A mis-use of pride- something to sort out! Day 729

One thing I notice within myself, in terms of processing my own storied information, biased and based on not having enough information, and/or not listening and looking at the practical, as myself as a living being that is physical, is how much I resisted problem solving. Meaning, the lack of looking and listening, as a consequence by default of justifying not having taken the time to sort things out, as to really know the ‘ score’ of practical reality. This in itself is like an entity of self pity within- a thing that can accumulate in the back of a person.

I have a memory, of myself, walking down a New York city street, as a teenager, and wondering what was in the back’s of people. At this time in my life, I was beginning to see the realities of this world, especially from being exposed to the modeling industry as I had sisters involved in this industry. I was watching my peers move towards their ideas of entering this world too. I could cite many examples; seeing my friends moving from one group to another, changing their dress codes etc. all to fit into an idea of what it meant to ‘ grow up’ and leave something that was unique within them behind. Such a change is stark when it involves moving into playing the modeling game.

Another area was music. I would perform on the street for a teenage discretionary income. It was much more lucrative then working a minimum wage job. One winter, I worked at the huge Macy’s department store on 34th street. I encountered fathers bringing in their children, asking them to put on one of the coats and to then walk out. The child crying when the coat was taken, the father inflated and little, conflicted in getting caught, not getting his daughter the coat, and she being a witness to this.  I encountered the boss, verbally reprimanding me when her boyfriend would come in at the end of the shift and spend all his time talking to the teenage girl- the new and younger woman on the floor ( which was me). In this I was trapped, there was no where to go. I even realized that I was moved at the whim of the boss, to be placed in the most demanding situations. When it was slow, I was on the floor, cleaning up the children’s cloths on the down time, when it was busy, I was on the register. I suppose I would do the same thing, were I the boss, because it allows the boss to watch over the operations of the whole- yet at the time, I thought I was being punished! lol

In terms of street performing, it had its dangers, yet they were manageable, it was more a taboo, seemingly too loose and independent for my friends as we grew older. That minimum wage job, an entry level job, was more safe. Even on a bad day on the street, for a couple of hours, the wages were better than two hours in a store.

I remember one time, taking some of my mother’s paintings to a street fair. I sold two of them. Two out of three is not bad. It was a risk. I remember feeling like I was doing something under the societal rules, yet could not see NOT doing it at the same time.

Two things are coming up within me in relation to these memories coming up. One is how much my own limitations, in terms of what structures I should move  as within my society to get things done, and how limiting such ideas about such things are, based on real experience. That thing, in the backs of the people that I sensed in the midst of other activities in my life, during childhood, as in a sense, myself seeing what was happening around me, as limited ideologies of should’s and should not’s compounding as a moral imagery within people, walking as personifications of such, creating firewalls of belief within them. A heavyness that lacks movement and settles within, separating awareness from real living movement, as those practical things one can do that are always here. It is only belief and a fear of things that limits.

In so many ways, people really do want to help other people. People also can become intensely jealous of others. I define jealousy as feeling lousy, because that person, for example, is performing out there on the street and they ( the jealous) are not. It is a kind of reflective exposure to one’s own lack. Some rejoice and enjoy, others draw back in shame. The resisting states of being, a fear of facing reality, the practical, the simple steps necessary to get things done. 

At the moment, I have a friend I met as an adult, with whom I had a ‘ falling out’ come back into my life. They are interested in something I am doing. They have run a large business and done extremely well, affording them freedom that most of us only wish for. They have had the best education many only dream of. Within all of this, I am meeting intense reactions within what I am doing,  that they have become interested in. There are times, I just watch, slow down and listen to a tirade- of which I feel I am not allowed to possess. Time frames in regard to such reactions, I have learned do not exist. My moments though small, are huge, yet within a math, this would be the outcome. The only math is their math- their belief system of what is proper. Some of it worth assessing, carefully, to clear things up. And just as we practice new formulas, to incorporate them to the point of using them without thinking about them, applying them directly, in a moment, such things take time. It is much like we have been told; walking through a valley of good’s and bad’s, biases created from learning things in a context away from practical realty- that place/space where we live and see and interact  directly, employing all of our senses- this being a more natural and fast way to learn. Memorizing things in separation from here, is slow, and a means of control. When we can start to realize this, we can change this world in probably less than a decade. That is how well we as human beings can absorb information, this inFORM being the physical reality around us.

I was told at some point to use my past, and I have not done this as much as I could. Using my past, has a point of shame for me, because I have learned that pride is a false promise. It was at a point where I had enough experience to realize that pride in itself, was a false promise ( forgetting that the means to the end is the joy). This point a moment where I made the choice to not take something as a point of gain, in terms of being more than another, as defining myself as that, I chose to forgo the bling of a trophy of more, and instead realize that the magic was in the doing, in living the means, where the goal was important as more a completion of developing understanding.  As a dveelopment of understanding sustained and self emwpoered one’s focus and thus, capacity here. That understanding one’s greatest asset- the gift that keeps on giving, and therefor benefitting everyone. 

Now that I am older, or have spent a greater number of years as a physical beingness on a physical planet. I notice how so many of my friends, and people near the same age as myself, are losing spatial skills to greater and greater degrees. This is that thing in the back, taking over. This is that limiting set of beliefs, informing the machine. This is those beliefs of ‘ more’ that limit practical actions. This is the mind con-sciousness within all of us, as an abdication of reality. one can sense this, in the loss of spatial ability. This is a loss of focus to what is real, the physical. It is a self that cannot move through the  eye-of-the-needle.  This is self in separation from self, and instead a construct of ideas, beliefs and opinions, an inner math of bias, moving as waves of energy through one, so consuming, one forgets to breath. It is visible. If a high school student can sense this, it is visible, it is knowable, and with refocus, it can be deconstructed and changed.  THis is what it means to ebcome a master of self. No one can do this for self, but self.

I notice this in my friend. They are losing skills they had. And yet, they understand on some level that something is out of whack.

What I notice about myself, is a fear of facing a limited morality, of doing the math, despite having practiced this, and moving with greater ease in relation to calling things out by name, by measure, and standing within that. It remains with a color of losing something, even though within focusing in reality, as the practical, and understanding what a more perfect practice builds, as a more direct seeing that has a quality of something powerful and eternal, I still feel that I am cycling within something. 

At the moment, the answer that I have for myself, is that building community is spreading awareness, and that practical tools to balance out that heavy thing in the backs of men, are here. If this were easy, and I looked for quick fixes, I would, in essence, never learn to play this instrument of life, that is me here. The means is the end. To face the storm, alone, means to do the math, to leave this earth, without leaving, as in, to stand within equality and oneness with what is best for all.  That is priceless, and it is a joy too, within the present system, give thanks in directing one’s labor to and towards what enables one to become clear within, to no longer fear ‘ doing things on-the-streets/ within-the-river-banks’ of life, called earth. The momentum has to be built and lived, moving the storms and rip-currents of belief into seeing, realizing and understanding that the physical is the means to the end as life, and that the value is being here, creating. I can, take the inflammation of bias, and ground it into the physical text of real living, where what is natural, as spatial skills, are grounded in reality, never to be lost and instead to improve with the number of years one has on this earth. A master of something showed me how great the gentle is and does, as it is this part of self, that, like water, can sense the smallest of things. Those smallest-of-things are the means to ensure that there is no accumulation of heavyness in the backs of men. 

The process of integrating information, or the unfolding of seeing directly- pulling strings of information Day 725

What does it mean to integrate something, to the point where the structure is so clear it is a reciprocity of reality? How is that process of intimacy? What are the stages?

What I have noticed within playing the violin is that I integrate with practice, and if I focus directly and familiarize myself with the new movement/form/structure/insight it becomes a part of me. There is a moment before integration, where it remains separate, as not yet automated, meaning I can move through the structure or understanding with ease, to the point where I no longer think about it, or, have to recognize its name, where that point of acknowledgement has not resistances as the new insight into creation, or what is here, is accepted in a clear way. A process that moves faster when no resistances of judgement happen. Usually, this means that I could explain this to a 6 year old. The understanding of the thing is such that I can ‘ build’ a stable and steady outline of it- which is almost like creating an entity to be passed on. Ironically, there appears to me to be a point where within learning something new, before it integrates it becomes like an entity, appearing to be a thing in separation from me, yet it is myself building understanding before integration- which could be called automation. This fits, when I realize the degree of violence in a person is equal to the lack of clear structure or direct seeing. Violence can be considered to be resistance.

As I become more aware of what I accept and allow, and write out the patterns of my resistances and as what I moralize as good and bad, I see my own self created entities that I have allowed to define me, exist as projections within me, as the information that is me and as what I use to direct myself, is realized with greater intimacy as who and what I am/have allowed.

Within this process, lately, while interacting with others, it is as though I hear what the person is going to speak before they speak, as though in having practiced deconstructing my own entries of information/memory/value system of a limited morality composed of projections as resistances of what negate values counter to what I have chosen to define me, I find that I am perhaps entering a phase where I can call such structures out by name in others.

This can appear, overall, to be a state of becoming stagnant, yet in a way, it is the train slowing down and reversing itself. In that turn, it can appear to be chaos, as one transforms from one direction of default into something new. Even though, within this, not realizing how we work, and standing within a pillar of what is eternal, can cause mis-understanding in so many ways, as the process of pulling on one’s strings of beliefs/morality can so easily become unbalanced. It is to listen within principle of self directing within what is best for all. I can imagine to some degree that if one can stand within what is eternal, it would be exposing, as holding that, to the point where there is no hiding, there is no running away, because that would be the so-called ‘ brightest light’. This overall, would move within such a subtle unfolding, it would, from my point at the moment, appear to be difficult, yet it is simply the process of inegration of information. We are, in our capacity, great processors of information. Yet, we have mis-used the imagination, and as a consequence forgotten what it means to integrate, as become intimate with creation.

At the moment, I liken this to eating dandelions. At first, this summer, the leaves were so bitter, yet over time there was so much more to the taste, and the initial bitterness was no longer ‘ an elephant in the room’ - or no longer what struck my senses as what a dandelion taste was. Other dimensions of the taste came forward. In our present palette of tastes, bitterness is not something in our diets, if anything it is something we reject and resist and react to. Thus, naturally that is going to be made HUGE. Yet it is not all that exists within the dandelion. Within becoming more intimate with this plant, in taste, there are other aspects coming forward,  as I no longer react so much to what I rejected as ‘ not being used to, as having acted in resistance to'  and notice greater dimensions of this plant. It was a process that unfolded- so to speak. It is a release of resistances- so to speak, as how I see this. Maybe I am nuts! lol

What this means is that what we practice integrates into us. Unless we are processing the information as it is, we create resistances to aspects of things, and cause conflict and friction, Acceptance of all things, would integrate an awareness of what is real, and create an intimacy with reality. There are points in this development where the new information could be mis-construed as an entity, when it is simply a body of information within which one is focused- reactions within this cause mis-takes and unbalanced presence that is in itself separated from creation.

Within this, memory is made so big, because of a mis-use of the imagination. The practice of being present, to see directly reality, is so unpracticed that it appears difficult, when in reality is is more an action of life than what I have made huge, and what is systematized externally. lol, I exist within an astro turf and use inflammatory language, as the means exposing this- I inflame values and reject others, to hold onto an idea about who and what I am, when what I am is life, here. 

Just as I might write out the opening dimensions of the taste of a dandelion to understand the elements of that plant via taste, using my senses in real time, so I write out the movements within me, of my acceptances and resistances, that I have allowed to define me, to become intimate with how I composed myself into a math, a song, an entity, that is in separation from reality, all evident in my own projections and denial of processing information around me via this shield of rejection of myself as life that by design denads constant support in order to survive. Yet, the means to the end, is to use myself as life, and process my acceptances and allowances and to balance them back into what is real, to then move into understanding form and function of here, this reality. And, at the same time acknowledging the entities of information, that become a part of me, and as information I have not yet processed clearly, as I am not communicating this in such a way that a six year old can understand it. This means seeing the forms, within and without, calling them by name, using words ( that order and lend a means of structuring this within).  If I listen, or practice listening, I can stand steady, making that which is huge, small, meaning balanced, and also realizing this is a process. At this point, I see this as a part of processing information, a sequence where one focuses on integrating something new, and finally, balancing it out and building a clear structure, equal to life, within which one can cross reference, with ease, to check, because automating something, without zip-filing through it, can cause one to lose presence with one’s own construction or what one really is- a physical beingness in expression.

Within this, I am moving around, giving others the means to practice seeing the notes as the composition of reality, as the cells, and at the same time, addressing the entities of separation, as the limitations, of and as what is rejected and resisted and what is the dream as what is accepted as a means to survive, this being an entity of information, inflammatory in its values accepted, and resistant to what does not fit the dream, and yet, this can be manipulated to reach into and give what would be an opportunity to move beyond a fear or overwhelming sense of ‘ bitterness’ for example, to see into greater dimensions of the composition of physical reality. Just as I have learned to realize the values of my subconscious layer of information, so must I recognize this in others, and it is there, projected outward, just as I accepted and allowed within me. This is really an entity of information. It is one thing to direct this within one’s self, it is another to begin to move in this space time and realize this in another- AND, then, to become responsible in grounding into reality, as being the model of focus into what is eternal, just as someone I know has done, and continues to be and do, all around me here. What else is there but to become what is eternal? After all, the real nature of life, of creation would be to exist within what is eternal as a starting point.

It is to say, the process of integration is like the processing  of information and at the same time, an unfolding of awareness of what is here. The steps within this, can build entities of experience, that can appear to be real, as reality, when they are not.  I can begin to see where within understanding the process of becoming intimate with reality, or elements of reality is actually fun as one focuses on dimensions of things to build understanding- the flexibility that is self moving through the eye-of-the-needle, and how entities of ideas, beliefs and opinions are capable of seeming to be reality, thus, cross referencing the stages of intimacy/unfolding /integrating the process of this and what is real, is like learning to play a violin. 

In reality, as where mankind is at, this means understanding the world system, our externalized control form, and understanding this within one’s self. This means looking here, seeing what is going on in this world, relating it to one’s actions on the ground, where one’s actions can change to practice what recognizes resource use, as what one eats, what one purchases etc. It means to follow the money, to realize what that money supports, be it a value made huge that is really inconsiderate of all things and the requirement of basic needs of all life to reach its utmost potential, thereby balancing out this world into an order where all things thrive, making this home an estate for all, so our children/seeds can walk/grow wherever they choose, without fear, and with understanding in how insight into how this physical reality works is an unfolding into greater awareness and equality in supporting life, as creation and the potential pitfalls in the integrating/learning process. It is understanding that doubt is simply, not having enough information, not having enough exposure, not integrating what is real, practicing understanding form and function of physical reality.

Thank you for reading!

Behaviors of separation are visible if we take the responsibility to look and do the math Day 719

Yesterday, I walk talking with a man when I noticed how a conversation can bounce, like  a ball moving back and forth in and as knowledge and information. Not all the ‘ knowledge’ is necessarily ‘ bad’ yet it being knowledge and information of and as itself, it is separated from using , or being focused in a real relationship to what exists in form as our system. Meaning, really looking and seeing what is said again and again, to follow the money. 

Money has become a current that is revelatory of what we place value on, and where we then direct our labor, our efforts, our creative force, in the mis-order that is survival based instead of creative based. This order of survival, that chooses to tout knowledge and information - this in itself a dogma of limited insight into the physical reality of what it means to be the potential of self as life. 

This process is one of separation instead of living the potential to assess and relate directly to what actually physically exists around us. How much do we reflect on the present system and what we are, meaning our basic needs? Can we ask ourselves before we go to watch some entertainment on the tele-vision why we are choosing this? Do we do this because we are bored? Do we do this because the current of money flow, which we accept and allow, limits access to materials to possibly follow through with an idea, or a desire to investigate how something works to improve something and eliminate economic stress in our lives, or just because we have a moment where a natural desire to understand something comes up, then when we think about the cost to possibly investigate, we draw back into limitations and instead choose what is cheap, as our entertainment system?

That system not revealing its true cost because it is subsidized via our taxes and insurances- taken control of by another? This would mean that that seemingly ‘ free’ entertainment is not free, because it is taking a natural desire to explore and filling that space, to placate. And the economic system,, which we hold in place, through the actions of our municipalities and service industry as the rank and file system demands no questioning of practices or else one loses that income that is not enough for one to investigate a moment of a desire to investigate and self discover that end ups leading one to the tele-vision and thus loss of potential of self as life. And so the web continues. This has an outcome of a life never lived.  This is a circulation, a flow of suppression. 

What I noticed in my conversation with this person that I started this blog with, was not only how the space appeared to funnel into a narrow focus, but also an absence of the ease that comes with not getting ‘ intense’ , like creating a projected vortex of ‘ vision’ in relation to the information being expressed that was not all ‘ bad.’  I stopped, I looked at myself, because I have been getting angry as of late, in sorting something out, and I allowed myself to let that go, a habit, one of frustration. I decided to accept where I was and what was happening, to process this as it could not define me unless I accepted it. I listened and used my own experiences to attend to the moment. I looked at the space like a piece of music, like a math, of different forms, and realized that it need not define who and what I am, that I am, just as when I performed with a group, processing measure, form, quality, duration, etc etc. It was in this moment that I sensed the focus of the person and at the same time listened to them. I also looked at myself, and that anger suddenly seemed useless. Ironically, later that day, I read a post by Osho, where he states that one need never apologize unless one has become mad. And then, another post where mad was defined as multiple addictions disorders. lol, it was much like this, those dis-orders of anger a projected ideological polarized chain of past events that I have allowed to define who and what I am, my own puppet strings that can suddenly appear before me, when I slow down enough to realize I am in deed projecting knowledge and information to substantiate a limited in-formed entity that is in itself lacking a respect of what is here. Another way to say this is that I have rejected my right to life. 

I realize within this, that I can develop a processing ability, that is a natural ability, in relation to information. And this being a project ( -ed set body) of information as knowledge and information. And then realize its form and measure, its math with or without cross reference and focus onto what actually exists having done and understanding that development into real investigate work is ongoing and within using follow how money flows as a reference point for a moment. It is to say, in so many ways, the current of money shows what is supported, and the banks of this river showing the debris by what is a consequence not shared in the paper castles of this present system. One must actually look at the details of one’s life and what suppresses a natural ability and desire to understand and investigate how things work. 

Making the choice to watch tele-vision, as it now stands, is making the choice to suppress potential and override this potential with a busy-ness of distraction to placate. This appearing to cost little monetarily yet at the expense of one’s real potential and by extension the potential of everything around one.

In having slowed down and walked this process of realizing my own projections, imaginations, reactions, suppression, thoughts, back chats, entities of self definition in a game of survival, I can begin, to see, realize and understand how when another person speaks with me, that they are expressing knowledge and information lacking a real connection to what is here, and a consequence of a lack of this kind of practice overall in human existence. It is like a math, it is like a piece of music, all the parts moving around, some in tune, as some stable and focused and clear, and others coming and going having no real substantial consideration of creation as this physical reality all around us- this that we can reference in every moment if we let go of being mad, as all those chains of ideas and beliefs and opinions that we believe define who and what we are, when that is the ghost in the machine that is a limitation and as an acceptance and allowance of suppression of a natural potential to investigate and understand what is here, even behind this curtain of mathematical manipulations employed by a system that flows money to a few, just as we flow our focus on a limited entity of belief to define us, to allow us to survive, a cheap and destructive and violent suppression of the right to life given as what we are the day we were born. 

I walk away from this event yesterday realizing that getting mad is a distraction, and that I have the capacity to begin to process both separation and the measure of the physical.  Also, that what is free or cheap is not free. Someone somewhere has not received a living wage.  That what is simple, as myself expressing the real potential of myself, is not financially supported, and most probably not as much, economically, as I may think. Right outside my door, is so much. And, there are things that are not costly, that can benefit me. 

Most of what costs is allowing a metered payment, a little bit at a time, over a long period of time, supporting the present system that touts support and yet suppresses potential, a mirror of what we are allowing within ourselves. We allowed this, this has accumulated into a system, this is the consequence of our state of being. The way out, is to see this, to understand this, to realize the need for change, to realize the means of change. That river of money can flow to support the infrastructure of physical reality. The innovations are here, and the ability to sense that desire to discover is here. The paper castle is an illusion, it can only have the power we allow it to have. It is up to us to get the rivers that are drying up, going again and it starts with us, each of us.

This means using one’s will to focus here. This means slowing down and seeing the movements of imagination within one’s self and seeing this as the past, as not who one really is. This means realizing that we absorb what we are exposed to, and that this need not define us, yet can influence us, if we do not take the time to process this, it accumulated and causes cognitive dissonance with seeing the music of here, as this consequence of separation from what is real. It really is not a rocket science, and as all things, it appears to be hard, as change tends to be and do when moving from a set body of measures that have become habituated, into something new. Yet, this is a process of cleaning up mis-takes on life, on living and instead accepting life. One will make mis-takes, as is natural, as what the process of self discovery is and does. Yet to be focused here, in the abundance of reality as the physical, removes the separation dis-orders and by extension the processing dis-orders. Within this, conversations that are a ball of information bouncing back and forth, existing within an alternate reality, meaning  lack of respect for what is here in equality and oneness, will no longer reign and instead our rivers will flow once again with pure water, that is the currency of life.. It is, after all, natural to hear the music of the physical.  Look how naturally we absorb the limited information on the television?