Day 837 Looking at how hurting myself #initself shows a living #solution.

This morning, while reengaging within the word “ hurt,” I noticed a dialogue I was partially FOCUSING upon within me as inFORMation flowing through me. It is like a “ rain” that is “ reigning” me within as a part of me being distracted, or dis-tracted from being present. I have already known this, simply from the discipline of music. I had learned that if there was nothing moving within me, and I focused on what I was practicing, I learned faster! That took years, and I had been told this in my twenties. The contrast is that having a “ rain/reign” of thoughts within us, as a focus, as a movement within us, has to a great extent become something we believe to be normal. In the outer world this manifests as the constant and ubiquitous information being broadcast as the news, the fake new, the lie-by-omission news, constantly on in many homes via the television, at gas stations, in supermarkets and shops. It is everywhere! This constant “rain/reign-of-information! How can we know the difference if this is how it has been? How can we understand the difference if we, through generations are like frogs placed in cold water in one generation not seeing that that water that initial generation was placed in was cold, and is ever so slowly being heated up to the extent two generations down the line, that water is becoming very very hot and yet we are unaware that this is happening because that “ heat” appears to be normal? 

Then, would not the narrative be about everything else BUT that one thing happening that appears invisible because it has become so “normal”? This is basically what is happening. In the law of compounding effects, and intensification, even dis-ease becomes normalized and manipulated as to the cause because the real cause has become invisible, and at the same time, in plain sight. So deep is a conceptual manipulation. So capable are humans of accumulating a resonance of story within that causes complete separation from reality. It is very profitable for some. And yet, at the same time, each individual is also caught in seeking profit. This appears to be a conundrum, but the greater system simply reflects the individual parts. It shows both great capacity as creators, and the means of great deception. lol, DE-CEPTION, inception, conceive, conception. These words all notes, notations, in a song. What the mind can conceive it can achieve. The question is if we are conceiving what is best for all, maintaining a balance with creation? 

Back to my own individual conception of and as acceptances and allowances that physically occupy my self within, visible as inner movements.

I found this “ rain” within me. It is a form of being obsessive about organizing things. It has become so automated I hardly hear the inner voice of this, or see the inner focus of this. It is the same movement as that moment when I pledged myself to “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt!” It is like a voice of being paranoid, making sure all the proverbial “ ducks are in a row” in relation to a desired outcome. 

If this is within me, then I lose focus on the present moment. This is a form of distraction. Suppressing this is a form of distraction. It occupies and consumes my presence. It informs me. I am absent from being focused here, communicating with what is here, with what is constant. I am limiting my relationships with what is here because a part of me is focused elsewhere. This leads to mistakes, That leads to confusion and blame. I am, within this, obviously an amazing machine! 

Obviously, organizing things is necessary in today’s world. I can organize things, take some time to focus on that, and employ a system. Then I can let it go. I can break down a time in the day to do this so I need not “think” about it constantly, like a narrative constantly running and raining down from within. I can let myself go outside of taking a moment everyday to focus on organizing things in my daily life. Then, when having done that I can relax and focus here, be in the moment. There is time and space within my daily living for this, just as I realized there is infinite space between notes. There is so much space between notes that no “note” can really move that fast. This fits in with an autistic child I know who can catch sand piper birds. It is the way they move! It appears to slow! It is a space time movement of a different nature. This in itself shows that our normalized hyper tense media information show distracting our attention is in itself a movement that like a web, can “ catch” us and distract us from being present in creation. This physical world is creation manifest. We cannot be life without it. And, this is used to control. Meaning, we can be lead to believe there is some greater life somewhere else. Remember, we were told to bring heaven to earth, not the other way around. 

Back to me again, as what I am as a movement within me. This “ rain” within me, is therefore a “ hurt.” It is a “ hurt” because it is a form of suppression as a service to fear, as a loss of real presence. It is like a running dialogue of compensation. It sounded like “ Okay, is this in order, do I need to order that, have I thought of everything for this …. etc..” 

I see it at the moment as a construction answering to more than one background belief. It is that same thing as believing in myself being hurt. It is a certain suppression of myself as life, via distraction. At the same time that I acknowledge the “hurt’ I run from the “ hurt.” Meaning, that same part of me that organizes, is also organizing to avoid the “ hurt” that is also a non-follow through to a problem, or an acknowledgement by an adult as a child. I am using natural movement as reaction instead of as solution. That would create a spin, a vortex of information spinning resonantly within me, causing a huge distraction from reality. It is that “ nothing is necessarily “ bad” in itself. It is the “ too much water, or too little water “ is deadly. At the end of the day, it is about balance. And it is why a simple and basic principle is necessary; the principle of  to take the good, do no harm, give as you would receive. 

Perhaps I am avoiding placing myself in a situation where I actually “ hurt” myself! Knowing in some level that in allowing myself to be a reaction of and as “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt,” while I acknowledge this as a lack of information, or clarification, I then over compensate in ordering things to such an extent that I become my own hurt to avoid creating a situation where I react in frustration and confusion and anger! In focusing on being “hurt” which had a preliminary movement of confusion, as non-clarification, and reacting from that as a starting point, I became what caused that which I was becoming, or reacted as! I mean, this is/was probably the same state in my parents that lead to my reaction - a reaction that in itself acknowledged that movement overall. It is such a twist and has become so automated, I can feel the cognitive dissonance. It is, and not “like” having to see the meanderings of my acceptances that are loud within me, so-to-speak, as that “ rain” that hearing, or hear-ing myself here is like seeing through a polluted environment! Imagine being in a valley and knowing the valley is ringed with great mountain peaks and yet they are “ invisible” because the smog in the valley is so thick the perceptual distance cannot be seen. There is a natural replay of accepted actions with the dialogue of that intact, running in automation to such an extent that shifting FOCUS appears to be difficult. And yet, we humans as life have a great ability to will who and what we are - evident in that we “ willed” this same state of separation! 

Thus, within all of this, there is a resistance to changing focus within me. “But but but, it cannot be that very “ water” I am living in! That is “ normal”! It has always been that way!” 

The solution I can practice is to create a “ mini-day” schedule. I engage myself within using a certain time of the day to checking in on existential because-of-the-present-system ordering of my time and space and focus, to cross reference how I am moving within certain structures to get things done. Outside of that, I let things go and allow myself to be here. I become a master of me. I give myself time to play, to let go and focus here. I stop a habit of attempting to avoid certain “that of which I speak” scenarios and realize what is constant, as the living physical practical reality here. I stop and I breath, and I let go of an obsessive clinging to being organized and at the same time use consistent organization within and as using space and time to build in a system of cross reference without being obsessive about it! I see realize and understand that I can use time to build in time, as a measure, to give myself back to myself, as let go and focus here, to live solution. To live slowing down to instead of reacting as a spiteful reaction that leads to me hurting myself, to instead realizing all these moving parts in ways that respect all things and consider what resolves conflict in ways that maintains a balance to the extent I life here. That is a practice of remaining in awe of life. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to constantly “think.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from being present into a reaction of and as “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.”

I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I within and as accepting an idea of myself as being hurt, was/is myself being that same thing I was speaking up against, and for that I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to stop being focused here, in the moment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the “hurt” of and as constant organizing to avoid that same “hurt” as a moment of confusion and frustration and overwhelm-ment leading to moving into protection and defense against that lack of clarity, and within that, realizing that Was basically modeling what was before me, as a choice, not seeing realizing and understanding that that which I was doing was also the means to resolve the lack of full disclosure, or clarity.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand my own practiced and practical habits as a n inner movement, as thinking that was a protection from non-follow-through that was in essence an avoidance of that same action of a belief in being “hurt” when that state of being hurt was the same I was accepting and allowing myself to become! 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from being focused here, where real solutions exist in all ways, always.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abuse life.

When and as I find myself “ thinking” in relation to ordering things in this present system of separation, to stop and breath, and remind myself that this “ rain” of thought need not “ reign “ my focus, my presence, the life that is myself here, and to within this, remember I am able to cross reference organizing effective movements in a moment every day, and within this, allow myself to let go and remain present, as nothing can define me, but what I accept and allow, and as who and what I am as life, I can engage with the life that is here, that is me, that is physical and constant, here.

I commit myself to perfecting the inner me, to breath, and slow down and focus here, in alignment with the physical reality as creation in expression as the physical, to realize there is space between the notes, to, as myself, move as focus, much like moving through the eye-of-the-needle, to ground myself as my beingness here, to live solutions, as model solutions that are best for all, as everything that is here is me in another life.

I commit myself to let go, to be present with all of me, to engage with reality as the physical.

I commit myself as my beingness, to slow down and breath, to live the opposite of and as “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.”

I commit myself to bringing focused here, to see realize and understand that that part of me that can choose “ hurt” with all its consequences, is that same part of me as life, that can problem solve. 

I commit myself to recognizing over-thinking, and the difference of being present, “ rain-less” within and as myself here, as my beingness.

I commit myself to playing with conceptualizing, letting things go, focusing here, finding that sweet spot of and as being able to simply and with grace, walking up to a piping plover and gently picking it up. ; ) 

Day 835 My own suppression through accepting being " hurt." What is " #HURT"

I was talking with someone and in the moment, wrote a “ rant.” It was me reviewing not only my own emotional hi-story but also, at the same time, looking at the overall direction of the family into which I was born. It is somewhat akin to looking for a “ truth” in the overall picture of my life. This is based on the realization that most likely there is an inherent truth to many things. Even if that small degree of “ truth” is buried under a spaced out, scattered dialogue of practiced separation. That default of lacking self responsibility and real self trust. 

At the end, a sense came up of myself, standing in a home space as a child making the decision that “ if you want me to be “ hurt” I will be “ hurt.” It was like I was in an inner statement I made the decision to be, in a moment, as a response to my environment, as the adults that were my parents that are products of the same system that lead me to make the statement in that moment as myself. That memory is like a shadow, a movement, a FOCUS. I can pull this up and read it. I was pretty small, as many of such memories have a sense of the angle of my body looking up, a certain tilt to the head or direction of focus within my body, as a narrowing down to a point. What I see is that experience within me, not yet able to remember the greater field around me. I am inward focused. 

Reminds me of another memory. I am speaking, but not speaking, I am running, outside. The grass and the trees are there. I turn and speak to a tree and say “ But I want to play.” 

I remember interacting with something in NY when I was around 17 I believe. We communicated as words, with presence, but nothing was said out loud. I also wondered at some point in my life why I had no control of somethings within me. I had no control of the shifts. What had I mastered? 

In making the decision to be “ hurt” I was being spiteful. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was a child. 

In making the decision to be that, I had to stop being something else, because I was making a decision to be something! 

In effect, I shut down the ability to define, which is what I was doing to make the choice to be “ hurt.” I also realize in making that decision, an emotional one, a value judgement, no matter if my environment was that which I perceived and labeled as this, I was not answering to that which I defined as “ hurt.” And, I just realized that within this moment, no physical “ hurt” was actually happening, meaning no one was physically doing something to me. So, it was not about a physical “ hurt.” 

What comes up in this moment, is something within me that speaks up at times. I would get in trouble at times in school for asking the “ wrong” questions. The “ trouble” part often confused me, because most often I simply blurted something out- meaning I don’t remember having a conscious thought before speaking. Also, ironically, when I did this, I tended to gather people around me that were of more support for me. Ironic how that happens. It is to say that those moments when I asked a question without forethought, that triggered reactions in some, also brought me the people who gave the most unconditional support. 

I remember one time when I was teaching a class and being watched for a grade for a degree. I was moving at ease, and suddenly questioned the direction I was heading in with the students. I stopped and pulled back, even though the students were really engaged. My professor then told me that I was doing great, and asked me why I stopped when I was heading in a great direction? I remember feeling that perhaps I was opening things up too much, and should be more in control within following the script. That opening of of engagement with the students appeared too “ free” in my inner comparison of what the system wanted as a behavior. I remember the students changing in that moment too. as though they sensed that I was doing what they expected of the system, but were experiencing as something different. They too had lived what I had lived. A silence ensued in the room and I knew that somehow I had let an opportunity go. Secretly I was ashamed. Yet, I let this experience allow me to be more open and follow through with how I interacted with students. It is that, “forgive myself, and make sure I never do that again.” And, that some people would most probably like myself “ not going in that direction.”

All these stories show me, as a reflection overall, because I can only speak my experience, that I can feel. I am able to sense the space. That I myself have shut down and moved into a selective reasoning that is choosing the “ hurt.” The “ hurt” being a form of self suppression, of real feeling suppression. That part of myself that blurts out those sudden questions that trigger annoyance in some, and respect from others. That part of myself that realizes with a consequence of shame, that I created more “ hurt” because I feared allowing something to flow in a moment, that must have been “ real” flow because I had captured the attention and participation of many children. I had captured the movement out of “ hurt” and was instead moving into discovery. Then I shut it down because I had made the decision to be “ hurt.” I had made the decision to stop feeling, to shut down, to participate in the behavior of those that did not like certain questions. I had shut myself away from those who supported me when I was natural and more real. I had become what I hated that lead me to make the decision to be “ hurt.”

I remember another class in high school where a teacher labeled me. I made the decision to never speak in her class again. And I did it. I pretended she was not there when called on. My classmates would turn and look at me, with dismay. I remained silent. I remember the teacher moving in a tense way, up there in the front. She realizing that perhaps she had gone too far, embarrassed and afraid because basically she had lost control of her class. My best friend asked me why I was not answering and talking. I remained silent, and would not answer. I was being “ hurt.” lol, though I have to say the dynamics were interesting to say the least. I want to tell myself I created an opportunity and learned more about cause and effect. My choice was not necessarily a good one, but I did learn from it. Though as well, I can feel this movement being at its core, a frustration, a sadness, a disillusionment. The same quality of those students in that later experience. a deep silence, a giving up, an acceptance. 

What if I recognized this and used that part of myself that sensed that teacher moving into stress and constriction and uncertainty while I was sitting there appearing to be reading a book while sensing that movement in the space of and as the constriction in the teacher? And instead of probably at first being glad, ( don’t remember that) but then having a sense of dis-ease at that movement in that adult who most probably had realized she had not made the best decision in relation to communicating with me. No one really wants conflict because it can lead to problems within their job. 

What if I opened up that part of me that has no thinking going on that asked those unwanted questions, and that part of me that turned and talked to a tree, and that part of me that had a conversation with a “ entity” without speaking, and that part of me that opened up taking things apart to understand them? What if I opened up feeling the space? I most probably, had asked my mother a question that was once again not answered, and grew frustrated when I was most likely shut down, just as I had shut down others? What if I allowed that part of me that blurted out those seemingly “ unwanted” questions? What if I remained in the space seeing the moving parts, the mirages of this same thing I was doing within and realized that this is not what anyone really wants to be? 

lol, I will be saying a lot of things people do not want to hear. But so be it. 

It is not what is said, most of the time, it is how it is said. One can curse but the message is too clear to notice. I don’t really enjoy a lot of cursing and do believe that things can be communicated without it. Yet the other day I watched a man speak up about something, with a lot of cursing, yet his message was really simple and clear. In that moment, I saw the message as more important than the delivery. In today’s world sometimes a more edgy delivery is needed. It gets the job done. If a person can exhibit an awareness of this, and not be that all of the time, and perhaps use it to make a point, I see it as being okay. If I had to listen to it all of the time, it would become too much. Most likely people who are able to make a clear and succinct point most probably do not curse all of the time, and instead use this form to emphasize their point. It is somewhat ubiquitous in our world today. 

It is, therefore time to practice feeling, without the hurt shield. It is time to use the core of me that can feel that space, that can talk to trees, that can have fun looking at something and going in whatever direction the looking-at-something or focusing-on-something, the narrowing of my presence in a moment onto something that is  required and natural. Being engaging/ engaged is using feeling. Being engaging is being present. Being engaging is moving beyond being shut down, being unaddressed, being pushed away for asking an unmeditated question. 

This is the word, engage, and engaging for the day. For this moment.