I have noticed in talking with people, that there are these moments when a thin film comes towards me, like a wisp. And then I noticed when I do this myself, as this is like a separation from being grounded here in this physical world, a much more stable state of being. This stability a point of being in tune, and what is in tune can withstand, it is like it rings into eternity.
I also notice how much I constrict within myself physically, how the muscles constrict. It is like I scrunch myself within myself and tense up and force something out of me.
Looking over a mind construct I wrote out with all the back chat of beliefs, ideas and opinions I have accepted and allowed, I realize how much I react in blame, projecting ideas about things outward , like a ghost in the machine. Lol, it is like I am running a picture show about reality in separation from myself as a physical being on a physical planet.
This has not happened a lot, yet it has happened enough where I say to myself: what was that!
In relation to myself, I realize how much I am doing this. And the reflection I see from having written out the dialogue within composed of polarized values of right and wrong, a morality in relation to survival instead of respect for all life, where the physical is included, and then realized as being what is real.
Most of the back chat is blame, for me, a form of protection and defense from doom and gloom scenarios, as potential losses in the order of survival. I mean, I can be sitting and suddenly I notice that I am imagining the worst case scenario. I have to stop, breath, slow down, and realize that this is not myself being present here, realizing the math of the physical, the real form of the physical. I realize that I accepted and allowed the seeding of my own demise. Only I can sort this out. And, what is really cool is that this can be sorted out, walked through and realized for the separation that it is, taken apart, forgiven and reformed, corrected into a script that grounds me into who and what I really am, a physical design on a physical world. I am here.
At this point, as a perspective from this moment, what I realize the most is how much I fear being practical. This means looking here, slowing way down and looking here, gathering information in respect of the practice of physical beingness. This tends to create less fear of speaking up, as what respects the physical and calls what is here by name, when voiced without fear, without expectations of resistance or reaction, can stand. It is using our greatest strength to focus on the very fabric of the physical as being the starting point of reality, which is an ability to assess and investigate that which is sound as that which is best for all.
In all, I have been so occupied within protection and defense based on a fear of really looking and speaking up about what is here, through my own allowances, that I have forgotten to use my greatest strength to remain present in the richness of life, that is the physical world around me that is me, here.
I have forgotten to feel, to live, to be an expression of life, to be present, to breath, to accept and be thankful for the richness of this physical fabric that is the means of life in expression, in formation.
It is at this point that I enter a sense of great sadness about the loss of someone close to me. I enter a ‘ what if” situation in and as realizing that were I in equilibrium with myself as life, could I have changed the outcome. Perhaps, yet this moment is not here, so I cannot say. And even this must be forgiven, as the solution is to stand and take back the life that is me, to enjoy being life, which is physical in form.
Also, this event was within my immediate environment. Meaning, this is only in relation to myself, as there are so many who suffered a similar fate with whom I had no relationship, and yet suffered based on the choices that I made without consideration for all things. Hence, to make the situation I was in bigger than situations distant from me, yet influenced by the choices I accepted and allowed in the products I chose, for example, or the lack of question about the economic constructs allowed on this earth that do not pay for the labor of others and cause suffering through extreme lack of access to physical support. Hence, the emotion of shame and guilt that I allow, though having some valid aspects is really in self interest.
It stems from a fear of being forced away from something, as the best way to describe it here. Like being, or choosing a non-feeling state of being. And by feeling I mean, no longer being within the richness that is real life. What is rich is what is equal and one in measure, in a relationship to reality, which is physical, so visible and right here. That means that a feral child uses to smell like a wolf, or that means that a child uses when growing up in a household where music is constant. It is that this absorbent ability is diverted to a lesser form, one that is in separation from respect for what we are as a starting point , which is physical reality.
I realize that I accepted and allowed so many personal dis-orders, called personality disorders, built of beliefs and ideas, and opinions in a morality of survival before life. This life being the real morality. The physical being the real story. The hierarchy system that men have accepted and allowed for eons, the separation and the cause of conflict with life that is the current consequence of disease and discord on earth at present.
I notice that the moment i move into any kind of blame, I create a whispy entity within and as me, one of bitterness that is not myself being solution, as the only way to and towards life is to become the solution in every breath, to be present here, standing within and as what is best for all, as what respects the physical world, choosing what does no harm to any living thing here. This means to give as I would receive, to make the choice to speak up about what has been accepted and allowed, as what ignores the practical, and as what is the means to equality.
This means to stand in equilibrium with the physical, to become a body in equilibrium with life, which is physical and always right here in front of me. No one can take that away, but myself. The rest, is illusion, that unfortunately is causing consequences on earth that no one would want for themselves.