As happens, it is usually in the morning when I am waking up that I catch an insight into the movement of my own behaviors. This morning it was more obvious to me the extent to which I move into protection as a form of self suppression.
I remember, in college, while performing on stage one time, that I consciously performed in a way to hide a full presence in what it was I was doing. It is a form of no longer being as open. The belief behind it was that in being open, I attracted too much “ insistence” from others. What does that mean… It means that a certain focus of myself, could attract a kind of focus from other humans. It also reveals that I composed myself to a much greater extent than I am perhaps willing to realize. I deliberately, in a moment, composed the focus of my body, within a certain degree of limitation as not being open and fully focused with clarity in what I was doing in that moment.
It also reveals a fear within me. What I am seeing is a fear of being able to answer to what comes to me in my environment. The contradiction, as the very nature of life revealing itself, was the movement I choose in that moment as being the answer to my own perceived dilemma! Astounding that the answer is therefore, always in plain sight.
It was to realize that all things are a system, a composition. Even, as my father taught me, a newspaper article is a composition, visible in what it does not say. Most articles are written where the important thing is revealed at the end of the article because literacy rates are falling - which is also a system - and as a consequence most people no longer read to the end of an article - which means in itself, that emotions are triggered and the processing of information has become stagnant. It is a thing, a slow processing speed. The way forward is finding the point of conceptual development, to get it moving. It means seeing that train of separation. slowing it down and directing/moving in a direction that opens self discovery.
It is also understood that music, art and dance and reading about world events develops both sides of the brain. It is also understood that small minds talk about other people ( distraction), a more focused mind by degree, will talk about larger movements, and an even more focused person, using the tool of the mind, will focus on the overall whole and the ideas that improve that overall whole. How many people do you know that spend most of their time talking about other people? Was my self shutting myself down an attempt to avoid facing the above - that obviously reveals the human can determine their own FOCUS and as such “ invade” a space with their focus (revealed in their words and the focus of their bodies) to the extent one would make a choice to hide from that by doing the same thing that is causing that limited and narrow focus that creates a projection that is visible in its limitations by the very sounds coming from within it by the FOCUS of the body itself? Is it visible when perhaps in tossing a ball at the person the extent to which they are present is visible in the timing it takes to notice and catch a ball tossed towards them?
This is dealing with a kind of quantum shadow world. And I choose to play the game, which means that I am able to see the game. My self suppression was really about a belief that I did not know how to deal with that which I then used to hide from that! It also means there is no excuse for anyone.
To change a practice that has been lived over a long time, is both easy and hard. Hard because reversing something appears difficult when the forces that drove that movement have become seemingly normal. Yet, once something is understood and called out by name, it no longer has any power as like cancels like. It is, all a math, one of great beauty. The shame being a rejection of that very beauty. “ we are happy when we are focused and unhappy when we are not” should be “ we are happy when we are focused here on earth, considering all things, and unhappy when we are not.”
This tension point on the right side of my chest, that at first felt like an inflammation, has to do with this point of facing the very thing I shut myself off from, that that has the answer to that which I resisted.
I also sense that I circumnavigate this point. Hmmm. lol
At the end of the day, it is just like listening to a piece of music, hearing ( lol - I typed “hearting”) the moving parts and pulling the strings in ways that face the problem, the tension, the focus, to and towards what brings forward balance and consideration of all things. And then to rebuild as every word, to speak in oneness and equality with life that is here always, otherwise why would I shut myself off from it? It is here, as that is the real starting point.
This is all interesting, because at the moment, I have a physical problem in my immediate environment. Many around me are telling me there is nothing I can do. My family members tell me this with pity cloaking their bodies. I recognize the quality of the “ film.” It all appears impossible. Yet, I have managed to find agreement. It needs no label, no name calling. it requires spelling out the space. It is, at the end of the day a math. It is when real harmony happens that it is like standing in the most magnificent “ song.” A “ song” that is stable in itself. It is like watching a plant resort back to its original form, or a form that fits into the environment. I had a “ foreign” lettuce that appeared to do this. It is as though something if forcing the living plants to be other than they really are. After all, the dinosaurs always looked like some sophomoric attempt at design. We have as a society come to believe that the sophomoric is more than it actually is. Having done a discipline for so long, that becomes obvious. I just shut down and say nothing most of the time because the difference is unknown and some attempt at speaking up elicits a group think that has forgotten the difference. It is a complacency in silently realizing that to some extent there is something called a continuum.
In a way, I already know what to do. Not necessarily with all the specifics. It is more that I have already done this in small movements. A practice of looking at space and time, taking things apart. It is more to make that bigger and the shadow play smaller, or an aid in a moment. The absence of using emotion and feeling allows one to say things more directly because it triggers nothing and as such allows more self reflection, somewhat like the rule of three ( times). This requires seeing the moments a gap appears that floods insight. ( I had one of those moments the other day and then blocked it out!) Yet the “ water” imprint remains.
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