In the last days I notice a growing loopy-ness, as I call it. Meaning, I have a sense of not being grounded, present, here.
It feels like there are too many things to juggle at the moment, like I am pulling stings and balancing them out.
I watch for self pity, blame, spite, anger, anything that does not move into solution, as in bring clarity and discernment in removing discord and stabilizing in ease, as in not having to uphold a lie. In this, I begin to realize what I speak must stand on its own. The value being in the words being a structural guidance that never falters. What I construct with my words, can lye within what is eternal so I never have to go back and correct. It is to say what I mean and mean what I say.
In a world where emotions of value judgement elongate in space and time, and move into nouns, like a ‘ now’ that is not here, and this ‘ noun ‘ is believed to bring renown, I at times, lose all patience. And then I feel like I am beginning to move into some soupy area some might call airy fairyness .
This comes up when I mention music. I find that within this, I open a door to another giving me their story about how they wished they had studied music, or how they played an instrument and, often, gave up. It appears to me to take a really long time to have to listen to this. And, as I say these words, I remember all those times after a performance when I encountered the audience and the long stories and praise about the music and their own relationships with music. At times, after years, I wanted to gag. Here, in my thirties, I realized that it had nothing to do with some talent or some specialness, it was having walked a process, a practice of measuring within the necessary steps towards becoming aware of the means to an end as a physical action right in front of me. the only thing ‘ blessed’ about this is the magic in doing.
I can also relate this to education, to the current pyramid scheme of information access. The information around us is like a song, it moves at a certain measure, a certain beat. What is free, as in our public schools is not really free, and the measure is one of information flow that is extremely slow, metered out over time, as though the metering of information is paid out in relation to access. The more access to information, the more one pays.
Even within class structures this is true, as the more access to others with more access to greater measure, which is greater understanding, the more variations one is exposed to, and the greater the vocabulary one has - as in the greater exposure one has. Thus, what appears to be cheap, is cheap, within and as its very measure of information. One could say, that lesser measure of information is inflated in time and space, metered out, over a greater extent of time, acclimating one to that measure, until it is believed to be a truth. In this we program the physical with what measure of exposure we can pay for. This is how a ‘ good’ as public school education can appear to be beneficial, yet it is not. Were public school beneficial, we would not have the growing elephant in the room, as the varying degrees of attention deficit dis-orders. Ironic how in our words we tell ourselves what we are accepting and allowing. And, our religiously indoctrinated minds, take what we accept and allow through admission, and instead of looking at what is measurably right in front of us, as space and time, we reject investigation, or if we do, we fear to stand, as I have, and instead become reactions of blame. And yet, on some level, this act of blame is an act of crying a measure and then voicing it, where the listener must have great patience for the storm to pass, a storm of limitation, and then direct, giving into the elongated structure and bringing it back into a practice that grounds in common sense, as this is the way and the means to giving as one would receive, which is to give the measurable means to self responsibility. Some will choose the storm of their separation, not yet able to hear though the resonant dissonance.
If we become what we think about, we program our physical bodies, resonantly. I mean, there are cultures of people that believe if a man sleeps with a woman, that that woman is then dirty. In a way this is an admission that we program our bodies resonantly. In this example there is another layer, that if the man is the one who has slept with the woman, than that man is the cause of that considered-to-be-what-dirties the woman. Yet, this whole system of circular thought shows how twisted the mind and its justifications can be- and even made into a truth by the victors that is then programmed into a culture, a measure, a data that builds a societal structure that is obviously not what is best and disrespectful of physical living- that physical living that can be programmed. Obviously, this cultural ‘ truth’ is creating an inferior object through projection of a series of words/measure configured and repeated until it is believed to be a truth, the real action a rejection of self responsibility by the real actor as the screamer, the screamer appearing superior ( yet the more immediate cause of the problem) hiding by projection without onto another object, that object then taking the blame. Somehow, were we not shown this in Machiavellian thought?
I can see all those smoky snakey shadows that move like a mirage through space and time, hearable through the measure as the words, where I lose my patience and start to feel loopy. I become a judgement of a judgement. I begin to get caught up in the storm of separation.
My response to this, over all, is that what is real, as the physical is really free, it is right here in front of me. It is creation information. It is of a stable measure, even if it is cluttered with the resonance of separation as the self interest of men, of myself as I react to limitations around me that are a lack of real self responsibility.
In some way, I could look at this as having to move through a value system that is in self interest, a rest in a measure that is believed to be freely chosen, when it is a choice to use measure to hide from practice into an inflation of one aspect. At, times, during quartet rehearsals, I had to direct back into playing, because avoidance often took time through endless quibble about one aspect of the music being performed.
It took time for me to admit that I did this too sometimes. In the end it is how I learned to see the measure around me, because I had done the same, thus I could not blame, because it might potentially reveal that I was, or had done, the same. lol This creates a silent smokey snakey storm within me, one that I hide through distraction without, or silence myself to remain in the background, praying that no one sees, my prayers like the wizard of oz curtain that I stand behind turning knobs to make my physical body appear to be calm. And meanwhile, I am no longer in the practice of living, respecting the actual physical world. I have become what I despise in others.
Last week I worked with two children. Both were initially reluctant. Then they began to open up. Until we went into reading. Then time and space changed, everything slowed way down and information started to move very very slowly. I wanted to reach out my hand and cut through the mirage. I realize I am this a lot of the time too. The best way to describe this, at this moment, is varying degrees of pressure.
And then, as the information begins to flow, the child opens up, becomes more at ease. More openly shares themselves as though the joy of living has somehow come back. The passage is reread. What I notice here is a sense that the words suddenly are filled with a clarity that has the child sensing that they read slower than they initially read, when what has happened is that space of clarity has brought an abundance of life back into their awareness and they are reading with less stutter and more fluid speed. It is like opening up a portal to life within them.
Thus, when I begin to feel that I am becoming loopy, I have to stop, and realize that I can change into the loop - so to speak- and become it for a moment, sort it out, and take that which is desired, ultimately by all, as becoming a portal to life, and take too elongated inflated values and place them into a practical measure that directs in ways that consider all things and grounds oneself here, to see the real measure of reality as the physical and an understanding that we are creators, be it to create a smokey snake valley of smoke and mirrors, or to participate in real abundance as the real physical world that is freely given as life information in expression right here in front of us, as us, and surrounding us in every way, always, here.
Know your caged mind, and that from which it is composed, to open yourself as life to equality and oneness with and as life as the physical.