Saturday, November 1, 2014

Day 583 My Personality with Women Cont. Self Forgiveness

Continuation of  My personality with women.
 The behaviors of suppression in fear of losing a friend as a consequence of this past event where I lost a friend because of criticism/evaluation-taken-personally of that friend’s mother by my father,  I built a personality of fearing to speak up in ways that might have been construed as criticism causing a consequence of  loss and rejection, specifically in relation to woman, where I fear causing a reaction of competition, a reaction of jealousy, the perception of being threatened, which I had learned to fear as in making an association to such behavior as potentially losing something.

If I look at my relationship with my mother, from the point of myself as a small child, I can see where I focused on what my mother wanted to hear, so as to not cause my mother to become reactive. This consumed my attention, to the point where I focused on what pleased my mother at the expense of my own perspective and insight of this practical physical world. This was the beginning of my personality development, just as the action conveys, that was of a narrow focus on the personality of my mother, that became the knowledge and information that I became, perpetuating that same persona. And to note here, that this was not all good or all bad, it was the limitation within this that developed my perspectives that I would as an adult learn the hard way as being limited, as beliefs that did not consider all perspectives of reality, and that did not remember that learning was a process, a continuum that was a building of understanding which meant change and  more directive movement, one that enabled communication that was of sharing in what allowed self discovery and thus direct seeing  to become an adult who realized a common sense expression with the physical world instead of worrying about what others might or might not think about who one was or was not.

So, in my relations with other woman,  I go into an inner conflict, as I have to constantly assess my own allowed personification - built from my occupation with my own mother - to that of another woman - that is more than likely built from her/their mother’s personality. This narrow focus, one that is of following to survive, in itself a separation from being here which is being equal to physical reality. So, it becomes bubbles of personification in constant comparison walking on “ eggshells” to not upset the bubble of belief, instead of sharing insights and realizing that practical real living is building a world where no matter where we are, we take care of practical reality, enjoy differences and create a world where the value is life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear limitation.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear belief.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear not matching the perspectives of another and within this to realize that I can “ match the perspective of another” and yet see that this does not define me, and as such, can follow through into expanding perspectives, building a depth perception that removes bubbles of limited beliefs and allows the end of a fear of loss that is really only a limited belief system and or a process of change that is what expansion is by nature, where expansion comes within seeing directly here, in practical reality.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the perspective of another cannot define me unless I accept and allow it.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the expression of another is a perspective, and as such can change, and also that it is this perspective that can add insight, and only defines in a moment, and within this, that what has been accepted and allowed is the holding of knowledge and information as ideas that define oneself in relation to one’s cultural and gender placement in a system of hierarchy that is the consequence of limited beliefs, where one collected values and used these as self definitions instead of realizing that what we are in every moment is a expression of life on a physical world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see , realize ad understand that resistance and conflict within myself as an emotional movement, are myself in comparison to another, in this case, women, where I resist what does not compliment my idea about myself, as my belief system, instead of being open and accepting the perspective of another, taking that which is good and does no harm, being thankful for that, and sharing myself, without fear of reprimand, judgement and jealousy, and standing as what allows a life lived in full potential realizing that all development no matter what, is what is best for me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to to mince my words, to not speak up in sharing practical reality, as in how practical reality works in ways that do no harm as the solution, as the directive, to enable another, and myself to expand in working with reality here, to create a world where life is the value, and where this value as being life, is what is shared, which, to note, would be an end to violence, and a world that one could call heaven.

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