Day 99 expectation

Day 99

In the last days, within walking towards a change I notice myself feeling sad, like a big wet blanket shrouding myself here. It is the fears and the expectations I have that I have to accept are myself wanting as mind, needing as mind. Like a soaked rag of tantrum in that the world is not responding to the fairy tale of imagery as expectation. Meanwhile non of it matches what is here, and I have lived enough to realize that the fairy tale is only ever a part of the story. Thus, is the dream excluding so much of life, just as there starving are being denied even the slightest experience of life, of self development. I am living an illusion as non awareness of myself as life, like I have the most amazing tool as the human physical body and this world to move and express and instead I turn and choose a dream, imagining myself to within a simplified picture of myself sitting in an “amazing” technological device, when I have this right here, as myself, as a physical human being on a physical planet.

Expectation is looking out and not moving within. I keep getting to this point and I find myself blank, staring, no knowledge and information will serve, there is only moving myself here, like the wet rag is there, but it is not a choice, it is the illusion. And I am afraid of the other.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel tired, to want to sleep: a sleep that is resistance.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel like I am standing between not wanting to move ( literally and figuratively-as in self honesty) yet the choice of pretending to a care actor is ignorance of what is real and thus not a value to be lived, a complete lie in separation from what is here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear both rejection and acceptance in and as being self honest, where being self honest is becoming self responsible and thus standing absolutely within what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the uncertain will remain uncertain until able to stand in self honesty, and will be a barrage of the voice of uncertainty and unless I am stable within and as self honesty, I will be moved by this, just as I am moved by the idea of this here, as I write myself out, thus I fear my own self responsibility.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not what i think, and it is not what another thinks, in and as the mind, but with absolute certainty, as the living word, as the directive as what is best for all, the principle of oneness in equality, in and as breath that is what is real and uncertainty is only the separation of self from what is real, self as the sound of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to cling to expectation, to want a road laid out before myself here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that  road laid out is a map, and thus a desire to know, when life is here aware of itself, where man has placed an idea of unknowing, just as the word suggests, the “know” is here, and the un has been added on, where to not know one must first know, thus is life here and only been rejected in and as a belief that life cannot be understood or known.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that also within unknowing is the act of no longer existing as an no, as the being of myself as negating myself as life, in and as being a memory, an image in and as my mind in separation from life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the physical is the tool to exist as the knowing that is me as myself here, as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see , realize and understand that this sense of sadness, as the wet blanket/rag I allow to envelop myself here is myself  standing before my mother taking the mice and flushing them down the toilet, where I am asked to ignore what is real, what is here, and accept a fear, accept an idea, accept that this earth is “dirty” is filled with “wrongs” and that should I see mice as life, I will be treated with the action of hysteria, I will be corrected to fit within the values of belief that the natural world is the diseased, when in fact it is the minds of men that is the disease.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the machines of men, built with blinding headlights, stringing paved roads all over this earth on which to impose a blueprint of right and wrong, dirty and clean in and as ideas and beliefs that maintain an energetic grid that sucks this earth dry and depletes the soils of earth that are the life of earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am powerless in the face of the energy of the mind.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that it is the roads of men built on the face of this earth where the roadkill and the dirt exists, as it is the  dirt when placed on the earth that is the building blocks of life, rendered lifeless and “dirty” when placed on the surfaces built by men.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have sunk in that moment, to have sunk into and as giving up in and as myself, to have felt so powerless and to have had my hopes of surprise and awe of the mice to have not been lived, as I had experienced the opposite of my expectation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have not considered the baby mice being baby mconsciousnessice that, in being babies, required the care of their mother.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become a character of hesitation, to be hesitant with others, to feel them out, to avoid a reaction of hysteria.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have also become the opposite , where at time I would say things to shock people, just to create the same shock I had experienced, and thus become spiteful of my own accepted and allowed behavior and wanting others to be the same, as though it made my own behavior seem justifiable because everyone else did this as well.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abuse nature, the earth.

I commit myself to realizing my own wet blanket created to absorb the crying of myself in fear.

I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that this blanket absorbing my tears, is myself absorbing my fear and carrying this as myself here, hiding in the face of beliefs, opinions and ideas that have created the nature of a species known as man, as the object on this earth in separation of life.

I commit myself to  realizing that one action in and as my past does not define myself here.

I commit myself to breathing, to remaining here, to not define myself within idea, opinion and belief, to not become the character within a play of morality taught by and as and of  the confines of a system of borders competing for survival on an earth that gives plenty.

I commit myself to realizing all belief , opinion and idea bordered within survival are divisions from what is actually a land of plenty as this earth, an illusion accepted and allowed by a mind developed as the image and likeness of fear of self responsibility as self honesty as self as life, here.

I commit myself to realizing that the pavement of men, cannot exist without the earth.

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Day 34 Competition amongst women.

Day 34

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I need to compete with other women.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I need to compare my self to other women.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that a younger woman who has a husband is more than my self because she has a husband.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that an older woman who has a husband is more successful that my self because she has a husband.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to think that a woman with a man is more than my self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to allow the back chat in my mind to have any significance, as these thoughts that these woman with husbands are more than I am because I do not have a husband have any significance as these thoughts are of a limited design that does not include the being of my self here as life, where I am life, as I am here within this physical body wether or not I have a husband.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel less than because I do not have a husband

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that having a husband means that I have less value than a woman with a husband.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to label my self as husbandless.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to exist as an act of comparison to another where I am not even listening to the words being spoken and instead am labeling the other as having a husband, instead of being here one and equal to what is said, and taking this and applying the principle of oneness in equality where I direct what is spoken towards what is best for all, to become the living word where life is supported and thus myriad expressions are what becomes what is lived and not the singular idea of an object labeled as “having a husband, or not having a husband” as the measure of what actually physically exists.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see/realize/understand that one of my children could one day be a “wifeless” or “husbandless” person, where I would want them to not feel less than or more than because of a marital status, and that what I would want for them is to be themselves as an expression of life, to live a life in dignity and become self perfected beings.

I forgive my self for taking it personally that I am no longer a part of the “dinner party” scenario as I was when I was married, not realizing that there was never any “single” people at these dinner parties.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I was taught to believe married couples were the norm, a man and a woman together, where being involved with alternate life styles meant I was participating in a subculture as though, as the word suggests, I was not apart of the mainstream culture and thus there was something lacking within me as a person, when this does not make any sense, because people with out a heterosexual partner are still people who shit, and breath, and fart and go to work and movies etc. and are in fact no different than people with a husband and/or a wife.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that another woman can be more than or less than my self, where in fact another woman may have a developed skill that I have no development in, where this does not make this person more or less than my self, where I can come to understand another expression as life from this development in this person, and that any woman who acts superior is labeling themselves as more than based on developed skills and thus, is acting as ego and not present in and as listening to words spoken.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see/realize/understand that comparison and label limit and stagnate existence as they continue the belief that the human is not a living, physical, expressing entity able to learn and direct itself, to expand, and become aware of how this physical world actually works.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to also place value judgements on what is being said, comparing what I have said to what other women have said and then judging what I have said to be more than or less than what has been said, where I am both making comparisons as to how other women are dressed, what their level of profession is, and what they say as a contribution to the conversation where i then compete to find something to say that is accepted as valid, and noted by the group of women, which is my self existing in competition and not being present as what is best for all within the principle of oneness in equality, as what is best for self is best for all, where what is considered is that I am one and equal to all women, and thus anything said or done in competition does not consider equality as what is best for all, where if I realized in every breath that I am one and equal to all women as life, what would be considered within every breath  would be supportive for my self and all women, as well as the small baby women being born into this world who are one and equal to me as life, no matter where on earth they are born.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see that when I compare I am existing with a limited set of values, and thus not considering my self as life, one and equal to all life on this planet, and thus in being comparison, I am spiting life, and blaming, be lame towards life, for what exists on this earth as a game of survival within a system that values profit over life, a system that attempts to own unconditionally given life sustaining resources for self interest believing this to be free will, when this is the will of limited insight and unequal consideration, a non awareness of this physical world being an expression of life, where life is the value.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see that in being a judge as being comparison I perpetuate inequality existent on this earth and miss the abundance of expression available within this physical world as my learned values I use to make comparisons are of limited insight as they are based on a system that values profit over life.

I commit my self to breath, to realizing that I am one and equal to all life as I am life, here within this physical world where this physical world is a means to become one and equal to all life here, the eye of the needle to self realization, self honesty, and self responsibility as life.

I commit my self to self forgiveness, writing and corrective application to remove the limited design and consideration of life that the I as the ego of my self in separation, spite and blame towards life, as I consider what supports my self as ego within a game of inequality that allows money to determine who lives and who dies.

I commit my self to  realize that reaction to ego supports the suppression of life that presently exists on this earth as ego is a reflection, and thus a cause and effect ( when allowed substantiation through participation) of the continued abuse to women and baby girls that have no opportunity to become self perfected beings one and equal to this physical world as they are born into a system where some have access to earth’s resources/money and others do not from the day they are born determining the length of their life, access to education, and the means of a dignified existence.

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