I have been talking a deconstruction of the order of belief, as the construction that sounds itself as the thoughts in and as my mind, as the very measure of my perception within my experiences in my life. The latest deconstruction of what I accepted and allowed has the word compassion that keeps coming up. I have the sense that I used compassion in protection and self defense. And yet, within this, I kept things at bay, meaning I simply did not look. I preferred the remain in some silent place within me. I remember that when I would get sick, I preferred to be left alone, and to climb into myself where there was quiet.
I have this behavior, as in what I have as a from within and as me, as a collection of beliefs that are often reactions to not looking. Not looking means that I abdicated myself. This means that I had to follow because if I did not look, what was it that I then used to direct who and what I am here? Hiding means that to be here, I had to follow something! In not looking, I was dodging, which is a busyness, an occupation, in itself!
If i place myself into the role of being objective about this, and imagine myself facing this state of being in another, what would that be like? What would it be like to face a dodger? It would be like standing on a slippery slope, or walking in a mirage, where what is essentially an inner form - as that state of being- is morphing- moving here and there, moving all over the place just to avoid having developed the habit of hiding, which is dodging, which is moving as beliefs within one’s self, which is not being present in the practical, which is a disrespect of the life around one that is the same as one, that is the same as me. And probably doing the same thing. Hence, being a dodger is like not being grounded, because I am so busy in judgement, for which I cannot remember why and where in exact detail, that not only is this a habit, like running ticking clock that I would up myself, yet also, a separation from my full and true potential. Ironically this means I am running from myself. This means I am occupied with running from life, and the behaviors have the consequence of missing the practical. It creates a scenario where I am occupied with a movie in my mind, generated by me. It is me, running on default. It is me running on and as a fallen self from respecting all things and being here, using this same ability to sense transferred into hiding, that is a compassionate self moving in protection and self defense, fighting against life, against myself.
I remember a time, as I stood in a hallway of an apartment I lived in. I was thinking about my husband, trying to figure out what was going on. I stopped there in that hallway, it was mid-day, the sun, from the long summer equinox days, was really bright and strong. For some reason, I remember that I had seen a mother duck with duckings walking on the sidewalks. Everyone stood to the side and let them pass. Then, there I was in that hallway, with all that light that lasted until ten o’clock at night. The world seemed so alive in that moment, so much bigger than me in that hall way with all that light. It was so joyous the world around me. Then it hit me, for some reason in that moment, that we create everything. Everything that is, is something we create. Everything that exists we create. It is how it should be, that the means to understanding is through creation and that this is the only way.
I notice that my chest tightens up and the voices of limitation spin in my mind when I stop being fluid here, meaning when I begin to use compassion in protection and self defense. This means when I start resisting what is here, not sorting it out, in detail, in specificity in practical terms. This means I begin to blame and to spite, because my expectations, which is self interest, came before slowing down and taking the space and time to realize the measure of what is probably a slippery slope in front of me. I have to move through the eye of the needle, without any fear, and before I make a decision, assess the measure around me, within and without. I have to slow way down and move as the measure to begin to see the form and within this, realize what form, what movement, what state would consider a directive that does no harm, a directive that grounds in practical application in a physical creation, as creation would be a form. To believe that some lighted world on top of the physical is life, is the opposite of life. I mean, do all those lights placed all over the physical, are they the means of the creation of oxygen for you to breath, or is that tree the means of oxygen for you to breath? Those pretty lights are the ideas from an entity within of beliefs, opinions an ideas, that is the self hiding from the physical, from creation, from life.
I have to practice slowing down from following a entity of belief, that I accepted and allowed and created. I have to change my compassion in protection and self defense into assessing this reality, into respecting that tree, in realizing the practical application of that tree, as what is most important, more important than those lights and what they have come to mean as a symbol that is a conjecture composed of beliefs and opinions and ideas, that are in separation from life, from respecting the physical world. And, yes, those lights suck the life from the physical. They will die, simply cease to exist, one the substance of the physical is sucked out in the order of believing that those lights are more than the physical. It really is that simple.
When I tense up in my chest, it is like a switch into spite and blame, protection and self defense, naming a separation instead of grounding a separation into the practical. What I can do, is slow down, say no, say stop, and realize I will lose nothing as the ideas, beliefs and opinions, are not myself being present here. I have to use my will, to place myself here, and to transform myself into being present in respect of the physical world. I have to realize the joy of creation, because it is a joy. I have to bring myself out of that sharply lit heaven I have accepted and allowed as stories of a creator being separate from me that have a consequence of self abdication in self responsibility that are evident in a chatter of spite and blame, self pity with an undercurrent of shame because we all understand that we are doing this, for which there is no excuse, and take back myself as life, as the means to work with and as what I am, which is creation in formation as the physical.
When I tense up in my chest, I am not being self honest, I am occupied with a construction of limited values and the consequential resistance to all things, I am acting in self interest in a survival mode, I am not present here, in equality and oneness which is being self honest as what I am, which is a physical beingness, because this is life in formation, the very means of my expression.
I can write out what I have accepted and allowed everyday, to practice in word creating thoughts composing deeds every day, to script myself back into equality and oneness to and with life as the physical. I can become equal to myself as life. I can practice regrounding myself back into an awareness that the tree is life and the lights are a means to maintain a projection of belief, because the lights are simply lights, they have no other meaning but the spell of the stories projected onto them by others and myself, as that is a state of hiding from respecting and realizing the physical world is life in formation which is creation. My words can become living words, which means my words reference what is practical as what is the application of standing equal and one to the physical.