Friday, March 24, 2017

Day 748 Looking at frustration to realize my own fear.

That point where i become frustrated, I can use as a red flag , in terms of what behaviors I choose and use to direct myself within, as a moment. If I lose myself to frustration, I become inferior to myself, unequal to moving through the border of my ability to ‘ know the score’, or process the math, or use my common sense. This is realizing the border of my awareness, slowing down and realizing greater and more subtle detail, about the world around me. This is the point where I have to assess, investigate and make a choice to move, to self direct, not being hard on myself when I make a mis-take, as I have entered a new territory. Here, it is to focus myself, having a greater faith in the command of myself as who and what I am as a human being. The sensibilities of what I am, as physical life, as life in expression, to see, realize and understand here. Also, to cross reference my own synchronistic level with reality, and the reality around me. It is also to understand the levels of development, to listen to the focus of another, and move from that point forward as this is me in another life. Also, to realize that being in a situation where I impart my natural sensibility as the physical, if a form of physical learning, and thereby something that can move with greater efficiency - even though reading about something once mastering a certain level of awareness can be helpful, there is nothing like the abstract as ideas, beliefs and opinions made real through physical cross referencing. Meaning, what is an idea, must move in synch with the practical physical reality, and that with ease, otherwise force is used, and that is moving against working with something in harmony- which is actually realizing that one can leave nothing behind. It is all a beautiful design leading one forward, if each human being made the decision to respect all things, and live as the principle of what is best for all. 

This is what the practice of self forgiveness, writing and practical application, leading to a self directive capacity manifest as the real potential of men, is all about. This is the process, on could say, of removing the veil, that thing within, a resonant thing, that is too big to fit through the eye of the needle. Meaning to self realize self as life, equal and one to the physical, as this is all things and not only that bubble of information in one’s head, or one’s mind, or one’s consciousness. As that bubble is a consciousness of separation.  That degree of separation, a construct of limitation, as ideas, beliefs, and opinions,  destroys the physical body, as the self as the body,  moves counter to the physical, and degrades because it  essentially does not fit. This could be said to be a rejection of life. It is an outcome of being unequal to life. It is being unequal to the physical.

Back to my own review of when and as I find myself getting frustrated. In these moments, I have to assess, investigate and slow way down. In a recent encounter, I remember a moment of frustration, as a fear, where I stood back, physically stood up to stand more on the side. How I remember this tiny movement, was that I noticed a movement that I would call a kind of slow motion in another person. That moment where I sensed this, was the moment I stood back. I reacted, I did not want to face that ‘ measure’ of slow motion, where I felt the person moved in a thick soup, or a conceptual sluggishness - as I would call it in this moment. I reacted with resistance, or could I say fear- towards that ‘ entity’ of movement, of song, of math.  I wanted to run.  One could say, from one perspective that I feared this ‘ entity’ defining me. One could say that I allowed this ‘ entity’ to have authority over me.  Somehow, though this is true, it does not fit what i allowed. Also, I have to say, that I could go back and check my own movements, that I could catch this one moment, is cool. This process is cool. 

Again, back to this issue. lol.  I could say, I was like a snob, and did not want to go into that ‘ soup’ that construction, that math.  It might, like a virus, consume me, or so I believed. This attitude overall towards this, or, my perspective towards this, is telling in itself.  It is like stepping into a shadow, and realizing it need not define me, and directing the parts into looking at reality, to live in greater synchronicity with life. It is removing the tensions of fear that force protection instead of a command of self effectively.  I recognize on some level, the impetus of this reaction, made habit, practiced again and again, compounding and accumulating into no-longer-recognizing this behavior, burying it under blame and spite, hiding it in justifications, labeling the objects around me as the fault, when it was not myself, seeing directly and instead directing myself in-fear-ior to life.  I also notice shame and self hate, as I realize so often we are the hardest on ourselves, because we understand that we are the ones who did not slow down and practice resolution into calming the waters of fear. Meaning , in my case,  choosing to not address something because of a fear of punishment. There may be some desires there, that motivated this forward too, yet what I sense is that this is more a consequence of a fear of punishment. And, to realize that as a child, I probably did not have the vocabulary to voice, to vocalize what was happening. It is revelatory in the resonant sense, as it is colored more with an unnamed fear than something more defined. And yet, that ‘ entity’ that I label as being ‘ sluggish’ and soupy, is the same, it lacks real definition, it moves in slow motion.  Also, before I started self forgiveness, I spoke in terms of “ why does it appear to me that people are losing conceptual ability”, as one of the things I was saying to myself.  I also recognize that the same ‘ color’ or tenor’ of what I resisted, and as my movement into frustration, is the same or very similar. It is like a shadow on my heart. 

Did I accumulate knowledge and information, read and read and read many books to find a way through this? Did I run towards the means to an end, to avoid that same end? Did I sense on some level that I needed to process more in-formation, to face this storm of fear, or separation, and run from what was always right in front of me? Yes.  I can realize that I have worked with a dog that had a lot of behaviors of fear, where I patiently stood as a different behavior,  until the dog relaxed and moved with greater ease, and less reaction in an environment. This dog, becoming more and more accepting of people walking towards him to pet him, whereas in the beginning the dog would react, tense up, become restless, though exhibiting some caution and restraint at the same time. Overall, this change not something that can be transferred in any other way, but with and as the physical. Something that must happen on the ground - to note in relation to this of which I speak.  Thus, overall, I have the capacity to realize the red flag of resistance when I stand back and convince myself that something is impossible, which is really a point of frustration, that is what I have not faced, as the state of fear moving in a perpetual rhythm, and instead embracing the vocal point, and realizing where ‘ Goldilocks stands’ as the border of understanding, to then spell a sentence using words, that opens greater insight, of which I would want for myself, as such moments are so precious, they are often the most memorable, as being something hard to forget, as they have a great power. They are also the means to the end, and recognized with gratefulness as a part of the nature of them within me.

Overall, the more I realize, for which I am thankful within and as this process of journeying to life, the more I realize, that this has to be done on the ground, as though the network of men, must come back down to earth, which must be lived, on the ground- as I said.  Greed and a desire to control, must stop. What matters if building a network, that sees this reality directly, correcting the math, the inner structure to respect all things, removing the veil of separation of a lesser god/structural resonance/mind consciousness and thereby building communities of man who live equal and one with the physical, doing no harm, taking that which is good. This is priceless.


When and as I find myself moving into frustration, I stop, I face what I see as an ‘ entity’ of slow motion as something I have noticed with greater clarity, this having a quality of and as being heavy with fear, laden with ideas, beliefs and opinions, and I embrace the conception. I slow down and breathe, walk the form within and without, relate to the practical physical reality, deconstruct and reconstruct, embrace and accept, change and reform and keep my feet on the ground. I see, realize and understand that I can open my heart, and hear the “song”, that it need not define me, as I am flexible, to become more a measure of respecting life, here to realize the greatness of life, to life with more consistency what I have done in other moments, thereby becoming more constant in grounding my presence here. 


Monday, March 20, 2017

Day 747 My own structural resonance and emotional firewalls.

My own structural resonance and emotional firewalls.

I recently interacted with what I saw as a very large emotional firewall. I have had enough experience in my life that I realize in moments that it was not so much what I said, but more in how I said what I said. What I mean by this, is that there have been situations where I called something out by name with a calm, with an intent of making something clear more than some gain for myself. When I did this, I noticed I was more effective in my communication. 

Conversely, there have been similar situations where I spoke up and called something by name, but my starting point was more colored with a desire, or a self interest motivated of and as fear.  In these situations I had to face the consequences, because that color , or desire, or emotion was still present, it would either be sorted or allowed to accumulate further, as to allow such, was to not address what had within the law of compounding remained, as it had not been balanced out. This is within the math of what one resists persists. 

I also notice that I tend to be very hard on myself, thereby creating my own emotional firewall of self doubt and self blame, leading to a sense of self unworthiness. Then within me, anger grows and I begin to become frustrated and lash out, creating that which focused more on a lack, instead of remaining calm and balancing, or sorting myself out, realizing a mistake as a means to learn a more correct balance, leading to a consequence of more effective communication. Emotional ‘ firewalls’ are an imbalanced resonant inner structure, one of denial of self wholeness, or being focused in awareness of all things, as all things are self in another life because the substance is the same in all of us. When becoming emotional, instead of looking within myself, and resolving the math of me, as polarized and warped values, I notice I start to blame and spite objects around me as the default - often moving into using label - when it is myself who is not focused and in respect of life, calling things by what they are in their physical relationship. 

Within this, I realize that I continue to have some fear of this, within myself and facing this within others, facing that storm of imbalance,  an emotional firewall, as a way for me to call this by name and begin to sort this out within the point that I am at in the moment, here.   I must realize to a greater degree that this is a process, one that is concomitant, meaning that balancing things out will have moments of mis-take.What is always right there, within and as me, as that ability to speak within calling things by name with that more clear voice that can be heard through imbalances as emotional and feeling energies. I have experienced the difference in my life in moments, thus this can be done, so to not be too hard on myself.  I realize that we are all capable of this.


Also, we cannot know what we do not know. Because of this, we cannot move past our inner conceptual indexing. Meaning, we cannot move beyond the level of our learning balance scale. Yet, we can practice referencing the practical, knowing the score of reality, respecting it and building a more direct relationship to/and towards it. This ability to reference reality, is more natural, and it is what children naturally are able to do, this which is somehow lost. Our children are a product of the math of their environment. And this starts in the womb.  They absorb the colored  state of conceptual lack  as the very signature of emotional firewalls, as mis-informed constructs of information, causing a distraction if not sorted out, slowing down a natural ability to realize the magic is in the physical doing. If we look at our society today, there is so little opportunity to actually do things, most exposure is through media and/or from memorizing information- this a direct disconnect from reality, by design. Even early books on education realized the need to  build relationships to reality. In this I am personally glad that President Trump is formulating apprenticeships as an alternative to high school, for example, because we as a society have lost a connection to living relationships in the learning process. Even such a situation can be manipulated, thus there is the need to understand overall, how we are formed, and to recognize emotional ‘ paranormal’ firewalls, because this is what such is. It is also necessary to meet a person where they are at, within, and to move froward from that point, as physical relationship building can accelerate learning. Also, through practical living applications - which is to say, one must bring the children back into building direct relationships to reality- this being done through words having a direct relationship to reality without the clutter of pictures. One must forgive the inflammatory polarized values of self interest, often visible as manipulation in space and time, and realize the only choice is to consider all things, and take what is good and does no harm. War is conflict, and it is used for profit, it is an emotional firewall on a grand scale, a form of manipulation that is conceptually separate from the living reality around us. War is a reflection of what each is within themselves, and the system is actually a protection for a lack of self responsibility in each individual.  It is a loss of insight into the absolute purpose of life, that absolute purpose being the living nature of taking what is good and does no harm. This is being/moving in harmony.  When two minds meet that understand a level of mastery that is so balanced and expansive, few words are needed, as just being in the presence of such, and recognizing it, is such a state of joy there is no expression that can be that, as that state is both fecund and silent. One could say it is the meeting of a level of inner structure that realizes we create who and what we are. 




Monday, March 13, 2017

Day 746 MOTHER earth is speaking.

I remember when performing that a key could change, and the whole tenor as the very fabric of the music could change. I remember asking myself in my earlier years, how I could move with this more, as become more fluid within the content. In time, as I practiced and mastered the small it became easier. I had to focus on the small and sense the whole. I could hold the movement within this, and was often a section leader because of this.

The other day I was talking to a young man, and despite the ‘ drama’ as the conversation moving on one level, I noticed this same kind of shift in the tenor of the conversation. This subtle shift has been pestering me, as I can’t seem to shake it, it keeps coming up, like a memory of a past moment, jumping out of me, which is a resonant form.  What is the point of this, what am I saying to myself, as the very resonance and math of me, my own veil? 

In working with children, I can see how they can change. Their math, or the very measure of their behaviors must change, as they are the ‘ feral’ children of their hosts, the parents.  This process and my resonant experiences, a reflection of how all of this works, and the great capacity of this if used correctly.  A mis-use of this creates a fear-all child as the child mirrors the parents emotional and feeling and belief net-worth resonant within. If not understood, the cart becomes, through the law of accumulation, or the law of compounding, as one’s resonant seed, - the cart begins to be placed before the horse; that horse a symbol for me, as the inherent reciprocity of the physical - this I am living as that memory, that math, that resonant memory of and as that moment where I noticed a subtle, yet very loud  in a way, key change in that conversation.  I would say that the process of self forgiveness, and building proper networks of words to reflect the building blocks of the physical,  is walking backwards, defining that ‘ cart’ and realizing that one can master one’s self, and lead from the physical, being grounded here. 

In all, I must become content with my own accepted and allowed oontent, and realize the content of this overall, and ground myself in the content of and as the physical. I can realize my own ‘ feral’ resonant foundation, and see the resonant accumulation of ill defined as unfocused presence, and step by step, in a proper order, rebuild to become more fluid in the mastery of the focus of me, within the content of what and who I am, as that physical ‘ horse’ and be content with myself as life, as this would be to accept the joy of life, as all this physical world, so expressive , so alive, so fecund with life, with a framework that is symbiotic. 

This must be walked, like a virus into the physical, the opening of the eye of the needle. This must be done, as though spreading through the physical, not drawng attention in one centralized area, as that in itself is an imbalance, and can open one up to attack. It must happen like a slow moving yet consistent current type of tsunami, so to speak, where the water flows in slowly, the awareness like a real wealth accumulating in a spread, to not be noticed, as when it accumulates overall, when noticed, it is too late, and within this, the capacity, the real capacity of men comes forward at the same time. This is being in synch. 


Stay the course, it is a beautiful design. The blue bird knows the way forward. Be like water, persistent, because one does have the capacity to remove the veil, this capacity is who and what we are as life. 


Saturday, March 4, 2017

Looking within Felicity Day 745

I am looking at resistance, as resistance is fear. 

I remember sometimes in music, a phrase or form would appear to be unable-to-be-understood for me. The form would come and the math, the measure of it was like something distant from me. It was as though there was a veil inhibiting it from me- this little shape of sound before me graphed out. I had to slow down, alone, at home, by myself, and start to take it apart. It appeared to be this illusive ‘ thing’ that somehow I could not grasp. It begged the question as to why I could take in one little notated form and not another. It made no practical sense. 

The “ block’ could be called a resistance. Somehow, my own resonance was counter to the form, my own resonance was such that the math of me, the resonance of me, the values of me were creating a wall that separated me from the form before me. It was like too different currents were meeting one another.  This overall a ‘ red flag’ because I could not transpose myself, be flexible myself, and embrace the form. I was resonant with a formation that was holding itself to such a degree that I could not change and take in a varying form with the very substance that was me, as that means that could form into my resonance and the resonant form before me that I was having difficulty grasping.

Whose fault was this, was it the form, was it that I was ‘ something’ , a personality that had value, or as some say; ‘ Just the way I am?”  Or, “ this is my opinion, you must respect that?”  If I am resistant to something then I am not being the capacity to understand, as understanding another form, which is a combination of values made up of the ultimate value of what builds form overall,   how can I really understand perspective? If I cannot change and stand as a ‘ musical form’ or any form for that matter, realizing that I can understand for a moment, and yet change in the next, thus nothing can define me but what I allow as in time and space for something to be formed it must be stood as for a period of time.  If I look at what I am being that is unable to change then I have become a resonant thing and therefor lost a capacity to change, thus from a starting point of what I am as a human being, in relation to this, if I cannot change in relation to expressions as insights as perspectives towards another, for a moment, then I am in a form of a fixed state and therefor holding onto something that need not be held onto, to the extent that I can change and see another form, even if for a moment. I have lost flexibility. I have become stagnant. And this means overall, that I am responsible for what I am, and in the order of mastering myself, I must be able to realize and recognize when I am within a resistance, as I am in a lost state of embracing a form that I can accept and or move forward, as in taking what is good and does no harm. My resistance reveals my fear of change and my lost state of being in common sense, meaning to take something and understand it and then direct it effectively. 

Yesterday, I resisted something based on my own beliefs. I believed that something was too much. This based on past interactions. In a moment, I was faced with a response. The response was “ I had a difficult week.” I replied graciously and walked away. I did not allow the door to open, because I did not want to listen to the layers of justification. I had had to do this and allowed it to become too much. I feared that happening again. Overall, it was an opportunity to face the storm and practice sorting it out. As I drove away, I recognized this. The saving grace was that I so readily recognized this. Before it would have taken me more time. So, I tell myself, this in itself a good that can become a justification. All of this a sound wall. a math of values, resonant within me. I am a Humpty Dumpty.  Face it, move and get over it. We need to start admitting this to ourselves. Overall, there is nothing but resolution.  Living in fear and resistance is a drag, quite literally.  I for one have had it. Fuck you if you do not want to do the fucking math. It is right here in front of us, in plain sight. There is no escape. You are an organic robot. I mean, look at your words, your sound formations, are they filed with iconography that uses metaphor, or compound labels to zip file information where eveyone has to guess at what is meant? 


I have had people say to me, in relation to animals, that when an animal comes to ‘ visit’ as move outside of expected behaviors, that a past loved one has come to visit. This is a projection of an icon, as that person from that past visiting. What it can really signify is a characteristic of the self that the self is chasing, as the self has placed this value outside of the self because this is the self rejecting the self. This is the self chasing what the self gave up, and the means for the self to live without fear, without resistance and the cause of resistance. In the scream of the longing is the thing being missed, the thing given up. It is the signifier of the shattering of the self, into pieces, it is the beginning of the advent of a separation into fractionalized projected parts as ideas, beliefs, opinions. It is the smoke and mirrors show. It is the consciousness in separation from reality. In this instance, a person said to me that an animal came to them and that it was their friend they had lost. In reality, that friend was admired for a value the admirer lost within themselves, objectified outside of themselves. The animal that ostensibly came was the value the self rejected and longed for, hidden in a series of storied information placed into objects holding past projections. A huge parable. Looking at the smallest of parts can disperse the picture show. I want to say, what is constant within the show? Bring it back to self. Find the word. Realize the initial resistance. Would one agree that realizing what was lost is the means forward? Could one see the self hate is a form of self pity? Is this not manifest as an added color of longing? Could this not come as an answer to a question as “ I had a difficult week?” as the starting point of sorting out the projected and separated values ?  If I am capable of writing this here, am I not capable of facing the storm and living the joy of being present, sensing the small, within the greater inflation of resonant forms? Shame is not going to change this. Self hate and reprimand is more of the same. 

Today, I ask myself : " What is felicity?"


Monday, February 27, 2017

Presence and resonance beingness . Who am I? Day 744

In my last blog I wrote about sensing what can only be called a resonant change within myself, after living in a foreign country. I wrote about how I noticed a physical resistance that precipitated    calling out a behavior as being extreme where previously, before living in another country, I had no physical resistance or reaction towards such behavior. All of this indicating how I can, within seven years, change the very resonance of me, as a comfort zone of the stance, or the acclimated values within me, or, relationships I composed myself within and as.  When my environment changed, and was no longer the ‘ song’ or ‘ math’ or collectively accepted values of a group, I physically reacted. It appears to be a sense of being out of synch with my surroundings, yet I started to notice the differences and projected the differences as something outside of myself.  I could have become so focused on the differences ONLY, yet managed to realize that I had acclimated to the ‘ stance’ of my new environment. 

How often does this happen in other areas of my life? And/or am I as near to being fluid in seeing the patterns and movements of this overall? Meaning, do I apply how much a resonance of values  are what I face, what I meet, when I interact with others? If I do not understand this, are those moments of projection and calling out of a behavior, a labeling that behavior being weird or extreme, without realizing the interaction of resonant values bumping up against another, as being a relationship ? Do I realize that I am simply in a juxtaposition of values imbedded in the flesh as what has become an acclimated stance within? Do I tend to resist what does not ‘ resonate’ with me, because I have become so self involved that I have lost all perspective of seeing and realizing this? Ultimately, how is it that this has not moved me to realize that the only thing that is real is the physical? And/or that taking on a value, as focusing on something, is okay, yet must always refer to what is in the moment as the greater world around me, within an understanding that what is practiced, if not reviewing the whole overall, can become resonant within, and then direct the flesh to the point where, as I did, react physically? What would happen if this is not understood? I can think of many reactions, as resistance I have done and lived, because I did not understand this! I, instead, in my self centered self interest ONLY,  believed my resonance to be more real than what was around me. I blamed this very default happening in others, on that resonance, even went into fear of it, instead of realizing the whole and the parts of and as how this all works. 

Is it not also so easy to realize at this point that this is what the proverbial ‘ valley of smoke and mirrors’ is in fact? Where to hide what is real, but right in front of us. as the within made larger than the without, and the without being what is real, and what is similar to being a ‘ master mind’ in that what would ground is referencing all things, and balancing out within that, this in itself a practice lending greater flexibility , or less stagnant inner stance of values in a bubble.  After all, then, what is a mind consciousness system? If one’s focus , as the events one allows within, on a time line, or horizon of sequences of self accepted stances, or values, were repeated again and again until they directed the flesh,  would one become a ‘ seed’ of information, of and as small movements compounding in one’s deeds? Would this end up causing a resonance counter to the greater whole? Would a flexibility be lost? Would the ability to process information become stagnant as that resonance consumed the life within, as the very focus of that presence within? Who could correct, or balance this out? Can another do this for one’s self? No. Would the self that was caught in the web, want forgiveness? Thus, is the only choice, that of forgiveness? As forgiveness is the movement of correction? This correction not capable of being done by anyone, but the self, and would one not want it to be any other way, as this is the way to self mastery? I mean what is one doing when one practices a musical instrument all by themselves? And would one also need to practice or interact with the whole also? Would a one sided practice cause an imbalance? 

A word is a placeholder of information, thus a word can be used to direct this, to guide this, to trigger the re-establishment of one’s focus onto the greater and the smaller, in the present, so that the self can see the resonance within and the practical without. This would lead to being equal and one to all of creation. Instead of reacting, as resisting resonances ( ghosts in the machine) one would become more self directive- AND NOT FEAR THAT RESONANT MATH!  As it is, at the moment, we are all basically, resonating values in a self centered inner-rest, absent a common sense of the present moment, which is being in the practice of the physical reality around us, recognizing what does not harm, as what accepts what is here, and working with it, or interacting with it, or communicating with it, which overall, allows one to realize one’s own resonances. In a way, there is nothing wrong with looking at the parts, bringing this forward for a moment, yet remaining grounded in the physical is also necessary. 

I admit that I am in fear of what resonates in another, because it means that I have to face the equation. I have to have the patience to slow down, listen, ‘ quantify’ , call out by name, to become in sympathy with clarity with another, with a resonance, and then relate back to the practical, or realize what would be best, and make choices, as the only choice, as what would expand and lend direction without generating more conflict, or harm as a reaction to a ‘ resonant form’.  I can so move into fear, or anger, when meeting resistance despite realizing the only solution is to go back to the drawing board and walk the clarity again, especially since a resonance can be quite sticky and bounce back. This being what causes a great forgetFULLNESS, that is the root of the problem within this not being understood.  

Because we have, in a sense, all become like the movies we watch, ‘ story boards’ that repeat and speak and direct the flesh, as a resonant sequence of events colored with value judgements, singular and limited though not necessarily ‘ bad’ , it is necessary to slow down and begin to differentiate this. It is to give space for greater and deeper recognition of one’s accepted and allowed resonant seed of information. 

I have this point where I miss some turn, some resonant movement within me. I can see, or feel the after effects, as this cycles, yet have not yet caught that tiny movement that was a choice I made, or accepted, as a value judgement. It is like not wanting to let something go, or this being so habituated, I can only practice catching this again and again, making mis-takes.

Mostly, it is in my arms, a tenseness that is intense. lol.

What helps me, at times, is to look at this as though I am reading shadows. I liken it to a ‘ life review’ where I bring every moment of my life forward, like a resonant history, and realize where I resisted, rejected, blamed, pushed away, stood as - believed, etc. And then, to sort out my resonant under-standings.  Has to be done, and why have it any other way? After all, how does one come to master something? What did we think humpty dumpty was all about?  And why were the fables, and tales, and biblical stories, and twentieth century novels like 1984, telling us? And why were they in a format that was indirect yet revealing? They in themselves are a kind of resonant form, showing a math, yet cannot be the actual practice in the self. It is just as I was when I started calling out the value system manifestation as behaviors on a face, as I stood looking at this from a different resonance as what I had acclimated myself to.  I am the subject of my own objectification! Because of a fear of calling things out by name, which is the means to self empowerment and disempowerment of the limited resonance , it appears easier to do the same without facing this directly. Yet, if this is what I am saying must be done, then somehow I am not facing this in myself, because I am unwilling to show the bare naked accepted and allowed resonance of myself. The point is that this is understood, and pointed out, though indirect, by many. 


A word for me today, is the word ‘ frame’ meaning, what am I framing within what I bring forward, as resonate within me? What and where am I losing a sense of the larger frame as the physical? What am I defining myself as, within a resonant frame, and what relationships am I making that builds this frame I stand within? What practices in the small within myself can change this frame and focus, or realize in a more fluid way, calling resistances out by name, and understanding to then relate to the whole to build a more encompassing relationship to the whole as all things, where I do not rush, or expect, or fear a loss, thereby procrastinating, seeking perfection,  idealize,  control, reject, imagine only,  give up, get lost in a comparison of self protection etc. I can, as the very capacity of and as me, learn to play/perform/interact-with-the-whole as the means is right here, in plain sight.  After all, so much of what has not been lived, is that individual practice of doing and realizing the smallest of movements, as the smallest of things, is what one must master to become a master of self, something that must be practiced, and something that no one can do for the self but the self. This AND interacting with the whole, as it cannot be ONLY one or the other. 


Friday, February 24, 2017

Memories are a resonant being . Day 743

Two memories have come up that I have looked at before. I notice that I also have back chat or “worst case scenario’  imagery coming up. The worst case scenario ‘ episodes’ are really random, using all manner of imagery. I have these come up in relation to driving because I have had two head-on collisions, that within the system, were not my fault. AND, they happened in a place where many such accidents happen. I remember that it was said that there can be places where there are cross currents, maybe this place is one of them.  For instance, I found out my orthodontist’s wife also had two accidents in the same place. The cars were destroyed, meaning they were so damaged to be tagged as unrepairable. I have fears around driving and they tend to come back when I am not addressing something; I can use them as a red flag.

I had lived in Europe for ten years. One summer, I returned to the states, as I had other summers too, yet never had that which I am going to describe, happen. On this eighth summer, I noticed that I was constantly stepping back from my American peers. Meaning, I would be standing and talking with them, and find myself taking a step back.  I also remember asking the question, “ why are ‘ you’ moving towards me so much?”  At the time, I remember looking at this, and also saying. “ Wow, I can see how other cultures label American’s as having a garish intense smile!” 

After spending seven years in Europe. a seven year cycle, my ‘ resonance’ as my state as a manner or stance, had changed. This fits in with how our cells cycle themselves, as in our cells carry the resonance of our ‘ math’, or the ‘ value’ system that defines us, holds us, is of how we are mannered within ourselves! This eighth summer, I was resonating my exposure, my environment, my newly cloaked ‘ color’ , all measurable in the distance I stood from another person, the amount of reserve or intensity -of-smile, or presentation of myself and how I held the very muscles of myself; ALL OF WHICH IS A “ MATH,”   had come to be a counter  or alternative rhythm, so to speak, to my American environment. 

What I find interesting, as telling of my stance on another level, is that I so readily moved to BLAME those around me, as though it was not me, it was them- the objects around me! Even within asking a question as, “ Why are my friends leaning into me so much,’ and ‘ Now, I know why other cultures make fun of the American way of being intense ( like a staccato-ed accent in music) with the manner of grinning from ear to ear- as though making a ‘ happiness’ stance more intense, by degree! Thus, I was projecting the ‘ difference’ as a ‘ wrong’ or uncomfortable thing being done unto me. 

What is also amazing is how my physical body reacted, with me doing the thinking after the fact. I only noticed it because I noticed my body reacting. This indicates, how much of a resonance stance I became, which is the same in all of us.  The very ‘ math’ of an in-culturated manner, representing value systems, had become me, which manifested the eighth year into my change into another environment. This corresponds to a cellular memory that then comes to direct my subtle movements physically. This memory has come up in tandem with a memory from childhood as of late. 

I had gone and walked up to my father and younger sister in this childhood memory. I had wanted attention, and as such surprised my father, who turned and knocked me over onto a tricycle. I have a scar from this, which at the moment, has some very dried skin on it.  In this memory, I remember being angry at my father, feeling hurt that I had been knocked onto the tricycle.  Even though, at the time, I got over this pretty fast, I do remember being so embarrassed that I was angry, and I blamed my father for suddenly turning and inadvertently knocking me over- as I am sure he did not want to do this and probably felt some degree of shame as well. Yet, this is my earliest memory of moving , or projecting blame. I was actually embarrased as I had only considered my own desire for attention- so my anger, was really my own shame, because I acted on an idea. I acted on some resonant desire, separating myself from my own common sense. The after stance, even with the anger, I was aware that I had moved in my own self interest- so absorbent am I as a human being. 

I wanted to take a deeper look at resistance. When I look at the resonant change within myself, after living for seven years in a different culture, how my immediate reaction was to project the change, or problem, being on those around me. It was an after thought to realize that I had become more of the subsequent different environment.  The resonant manner, embedded in the physical, was what showed me my own actions, my thoughts immediately moving to project a story, and as I said, that of blaming the objects until I with a secondary overview, began to sort this out.

I also remember saying something to my peers, that I could understand how other cultures labeled Americans in cartoons with aggrandized and plastered smiles. With some of my peers I met reaction. Meaning, with some I caused the same that I had been, a form of resistance and projection into justification instead of understanding. Some understood and even found it interesting. This is telling, because it is showing that the very act that I did, is deeply ingrained in our ‘ reading’ of actions- as manners are a form of action and expression of ..... our resonances, our beliefs, our value systems, our math, our way of reading relationships with regard to everything around us. We are truly organic robots. Which, on another level, is why the media is so successful, unless we view it with a critical and creative approach, understanding what I am saying here, overall. 

Thus, as I said, I have this back chat, with really random scenarios, coming up, and it is composed of this movement of projecting blame onto the objects around me. And yet, this other memory where I realized the very resonance of me, in seven years which matches cellular change, indicates that what I allow, as how I move, within the very smallest of measures, comes to be the information that directs my physical movements! This in tandem with this memory from childhood, and my scar, I can see where I, as far as I can remember, planted the first movement of blame, that even if I at that age, did not dwell on it for too long, it was that tiny movement that started a seed of projecting the problem of my own actions, outward onto the objects around me. 

Because, I have not cleared this ‘ resonance,’ as a formula, up, completely, in its inception, it continues to be how I move, in manner, or, in thought, word and deed. It could also be, that I am at a point of change, as a point of change also carries a quality of most resistance, as the old does not want to die. 

I want to also look at the practices in the school systems, and relate this to learning the violin. I had violin lessons for years, I would go and have the lesson, and have exercises to do at home, ALL BY MYSELF. I had to learn to walk those tiny movements, that practiced being in control of my body, and integrating a physical awareness of the space. This was a practice that no one could do for me, but myself. 

If I look at a school, it is like having a violin lesson, where a direction, or a practice is given, and practiced, or walked through a couple of times, yet cannot be that self, practicing that movement.  The self has to go and do the walking, the practice. The time and space in what a school is, cannot be that practice by the self. One is actually building what comes to direct the physical body, which says that what one allows, and what one practices, will come to resonate in the body and will move the body, thus one’s actions reveal one’s math/perspective/memorized -as-conditioned-blueprint-of-belief, or the order of relationships as how one sees the world.  

A school relates and teaches with example, using words and pictures, just as a violin teacher can model,( which is actually more direct) shows a form, movement included. If I do not practice that movement, and only do it based on that one time, trying to incorporate it from that one showing, I am going to cause a distraction in my presence as I interact with the world around me. I am going to slow down my processing when interacting with the whole, missing things, and causing imbalances, because I did not do that which only the self can do, which is integrate something new through the only way to integrate something new, which is to go and do the small, to practice it- as it takes both the exposure AND the detailed practice of the small, as this is how things are built. 

This is why, so many master’s of things, stress the importance of practicing the small. Meaning, to make sure that small is practiced, because the self must learn to self direct, in detail, all by themselves. This is something that no one can do for the self.  Another way to say this, is that the schools cannot be that practice for the child, and nor should they, as it is a valuable lesson for a child to realize that they build understanding, and that this takes practice, because it takes time for a correct movement, to be integrated into the cells, so that the body moves in effective ways, as what we practice ( or allow, follow without question)  becomes what directs us. Yes, it is that deep, and resistance towards acknowledging this is simply self rejecting and resisting how this all works. Resistance means, one must really look at one’s manner. In all, it does not matter who’s fault it is, if one wanted to take this stance because ultimately, what one has allowed, or been exposed to, resonates within, which no one, not any other person can change but the self. In my case, blame is not going to change this as being in a state of blame, as projecting something outward, is not a practice of looking at what I resonate and learning from it, and realizing that it is what it is, does not need to define me, and shows me where I am not being in understanding, as embracing what is here. In all, such actions, as what I have accepted to be the resonance of me, can show me relationships between things, as beliefs, and as movements that can understand and change in a moment, relax and move in ways that ask more open ended questions, for example.

In so many ways, I realize I have become a social engineering so prevalent in the idea of being ' positive' where I become the end game of sympathy, instead of including empathy; seeing what is being expressed as relationships, understanding how what we resonate is simply ideas about relationships, and to realize within this, that what is real, is myself being here, moving in real time here, because this is where I am, this is where I am living a real performance. I also realize how I can sense the smallest of movements, as the very subtle deeds I move as, within myself, as my resistances show my accepted and allowed practices, which are relationships I direct as belief, because I have not practiced being grounded here, in real time, seeing the real relationship that is here, as my living , and present relationship. My resonance can show me, where I am out of synch with reality. 

Another way to look is to realize what focal and vocal distractions as ideas, beliefs and opinions, resonant within, from past relationships, one is allowing to define who and what one is, and to realize the small movements that build the overall resonance, and the correct small movements that ground one back into being present in this reality. What the media and school systems show is, is a story of information, an equation of order, one that can come to define us, if we allow it. Also, that no one can clean up the resonance of what we have allowed, as believed, but the self. It does not matter if it is someone else's ‘ default system’ as one not understanding how this all works, because projecting onto the ‘ fault’ as a lack of understanding this, is not the action of correction. Only the self can do this, and since we are all doing this, there is only self forgiveness and self correction. That resonance can be read, one can learn to call the movements out by name, thereby taking away the power of the default, and reframing the movement, into respecting this reality, as there is only here, which is how it should be. Another way to say that, is to ask, what came first, the chicken or the egg? 

Thus, over all, I have to realize what I have mathematically accepted and allowed, as a movement as me, and to cross reference this real world around me, to practice being present here, recognizing what I have come to believe, as be comfortable with, as the very movement of me, expressing accepted relationships, and slow down, breath, ground myself and call out by name, the math of me, and recall as the very sound of me, a living relationship to what is here, as the physical, to equalize myself, or to get in synch with here, the actual physical. I can recognize when I am rejecting- what I am resonanting, by movement of blaming things around me for not being what I resonate, and become equal and one to the resonance of life here. And, within this, to realize that this same thing is happening all around me, because, overall this is not understood. 

Even as that small child, I had become a resonance of belief, or allowed a resonance of belief, that I needed attention from my father. On some level, I separated myself into a resonate idea, as a math, and did not pay attention to my surroundings, believing that there was a more, when I already was the means, as being present here, which is the real ‘ more’ of and as me, as being present and in synch with what was real, as the physical symbols, as life in a living relationship, working together in ways that are more symbiotic, and of an interaction that is respectful of all things, choosing what supports no matter what.

When I find myself resisting, I have to stop, slow down and breath. When I find my physical body ‘ stepping back’ or tensing up, or constricting, I have to slow down and look at what I resist, because what I resist persists a resonance of the same manner. Here, I have to breath to see that resonance, and to correct the mis-take, or the state of measure/being I have practiced and to begin to change that to the extent that I become a master of myself.  Naturally, this will take time, the time it takes for the body to regenerate cells. Yet, just as in practicing an instrument, a careful practice of this gains momentum, and my ability to change the resonance of me, will grow. It would be like being able to switch from playing a renaissance piece, and the suddenly a early modern piece of music. Which is interesting, because I remember asking myself how I could become more fluid within changing myself within the practice of music. I never thought of living this as the instrument of me, as a physical body, sounding things out, as the very words I speak, sensing this world, and the world of a more emotional memory, as opposed to a more superior, or fluid memory, as that presence within and as me as life. How could I be so blind, and why was I not taught this from the beginning? 

In all this is why knowing one’s words is so important, as words are a means of calling things out by name, and placing the math in synch with reality. Only practicing words in a closed context, as the vocal and non-direct application in real living space, as building relationships of words into practical reality, is a one sided practice.  One must practice spelling the word, and practice generating the sound, and practice a relationship with the word directly with reality- something that cannot be done in school alone, or learned via the media alone, one must, as the self, just like practicing the violin, or a sport, actually practice the sounds, to build, or retain, a natural spatial ability to reality in relation to what one generates as the words that reflect relationships in this world, as words are never the real thing, they are a muse, so-to-speak. 

This also is the practice of building a relationship with what is here, understanding one’s own resonance- which can change, and doing the math of reality, the systems and one another.  No one can do this but the self. In another way, it is to say that the real means without, is to go within. It is to say that humans are the perfect machines to ‘ do the math’ of existence in real time. Being this real focus in real time instead of a mind consciousness of separation. The place of most happiness, because humans are happy when they are capable of real focus,  and unhappy when they are lost in a dissonant resonance, that is not effective in substantive self direction, is being focused here.  When our neighbor is self directive in practical real time, it helps us, as the body of the overall machine, must synchronize to life, the physical. 


Enjoy and practice the smallest of things, as they are the means to understand the larger forms as the physical around us. Learn to spell and speak you words, build direct relationships with the words, to living reality, understand how the body resonates a math of one’s exposure, opportunity and belief systems.  Breathe, slow down, write it out, and call things out by name, forgive yourself to the small, the practical, the here, build a lasting relationship to this reality. The tools are here, to help, yet no one can do this for the self but the self. The way out is to rebuild the within.  We are the perfect machines to be and do this. Blame is really a resistance to change.  In another way, blame is a form of revenge for one’s resonant seed of information, or ego. It is the self showing the self, where one is not being responsible and/or how we inform ourselves. Thus, my blame, is myself not standing as solution or self actualization. I must look to the small, the singular event that was a repeated action, that created a time-line, that rolled up into a resonant seed and came to manifest as a seeming ' dissonance' to reality around me, as the interactive relationships to all things around me. No one can correct this humpty-dumpty scattered and fractionalized  resonant-in-the-cells-event horizon I allowed to become seeded in myself but me. I would have it no other way, as this is an opportunity to become equal and one to who and what I am, the potential of me, as life.

There is, although seemingly counter because of a resonance unacknowledged, GREAT JOY in mastering the small.  It is the means of self empowerment and the full engagement of all the senses, it is the inherent potential of the human being. It is right in front of us. It is time to take this back, to remember this to ourselves. The way out, is the way in. 



Sunday, February 12, 2017

E-motional memory verses Superior memory. Day 742

Emotional memory verses superior memory.

What is an emotional memory? It is a memory that moves by association, a scattered self, building stories to avoid looking directly here, and choosing to self direct in effective and  practical ways. It is a memory that is a mis-use of the imagination. It is a memory of value judgements instead of moving in a direct application of practical steps, something that demands a presence in the physical and practical reality. It is a memory of memorized information, without real mastery of the subject, as the story memorized becomes greater, as the focus of the ability to sense,  than what is real as the physical. It is believing that the numbers and words and pictures falling down the screen of one’s mind is more real than the wall of the mind composed of atoms and electrons and the forms therefrom formed as that physical symbiotic system as the physical.  

An emotional memory is an inferior memory, one that cannot remember what happened yesterday, or the day before and has no real insight into tomorrow. It is a metaphysical shadow, invisible yet telling in the words and focus and movements of the machine called the human physical body, as that body loses the gentleness and grace of movement so visible in children, those children before 7 years of age, or sooner because this emotional memory has become an elephant in the room in so many, and the children absorb it so readily, that some could say the law of compounding has reached a critical mass, and that mass is so large, children are being inundated at an earlier age. Children are the poorest on earth, they have no way to escape as the adults believe in their inferior emotional memory, the ONLY thing made real, more than the ability to be practical. Being practical builds a more superior memory.  

A superior memory, has a living creative and critical thinking ability.  The emotional memory loses spatial ability over the life time of the person, so visible in no longer being able to drive a car, as driving the car becomes difficult because the loss of focus ability in real space and time, has  become lost in a emotional directive as the self following an emotional memory of ideas, beliefs and opinions, polarized value judgements that is the manifestation of a lack of real self  responsibility. 

 An emotional memory cannot see that real story, as it is lost in the manipulations of self interest. An emotional memory,  cannot see consequence in space and time, as the present systems moving on the world stage. An emotional memory cannot see that the paper religions are the means of abdication of self responsibility. Paper religions say one must ask some invisible force for forgiveness, because the emotional memory is so lost in itself, as its own accepted and allowed construction, that it lives in a story of information that reflects the denial of the real self. 

 An emotional memory made huge, projected out onto the world lives in constant anxiety, and avoids what may reveal the self interest of a composed shadow world of denial of the practical, the physical. If anything, an emotional memory denies and denigrates the physical, that which is in plain sight. An emotional memory driven person has a harder time keeping their house in  order, has a harder time overseeing a reconstruction job- something that was not so difficult at one time. An emotional memory driven person, has a harder time with relationships, as the stories of information creating metaphysical stories that have nothing to do with the practical that sound more spite and blame than anything else, are a spin of information much like the story of Humpty Dumpty, a shattered and dispersed collective of bits of events constantly weaving and forming to only continually substantiate a logic of rejecting self responsibility, a kind of perpetual motion separate from reality. The outcome, a loss of real spatial ability. It becomes a memory that consumes and no longer sees the real horizon, and will choose to watch cheap entertainment instead of looking at what is real and moving and forming on the world stage, and with the trees right outside one’s door. 

This begs the question as to what is a superior memory?

A superior memory most probably does not exist. A superior memory would be a focus in the practical reality, respecting all things, from the smallest to the largest. A superior memory would be aware of the movements of what composes this world in the immediate and the distant. A superior memory would see, for instance, that the religion of Islam, is a newer religion, and would look to see why this was formed within the context of the whole.  One could also do this with the formation of Christianity, where a man came and said god is within, at a time when there was a movement from polytheism into monotheism. It was the message that the qualities given to existing within many gods outside of us, were to become living words, as one could stand equal to the qualities projected and begged for and yet not seen to be the capacity of each, as the composition of the practical, as the living physical reality. Instead, the qualities of things that are here, as the physical, were self denied and a belief that there was a god that gave and took away the ability to be aware of the states of being as qualities one could become and understand and stand with to focus on the living reality were denied by the self, again, and made into a belief that such was given, and thus, this is a religion of fear, a paper religion because it exists only as the words of men, made into an emotional memory. 

Today we could say we have a god of science. A god that supposedly has done all the research and therefor no more questions need to be asked because the science is done ( and we have been behaviorally programmed to follow ONLY- without question - practiced in the design of public school education, consuming years of development) . And that science does not need to be reviewed and checked. This in itself a body of emotional memories in fear of losing their jobs, as the self interest in survival is greater than what is best for all men, this a continuation of denying self and living outside of real capacity as a superior memory.  We are moving into a chemical god , that is a chimeric god of information, a limited story serving the belief that we cannot know, and continuing the imposition of ideas, beliefs and opinions that we cannot be responsible, when we have been told that god is within, as life, manifest as the practical and physical world, hidden in plain sight, where the answer is to become the living word, to respect the immediate and be aware of the distant, to cross reference the real and very practical physical world, to understand the qualities of this world and to work with them in ways that do no harm and to practice standing equal and one with them. Even the educational understanding of accelerated learning techniques tell the way to building a superior memory. To use the senses, to cross reference the immediate and the distant, to build relationships with words have a direct application to this living reality that surrounds us, that is us.  

One could say that our cultures are our past, that we cling to (the information not all bad) instead of reforming into new ways of doing things that support and value all life. One could realize that our banking system is a private club manipulating economically to bring forward systems of control, in the offerings of what avenues are allowed to structure our lives, as we are not being responsible on an individual level, choosing survival over what is best for all.   An emotional memory is a memory at war with common sense, the systems merely a representation of control of each at war with being in common sense and respect of the physical. The loss of spatial ability a mirror of an emotional memory. An emotional memory being a inferior memory, and the resistance towards being one’s self in one’s real capacity, which is to exist as a superior memory.  A superior memory being the ability to see directly here, to make the only choice available, the choice to investigate, assess, review, cross reference, here, the physical to move in ways that do no harm, that consider all things, that realize and live in presence, in body, in spirit, in focus of and as what is best for all.

A superior memory sees, realizes and understands that the paper castles of men as the words composing the systems , holding them in place to control a lack of self responsibility because of the acceptance of an emotional memory ONLY -  a smoke and mirrors show - a form of limitation, causing a war of polarizing bodies of contrasting lie-by-omission storied tales that are but a wall of numbers and letters falling all around us as the media ( amazing how our popular culture reflects what we do!) , and the voices of an emotional memory informing us as persona’s thereof, distracting us from seeing directly here and accepting a natural capacity to be and live a superior memory.  All of this is rejection of real capacity and a default system of acceptance of the suppression of self, that feels like a depression because a rejection of self is a form of depression that leads to behaviors of anxiety, fear, denial and eventual physical dis-ease. I mean what did one think the story of Plato’s wall was about?  What did one think the presence of becoming ‘ the living word’ was about? What did one think one’s loss of spatial ability is? What does one think self forgiveness is about? 

Ask yourself; " How is a house built but in practical ways and means? " Time to take back self as life, and live in the physical reality as being life information. Focus here, forgive an emotional memory and build a superior memory. Become present here, take back a direct focus,  the tools are here, they are simple, effective and move piece by piece, a walk into life. Become the potential you are meant to be.