I played music for so long that I got to the point where when a mistake happened it meant correcting something, that is all. There was no one to blame only the correction to make.
I remember a stand partner, who rushed at a certain point and myself becoming irritated because of this rushing. I could hear how the section was practiced. This player, who was capable, played the section as though it were an exercise. Within this, it means the group was no longer the connection, it was a meter and a line directing the player, without sensing the greater movement of the group. Thus, this stand partner was always a little ahead of the group movement. For me this meant having something else to listen to, the group’s rhythm and her rhythm. It is standing in a space with movement and there are conflicting movements happening. So that I do not become my stand partners ‘ meter in a space’ I had to listen past this player to remain grounded in the movement of the whole musical group. My thought, laced with irritation, was that rushing through a section because one is either afraid of it, or does not really know it well enough (same thing) is not fun, lol, is not fundamental, meaning is not remaining grounded, as in listening to the whole and moving with it. I also thought that this partner probably did not have the time to practice the piece, as the money paid for performing with this group, was not enough to allow that more careful practice.
This stand partner probably had too many other things to do in the name of survival. I know that because one can be asked to perform, and the idea of a payment that includes the time it takes to get musicians together to practice, is something that appears to not be in the awareness of the entities paying to have a performance, they do not seem to remember all the background time spent getting to a point where a person, and especially a group, comes together to make the desired music requested! So many times, I simply sight read themusic, yet, could hear that a greater intimacy and expression could be what was presented if there were but one or even two rehearsals. Everything starts to become a rush job, which ends up compounding over time, into such things as I experienced, as a stand partner who rushes in a certain section, no longer caring, just wanting to get through, even though, this person was probably aware of this, and did the best they could. They were uncomfortable afterwards, a subtle tension happening, which indicates a sense of not being in sync. We are, very aware, and very capable, we know what we do. We hear the backlash of justifications that are like a post balancing act to excuse our actions. This overall, reveals the means to correction is inherent in us at all times. We must become the living math of creation, accepting nothing but what balances us in being present in real time, with here, on this earth. This earth is the real orchestrated creation, capable of balancing itself out, to remain in harmony. lol, remain embracing here, or, wrapping our arms around here. Here is the ‘ oneness’ another word within the word harmony. The ‘y’ being an ‘ i’ as though we are individual and yet one at the same time.
My point here, is reacting with irritation, is self interest and the projection of blame. In this case being annoyed that I have to counter movement with my stand partner, I have to listen to them and the whole, and remain balanced, where it would be more natural for us to move together, more pleasing, as I have had this experience too. Being in synch with the neighboring musician is fun. The being in synch is fundamental and thus more grounded. That feels more stable than countering movements. That I allow a countering movement to disturb me, where I react, is not standing in stability. I should know enough, within experience, to know that listening and remaining stable, within the whole, is a greater state, as it often is then followed, and movements will naturally rebalance in space. Thus, reaction only fuels the fire of imbalance.
This brings me to the point of facing resistances, which are really only ‘ not having the whole story’ or a lack of addressing limitations. It is like getting stuck in a meter, or a measure, as an idea, or the consequence of such practice, as in not being up to a speed of considering some aspects. In this, one is leaving a part of one’s self behind and enetering a bubble of contrasting beats lacking connection to the whole. This separation in turn will be the voice, will be the seeming resistance, and the ensuing justifications will reverberate, just as they have within myself, and as a tension between two people. as that justification happens in silence, yet is present in the space. With my stand partner, it meant a couple of rehearsals where we did not speak to one another, as though we were hiding that past, it being too close to the moment and thus remembered. Things like this happen a lot within the inherent intimacy of playing an instrument, where the body is so focused on time and space. One cannot hide. After all, we have a saying in music that if one can hear the player thinking, they do not really know the piece. One plays in such a way, that the listener cannot hear the thinking.
My point here, is that the state of not being connected, in any given situation, will cause the storm of separation, as all the justifications and beliefs come forward. There is no escaping it. The solution is to never react, as I did with irritation, it only fuels the fire. I must expect the limitations, not allow them to irritate me, and to the best of my ability, listen to what is here, and ground myself within that, telling the real story, bringing it back to myself, as who and what I am as a physical being, here.
I said something yesterday in the presence of two other people. Immediately there was a reaction. The one person that reacted, did not speak, they simply made a grunting noise. lol. I wanted the person to speak up, yet, in some ways they could not. They needed more information before speaking up. For me, it is allowing such things to happen not expecting them or resisting them, as in so many ways I am in an orchestrated set body of information that has lost its connection to the whole. Thus, every move is grounding myself no matter what. This means, bringing it back to self/
What precipitated this blog is a message written by one of our autistic children.
“DARING EACH TALKING PERSON TO WALK IN SILENCE FOR PEOPLE TO USE EDUCATION IN EXPERIENCE. YES. GIVE THE CHALLENGE. TEACH TALKING IS SO MEANINGFUL WHEN YOU LIVE WITHOUT IT DAILY LIKE ME AND FELLOW TYPERS"
Here is the link to the video:
It is that statement of “ daring each person to walk in silence ( and ) for people to use EDUCATION IN EXPERIENCE.
Then, to place this statement into “ teach talking” is astounding, as it means, for me, that this woman is saying to only speak, to only talk, from real experience. It suggests for me, that this autistic person is saying that there is too much speaking about things that one has no real experience with and as, This means that we all talk within speaking memorized theories about things, which have no real substance, and thus, cannot really be heard because there is no real understanding. This means so few speak or move from being present, from experience, from real living. This child realizes that few are really listening, few are hearing the silence, to then speak in consideration of what is here, what is real. She is saying, for me, that speaking from real experience has much greater substance, and thus meaning, and that without this, life is very difficult.
Within this, I realize that when I bring whatever information comes towards me, back to self, back to my living experiences, as practical things I have done, I can tell a real story, one that has greater meaning in that it can be shared and given, as real solutions, even within grounding my own mistakes from speaking as theory before real experience. To do this often means listening to myself and what it means to practice being here, in this reality, on this earth.
In terms of my experiences within music, instead of blaming and spiting, it is to realize how the present system influences outcomes, and to not become irritated, to remain as much as possible within being grounded and stable, to the point where I ‘ teach talking’ through an educing, or education ( of) experience opposed to theory- as something I memorized or lived within my imagination only, without real practical application. With my stand partner, it might have been to say something like, ‘ I sometimes have to become more mechanical than present, because I do not always have the time to practice a section because I am so busy making a living” Such a statement might not allow the space to change this, immediately, yet it will not inflame a situation. Instead it will bring in more compassion, a compass of understanding that in turn creates a more peaceful environment that then causes less tension, opening more space to process this reality. This would change the very nature of the next time a passage comes along that is not integrated as well as one would want, and be played in such a way that there is more awareness of the self in relation to the surroundings, and what then is played, is a ‘ talking’ that is more aware of a real experience. Often such insight opening, in itself, begins a self correction because there is more space and time, than we are aware of when lost in reactions, to live a real change into being more aware, present and grounded. It is in this space that corrections are made, are lived.
Thus, when I talk, when I speak, I bring it back to myself, and I fear nothing, because I am here. I can educate through a talk that is of experience rather than theory. I can cross reference what is real, what has a meaning grounded in practice, in experience. This does not irritate, this grounds. This has not the clutter of an imagination of ideas about things, memorized, without real practice, this has a greater substance, and that is what really educates a person. This is sharing real experience, practical living experience. Of course, this child admits that so many are not listening, and instead talking theory instead of reality. This is what is here, thus reactions and the scream of theory, and the justifications for this theory are all around us, meaning that scream of limitation is going to happen, nothing to take personally, and not something that can define who and what I am. Will I make mistakes, as I am a product of this present system, yes. Well, I did not learn to crawl and to walk, or to play the violin without making mistakes. I am the only person that decides who and what I am, no one else can do that for me. I can become more grounded here, in this living reality. This is who and what I really am.