Sunday, December 30, 2012

Day 245 A projection from the past.

I was sitting in a passenger seat of a car today, watching the driver when suddenly it was as though I was a child watching my father drive, and this positive feeling rushed through me, life, “WOW” my dad is so cool, he can move the stick shift and move the pedals and drive this car, he is so cool, how does he do that? This car is so big and, wow, look at him driving the CAR!, He is amazing!” I stopped. It was like I am sitting there and suddenly this feeling thing and memory “film” thing is there. Since I am walking the desteni process, I realized that this happy feeling was from this past memory, imposed onto what was here and real, this physical world.
I also thought, if I did not have this, and I did not catch this, Would I have imposed this onto that moment, and associated this past even with that moment, and thus, not even realize that moment for what it was? Would I have then said to someone when I justified a choice made in relation to who and what was involved in that moment as “ I have a feeling”, or “ I just know this, because I know, because I have a strong FEELING about this”?
So, here i am projecting this “feeling” and I catch the memory there in that moment from my childhood as a moment of believing my parent to be some big magical being able to drive a car in relation to me being a child, feeling small and unable, and the residual feeling memory, as the projection being this “wow” moment, where what is behind this is obviously myself., as a small child, measuring myself to an adult, actually judging myself as incapable.
But this is how the mind works, how the energetic feelings and emotions work attached to the memory as the moment within a judgement, which is the “good’ and the “bad” judgment. The good being the other end of the spectrum of energy, as both feeling and emotion are energy and not self here, equal and one to and as the physical as the substance of life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have judged myself as less than the person driving the car that I was in.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have believed myself to be less than the person driving the car that i was in.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that at that moment in the car, I was feeling sorry, or worried about myself in some way, and thus a memory came up of same situation, where i was believing myself to be incapable, as I was a child in the memory, as I looked up and over to my father driving a car, and allowing myself to go into a state of awe in my father’s ability to drive a car, where I judged my father as this god-like figure able to drive a big scary car.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I was a child, and even if I were capable of driving a car, I was not big enough to see out the windshield, thus to compare myself to my father driving the car was of no common sense awareness of the physical world at that time, and thus I gave the situation a limited value awareness not seeing realizing and understanding with practical common sense the reality of the moment, and instead imprinted myself with a memory of myself as being less than and my father as being some kind of super hero, and yet I can also see that this attitude was probably developed through the stories and images I had seen on TV , read in books, and picked up within the relationships around me as parents and other adults with whom I had come in contact, all of them existing in and as their minds as consciousness, judging life within limited values not seeing realizing and understanding the mind and how it functions.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand how automatic I have become within and as a mind consciousness system of judgement, of measuring my world according to limited ideas, beliefs and opinions as values in separation from what is actually really here in and as the physical, as within this example, where all I was doing was sitting in the passenger seat of a car, looking at the driver for the moment, and simply nothing else, thus there was no need to make a judgement about this moment, and yet, because i have accepted and allowed a system , as mind, of limited values, as separation , and thus allowing myself to become energy, limited and separate from a sound, here, mind, I have become automatic within and as reacting within and as judgement through comparison and competition, which I project onto the physical reality, which I have no awareness of within the automation of this, unless I stop and I breath, and I learn to understand myself as the mind, as judgment as more than and less than, as belief, opinion and idea, based on the MO, the method of operation within a survival based system within the society, class, nationality, economic situation, race, culture in which I live, and that i am a collection of beliefs carried and developed through generations of same acceptances and allowances as mind, as separation from what is real as the substance of the physical, and thus have I learned to live in an alternate judgmental reality in separation from being here, equal and one to and as the substance as life, as the physical, creating an outcome of reaction instead of an action of equality to and as life, in self direction, and thus full potential of myself as life, here.

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that memories that come up in normal everyday situations where a feeling or an emotion seem to suddenly possess me I stop and I breath, and I realize that I am existing within as a judgement based on the past as a “more than and a less than” in relation to what is actually physically here in the moment.
I commit myself to slowing myself down in and as breath, to remain equal and one with and as the physical here, where should emotions and feelings come I realize that they are not what i am here in this moment unless I accept and allow them, and that what they essentially reveal , is myself within and as self judgement based on a want, desire and need of limited values as what was taught within a system of competition to survive creating a behavior of incessant comparison, all in separation from realizing equality and oneness and what I am as life as what this earth is, here.
I commit myself to, when and as I have an emotion or feeling, I stop and I breath, and I realize what triggered the memory I am projecting onto my environment, and as what I am allowing myself to be , here, to see realize and understand the thought within and as comparison and thus fear of loss, to bring myself back here, equal and one , with and as what is real, the physical.
I commit myself to realize that the initial emotion of feeling less than, my father, was made from a child’s viewpoint, where there was no physical reason to judge myself as being incapable, or less than , in any way, within driving a car, as I simply was not physically big enough to drive a car.
I commit myself to not allow myself to turn another person into a super hero and instead to use my common sense, and realize how this physical world works in common sense, as within this situation as this memory of myself as a child, my father was simply large enough to drive a car, and had practiced the mechanisms of driving a car and thus was able within the nature of his size, and the practice with the apparatus of the car, able to drive the car, and had I been taught in such a way as a child, learning to understand the physical world, a judgement of an adult driving a car would not have been turned into this person being some “more awesome”, meaning super hero seeming fantastic idea, which is to not judge a person as less than, but to realize practical reality as being life, where life is what is special in each and every one of us, as life is the gift.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Day 244 Christmas Past

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become overwhelmed with the whole Christmas holiday.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel ashamed that I did not have enough money in my life to buy really expensive presents for all my siblings and my children
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself as being less than within gift giving, and to make another more than myself according to what kinds of gifts were bought.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to make the value of money greater than myself as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to search out impressive finds in thrift stores and flea markets, to impress and thus turn myself into a more than as being thrifty and sophisticated and able to find things of supposed value instead of walking into the mall and buying some decorative item from a big name shop.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to make comments about my older sister’s lack of gift giving and to have made myself seem more than, within myself giving to others and not only myself, as though I was more generous than my sister, which made my sister less than in her giving, as I judged her giving as being in self interest only, which in a way was more in the true spirit of consumerism, as I pretended to being good through gift giving.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become anxious pre-Christmas day in preparation of gift purchasing , where I had to face traffic and crowded stores and finding things for others, where the whole process seemed more of an ordeal than actual joy within and as giving, where I did not stop and look at what I was actually doing, as I agreed with what was presented by the present culture without questioning, or if I did question, I feared the repercussions should I not participate, thus I allowed the potentialjudgement of others to determine my actions.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have not seen realized and understood the undercurrent of despair and gloom I have felt these last days, during this season, as for years the same pressures were lived and thus within this I did not realize the resonance of the past present within and as my physical behavior, and the fears I was living, the anxiety as many past memories were coming up and all i could do was breath and try and remain stable without participating within and as this.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have seen realized and understood that in the last two weeks I have had thoughts about my dead husband and that second Christmas after his death, where I dragged myself through Christmas, I felt so heavy and sad, I could not figure out what Christmas was about, and felt like it was all some kind of a dream that made no sense to me, as it seemed there was some kind of hole, as though something was out of wack - so to speak, where even the lights in the rooms seemed heavy and weird to me, to the point where i remember thinking how am I going to make it through this?
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how difficult it has been to read in these last days, where i have had to slow way down and read things very slowly, as though it is really hard to concentrate on things, on words, like they just seem to swim by and I cannot take them in, which is a lot like how I felt during the second Christmas after my husband’s death, where - now come to think of it- I actually have caught myself thinking of my husband a lot suddenly, of late.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I started to question everything, even within the university course I was in after my husband’s death, as I had decided when i was trying to help M, when I told him that he had to be himself, that after he died I stopped one day and said to myself that i had to be what i had told him he had to be, that I had to become this and I knew that this was going to be really fucking hard and that I had no idea how I was going to do this, and I suppose what is bothering me now is that I feel like I am failing in this, even though i also know I can’t do this for him, that I can only do this for myself, but when I said this to myself, I knew it was not going to be easy. to actually be myself- but it had to be shown and it seems too daunting at this moment, because i have not done what I said to myself I had to do, and this Christmas time, and this memory, is like how I felt, as what my physical self is and feels like now, like I walk in a world of molasses, like nothing makes any sense as I am allowing myself to become confused within a habit of non-looking, which causes confusion and thus a physical sensation of being stagnant and stuck.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become less than being myself here, in and as a belief that I am less than myself as life, as what i was saying to M was that he was less than life, even though I did say to him that he was gentle and that this was a strength, and that he had to prove nothing, and that his mother’s personality was such that it matched more with his brother but that this did not mean he was less than his brother.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I could see in some limited way what was happening within the relationships within M’s family, yet I did not understand the extent to which such things compounded resonantly, and thus even though in some “intellectual way” this could be somewhat understood the consequences of thought as self judgement were not realized, and that perhaps going to a mental health expert would have benefitted M, yet I did not trust psychiatry, as I grew up within the summer vacation land of the New York Jewish Psychiatrist, and all the children of these so called professionals were so messed up to the point where they had nasty behaviors of stuffing whole roles of toilet paper into a toilet, clogging the toilet, I mean really, which if looked at, perhaps such mental health experts were more productive with patients than family.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand within this experience of myself not having caught onto how I in these last days was existing as within and as past experiences as memory, of judgement within a belief in loss and aloneness, and sudden life change, that the grief I was within and as this, within not understanding what I am as a mind consciousness system, where energetic resonances of past grief in and as a belief of loss, remain within and as me, possessing me, as this is a past without understanding and equalizing to and as life, and thus this remains, where the whole christmas scenario triggers the past, specifically with an image of myself looking at a christmas tree, and the thoughts have come up in the last few days, which is how the mind works in tandem with accepted and allowed beliefs about life that are limited and unaware of the totality of of how the mind/physical relationship functions here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that “down or up” moods are energetic experiences of the past as mis-understanding of self as life, of self being equal and one to and as life, thus is self forgiveness and investigation of belief, opinion and idea necessary to lighten self of accumulated past experiences of limited insight which creates judgements ignorant of self as life, as this limited insight is what is propagated within the present profit based system of inequality, where what we are inwardly as manifested this existence of inequality to and as life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have seen realized and understood, as the weight of this seemed to creep up slowly, that I had an undercurrent of Christmases past, just like the story of Scrooge, where the Christmases past were catching up and creating consequences for the future unless Scrooge changed, made a change, where this is a story of the effects of behavior as belief in time, and yet it is a shame that this is not used within the context of all life, where what exists in earth as what exists within extreme lack and denial as what is needed as life, is not looked at and realized within all life, and not only placed into a story about one man, which is to say the story of Scrooge is the story of all on earth, of how all on earth has been treated, and thus does the human need to look at all consequences of actions of ignorance of what is the value as life, as all life here, and stop and start to support all life, or the consequences are one and the same as the potential of Scrooge/capitalism unless he changes his ways and realizes the value is life, thus are the answers here, and have always been here, it is only the possession and obsession within and as self interest within survival, as fear of death within ignoring the value being life that has caused a denial of the right to life, where denial of life to one thing on this earth is to deny self life, which means separation into an idea as being something greater than life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel sad that I had to have a Christmas alone without a husband.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel overwhelmed with emotion and feeling from a past of believing myself to be less than because i judged my Christmas Holiday as lacking meaning because I was alone, where it really seemed as though none of it made any sense.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize in detail the senselessness of Christmas, where I actually was having the same response i had when I stood in front of Mr, Jordace offering a teenage girl a bowl of coke to snort, where i became angry and emotional and had a scene in my head of wanting to smash that bowl of coke on that fancy glass table in that high-rise apartment, so, come to think of it, this is not too different within how i felt that second Christmas after the death of my husband, where the whole scene seemed a charade to me, and I was sad, yet I did not know how to put all this together, just as I did not quite know how to put it all together when an old rich industrialist was trying to buy a teenager with stimulating and addicting drugs.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have felt sad within and idea that Christmas would never be the same without my husband.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have felt physically heavy and sad around Christmas, with all the gift giving competition and judgement, within self interest and ego, to punish myself as having less value within and as the shocks as belief that another was somehow more than myself within what gifts were given.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand all these egotistical emotions within and as judging myself as less than and more than, within comparison and competition, as separation, creating friction and conflict within competing limited values maintaining ideas with self determination within self interest which fears change and transformation having based self on singular values rejecting self as life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that what was happening at Christmas after the death of my husband was similar to what i experienced within the modeling industry, where life was ignored in favor of ideas as personifications as image in separation from life.

When and as I find myself slowing down and physically becoming heavy where i find I have a hard time reading what is here, within words and behaviors of others, and the existential conditions as consequences seem non sensical, and I want to react in anger, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that I am participating within ignorance of life, and that within this I am allowing myself to become confused.
When and as I find myself no longer being able to move here, to read what is here, as I become more irritable and angry, which is fearful, I stop and I breath, and I realize i have accepted and allowed a behavior of not looking - a habit, of not seeing, as I fear being judged and punished, called names and criticized, thus within this I stop and I breath, and I realize that what is here is more of the same as the fear I am allowing and accepting as being an answer to this fear through the acceptance of ignorance within the behaviors of humanity as the celebratory occasions idolizing a positive alternate reality, creating some weird and warped imaginary submissive world to escape this actual physical world, be it a holiday celebration or an escape into sex.
When and as i find myself becoming lethargic and slow, meaning overwhelmed within and as my world , I stop and I breath and I look to what is physically real, as much as i am able, to realize the happy face existence is a band aid to cover the self hurt within separation from myself as life, here.
When and as I find myself becoming heavy within my movements as processing here, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that resonant memories of survival within family first/ before life and all the competitions existent within for attention/survival, creating friction and conflict , ignorance and supposed bliss in a here -after make believe world, I stop and i breath and I realize, see and understand that what i fear is being myself as life, here.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Day 243 What is being "irritation"?

What is “being” irritation?
Irritation is a response of no movement, of no ease, of conflict. A “stop”. A loss of breath. An “ I don’t know where to go”, or a “I can’t move”, and/or “ I can no longer see what is here.”
Auditioning comes up for me. I specifically remember auditioning for a group, and immediately, as I walked in the room and began to play, I could not play; what had been so easy at another audition was tense and unmoving within this one. I must have been about 17, maybe 16.
I remember this so well - or so I believe, because I have questioned it for years- in other words sought answers. I remember standing there, being distant, and I remember the manner and ways of the jurors. Even this brings up recently going for interviews for jobs, and I went to many, as I had the perfect paper work, but the minute I walked through the door and across the room towards the interviewer, the reaction and judgement was already set - or so I believed.
Someone told me it was reverse snobbery, as where I live and the field I entered had the local regional accent, and this profession was filled with this: I lacked this accent.
It was not so with all interviews. There were two that wanted to hire me, but it was far away and I choose the stability of where I am for the children. Right or wrong, it’s done, I can only move from here.
My manner and words, did not fit, were not easy and comfortable for the person interviewing me. And, as with this audition, I can remember walking in and shutting down, even within being nervous, as I had been nervous about auditions and not clamped up when the time came. But this is part of being a player, in no matter what situation, the playing had to be constant, and I was not. So, no matter what I deserved what I got.
I also had to learn to read scores, orchestral scores and play them on the piano, I practiced this a lot, and sometimes it began to move. I knew I would be nervous, so I practiced to move within this nervousness. I didn’t make it, when I sat down for the test at the piano, I froze, couldn’t see the orchestral score, and thus could not play the score on the piano. For some reason I passed the class, and to this day I do not know why. I really did not deserve this, even though I had practiced it a lot. When performance time came I froze.
I think it was a little while after this that I just stopped one day and said I was so fucking sick and tired of being this fear that I forced myself to play openly more. I went to recitals at other schools and I watched, I watched the focus, to imitate it, my thinking was, how the hell is this done, it was like I wanted to see how it was done, because I thought, this can be done, so it is here.
I stumbled a lot over the years, but slowly the devil of fear began to be controlled. But there are other factors, a husband dying, when the music world was beginning to open up - after my children had reached an age of greater autonomy and I had stepped back into the field more, where I made the choice to return to my country of origin because being away at night and hiring help seemed too difficult, this after the death of my husband.
I remember one of the last gigs I played, the certainty within playing was a joy. Even the conductor came to my home to support me within the death of my husband. And conductors do not do that unless they gain something. Part of me was going, on the inside, fuck, should I stay or should I go.
On another front, in another facade, there was a residual doubt from the past within ability, but even here the lifestyle seemed too uncertain and difficult being a single mom.
The undercurrent of self judgement, the “state” of separation, the cause of not being present. The fear made bigger, as a judgement of loss and or gain, where the loss is hidden through attempting to make the choice a beautiful outcome. Self justification. Self interest.
Would learning to see the blueprint of the mind, and thus making this blueprint of fear smaller, where the parts were seen for what they are, prevent such happenings, as not being able to direct self within communication with others? Within practical understanding of the emotional/feeling alignments connecting, as system of compounded value judgements within culture, class, gender, age, race, regional accent, style as taught within generational back ground and world exposure to varying stylistic mannerisms regionally being made into values of more than and less than, a bling of presentation, be what is energetically valued instead of common sense in and as words within a clear detailed directive, concise and simple, without endless chattering embellishments of happy face drama, going on and on and on without really saying anything? And imagine this being what is used, by many that are simply the gargoyles of the gate, a facade of talk about how a-mazing this is and how amazing that is, on and on and on, in a way, slowing things down, creating a giant HallMark moment, where the initial task is all but forgotten. Interesting that the term is “ Hall Mark” moment. Building the defense/protection wall, as a hall, as a layer, confining the initial directive. No one gets through here, is really what the happy face, “ let’s talk about how amazing and wonderful everything is,” is about. Programmed behavior to move within the maze that is the system of inequality, stepping up a ladder of relationships to survive, ignoring the view as life, not working with the substance supporting the maze.

I remember sitting in an office, waiting for an interview. The secretary, and another visiter - a young girl who had just finished her education degree- were talking about how wonderful the children were, how wonderful the teachers were, on and on and on. And the girl visiter interspersed things she had experienced within getting her degree. So, I perked up and joined in - to see what would happen - and within my conversation I named dropped etc. - I wanted to interrupt the pattern, because honestly, I felt like I was listening to a Liszt piece, the same phrase, over and over again, the same embellishments again and again, like the verbal diarrhea was extremely tasteful, and comforting. I guess this is how the game is played, happy face your way to the bank.
It is like a torture session. And in some way, this emotional happy face “water torture” must be used and not be of self as what self is, as being within the system but not of the system. THis point of realizing it is just water/energy in and as no substance ( and this is within the context of water being a symbol of emotion as what i have been taught). In many ways it is like being able to read an orchestral score and playing the parts all at once, as in seeing the blueprint of the mind, and how this can be a directive, when, it is to see this as a maze, as a display of parts from the totality as the substance of life, as the nothing, rendering this irritation, as energy, as judgement, small, so that the score is readable, and thus renderable to and towards what is best for all, as the embellishment is not good or bad, it simply needs direction within what is best for all.
Thus, there is nothing to fear within this, as the physical is here, as life, showing the way to what works absolutely through form and function, and the vertigo in the chest need not be the directive as it is only a score of the present system which can be flooded with common sense as the principle of what is best for all to prevent the separation from self as life.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Day 242 A reaction of irritation

I experienced reactive behavior today towards the presentation of something.
I become frustrated and irritated, not as reactive as I have been in the past within such circumstances, but still, it was there, - an angry irritation.
I realize that my irritation is one and the same as the reaction, emotion made bigger than what is actually here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become irritated, into and as a state of ire, which is myself becoming fear and anger, as reaction within and as myself not being understood, where this emotion has no solution, and all that I can do is walk into understanding the separation from what is real here, as emotions based on judgements of what is more and what is less, specifically within judgements in presentation, not seeing realizing and understanding that stopping and looking to what is here, as the whole of what is here, is not a customary practice as the human has existed within the mind as consciousness, as energy, and thus within and as breath I stop and look at the details of what is here as the physical through this mirage of emotion that appears seemingly impossible, a habit of separation from what is real as the physical, to realize the depths of such behaviors and begin to correct them within and without.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that my irritation is myself within becoming an energetic reaction, in self interest, based on an idea, and a moral code, as the habit of consciousness.

When and as I find myself becoming irritated, I stop and I slow myself way down, in and as breath, as I realize within becoming emotional I will have no effect as I become a judge when conversation or words spoken do not meet my expectations as this is a desire to win, reflecting a feeling, as a fear, of loss.

When and as I find myself becoming irritated I stop and I breath, and I forgive my emotions and feelings of self interest, and I investigate what physically exits and practically walk what is best for all, to give as I would like to receive, to support life, here, as this is the value.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Day 241 Consequence Dimension : Victim Chaaracter

Consequences Dimension : Victim Character
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the consequences of my separation into and as more than and less than, as emotions and feelings following an image of myself no longer being a relationship of togetherness with my friend, as the image of myself standing separate from the object of my friend, as though I have been divided into a part with the loss of my friend, as I stand before a friend sitting with a new group of friends in/as a reaction of myself believing something has been lost, as emotional judgements of less than intensifying to a judgement of more than, are myself in separation from what is real as the physical.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to simply see, realize and understand with the movement of the physical world around me, what in fact was reality, where my friend was maturing into a woman and was moving towards girls moving through the same experience, where within this had I looked at the structure, as the form of society within the divisions into and as groups and the beliefs of what is of greater and lesser value as behavior within and as class, and gender, as what - especially at this young age, what appears to gather more attention, more bling, more following, more excitement, more security within and as a group, which the childhood relationship that I had had with my friend appeared small and insignificant within the larger school as we had moved from town organized elementary school into regional middle schools, and within this I took this change personally, clinging to a past and not looking to the whole, and, also, within this, instead of existing as emotions - which are self interested movements of myself as illusion, as judgement, seeing only that something was lost, and probably being aware of the changes going on developmentally around me, I felt lost as I was not developing in this way at the time, thus I was only seeing what was being made huge, as the forming groups in middle school, where even those that realize the changes tended to not want to be with what was not cool as this was all that was seen, and within this rejected others of like status as the only status seen, a behavior that fit into what is made of more import than life within the media and family, which is to say that these qualities do not exist but that this is not all that exists, as there are many values, as qualities existent within men and this earth, thus to ignore some and make others huge, denies life, and creates a mono of the poly, as style, mannerisms, presentations as assumptions without practical sustainability or consideration of what is supportive of all life in and as the physical world.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how becoming a victim within this supposed loss, was myself clinging to an idea, as what a past relationship existed as, and the context and the construct of a society created by man that has selected ideas and values presented to signify what enables survival within this collectively accepted system of selective and thus limited values as roles/tolls taken on and performed within what will bring more attention, within this context of middle school, where other values are left on the fringes, and as the human child has not been taught to develop themselves as life, and all that is presented is limited values catering to a system of profit, not understanding how the physical and the mind in fact function, in a world that suggests, as presented through media and family values, a system of survival and not a system that respects and works with what is real, this physical world, that which the human is one and equal to, and what it is that supports the human, the physical as this is life, equal and one.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am a victim within this, to not see, realize and understand myself as life, equal and one as the substance as the mass of myself as a physical being, and thus to move myself equal and one as this physical in consideration of being equal as the same substance as the physical as myself as life, that which is the starting point of reality and the gift as life, here.

I commit myself to remaining in and as breath, to stop and recognize value judgements as what i have been taught and the memories of myself as the past being points where I separated from the physical into and as judgement of more than and less than, ignoring how the physical world in fact functions, where I applied myself as energy as judgement of more than and less than, ignoring the physical through allowing limited values to become greater than life, thus was I separate from a self directed principle as myself as life, here.
I commit myself to , breathing, to realizing that the physical is one and equal to and as me, and thus that what is real is what is here within this moment of breath, here.
I commit myself to bringing myself back here, in and as breath.
I commit myself to realize how the judgements I have accepted and allowed, being values of more than and less than, are based on fear of loss within a system of survival, as consequence of an initial separation from being equal and one as life, here, by each and every human, that have become, through habitual being as mind as myself, emotional feeling bodies, which are collections of judgements lived as a directive again and again and again, to within this stop and breath, to bring myself back here equal and one to what is real, the physical.
I commit myself to becoming aware of myself as the physical, to sense when there is a movement of myself, as a sinking down - so to speak- from my head and chest into my lower back, to stop and to breath and to realize what i am doing within my mind that creates this energetic movement within and as myself, to equalize myself to here, and walk as life, equal and one to what is physically here, where life is fluid and not this distinctly oscillating presence, as what fear and anxiety exist as within and as the physical, where - come to think of it- animals don’t do this, where yesterday I experienced an example of this, as I was in a store I frequent, and the woman, as she talked with me, I noticed was shaking really minutely, and from here I noticed her breathing, which was shallow and uneven - so to speak, and so as I payed for my purchase, I noticed her mother was absent, so as I walked out, I stopped and asked her where her mother was, and she said she had been up in the city at the major hospital with her mother, who had been found to have a tumor on her spine, and with this questioning, the store owner, this woman, started to tell the story, all the while continuing to be a behavior of agitation and a shortness of breath, so I explained how her breathing and the absence of her mother had lead me to ask her if everything was okay with her/here, and then I said to her, to slow down and to breath, and to stand up straight, and she did, and the effect was immediate, she slowed down and the agitation diminished, and suddenly, there was like a more fluid movement within and as her, and the look on her face, was of surprise, and she looked at me and said, “ oh my god!”, thank you! ( which was nice!) and she also said that her whole body started to tingle and that she suddenly felt much better, which was cool, but this just goes to show that we as humans, get caught up in our fears to the extent that we separate from ourselves as life, breathing , here, and that we as humans are able, to self realize what we are allowing ourselves to exist as within into and as fear, and how through breath we can slow ourselves down and become more calm and fluid - so to speak, and thus direct ourselves to walk through the consequences we have allowed within existing within separation from what is real, the physical.

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Thursday, December 20, 2012

Day 240 Fear Dimension : Victim Character

Fear Dimension : Victim Character

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become fear, in and as a belief that I had lost something within the changes happening within my friend.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have believed that I was left alone, as I no longer had a friend, someone who was “special” to me and defined me within arelationship as this was in separation from realizing myself equal to all that was within my environment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that such a relationship protected me, where this is really a fuzzy, ambiguous idea, based on judgements of more than and less than, that I was not something or someone unless I had a specific friend to call my own, creating a separation from all the other life existent around me and an ignorance of the form and function in and as the physical world and the changes as transformations existent within life expression, where this is to be enjoyed and understood, realized and moved with to expand in awareness in life in expression as creation, where this is the joy, in common sense.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself in relation to one other person, not seeing realizing and understanding a change in expression, where this change was not something to fear- even within this change being motivated within a system as capitalism, as profit, being limited values directing, but to see, realize and understand that change exists and thus not only can the human change the present system of limited values, as energy, but also, that this system of limited values ignores the total physical world in equality and oneness as this being life, thus it is to walk from the separation from being within as limited values as what manifests energetic insubstantial expression , but also to realign with the actual real, physical world, to expand in awareness of how life, as earth in fact functions, to becoming equal and one with self as life, which can only happen within focusing ourselves HERE, as HERE is where the physical exists, utilizing breath to “read” the physical world as life substance and, let this go - to not cling to in self definition in fear of loss as this is what we are, and to move within this here, equal and one as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to this change, as a loss, believing myself to be victim, as I projected a belief that I was less than, having lost a relationship, where no relationship was lost, as life remained, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have separated myself from life, into and as believing myself to be a victim.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have feared standing without the comfort of a supposed “best friend” where I believed that without a best friend I was somehow lacking.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have feared that I had no value or meaning because I no longer had a best friend.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself in relation to having a best friend , or not having a best friend.

I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that having a “best friend” or not having a best friend does not define myself here, as life, that it is what i am within and as myself in and as being what is best for all, equal and one to life, no matter in whose shoes I walk as what changes take place.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that as life, there is nothing to be lost, as I am one and equal to all that exists, here.
I commit myself, to, see, realize and understand that losing a “best friend” is an illusion, and a separation and division from equality and oneness as all life here on this planet.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that within judgement in and as fear of loss, and belief in being a victim, I am in separation into a mind consciousnesssystem as self interest based on a face value, inconsiderate of myself as life, and thus inconsiderate of life, allowing the beingness of myself into being a polarity in and as energy, as mind, and not equal and one to the actual physical world.
I commit myself to realizing that within this, the spite and anger I then projected onto my friend was a reaction within how I felt within the judgement of having lost something, in this case, my “best friend” where I defined my value within society within this relationship, having separated myself from equality and oneness to all life into a self interested idea of survival as the very structures taught that made singular relationships bigger than what was physically real, relationships that served a system, as a hierarchy of more than and less than to serve profits to a few within the present monetary system through division of people into gender, class, race, nationality, religion, where groups are created as relationships within limited beliefs to maintain division and separation from self as life realizing the value is life, and where this existence of division and separation created the movement of men as a mind consciousness system that divided and presented into limited values, as judgement, creating polarities of more than and less than, as energy- the lack of respect for life being of no real substance- to feed an inter dimensional division as heaven and earth, where the imaginations of the mind are believed to be what is real but are the values of more than and less than cording the sight of men into a limited awareness of what is one and the same as the very substance existent in all life, which is that which supports all life, the very substance of life which can only be here, as a past and a future is composed of memories as judgements of more than and less than - which is separation into and as energy- as then existing within projecting this past onto the future, an act of movement as judgement of more than and less than, within which the human has created a system in the likeness and image of such behavior, as capitalism, which is destructive to the life that is earth, here, as this behavior of separation is in itself an ignorance of what is real which is life, which is this natural physical world. So, just as images of limited values are plastered all over this world via a media built by the hands of men, utilizing freely given resources to do so, with reckless abandon, and no consideration for the life on earth that is not in alignment with the limited values as what is projected by media, so too, does this exist as the mind consciousness of men, as mind, as thought emotions and feeling, where if we all stopped and slowed ourselves down, and remained within and as breath, we would begin to see this “halo” of imagery as mind, of which we blindly follow, as judgement and separation from what is real this actual real, physical world that is life.
I commit myself to see, realize and understand that my emotion of guilt, in having spent time proving myself “ more than my friend” was an outflow of my initial self judgement in and as being less than, which was a continuation of myself existing within separation from myself as life, and the only real loss was myself not standing in stability as myself as life, realizing equality and oneness to what was here, as the physical world, and though the present system is not supporting and valuing what is real, which is life, the movements of my friend was one and the same, as she is me and i am her, a human in separation from life, into limited values of more than and less than within a system of self definition separate from equality and oneness in and as the physical being life.

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