Lately I feel like I am being crushed. Yet is this being wound up in the mind?
Then I remembered that what goes on in my head, is not real. And that in this process, things can get more intense the smaller they appear to become. Sometimes it takes me by surprise.
No matter what is happening in my mind, as what I believe, has nothing to do with anyone or anything but myself. In reality, the being of myself here, in a physical world is simple in comparison, because the physical is always right here, right in front of me.
When I have to do something that involves the systems of men, I begin to get anxious. Every year, at tax time I get anxious. I get all wound up. This is also based on a belief, as I was not taught about taxes but in some very general way. I have an idea of the ordering systems being some distant entity over which I have no control. In this I forget that these system are composed of men. I have to remind myself of the physical of the practical. No man is an island, and no road to Rome was built by one man, though an entity on the hill would preach such a story, because it is such an illusion that maintains the hill. To put these words into common sense, removing the parable that is what comes to be so believed it is crushing of the very spirit of life I can describe what really exists as a physical form around me. ( lol para bull ; like that para normal, but even more descriptive as it is the para BS.)
The one system I have gotten anxious about is doing my taxes, even though when I have had problems, I interacted with people and sorted them out. This has happened with many of the systems of men that I have had ideas about, seeing each member the same as another, having accepted the personalities of the role and not taking the time to notice the person within.
For me, I can remember experiencing this slow motion change in my teenage years. In some respects it is considered to be the maturation process. Yet is is not. It is instead the rejection of one’s self into an acceptance of a limited role, a persona to fit into a role. The memory is clear to me, I am sitting at a table with a bunch of my peers who had become models. I sat there and suddenly could see that something was being lost. The facades based on ideas of how one should be, within that role, were being projected in the words and manners of my peers, and what was of more ease, and more joie de vie, and something I called ‘ more unique’ was being lost. If one looks, one can see the pairing of the seed in process and expression, and the idea that this is happening can cause a small voice to say ‘ no’ and within myself a voice that says ‘ LOOK” yet this voice of ‘ LOOK” is more in self interest, because I am saying this to myself to remember this very thing that I write here. It is something I am saying to myself, as though I am going to remember what I see happening, even if I have to keep it to myself.
lol, my parents used to get me a Santa Claus ornament every year, because they said I continually carried the ‘ light’ . Meaning, I never gave up, I would not stop believing that there was another way, that what we are doing does not make sense.
I remember waking up sometimes and as I lay in bed I had this presence around that felt like it was crushing me. It happened so many times, that when it came I dreaded it. It took me years to get sick of it happening, to the point where one day it just said, fuck this I am going in. And there was nothing there, it was all smoke and mirrors. And it was me who was allowing it. It was not real. Shortly thereafter, I found destini .
My ‘ no’ was my awareness of something being ‘ messed up’ and my ‘ LOOK’ was my own protection and defense to remember, to hold onto remembering on some level that at times appeared to be impossible to hold onto. And then within myself I would wist and turn just to remember. In this I would get all wound up. Like I was at war with this presence of this weight that I sense.
Around the same time that I found destine, I began to notice that people talked at me. Meaning that they repeated things, and I was supposed to accept that value, when that value did not explain things in any way, It was just a value. This was when I decided to investigate psychology, yet within my investigations I only found endless description using many different words, the measure of clarity was minuscule. It was the same way in the education system, endless words, stories of good practices, using personal anecdotal experiences that were about one child, and not about a group. There were these huge books I had to read filled with this. This was another situation where I started to get wound up and squirm within myself. It was that I had not voted this out, and/or feared speaking up about the simple.
Even when I got my degree in education I had problems. I asked too many questions that could not be answered, and eventually the staff reacted and called me to be grilled in front of a panel. On some level I understood that I needed to only regurgitate the information. My grades were all top of the line, so that was not a problem. I just told them what they wanted to hear. They visibly relaxed. Later, I asked the questions again and the response was more honest , it was “ We don’t know how to do that.’ I was so stunned, I went mute.
I must become practical. I can realize that the system has become a storm of such reactions, and to stand and to bring in solutions, is going to mean standing within what are people, not remembering themselves, and yet they are right here. I am right here. I can, as I have done with my taxes, stand and sort out, no matter what because I am always right here, and what information comes up is a consequence of myself not standing grounded here in respect of the physical.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear information.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create an information within and as me, as words and ideas, beliefs and opinions to protect myself within and as remembering that something makes no sense in this world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to say within myself ‘ no’ in relation to what exists, which is a form of standing as rejection in self protection and defense, and also acknowledging that which was noticed yet believed by me to stand outside of, not addressing this and instead noting it, in self interest and a belief that it was impossible to address.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that within all of this, I watched how this was created, how the separation into and as a mind consciousness in separation from practical reality was built, at times seeing the patterns and speaking up about them, where it appeared I had some intuitive ability to understand things and therefor was insightful at times, which is really very limited thinking.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a positive charge on the word ‘ intuitive’ as though it made me special.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to forget that what is here is composed of men, as it is men who hold this together, thus to imagine the systems, like the IRS as being some huge entity with no name, is an illusion.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to get all wound up within and as ideas that the system and the mind is this huge amorphous entity that has no name, and is something that I must remember myself within, as this is not addressing a past that watched this being formed, and realizing that it is composed on nothing of real substance here.
When and as I find myself becoming anxious, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I remember that I am here, on a physical planet where practical actions create life.
When and as I find myself moving into a very quiet place within and as myself as that ‘no’ I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I remember myself to the physical world, a world with systems that are composed of men.
When and as I find myself rushing to ‘ LOOK” I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand that I can look here, ground myself here, that the values, as the charged emotions are my own accepted and allowed reactions to un ungrounded information , a separation from reality as the physical.
When and as I find myself believing that I am not enough to sort through such separations I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand that inherent potential within as that insight within another that is the same as me, grounding ideas, beliefs and opinions as information into the practical, here as the practical real world is always right here, and the misinformation reveals its separation in limited thinking that misses what is in plain sight here.
When and as I find myself fearing to point out the practical and tell stories of my own separations, to become intimate with personalities and the practical, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I allow myself to come here, to be here.
When and as I find myself believing that there is some huge entity out there that has no name, I stop and breath, and I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand that I am life, and thus I can practice life, and thus I move in a practice that grounds myself here, and considers all things, as much as I am able, to ground myself into who and what I am as a physical expression that is the practice of life, here.
When and as I find myself getting all wound up in anxiousness, I stop and I breath, and I see, realize and understand that friction and conflict I accept and allow within and as me, as noticing something is losing itself, where I focus only on the limited in fear of addressing it openly, and become quiet in self protection and defense, to look and avoid, overall myself rejecting the practical to which I can respond as I am here, present, noticing the separation, thus can I stand in the storm and remain present here.
When and as I notice a tension of reaction as anger, which is fear, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and see, realize and understand that I can assess and investigate measure as what and who I am as a physical being, as I am a physical form that is like the most perfect calculator, and thus, I can go easy on myself as take the time to untime me here, to remain present in awareness of the physical, as it is always right here.