Wednesday, July 1, 2020

Day 849 Seeing through the emotional projections

I am overusing the imagination! I find myself caught in inner dialogues .. lol die-logues. Like my “ god” of duality being logged or scripted within me, to then define me and resonate outwards where I will constantly validate that construction and lose a focus on reality. I move into a resonant vortex and then call myself a creator, only to realize it is a false god. Can one see where if a group did this some might faint as they move from their daily lives into that group generating one singular construction of belief? 

I interacted with a person close to me and suddenly found myself absorbing their focus. It is like a thing, a real thing in the space, a movement, a mirage.  I caught myself. It is a process towards limiting overthinking within myself. I also see that in some respects I may have suppressed some things. No matter, it is all a part of the process for me.

I remember I was in a classroom and had taught a lesson, had interacted in practice with the students and was at the point where I had the students practice on their own. As I walked around the room, one student looked up into space and “stared” what appeared to be a hole in the space. That is when I saw it, a huge screen in front of his eyes. He was an interesting student because he could do the math given by the system without any  previous instruction. He had the program for this within him. Later I found out he was adopted, because I remember thinking after meeting his parents that something did not make sense. How did I have that thought of something not making sense in relation to this student? What was I reading that I was not aware of in detail in terms of processing what happened, and yet had the reaction when meeting his parents that they did not have that within them that that student had within him? And again the question as to why I do not have this ability under my own awareness to the extent I could stand within that in any moment? I suppose my own ability was a program in itself with movements of visibility to cause more confusion within me. That which is real must be used even in fragmentation. 

I have realized that in those moments when such things happen I am usually calm and quiet within myself. This is what happened yesterday. It was such a sudden moment, and yet I slightly remember that movement of slowing down to listen. I am very close to this person, on a deep level I find it hard to become angry with them in any way. It is like we both know on a fundamental level that such is not real and not a place to go or to hold onto. I am, once again, left with a deep sense of shame. And a sadness in some respects.

And yet, the main thing I wanted to speak about was that I could see the resistances and reactions appearing, even in a much smaller movement. That protection and defense shield. It is almost as though there was a pulling back away from having listened. Which is interesting because I was in Singapore one time. I had been told many many times that it was very dangerous to take two blond headed children to that country. The whole time I was there is was so tense about my children. I kept a rigid eye on them all the time. It was a relief to return to the shop house and have quiet. One day I had left the house and gone to an area where there were banks, to deposit money. That day, for the rest of the day, in the periphery of my thin-king I felt that I had something hanging on me. I could not shake it. At the end of that day, that part of me that gets so sick of things stood on a side walk, as I neared the place I lived, and I stopped and said “no more!”. It was like I followed that string of uneasiness within me. I met a wall and heard a surprise on the other end of it. Suddenly, that presence , that “ person” that had followed us most of the day was gone. The whole sense of heaviness was gone. In one moment. I suppose such instances accumulated throughout my life leading to a moment where I asked the internet for some answers because I was really really sick of what is going on. 

Yet, it is interesting, because in that moment with the person in Singapore, it was like sensing that person was suddenly blocked off. And that is what is interesting about yesterday, because that fine line where I found myself standing with that person, there was a subtle shift. I sensed that this person could no longer look me in the eye, their head turned and looked elsewhere. I don’t really have anyone to  help me with this so I have to figure it out for myself. 

Anyway, I became aware of my own resistances which is most likely why I noticed the difference between the two expressions. It requires an increase in processing movements in living time. And it requires slowing down and quieting the mind. I also have this sense that I entered into some private space. Do we have shields that come up when we notice movements in the periphery of our presence? And, is this more an opening of the heart? What I find is that it is so important to work on one’s words, to improve one’s ability to process the language, because it allows one to focus on more than what is happening within one. One develops a sense of ease in processing the words, and by extension, can process more than what one is accepting and allowing within one’s self. It is just like a computer. One’s desk top cannot be cluttered with reactions as beliefs, opinions and ideas, as desires, wants and needs, one must see that and sense the greater space around one. It is simple, yet the chaos of the present system is meant to suppress this natural ability. We will not really be happy until we resolve this. And it is very practical, that is the great irony. And it reveals the absurdity of being a fractionalized resonant shadow of beliefs that have that quality of energy, meaning they rise and fall in relatively limited order because what is not real cannot stand with any constancy. And yet we are so used to standing in that, that anything else appears to be a no-thing because it lacks the addictive excitement of the spinning picture show within.

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