have something “ pulling “ me down and slowing me up in being present and here as who and what I am as a human being on a physical and practical planet.

That word was “ permit.”  I had enough cognitive wear-with-all to catch this. It is, to some extent, a greater ability to hold my own actions throughout a day, or more than one day, to review and assess. Within this, in my busy day, I noticed an inability to call up this word. This was “ telling” in itself. 

I relate this word to the word “ permission.” Within this word, I realized that at times when something becomes more clear, that I had not given myself “ permission” to be and do what I naturally understood. It is as though ignorance is a lack of permission. And, within this, there is a “ desire” to have permission from an outside source, much like a belief that I am not allowed to move forward unless I have permission! That is intrinsically a lack of self trust. It is a lack of brutal self-honesty. 

It is a product of the product of compulsory schools too - from another perspective. Meaning, because we become what we practice and what we practice automates into our muscle memory, like a quantum programming - this movement of “ waiting-for-permission” can become a subtle “ slowing” down of permitting natural insight into this reality!  Think about it, we go to school for years, and must ask for permission from an “ authority” during most of our daily hours during our initial developmental years. What happens with what we practice, as the smallest of movements? I mean, asking permission does have a quality of slowing down to assess, yet when mis-used can also inhibit a natural desire to follow through and understand, as discover, how things work here, in this life, this physical life! 

I can sense this “ word” being something that is difficult to “ hold” within me in a stable way and means. Quite literally, this is, and not “ like,” an indication that there are resistances within me towards and as permitting myself license and leverage in terms of speaking up in common sense of practical reality. If we are divorced from the practical, as the very means to get things done; what is in the way? What causes us to basically get caught in the absurd instead of the practical, the common sensical? The illusion that removes a natural presence is in essence an absurd! I mean, look at the polarized political drama screamed through the media daily! It is a theater of the absurd!  Distraction from self as life could therefore be realized as the theater of the absurd. Remember a time when you realized you held beliefs that turned out to not be what was real? How silly did you feel about what you had allowed? How ABSURD did you realize your belief to actually BE? 

If I play with the sound of the word “ absurd” what can I “compose’? By some accounts, a vowel in front of a word negates the word. Thus, “ ab” negates “surd.” If I SPELL “ surd” backwards I get “ dru-s.” Like, drew. Like, I drew something. Or, I framed something. Or, I SPELLED, as cast a SPELL.  Like, the absurd is the inverse of real creation, effective creation, the kind of creation that realizes there are no problems and only solutions!  I mean, if I am absent of self as life, just as I spine spells of protection and defense, so would I “ warp” sounds to hide my own absence of real focus and presence as who and what I am as life here. This life that is a physical life. This life here that is the realization in thought, word and deed of and as to consider all things, to take the good and do no harm. This is the universal principle of oneness and equality. It is a system of real creation. 

I am, for a moment, relating permission to this contrast of the “ absurd.” The “ absurd” being a drama within me that dis-associates me from real and natural presence, causing a difficulty in “ holding” a word steady within me. I am life, therefore I do not need “ permission” to be anything other than who and what I am here as life, which is physical. I mean, ask yourself, “ why does the system move to “ own” what are freely-given resources?  Why within constant “ war” are the natural RESOURCES of a country suddenly “ owned” by some perpetually-living paper-corporation? Why does “ aid” seem to move so slowly, while resource extraction move with great efficiency?  This in itself, is another one of those “ theaters-of-the-absurd”! And it is in plain sight. What distractions, as what are you associating with and as a self definition that is causing an ignorance of this resource movement on earth today? And, why, if you are aware, may this appear to some as a Goliath out there somewhere that one cannot change because it is too big? It can change. It means realizing every small individual allowance and acceptance as self definition. It means being cognizant of your politicians, and your individual resource use. It means being aware of your self. It means being aware of various words in  your reality that are, for some reason, difficult to “ hold.” 

In effect, the degree to which one is scattered into value judgements, as the absurd, is the degree to which one is separated from that innocence of the real beingness within, as one’s natural ability of and as real PRESENCE.  It is all a math. The means of separation from self is as much a system as is the living system called creation, as the physical reality right here in plain sight. Are you scattered in a resonant bubble of belief or are you grounded and present evident in an absence of anger and reaction? And Why?  Because in effect, the realization of the absurdity of a scattered state as a projected picture show - as resonant belief - causing a consciousness of separation is an inner theater of the absurd where one loses all permissions of self as life. 

Is one’s FOCUS a per-miss ? Meaning a “ missing” of natural FOCUS here, with a direct seeing included in the use of my imagination?  Am I here, as per - “ mit” meaning, “ with” what is here in my thoughts, words and deeds? 

Thank you for reading! 

Day 830 A reaction from within me to insistence

Yesterday, early in the day, during a conversation, suddenly this rain of reaction poured down within me, through the middle of me. It was sudden, in appearance, yet, there is space between events , and therefore,  somewhere there is a beginning and an end. That is the rule of creation.  This means, though I have looked at this over time, as the space of me here, as these reactions,  and though it is not as overwhelming, meaning, I realize the movement of reaction just as in this description, in a moment, that reign, as rain of emotion moved through me, down through the middle of my physical body.  I was “ awestruck” for a moment, like WOW! What I have worked on is HERE. This brought forward questions. I asked myself, where and how was I building this, what is not yet clear, what was the trigger, where did I react, what was the more automatic reaction, where did I begin to live an automatic fear etc. etc. 

lol, I as well, have a sense of not wanting to go back and find what appears to be a minute movement! This in itself is an indication that the running within me as me, wants to continue, and/or, there is some buried desire/fear I am not yet clear on. It also has to do with being the patience to walk something into a well understood correction. Could it also be that “ quick-fix” in the pace of this world, appearing normal, when the normal is what is abnormal and what is abnormal is normal? 

What I remember is what I call an insistence. Meaning, something that has an insistent quality to it. I relate this to my experience within working with the male of the human species. I noticed in time as my life, that men, the male, can have this intense agitated quality to their behavior. For me, it was like, “ what is that?!” That is a thing. A state turns an action into a noun after all.  That “ state of agitation” can also be this slow seemingly calm and quiet state of the passive aggressive behavior found in some women. It appears like this impenetrable force, that in non-movement is like a slippery fish. Yet, that agitated state is also much like a slippery fish. This is a practiced thing, a developed state. It is as psychologists said to me after being married for 9 years and 11 months. My husband committing suicide was built within him for years, - 10 years of marriage was not enough time to have built that. And this, even within myself knowing this was in him, but being so unfamiliar with such a choice, and being so caught in my own programming, I was sensing what I could not name, or because of my own resonant information, avoided naming. Well, I did name it, yet when I spoke of it, I was told I was negative. lol, when a man tells me I am crazy, that emotional agitation is present. As logistical fallacies reveal, the moment a person becomes emotional they have already lost the argument. This is something people responding in an emotional way, do not want to hear. We don’t get angry when someone tells a lie, we get angry when someone tells the truth. Perhaps this previous statement is also a lie in some sense. Why, because we can move mountains as humans, thus, it is not so much what someone says, it is also how it is said. Any subtle emotion in a voice, even when speaking clearly, as calling something out by name, can feed agitation or stubborn passive firewalls- which are programs of belief, a resonant form appearing invisible, yet is visible because standing outside of being emotional means being able to call something out by name, with an emotional voice, or without the emotion outside of the voice! This in itself, though of “ reason” indicates the existence of acknowledgement of movement/expression.  Water remains water, yet the ripples are visible. Movement is visible within creation. That “ invisible “ wall is visible.  The consequences of a mis-use of freely given resources is visible. It causes harm to other sentient beings. And, it is not the elite that hold the present system in place, it is the followers, the employees. It is those who abdicate self responsibility. It is us. The power we have as the numbers of is, is so great, we could create an earth where everyone can live like a millionaire! 

Thus, in that moment I within myself, sensed that emotional wave sweep down though the middle of me, I stopped. I realized I was experiencing what I call an intense insistence as information being expressed in my environment. I have faced this so much. With a panel, with individuals. I realize I have a paranoia of this wall, of this “ wave.” The first time I called something like this a “ wall” was in 2002. I remember walking down a hallway, in a school and feeling/thinking there was suddenly this “ wall” present. I ask myself what question lead to this question as a way to review the steps taken to get to where I am. It has to do with asking myself, as I stood in another and different hallway, asking myself what it was about the “ words.” It was something about the words. it was 2000. I knew I was not reaching my husband in some way. 

lol, I just realized that in some way, I am showing a point I repeat again and again and again. And it is facing that which I call “ insistent” agitation or passive aggressive behavior. In a way, that passive aggressive behavior is “ of “ an agitation too! I sometimes realize that I choose to study music because it was a way to get away from words, a way to avoid language, a way to do something that was “ pure” in and of itself. Or so I believed. 

It is a form of running from something, avoiding something. It is believing something is impossible. And, despite that perhaps to some extent I realize the nature and quality of that from which I run, or that which I avoid, or that which I no-longer-want-to-deal-with, or, want a quick-fix for, what happened yesterday, in the morning, is an indicator that it is not YET clear. It also is cool, because the overall movement was in itself more visible. Thus, I can realize as continue walking, to understand how that reactive movement within me was built/formed/grown and understand when I begin to react as a state of sensing that agitation, that insistence, to, as in sales, address the limitations BEFORE they come up- which has a quality of addressing resistances that is what composes that built agitation or intense “ insistence! And, at the same time, not be so hard on myself, when I fall prey to that. Or, be grateful for what and who I am here, in this life, as this is walked as much as I am able, sharing this, because what i realize is that so many realize the same things, thus sharing is caring, because as we all speak the walking of coming out of a suppression of ourselves as life, which is the only choice, we help one another to remain more stable within this process! I mean, that is awesome! 

Looking back, as assessing that moment, and writing here, What I immediately saw for a moment, was how what I would call a “ darkness’ was forming behind me. That is a form of resistance as protection. There is anger within that. Anger is fear. And yet, at the same time, this reaction is a recognition! So, this begs the question and reveals the sentient nature of me as life here! Meaning, this reaction as me, which I allow, recognized a movement in my environment, and most probably did not YET understand how to address that, and was cautious of it. 

What I realized within reflection of this moment, yesterday, is a deep seeded fear. It is raw, it is like an abject terror. ( what does “ abject” mean? That was an automated response using that word! …. …” present to the maximum degree.” “ … “ completely without ( self) pride or dignity, self abasing .” )  YES, it is like a moment where I move into fear, into resistance, into non-looking, into “ desire,” into self abdication,” into NON-LOOKING! And, coupled with this, under that fear, is some frustration. It is  not YET knowing how to address a wall! There is a small sense of seeing outside of the wall, that sense of somehow ( lol “ sum” and “ how” - we speak solutions while speaking problems - this is the power of WORDS! they are DWORS, as doors, they frame! We can only speak our experience; vocabulary comes BEFORE achievement! Such is the beauty of LIFE! Always GIVING!) In other words, in this memory, as a state of remembering this movement more towards its inception, where I sensed but did not have the words to match the ways and means of what I faced, yet sensed a disturbance in the life around me! 

The wall is a bully. It is insistent. Yet, behind that is that presence which asks the question. Thus, when I sense this “ black” cloud building, it is a signal that I am moving into a automated behavior as reaction to my environment. I feel threatened, probably from practice, by what is here, as what is being expressed, as the sum and the how in my immediate environment. I have used one method to at least not become reactive, even though I know not YET where to go. I ask myself, and this is from experience, “ where is the grace?” “ where is the calm?”  From experience, I realize NOTHING can touch me unless I allow it.  I used to say to people, “ I will get hurt but so will you.” or “ You just told me more about you than anything else.” lol, both statements can really stop a person in their tracks! It shuts them up. lol- not an answer yet revealing of something else I tend towards. Buying time, meaning in a process of elimination, holding back from making a decision because going “ there” or “ there” is not the place to go. I supposed this is an unconscious recognition of a wall, without naming it outright because ultimately one must look at SELF’s acceptances and allowances. In other words, I did not want to look at how I had become that with I hate, and as suppressing a natural sentience. Meaning, realizing that that state of what I call “ intense insistence” both in passive and aggressive movement/expression I was avoiding as not addressing because of being in a deep fear of it, based on past experience, and most probably as that of a child that did not yet have the words, as language to communicate. And, within this, this must be forgiven, because blame and spite is more of the same, a reaction instead of real responsibility. 

As far as I go with this today… I realized yesterday in that moment, having looked at my own ripples through a process of looking at my own emotional vortex creating my own personified firewall, because this is all this can be, and is visible, because we are all suppressing as hiding our creations as not looking at what is here, thus, this is visible if we make the decision to stand one and equal to life here.  I have recently read in a book that the present system was developed by a man with the last name Taylor. Thus what is here was called Taylorism! ( the present system is really an alignment with the acceptances and allowances of the human race- thus we are all responsible for what exists)  This Taylor, was the grandfather of John Taylor Gato! Gato, also writes about the construction of this system and how it fractionalizes through reason, through ratio “ giving” as our present education system, where we are “ taught” to do repeated tasks, as specializing to remain in boxes, abdicating our responsibility as life, meaning we shut down looking at the whole and the parts, we accept such a system, a system that is a system of separation from a natural and normal sentience as life as who and what we really are, AND the only choice. We, as individuals, must make the decision to CHOOSE if we want to get this world in order.  The vortex, spinning around, coming outside from within the eyes, being projected outward is visible. One must simple acknowledge what one is doing, just as I must acknowledge this “ black” cloud entity building that which then reigns my behaviors, as rains down through me, as this is not me creating, this is me reacting.  This is not an ease of and as real expression coming from me, most probably coming from my heart. I shut down my heart as that behavior of reactions as protection as thoughts, as ideas, and beliefs, and opinions, as protections. Instead of facing the “somehow,” the sum and the how, of that insistence, as what I call this at this moment , I reject looking. Perhaps, in moments, as a child, I also attempted to address this in various ways and means. I am sure many have, and we can remember. In moments we see through the cracks, as that part of me that asks the kinds of questions I ask, that were most likely of small moments before the reactive behavior, I allowed, took precedence of self as life, those moments are also there!  The grace and the calm, it is always there. It may be tiny and buried under  a huge emotional construct, but it is there. No one can bring that forward but the self. 

I will continue to look at this “ event” from yesterday. I commit myself to walking back through this to realize the construction of my own demise! I will look at desire too. To desire something, even if that something is not what is best, can have some quality of FINALLY looking at what is here, because the desire in itself, right or wrong, is enough to face what is here even if as manipulation! Therefore, as this appears in this moment, to be a movement more through my heart, the difference within this, may reveal what is not YET as clear as it can be. 

Thank you for reading!