Sunday, January 31, 2016

Day 680 The process of what I allow within and as me.

In the process of self forgiveness, in begin to realize how much I determine who and what I am in a moment. Before, I would be so lost in ideas, beliefs and opinions, finding one to define who and what I am. It is like using myself within to form a measure that defines me.  I was not accepting myself as what I am here. It is in effect, following an entity of measure that has no real grounding in the physical practical reality.

Two things I have noticed in relation to this is the movement of myself within, and how this can fixate on a form through the inability of myself to use my will to take in a different measure about something. Specifically in doing number problems! In order to hold a number value within me, and multiply or subtract without the aid of a machine, took a lot of effort. With practice of holding values and doing calculations, it became easier and easier to do. I realized that I was changing what I held as me within me. I asked myself why this was so difficult in the beginning? Why did it appear to be so difficult? What was I holding onto that made the move away from that into reforming what the focus of myself was within me onto the math? I had to use all the will power I had. With practice, things began to change.

This brought up the realization that I, and only me, determines what I am within and as myself. I can allow my scattered focus on ideas, beliefs and opinions to determine what and who I am, or I can slow down and reflect what is around me as a form of information, or an object in my immediate environment, or both! Within this, I can sense what resistances are there in opposition to the willing of myself to focus on what is here. 

No one can do this or us, but ourselves. And, the information about what is practical, is always around us, as this is a physical world. When I sense an inability to focus, I can slow down, assess the resistance, and bring myself here to understand what is here, be it a belief as this action in another or a belief I hold within  myself, or in the physical components of this world here around me. I can do this with words and numbers. And it means, overall, since I am the one who controls this, that nothing can define and determine who and what I am. In the end, I am change, I am capacity, and I am here. 

The point of the destini i process is to slow down, to breath, to script out the measure of what one has accepted within, and to then self correct into what would not only gift one’s self, self direction, but also, practice realizing what actions enable self to become present in reality where it is that one gets things done. This overall, is very self empowering.

This week I attended two gatherings. In one, I heard the statement “ why was I never told this?”  If we are directing ourselves in this world, and we come across information that we react to with such a statement, can we ask ourselves what we focused on that denied us awareness of such information, and then begin to assess how we missed what was always right in front of us? What did we accept as who and what we believed ourselves to be? Where were we?

In the second gathering I described a picture of what behaviors of belief lead us to and towards, in an indirect way, based on my own experience of having lived in my own self interests without consideration towards what I was allowing and accepting as what informed/defined who and what  I am as where my focus rested.  The silence was there, more in a self assessment than a reaction. In this moment it was more of what I was within myself that I want to review openly.  Normally, I would move into fear, into uncertainty in such a silence, because of what I believed was not being validated.  I, instead, breathed, slowed way down, and looked at what I had said, to cross reference my own clarity. My goal was to make something evident as a movement and that was all. I told my story.  I asked myself, could I stand by this and give greater detail if asked. Yes. Thus, I stood within what I had said, grounded, without worrying about reactions around me.  I did not need to build a protection and defense shield, I could remain fluid and present.  

Overall, it is really cool to realize that I determine what I am within me. I can stand here, practically and decide how I am within what I express, and change. If anything, emotions and feelings are gifts to show me where I am inferior to being stable and grounded, and where I separate from being present in what can stand through a scattered self lost in a limited measure in relation to practical reality.  That shield of protection and self defense within me, is my resistance to change. I can as who and what I am, unfold myself within to accept what opens all channels of belief, and reforms into a presence that can be more constant. It is the choice to step off the roller coaster of emotional storms and to process a scattered self into a more stable expression. 

The irony is that the scattered self is a weight that lingers in its accumulation. The self that changes and assesses, reflects and self realizes, moves with more ease, the resistance being the accumulated weight of a lack of real self responsibility. One can become aware of this in the physical body, if one chooses to look. Walking the destini i process, is the means of self realization, and that self realization is the means to open that weight, reform it, and accept a self expression that moves with solutions that empower the self to be more present and self directed in this life, here. 

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