Saturday, May 30, 2020

Day 840 Our #words determine our #focus.

One of the things I notice more this week is the words used. It is something we all know. How often to we cross reference and really check in on how we are using our words, what the words are, the tension of ease or FOCUS as form of the words we speak - each and every little part and movement. Does not a painter practice the lines and measure and color, and shape and movement of a line of paint? And, master that to the point a “ master piece “ is created? Does not a musician practice every subtle movement to the smallest degree to the extent it is in that mastery of that tiniest of movements that suddenly a whole world of possibility in creating a sound opens up? The thing about SOUND, as the words we speak, it is like a physical thing, a musical thing and a visual thing! And the forming of ourselves will be determined by the sounds we make, the silent ones inside us and the ones we allow to focus us, and the ones we speak - as a response to all of this. 

If you are having to THINK about what word to use, because you cannot yet SPELL the words, and have a security in and with the words - because you have never really practiced your words - how are you going to be able to use CARE with your words? Are your words running away with you, in some form of AUTOMATION? We tend to automate what we practice. Thus, if we practiced without real specificity and focus, we become that lack of specificity and focus. Scary but also a great means to an amazing end? Like how we work is specific because it lets us know we are amazing and can master things! Deeply KNOW that, find it, and change your practices. 

We need only look at the media to see how specific what we practice is and does. It is a system of half truths and a lot of drama. We can get so caught up on that, we cannot see the means to the end. It is like we are riding a tide and it has control when we are the essence of that tide, and as such, can determine the tide. When we  realize we are the tide, we rejoice in all the other water molecules that are there with us, expressing creation as a movement of life. It would not appear so if one were caught in the tide. It would appear to be something that is impossible, because that is the nature of being caught in the tide and being in a contrast of loss as forgetting that one is the tide itself. Scattered thinking and a fractionalized focus would cause that perspective. And yet, what is enabling that experience but the physical body one is within, that body that when no longer functioning, removes the ability to be tossed about by the tide. Would being that which moves the tide, as expresses and forms real movement be something that is more eternal ? 

I was chatting with someone this week and within a pause they turned and talked to another person in their space. The immediate response towards that other person was a frame of “ don’t do that.”  That  is an accusative statement, and an end-game statement. It simply shuts things down and leads to a moment of confusion because it is a subtle shock- in a way.  It simply stops things and then one is left hanging. We supposed, or assume so much. Perhaps the person did not know what they were doing, or about to do, and someone caught it. Something like “ watch out” might be better, and less shocking, if it had to be said quickly. “ Watch out” lends itself to “ look here”, or “ watch out for that.” This lends itself to follow through, to a movement that lends a continued generation of expression. The “ don’t do this or that” is a form that suddenly stops things, without any further focus. One is left standing in “ stop.” Of course there are moments when one would use simply “ stop” and then clarify. There are moments when a strong stop is necessary. I would imagine they are not too often. 

I have studied with someone who had mastered something. One of the things I learned and experienced, was when they said something of few words, and they were so clear a whole world opened up.  I want to say that I as the listener had also done my own work. It is that self generation to the extent there is self momentum when meeting someone who has mastered something that one is working on mastering, that master has a really clear intent, or inner “ knowing” from experience. It is like the key of me, and the key of them, meet. 

The same thing happens with emotional/feeling bodies, or value judgement self definitions that are protections from real mastery of self, or that which limits self responsibility in becoming a master with clear intent.  In the reverse, we play memory match, we seek those who have the same self sabotage system of holding onto emotional experiences that have not been cleared, which we master and comes to direct us, so we seek another human who has that same signature - we are riding a wave of ideas and opinions and beliefs, we are absent from being present and being the wave itself. This can be heard in the very sounds made and the words chosen. It is like playing at half mast. The quality of the sound is diminished, it has a muffled sound to it. And it is subtle. Perhaps not too subtle. It is just that it has become so normalized that the difference is ignored. It is like we are fish acclimated to polluted water and we believe that is how it is because that is all we have ever known. Imagine that fish when it suddenly meets clear, pristine and pure water? it will wonder how it ever believed the other could ever have existed. 

It is the same within realizing that poverty and starvation should not exist. In tandem with realizing how one is as the words one speaks, as one’s VOCAbulary, should one really begin to work on every sound coming from their body - even the ones that are silent within, or cannot be heard by others as we assume - should one begin to rebuild them and really know them the difference is similar to the experience of that polluted water and that pure water. One will begin to wonder how one ever could have assumed that dirty water was normal. 

Is it possible to realize that the media news flow today is very polluted? Imagine what a “ clean” media would be and do, the potential for such as that to support what is best? What if we heard the living natural world more, that which is around us? 

The quality of “ hey, look at this and look at that” with a smile is very very different than a “ don’t do that!” or a “ don’t do this!” with no explanation of correction, or a correction filled with contempt and frustration and impatience. The difference would create two very different people, or adults in this reality. Most of those with success have more of the first and less of the second. This is known in the research into language development. Neurons that fire together wire together.  Forming these responses and expressions with the body will determine the very slant of your eye, or the pressure in your back, or the pain in your legs. One fits into creation and the other does not.  We have simply suppressed looking and mastered that ignoring of how this all works. It is, overall, a crime against life to ignore life. It is an abdication of self as life.  What do we think this would do to our health? 

The irony is that it is so much more fun to be able to be the creator, to be in clear waters, to lend direction because in so doing we are in discovery mode, we are in awe, we are in connection. The difference is being in a murky shadow and being in clear air. One breeds more fear and apprehension and the other breeds more clarity and presence. 

I realize the moment I go into confusion, I am no longer clear. A lot of my confusion causes me to become more apprehensive and then I make things up to hide the difference. Then I tend to avoid some to seek out those with whom I do not feel the threat of looking at the confusion I have not YET resolved, and that has become a program from repeated practice. As has been said, it takes more time to correct something than to have done it correctly from the start. I had to learn this from playing the violin, because in this world, at least with something like that, it becomes obvious very quickly because the demand to self generate in the medium does not allow one to hide. If one does not play, one cannot move forward. The medium does not allow a pause in time. It simply must be done. If one does not do it, others in the medium are left standing. And, one can very easily be replaced. 

The difference within using words happened this week. I talked with someone that had a nice resume. When I met with them, their English was not very good. They knew this too and did explain the difference. What I noticed, is my own entrenched “ politeness.” I was “ thinking “ this when the person explained that difference. They had studied English in a school in a foreign country and could write it, but speaking it was another thing. It is like our public schooling system; we memorize set bodies of information absent of application. When we then go out into the world we feel at a loss, we feel like we do not know something. We realize we have a very rudimentary understanding that lacks application so we do not really know how to self direct. That is a form and a function meant to dumb us down because at present we have a resource acquisition game going on - one that is a false paradigm. The physical cannot be owned, it is something that we use a principle with. That principle is a fundamental nature of life. It is to take the good and give as one would receive and do no harm. 

When we use our words in ways that are end games and of accusative intensity, we shut down real doing and discovery. When we use words such as “ hey, look at this,” or “ lets see what happens when we do this,” we maintain a flow of discovery with constructive direction. That practices real movement and self direction in relation to how this physical reality works and moves. The other leads to a state of confusion and interruption of real movement. If we are in an environment, in our developmental years, where we are only allowed to remain in a set body of “ spells” that are but shadows of things, we become that, and spend the rest of our lives attempting to remove that “ spell.” All the while, those who desire to play a false god, grab the resources of the physical - something that cannot ever be owned so this paradigm overall is a false and destructive one. Yet, what is created as a system is created by each of us, and it is recognizable in the very sounds coming from within our bodies. Thus, by default, we are the creators of the present system within and as how we focus our bodies and generate the very sounds we make as the words we speak. 

We begin to clean up that, and like that fish that knew ONLY polluted and muddy water, we, when that water is clear and pure, will wonder why we ever believed that spell around us was believed to be something real. 

I would, for the life that is you, begin to forgive your accepted and allowed and self generated actions, through self forgiveness and self correction in writing. And, at the same time, practice your words, rebuild them to purify your own waters and come back down to earth. This is the means to becoming a master of self to realize and enjoy the smallest of movements because in knowing the smallest of things we are more able to respect the ordinary and live the extraordinary. 

When things are said with clarity, we tend to listen, because somewhere there is a part of us that “ knows.” We “ know” the difference between clear water and muddied water. We are attracted to clarity because it opens that self discovery which requires real seeing. We also must understand how we muddied the waters within and without, to ensure that we never ever get caught in the same problem. And like all problems, there are always solutions. 

Monday, May 25, 2020

Day 839 More on hurt and the consequential outflow of allowing " hurt."

Within looking at hurt, most of what I realize is that my own “hurt” is about suppressing myself.

The initial starting point of this, is reacting to something within my environment. Instead of processing all the factors within the environment, I instead went into frustration and anger, which is a form of confusion. It means I lost a degree of presence, and instead reacted. 

In practicing this, I build up an energetic inner movement that then lead to more of the same.

This suppression of myself as my presence, lead to making choices that compounded this same state of separation. This accumulated into pain within my body, as the information that was me, as allowed by me, did not fit into being present, where I accepted what was here and moved with it, and did not yet have thoughts about it. There are moments in my life where I live as this, as responding without forethought, In those moments, this kind of response often triggered reactions from others, leading to that same behavior of frustration and fear. This state of being an idea is a thing, in itself, thus, I reacted to a thing that was an inner “ word” with values attached to it. 

I relate this to processing information- which is what it is. It is like when a child cannot process the inner syllables of a word, or when a “ study” is used to back up a point but when one reads the “study” with constructive criticism, one notices that the study in itself is skimming certain information and therefore not a “ study” that paints a clear picture about something.  I am the same when I do not take the time to connect with who and what I am here on this earth, a physical manifestation of life. 

I can listen to another person speak and hear something similar in the words creating their perspective. Just this week I chatted with someone who felt very strongly about suppression of a certain race, while at the same time constantly talking about a group in which this person belonged. This person complained about one thing and then did the same thing in relation to some other group. Meanwhile, the fundamental aspects of what a human is and the most basic of needs of that form, had been skimmed over for the fault of ignoring some groups, and the aggrandizement of another group. This is simply a focus, a focus on a set  body of ideals to define that person. This in itself a distraction from realizing a starting point that is equal in all human form on this earth. It is to say the degree of this passion for one group and the fault therein, had the equal and opposite effect of joining a group to define the person on the other end of the spectrum in the absence of realizing a starting point that clearly defined more the totality of what and who we are.

I can see where there is a lot of resistance within me in relation to holding an idea and sorting this out in a conversation would appear to be daunting. And yet, in remaining grounded, and not hyper inflating this contrast in this person that overall was a form of dualistic thin-king, I was more able to bring forward a response that was not emotional. This was evident in a lack of conflict. It was more a steady clarification that was more accepted. Having said this, I do notice that there is often a bounce-back effect. Removing a personification of ideas that has existed for a long time within a person, can take some time. The understanding of this, overall, causes less reaction and more of an action that is the opposite of that initial reaction, as a child, in relation to information in my environment from other adults and myself as what I was accepting within myself. 

I was becoming that which I was reacting against! 

In relation to all of this, I realize that in a moment, what is around me as the environment, cannot define me, and yet can also be embraced, to realize the focus of and as being focused on a thing, in relation to being here in this space as this life as this earth. It means working with what is here and what is constant as the physical. Therefore, there is nothing to fear to lose but to be scattered into limited ideologies that are from within myself, instead of being here in every breath, considering all things and taking the good, visible as a lack of an energetic friction-like response of and as a fear of loss, leading to the frustration and stress and tension and anger within me. In another way, it reflects the over-use of the imagination. It is, and not “ like,”  that we have become humans that walk with a resonant projected mask right in front of us, coming from our head areas, like a giant resonant vortex right in front of us - thus in so many ways, our physical “ masks” we wear at the moment simply reflects what we have become within ourselves! We can all see it, yet we have suppressed the seeing of this. We IGNORE this. It is a thing. It is a personification.  We cover our mouths and center the focus more onto our eyes! Showing us that we see more than use our entire physical bodies to sense being present and here as who and what we are as life, which is physical. 

I have shut down my heart, to be and do this. as the life that is me, this is a huge hurt within me, because it is a denial of the life that is me. This is the matrix. It is a thing. It is visible. 

What does it take to change a habit? It takes working through how that was created, and to rebuild at the same time, to restore what is natural and what would create a world where no poverty, starvation, or hate exists. It is the only way out of the limited thinking creating separation from self as life. It is practical and pretty simple. It is the inner resonant storm that is complicated. That storm does not want to die, because it has been generated for a long time, over generations. It will defend itself as the regurgitation of itself, becoming more intense as an attempt to hold onto itself. Yet, that is the point of change. It is to make sure one really knows the difference, because that is how we learn. 

Thursday, May 21, 2020

Day 838 Continuing with " hurt." I am suppressing a natural sentience

In relation to the word” hurt” I notice some “ worries” coming forward, especially in relation to my children.
In some respects, this is much like an addiction, as though being focused on something is better than not being focused on something.
This, and the realization that real doing is walking the small steps to get things done, which are practical, as movement, because this is a physical reality.

I also notice that the more I read about how our present system moves resources around this earth, is a form of doing, of ordering things.

There are so many anecdotal events and stories happening in other places, that are telling in themselves.

And then, this gap. This immediate movement , here, with my children and my cultural heritage. 

This “ hurt” is a remembrance of an absence of looking here, speaking up about what is here, paying attention to those small voices as those seemingly anecdotal movements that come through a narrative in a moment, as though it is a public notice. Like those things slipped into government bills, that are a sideways move for personal gain under the guise of help. Somehow these movements are similar. Are we so spaced out we remain in threads without seeing the movements and their consequences on the greater whole. We are so scattered that consequences, like a ripple effect, are in our peripheral vision only. 

Presence, a developed presence would notice the slightest breeze, thus, we have the capacity to sense that one small voice revealing consequences that are a ripple from an action made any where on earth. 

I am working with a client. In the course of our dealings with one another, I begin to recognize what I would call personality inflammations. It is a focus on a certain value. There is an insistence to it. It draws in a certain incestuous quality and moves to gather through the force of its insistence.

Thus “ hurt” is then perhaps another level of a belief in the impossible, that recognizing this and catching the words of and as it, is something overwhelming, because explaining this is, or appears to be difficult. Things are difficult to explain, in simple ways, when one does not yet have enough information, or, is not yet bringing things into clarity in such a way, that one need only speak a few words to describe the movement, because one’s intentions are clear. This in turn improves this for all because it is known that it is not how difficult the word is, it is how much the word has been used by the collective, meaning, it is how known the word is! The language, the word, must be known by the general awareness of us all. 

In order to see, an absence of seeing only the lack must be removed. And, within this, feeling full on the movement in the space here, as that “ hurt” was a consequence of shutting down real and direct looking, because we humans are able when we focus, when we are relaxed to sense the most subtle of breezes. And, we humans are able to foretell the coming weather by the tilt of an Edelweiss growing on the side of a mountain top. So then why is there poverty in any measure on this earth? Why is there extinction on any continent on this earth? It makes no sense. 

Our language focuses us. That means it can be a distraction as well as a guide. 

If we focus too much on this, it can become a habit at the expense of real presence, of real sentience, of real feeling. This I see as what each one can be and do. We can sense the space, like a carpenter who has worked in framing with wood, no longer needing to measure the space, because they FEEL that size and shape of the space so well they KNOW the shape and cut it accordingly. Can we agree, that in many ways our present system moves to allow this, but at the same time thwarts this natural sentience through the movement as the very timing of how things are ordered at the moment. It is using the good to thwart a natural ability.

We learn to crawl without micro-management. We humans need the living space, the space of earth to move with and expand with into knowing this space. Placing us in boxes where pictures are used to program us about this space, is the opposite of life. It is not working and cannot work. It is as simple as that. And it is why we have career politicians and administrators who spend their lives in a space of policy makers that are so out of touch with reality that they have made natural the idea that collateral damage is a part of ordering this reality.  IT means they are so removed from life that they have lost KNOWINg the space as a living space, a physical reality of interlocking parts moving in ways that are beyond what any supercomputer can or will be able to do. I have a relative that worked with the present system. In his old age, every time I have seen him, he has said that they know they will never be able to create artificial intellegence. Dr. Zach Bush has said that there are so many viruses with something like 10 to the 31st power that no super computer will ever be able to catch up. But that sentience as life, within each human, when properly developed with being able to focus directly on this living earth, that is something that would create a world where each one thrived as who and what we are as life.

Therefor, given the programming I have allowed within myself, is hurt really something that is real? Of course this is meant as more of a psychological belief in an imaginary hurt from an inner belief. This is not meant to encompass the idea that I can put my hand on something extremely hot and not get burned - perhaps this is possible, but at the moment, where I am in relation to all of this, doing such a movement would have an unwanted consequence. The state of being as a mind consciousness of layered pictures as ideas, beliefs, and opinions, within a loss of this real life within as self, as sentience, causing one to seek, and as such to have wants desires and needs, causes a separation and distraction from what is natural within us as that life within us that feels this space, this living reality. We are basically existing in a resonant veil of mis-information as scattered parts that distract out real feeling, We are emotional with a cult of positivity that seeks to bury our loss of self as life. We are standing in a resonant tread mill, circulating in limited information, that is insecure and unstable. We can hear this in our words. IT takes us a long time to say something, and often, so many words are basically saying no-thing. We use double speak, meaning we make statements of “ good” and then qualify the opposite to justify that which we say we are not doing. 

Thus hurt is really a shadow of a past conditioning movement,  it is the recognition of a loss of presence. I find it interesting that in America today, the areas where there are more administrators and centers of policy making are remaining closed down, while the middle states where there is more industry and agricultural practice, are opening up, in relation to this 2020 viral outbreak as the narrative is generated. It would suggest that those working in separation from the land, are in fear and loathing from having seen the world through a petrie dish environment that is so removed from reality it basically wants to shut down movement of men as life. That is a form of petrification. It is an absence of presence. And it is a battle for products to maintain a cash flow for that petrie dish world. One that will never work and is not working. 

For myself, the moment I sense any resistance or hesitation within me, or feel that something is difficult, I am in my own resonant storm. I am in the habit of mis-information and in separation from breathing and being grounded and feeling the living space that is here as this earth, as this physical reality. Hurt and pain are myself in an E-motional storm. The motion of life is around me, it is here. I can breath, slow down, listen as become silent and forgive myself back to being what is natural and here as life as who and what I am, as I am the most perfect form to be present, as seeing directly here. I am life. 

Practicing our words, knowing them so well we need not think about them, being able to read and process information effectively, must be practiced and walked, with consistency in order for us as our natural ability to fee this space and be present, must be discovered. Then will our behaviors improve and our greatest happiness as giving will become our state of being. 

Sunday, May 17, 2020

Day 837 Looking at how hurting myself #initself shows a living #solution.

This morning, while reengaging within the word “ hurt,” I noticed a dialogue I was partially FOCUSING upon within me as inFORMation flowing through me. It is like a “ rain” that is “ reigning” me within as a part of me being distracted, or dis-tracted from being present. I have already known this, simply from the discipline of music. I had learned that if there was nothing moving within me, and I focused on what I was practicing, I learned faster! That took years, and I had been told this in my twenties. The contrast is that having a “ rain/reign” of thoughts within us, as a focus, as a movement within us, has to a great extent become something we believe to be normal. In the outer world this manifests as the constant and ubiquitous information being broadcast as the news, the fake new, the lie-by-omission news, constantly on in many homes via the television, at gas stations, in supermarkets and shops. It is everywhere! This constant “rain/reign-of-information! How can we know the difference if this is how it has been? How can we understand the difference if we, through generations are like frogs placed in cold water in one generation not seeing that that water that initial generation was placed in was cold, and is ever so slowly being heated up to the extent two generations down the line, that water is becoming very very hot and yet we are unaware that this is happening because that “ heat” appears to be normal? 

Then, would not the narrative be about everything else BUT that one thing happening that appears invisible because it has become so “normal”? This is basically what is happening. In the law of compounding effects, and intensification, even dis-ease becomes normalized and manipulated as to the cause because the real cause has become invisible, and at the same time, in plain sight. So deep is a conceptual manipulation. So capable are humans of accumulating a resonance of story within that causes complete separation from reality. It is very profitable for some. And yet, at the same time, each individual is also caught in seeking profit. This appears to be a conundrum, but the greater system simply reflects the individual parts. It shows both great capacity as creators, and the means of great deception. lol, DE-CEPTION, inception, conceive, conception. These words all notes, notations, in a song. What the mind can conceive it can achieve. The question is if we are conceiving what is best for all, maintaining a balance with creation? 

Back to my own individual conception of and as acceptances and allowances that physically occupy my self within, visible as inner movements.

I found this “ rain” within me. It is a form of being obsessive about organizing things. It has become so automated I hardly hear the inner voice of this, or see the inner focus of this. It is the same movement as that moment when I pledged myself to “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt!” It is like a voice of being paranoid, making sure all the proverbial “ ducks are in a row” in relation to a desired outcome. 

If this is within me, then I lose focus on the present moment. This is a form of distraction. Suppressing this is a form of distraction. It occupies and consumes my presence. It informs me. I am absent from being focused here, communicating with what is here, with what is constant. I am limiting my relationships with what is here because a part of me is focused elsewhere. This leads to mistakes, That leads to confusion and blame. I am, within this, obviously an amazing machine! 

Obviously, organizing things is necessary in today’s world. I can organize things, take some time to focus on that, and employ a system. Then I can let it go. I can break down a time in the day to do this so I need not “think” about it constantly, like a narrative constantly running and raining down from within. I can let myself go outside of taking a moment everyday to focus on organizing things in my daily life. Then, when having done that I can relax and focus here, be in the moment. There is time and space within my daily living for this, just as I realized there is infinite space between notes. There is so much space between notes that no “note” can really move that fast. This fits in with an autistic child I know who can catch sand piper birds. It is the way they move! It appears to slow! It is a space time movement of a different nature. This in itself shows that our normalized hyper tense media information show distracting our attention is in itself a movement that like a web, can “ catch” us and distract us from being present in creation. This physical world is creation manifest. We cannot be life without it. And, this is used to control. Meaning, we can be lead to believe there is some greater life somewhere else. Remember, we were told to bring heaven to earth, not the other way around. 

Back to me again, as what I am as a movement within me. This “ rain” within me, is therefore a “ hurt.” It is a “ hurt” because it is a form of suppression as a service to fear, as a loss of real presence. It is like a running dialogue of compensation. It sounded like “ Okay, is this in order, do I need to order that, have I thought of everything for this …. etc..” 

I see it at the moment as a construction answering to more than one background belief. It is that same thing as believing in myself being hurt. It is a certain suppression of myself as life, via distraction. At the same time that I acknowledge the “hurt’ I run from the “ hurt.” Meaning, that same part of me that organizes, is also organizing to avoid the “ hurt” that is also a non-follow through to a problem, or an acknowledgement by an adult as a child. I am using natural movement as reaction instead of as solution. That would create a spin, a vortex of information spinning resonantly within me, causing a huge distraction from reality. It is that “ nothing is necessarily “ bad” in itself. It is the “ too much water, or too little water “ is deadly. At the end of the day, it is about balance. And it is why a simple and basic principle is necessary; the principle of  to take the good, do no harm, give as you would receive. 

Perhaps I am avoiding placing myself in a situation where I actually “ hurt” myself! Knowing in some level that in allowing myself to be a reaction of and as “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt,” while I acknowledge this as a lack of information, or clarification, I then over compensate in ordering things to such an extent that I become my own hurt to avoid creating a situation where I react in frustration and confusion and anger! In focusing on being “hurt” which had a preliminary movement of confusion, as non-clarification, and reacting from that as a starting point, I became what caused that which I was becoming, or reacted as! I mean, this is/was probably the same state in my parents that lead to my reaction - a reaction that in itself acknowledged that movement overall. It is such a twist and has become so automated, I can feel the cognitive dissonance. It is, and not “like” having to see the meanderings of my acceptances that are loud within me, so-to-speak, as that “ rain” that hearing, or hear-ing myself here is like seeing through a polluted environment! Imagine being in a valley and knowing the valley is ringed with great mountain peaks and yet they are “ invisible” because the smog in the valley is so thick the perceptual distance cannot be seen. There is a natural replay of accepted actions with the dialogue of that intact, running in automation to such an extent that shifting FOCUS appears to be difficult. And yet, we humans as life have a great ability to will who and what we are - evident in that we “ willed” this same state of separation! 

Thus, within all of this, there is a resistance to changing focus within me. “But but but, it cannot be that very “ water” I am living in! That is “ normal”! It has always been that way!” 

The solution I can practice is to create a “ mini-day” schedule. I engage myself within using a certain time of the day to checking in on existential because-of-the-present-system ordering of my time and space and focus, to cross reference how I am moving within certain structures to get things done. Outside of that, I let things go and allow myself to be here. I become a master of me. I give myself time to play, to let go and focus here. I stop a habit of attempting to avoid certain “that of which I speak” scenarios and realize what is constant, as the living physical practical reality here. I stop and I breath, and I let go of an obsessive clinging to being organized and at the same time use consistent organization within and as using space and time to build in a system of cross reference without being obsessive about it! I see realize and understand that I can use time to build in time, as a measure, to give myself back to myself, as let go and focus here, to live solution. To live slowing down to instead of reacting as a spiteful reaction that leads to me hurting myself, to instead realizing all these moving parts in ways that respect all things and consider what resolves conflict in ways that maintains a balance to the extent I life here. That is a practice of remaining in awe of life. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to constantly “think.”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from being present into a reaction of and as “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.”
I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I within and as accepting an idea of myself as being hurt, was/is myself being that same thing I was speaking up against, and for that I forgive myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to stop being focused here, in the moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the “hurt” of and as constant organizing to avoid that same “hurt” as a moment of confusion and frustration and overwhelm-ment leading to moving into protection and defense against that lack of clarity, and within that, realizing that Was basically modeling what was before me, as a choice, not seeing realizing and understanding that that which I was doing was also the means to resolve the lack of full disclosure, or clarity.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand my own practiced and practical habits as a n inner movement, as thinking that was a protection from non-follow-through that was in essence an avoidance of that same action of a belief in being “hurt” when that state of being hurt was the same I was accepting and allowing myself to become! 
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from being focused here, where real solutions exist in all ways, always.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abuse life.

When and as I find myself “ thinking” in relation to ordering things in this present system of separation, to stop and breath, and remind myself that this “ rain” of thought need not “ reign “ my focus, my presence, the life that is myself here, and to within this, remember I am able to cross reference organizing effective movements in a moment every day, and within this, allow myself to let go and remain present, as nothing can define me, but what I accept and allow, and as who and what I am as life, I can engage with the life that is here, that is me, that is physical and constant, here.
I commit myself to perfecting the inner me, to breath, and slow down and focus here, in alignment with the physical reality as creation in expression as the physical, to realize there is space between the notes, to, as myself, move as focus, much like moving through the eye-of-the-needle, to ground myself as my beingness here, to live solutions, as model solutions that are best for all, as everything that is here is me in another life.
I commit myself to let go, to be present with all of me, to engage with reality as the physical.
I commit myself as my beingness, to slow down and breath, to live the opposite of and as “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.”
I commit myself to bringing focused here, to see realize and understand that that part of me that can choose “ hurt” with all its consequences, is that same part of me as life, that can problem solve. 
I commit myself to recognizing over-thinking, and the difference of being present, “ rain-less” within and as myself here, as my beingness.
I commit myself to playing with conceptualizing, letting things go, focusing here, finding that sweet spot of and as being able to simply and with grace, walking up to a piping plover and gently picking it up. ; ) 

Saturday, May 16, 2020

Day 836 working on the word " engagement" An engagement with constriction.

I am going to look at the word “engagement.” I immediately went to an etymology dictionary to look at the root words in this word. What came up is en = in and gage = pledge. As a child, I , when I spoke the words, “ you want me to be hurt, so I will be hurt,” was myself making, or being in a pledge. It would mean that I must correct this pledge I made in a moment of reaction as a child, a small child. 

I will do self forgiveness on this point. Yet, to be honest, what would be the self correction? What would it be in specificity? It appears simple, yet to really live it, to the extent the new commitment removed years of this pledge, that I most probably regretted at some later time, or forgot and went on with my day not realizing that this one tiny action was informing my consciousness. I mean, look, when we practice a sport or an instrument, we get better at it. It works the other way too. One can lend effective self direction the other leads to increasing cognitive dissonance. What was that infamous message said over 3000 years ago by a man. Remember he said “ though I walking the valley of good and evil …” what is that? Is that an indication in the words of another age of a state of being we could call a cognitive dissonance within blocking us from reality? Why can’t we remember what we were doing last year in this moment with great specificity? Where are we? What is the constant? 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to as a child, as my beingness to make a statement as a focus, as a form, of and as “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to live the form as the words, informing myself as this, as the statement “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a spiteful statement, of and as “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become spiteful, even as something I might later regret, yet did not understand that in a moment, what I express, is what I allow, even if it is as a child.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a reaction to a problem, instead of living a solution in a moment of being confused and frustrated.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel in moments that this forgiveness is not necessary, and yet, going back and bringing up memories of even the smallest of actions from my past, is necessary because it brings it here and allows me to realize what it means to be life, within and as to consider every movement, action within myself that I allow, to look at this, and to realize it here, to call it out by name, and to then catch seeing such movements to never ever move as this again, as the consequences are a loss of that very means, a reaction, to form as the life that is me here.
I forgive myself for remembering ONLY that moment, or allowing that action, that spite, that reaction, to be my pledge to myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react in spite, instead of using that same capacity to create, to within creation, be a form of assessment, which means that the capacity is here, as me, as this, to assess what is around me, and formulate what is an awareness of problem solving, within and as what opens instead of frustrates.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have pledged myself to an idea, within me, in self reaction to the environment around me, instead of taking a deep breath, perhaps ,stepping back, to assess and remember myself as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have formed within myself this pledge, as focused my body, my presence, my beingness into and as this form as the words “ you want me to be hurt, so I will be hurt,” not seeing realizing and understanding the extent to which I was in fact hurting myself more than anyone else, and as such disrespecting the life that is me, here, and that is all that is here as this earth, as the physical living reality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself as my beingness, into a pledge that was a pledge of separation from life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a funnel, a focus, a form within and as me, constricting myself into forming as dis-associating from reality, as the words, “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a residual consequence of and as shame, within and as this, and yet, to embrace this and let it go.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that I as life, can with this same ability, change the focus within and as me, to feel what is here, and realize that nothing can define me but what I accept and allow, thus, I am able to feel what is here, as I am able to feel and remember a state of being, or forming, of focusing upon, as my inner form as shape as movement within me, as making a pledge as a set of words, filled with emotional values, as the words “ you want me to be hurt, so I will be hurt.”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel some sadness within this as having abused life, within and as allowing myself to become an emotional reaction, even as a child, even within and as living in a world where we are not really taught the depth of how all of this works, even though we have been told, thus as a child, this was not made clear, so, even though I must forgive myself for my own actions, being sad about this is not being within me, the living solution within all of this.

I commit myself to breath, to slow down, to recognize my own practiced reactions of spite and frustration and confusion, that have accumulated within and as me, and which I carry around as a program within and as my physical body that have added resonant layers of suppression and denial, shame and regret, when such programming hinders real living movement of and as respect for all things, consideration for all things, acceptance of what is real and natural as that innocence of a child, as being present and here.

I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding as my beingness as myself, to slow down and process the movement within my physical body, to realize physical resistances to being focused here, in this living, breathing, expressing, movement of life called earth, that expression as the physical, that is the means of life here.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand the movements of my physical body, to correct the focus as the movement as the expression of myself as life here, to equalize to the physical creation around me that is life, here.

I commit myself to recognizing when and as I move within and as me, as that reaction in a moment, as believing I am being “ hurt” or denied, or that the cognitive dissonance suppressing the natural, which is presence in recognition of all things as the means of life that is the physical creation, to cross reference the movement of me here, to know the difference between reactions as energy within to being grounded and steady, and present as the real value is life here.

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that within the inner energetic resonances within my physical body, as stored information, as programming, that this storm of conspiracy theory, as one could say, must be taken apart, and rebalanced to restore what is natural, as myself as life here. and within this to see, realize and understand that this warping of reality into polarized values, is hyper inflating moments where within that are grains of truth , as what appears to be small anecdotal insights into patterns, that reveal the real living workings of this reality, thus, the more effectively I recognize what is hyper-realized and practiced selective reasoning, has within and as me, become hypnotic because I accepted and allowed myself to FOCUS upon this, and yet within it, are the cracks into reality, that show me to myself, within and as what makes sense and what is absurd.

I commit myself to recognize the means of my own deception, such as a reaction within and as me, as a movement, of and as “ you want me to be hurt, so I will be hurt.”
I commit myself, as my beingness, as the life that is me, to slow down and breath, to ground myself here, to see realize and understand what is more constant and stable and forgiving of and as life here.
I commit myself to , when and as I find myself feeling overwhelmed, leading to frustration, or confusion, to slow down, to take the time to look at the hyper-realized parts, as reactions, as what is hindering understanding, as a pattern of beliefs causing a cognitive dissonance within and as embracing what is here , what is stable, what is constant, as what is in tune, as what builds self trust, to resolve conflicts, and realize what is best for all, as what is best for all is best for the self. 
I commit myself to enjoying this, to playing with this, to use a creative capacity to look, to consider, to see the movement of and as what is here, to resolve what brings solution, which manifests as a constancy that no one can take away, as this is more a living with what is life, what is an expression of and as a creation that has the quality of being awesome.
I commit myself to remaining present, to slowing down and breathing, and grounding myself here, in respect of life as all things that are me, in another life are here.
I commit myself to realizing that I have faced many storms, many energetic reactions, many resonant constructions of ideas, beliefs and opinions, and answered to the limitations therein, therefor, I am able to slow down and play with the strings of limited thinking, as resonant ghosts, to allow self discovery, as refocus, into and as what is best for all here, as I am life here.
I commit myself to becoming the vocabulary of life, realizing what defines life, in thought, word and deed, as a movement as myself here.
I commit myself to having fun within and as this, as in reality we are all seeking ourselves as life.
I commit myself as pledge myself to myself through being the living word, as what is best for all, as what is best for allis best for myself here.
I commit myself to engage with life.

I commit myself to slowing down and breathing when and as I sense the slightest movement of confusion, frustration, anger, and overwhelm-ment, as this is  an indication that I am moving as reaction, and as such require more information, more cross reference, more assessment of and as bringing myself back down to earth to realize what is best for all, as this possibility exists here in every moment in all ways, always here.

Thursday, May 14, 2020

Day 835 My own suppression through accepting being " hurt." What is " #HURT"

I was talking with someone and in the moment, wrote a “ rant.” It was me reviewing not only my own emotional hi-story but also, at the same time, looking at the overall direction of the family into which I was born. It is somewhat akin to looking for a “ truth” in the overall picture of my life. This is based on the realization that most likely there is an inherent truth to many things. Even if that small degree of “ truth” is buried under a spaced out, scattered dialogue of practiced separation. That default of lacking self responsibility and real self trust. 

At the end, a sense came up of myself, standing in a home space as a child making the decision that “ if you want me to be “ hurt” I will be “ hurt.” It was like I was in an inner statement I made the decision to be, in a moment, as a response to my environment, as the adults that were my parents that are products of the same system that lead me to make the statement in that moment as myself. That memory is like a shadow, a movement, a FOCUS. I can pull this up and read it. I was pretty small, as many of such memories have a sense of the angle of my body looking up, a certain tilt to the head or direction of focus within my body, as a narrowing down to a point. What I see is that experience within me, not yet able to remember the greater field around me. I am inward focused. 

Reminds me of another memory. I am speaking, but not speaking, I am running, outside. The grass and the trees are there. I turn and speak to a tree and say “ But I want to play.” 

I remember interacting with something in NY when I was around 17 I believe. We communicated as words, with presence, but nothing was said out loud. I also wondered at some point in my life why I had no control of somethings within me. I had no control of the shifts. What had I mastered? 

In making the decision to be “ hurt” I was being spiteful. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was a child. 

In making the decision to be that, I had to stop being something else, because I was making a decision to be something! 

In effect, I shut down the ability to define, which is what I was doing to make the choice to be “ hurt.” I also realize in making that decision, an emotional one, a value judgement, no matter if my environment was that which I perceived and labeled as this, I was not answering to that which I defined as “ hurt.” And, I just realized that within this moment, no physical “ hurt” was actually happening, meaning no one was physically doing something to me. So, it was not about a physical “ hurt.” 

What comes up in this moment, is something within me that speaks up at times. I would get in trouble at times in school for asking the “ wrong” questions. The “ trouble” part often confused me, because most often I simply blurted something out- meaning I don’t remember having a conscious thought before speaking. Also, ironically, when I did this, I tended to gather people around me that were of more support for me. Ironic how that happens. It is to say that those moments when I asked a question without forethought, that triggered reactions in some, also brought me the people who gave the most unconditional support. 

I remember one time when I was teaching a class and being watched for a grade for a degree. I was moving at ease, and suddenly questioned the direction I was heading in with the students. I stopped and pulled back, even though the students were really engaged. My professor then told me that I was doing great, and asked me why I stopped when I was heading in a great direction? I remember feeling that perhaps I was opening things up too much, and should be more in control within following the script. That opening of of engagement with the students appeared too “ free” in my inner comparison of what the system wanted as a behavior. I remember the students changing in that moment too. as though they sensed that I was doing what they expected of the system, but were experiencing as something different. They too had lived what I had lived. A silence ensued in the room and I knew that somehow I had let an opportunity go. Secretly I was ashamed. Yet, I let this experience allow me to be more open and follow through with how I interacted with students. It is that, “forgive myself, and make sure I never do that again.” And, that some people would most probably like myself “ not going in that direction.”

All these stories show me, as a reflection overall, because I can only speak my experience, that I can feel. I am able to sense the space. That I myself have shut down and moved into a selective reasoning that is choosing the “ hurt.” The “ hurt” being a form of self suppression, of real feeling suppression. That part of myself that blurts out those sudden questions that trigger annoyance in some, and respect from others. That part of myself that realizes with a consequence of shame, that I created more “ hurt” because I feared allowing something to flow in a moment, that must have been “ real” flow because I had captured the attention and participation of many children. I had captured the movement out of “ hurt” and was instead moving into discovery. Then I shut it down because I had made the decision to be “ hurt.” I had made the decision to stop feeling, to shut down, to participate in the behavior of those that did not like certain questions. I had shut myself away from those who supported me when I was natural and more real. I had become what I hated that lead me to make the decision to be “ hurt.”

I remember another class in high school where a teacher labeled me. I made the decision to never speak in her class again. And I did it. I pretended she was not there when called on. My classmates would turn and look at me, with dismay. I remained silent. I remember the teacher moving in a tense way, up there in the front. She realizing that perhaps she had gone too far, embarrassed and afraid because basically she had lost control of her class. My best friend asked me why I was not answering and talking. I remained silent, and would not answer. I was being “ hurt.” lol, though I have to say the dynamics were interesting to say the least. I want to tell myself I created an opportunity and learned more about cause and effect. My choice was not necessarily a good one, but I did learn from it. Though as well, I can feel this movement being at its core, a frustration, a sadness, a disillusionment. The same quality of those students in that later experience. a deep silence, a giving up, an acceptance. 

What if I recognized this and used that part of myself that sensed that teacher moving into stress and constriction and uncertainty while I was sitting there appearing to be reading a book while sensing that movement in the space of and as the constriction in the teacher? And instead of probably at first being glad, ( don’t remember that) but then having a sense of dis-ease at that movement in that adult who most probably had realized she had not made the best decision in relation to communicating with me. No one really wants conflict because it can lead to problems within their job. 

What if I opened up that part of me that has no thinking going on that asked those unwanted questions, and that part of me that turned and talked to a tree, and that part of me that had a conversation with a “ entity” without speaking, and that part of me that opened up taking things apart to understand them? What if I opened up feeling the space? I most probably, had asked my mother a question that was once again not answered, and grew frustrated when I was most likely shut down, just as I had shut down others? What if I allowed that part of me that blurted out those seemingly “ unwanted” questions? What if I remained in the space seeing the moving parts, the mirages of this same thing I was doing within and realized that this is not what anyone really wants to be? 

lol, I will be saying a lot of things people do not want to hear. But so be it. 

It is not what is said, most of the time, it is how it is said. One can curse but the message is too clear to notice. I don’t really enjoy a lot of cursing and do believe that things can be communicated without it. Yet the other day I watched a man speak up about something, with a lot of cursing, yet his message was really simple and clear. In that moment, I saw the message as more important than the delivery. In today’s world sometimes a more edgy delivery is needed. It gets the job done. If a person can exhibit an awareness of this, and not be that all of the time, and perhaps use it to make a point, I see it as being okay. If I had to listen to it all of the time, it would become too much. Most likely people who are able to make a clear and succinct point most probably do not curse all of the time, and instead use this form to emphasize their point. It is somewhat ubiquitous in our world today. 

It is, therefore time to practice feeling, without the hurt shield. It is time to use the core of me that can feel that space, that can talk to trees, that can have fun looking at something and going in whatever direction the looking-at-something or focusing-on-something, the narrowing of my presence in a moment onto something that is  required and natural. Being engaging/ engaged is using feeling. Being engaging is being present. Being engaging is moving beyond being shut down, being unaddressed, being pushed away for asking an unmeditated question. 

This is the word, engage, and engaging for the day. For this moment.