Saturday, November 22, 2014

Day 585 Believing that I Have to Say Something to Prove my Worth. Self Forgiveness

This point of believing that I have to say something.
This came up and it is in my left inner thigh above the knee.
It is like an entity that wants to jump forward, to grab attention, as in allowing myself to remain in the game. Like this is what I am supposed to do to participate in the world and make myself known, and by this I mean even on a small scale, as within a small group or talking with another person.
A memory comes up with a friend who was a pianist, who had played for more years, applied the craft for more years/hours than I had at my craft. So, when I was in her presence I felt that I had to say something. Which means I felt inferior, or was busy judging because I accepted and allowed a stance of inferiority, instead of remaining here, in practical application within common sense. It is know that it takes 10,000 hours to learn to play an instrument, thus learning, becoming aware of something as its shape and form, takes time, takes steps, building understanding, as the actual physical world would be. It is to say, we live in an actual existence, physically manifest. Thus it is to investigate all things and take that which is good, take that which makes sense, as in causing no harm.
This is always, all ways right in front of us. So, to note here, that a physical world that can build cars and transport these cars to all places on this earth, means that we can transport what is needed where it is needed, and we can get the goods and services needed to organize this earth into a functioning unit of life, as this is what it is, because it is a physical order, visible, actual, here.
It makes no sense, that in a country where there is so much land, and so much resource, human and environmental, that there are bathrooms in elementary schools where children do not have the most basic of needs, such as toilet paper. That outside on the fence surrounding the school, there is all the while a large plack, with the name of a corporation boldly advertising their logo, touting a good, but missing the most basic of needs. It is enough to wonder what is being taught in such an environment, with such a capable physical form as that of the human. There is no excuse for any of this, and it is time that it stopped.
That memory, that entity that rose up as  a past self accepted actualized belief in the form of energy with no real sustainability, rising and peaking causing an emotional storm of dis-empowerment lacking all common sense of seeing directly here, this within me as what I had accepted and allowed, an inferior stance because I had not investigated practical reality, and  instead raced to become superior within my bubble of belief in thought, word and deed. This is for me to being back down to reality, to actual physical expression of life, as this is the real life where I exist, as this is the gift to become equal and one to and as life. 
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become inferior to life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compensate as belief within and as my mind as a thought, as an idea that lacked investigation into practical reality, a physical reality, becoming inferior based on an idea to another, because I compared myself to a step in a process way down the line from me, and instead of looking practically at the steps needed to be walked to get to that point of development, I judged myself as inferior, and then tried to compensate to make myself appear superior, and felt that I had to speak up to become of equal measure, an act of ignoring practical reality here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compare myself to another, instead of looking at the measure of expression, meaning the steps needed to become aware of something, the practice of becoming aware of something, practically.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must always say something, to substantiate myself here, in self interest without reference to life, as what the physical is an expression and means of.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to disqualify practical physical reality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to rush within myself, in thought and deed of words to create a value for myself where I project in words a more than for myself an order of comparison, which is being competitive, as a belief that I must appear to be a good as or better than another.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that within this I am in effect creating, but this creation is of a lesser state of being, as it is an act of self interest based on an idea of more, and as such, myself inferior to practical physical life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from here, from actual living, which can only be here, within this breath here, in this moment here, as this is where the practical is walked, to build understanding and an actual practice of common sense.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being less than another, to have allowed this to become greater than life itself, as the physical, where the gift is to walk into awareness of what it means to be physical expression of life.
When and as I find myself wanting to prove that I am not inferior to what is around me, I stop and I breathe, and I slow myself down, to see realize and understand that self awareness means to be equal in understanding to here, in an actual physical expression as what life is in reality.
When and as I find myself beginning to speak out and up from a starting point of self interest based on a value judgement done from comparison within a limited value system, as belief, I stop, I breath , I slow myself down, until I am stable within and as breath here, and I look at the actual living physical reality to see, realize and understand in thought, word and deed, what is best for all, which is to take that which is good and does no harm, as each is me, in another life, thus the only choice is the choice of what is best for all here.
When and as I find myself moving into competition, wanting to move into a more, an energetic movement within and as me, I stop and I breath, and I slow the rush to a morality of more, built of limited values as good and bad, where the bad is what does not define my accepted limited self definition and the good is what I believe creates a value as a self definition, an overall outcome of separation, limited as a narrow focus as mind in relation to actual living expression as what the physical is, here.
When and as I find myself wanting to appear, as words, to be more than that which I have made myself inferior to, I stop and I breath, and I look here at practical reality, to see, realize and understand the practical, common sense steps of what it means to investigate and practice the building of awareness to master something, to know something enough to share the information of it in such a way that each is self empowered to be and reach their full potential, which is supporting life and realizing all resources, including human, as having the value of life, here, where each part realizes the full potential of life within, creating a world that is the actual of best for all.

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