Day 265 The abuse of a lack of presence equal to the physical

An interlude (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I realize that when I am directly working with another person, I really tend not to judge them as much as when I am at a distance.
For example,I lived below an elderly woman who was probably on “blood thinners” because she would get these nose bleeds and show up at my door, blood running profusely out of her nose, asking for help. I would help here, I did not even think twice about the blood that was going everywhere. I just dealt with it, did not think about it.
After helping her and going back into my own space, it was then that I had reactions based on an idea of her blood having gotten onto my hands etc. Which went against all common sense, and even against my immediate reaction to her blood. What needed to be done, to help her, in the moment was all that i did, and if it meant getting some of her blood on me, so be it. I didn’t think about it.
Yet, afterwards the imagination went crazy, with fear, as play-outs of possibility. All kinds of conversations/thoughts running wild. Why does this woman come to me - what can I do, what if I catch something from her blood, how could I have touched her blood, why does she not call the paramedics, she just wants attention. So far in my life, as far as I can tell, when confronted with the immediacy of a situation, such reactions as my thoughts, are not even listened to. Do I have at least some integrity left, where common sense practically within the moment, is what continues to direct me?
I take this and I relate this to racism.
In my son’s fifth year of elementary school he had one black boy in his class ( now my children had grown up with a neighbor who was black and he was very close to my children). I think it was mid-year when my son started to come home and say to me , Mom, I am always working with X ( X was a black boy). I asked some questions but did not make a big deal about the situation. It was when my son persisted that I started to look at the situation some more.
What I found out was that the teacher paired students together during work, and my son was always paired with the black boy, and he had started, after half a school year, to want to be paired with others as well, not ONLY X.
Just about the time that I realized this, and I may have told my son to ask the teacher to pair him with other students as well, that the teacher called me and said, “ Your son is being difficult, he does not want to work with X.” So, I asked the teacher, has my son worked with X all year?. Is he not just asking to have some variation?”. This is when the teacher said to me, “ The other children will not work with X” ( now there are two levels here, one is that X was evidently not a very focused student and the other was that he was black) .
So, I said to the teacher, “ You mean to tell me that my son has to always work with this boy because none of the others will work with him?” , “ Are you allowing other students to form different pairs?”, “ Has my son worked with this boy all year?”, “ Is he just asking to have a chance to work with a different person, as he sees others doing, possibly?”
It did not matter what i said this teacher, like a fucking robot just kept saying the same thing to me, “ My son, is refusing to work with X”, “ He is being difficult”. I was astounded. To say the least.
I knew all the parents of these children, there were others boys that did the school work, there were other possibilities. There were parents of children that were “upstanding citizens of the community” in this class; one was the son of a teacher, and the other was a son of a successful business in town. There was no reason why the pairings could not exist within some variety.
I was simply asking the teacher to allow some variety, as what my son had seen and asked for.
Even when I pointed out that what she was telling me was racist, she persisted, she just kept saying that no one else would work with X - and even within this, if my son worked with X because the work got done, as X had difficulty in doing the work, having my son work with this boy because of this was in no way helping this boy begin to be able to do the work himself. This is racism intellectually as well, in assuming a situation where this boy’s inability to work was not addressed. Criminal really. And my son was being made out to be the criminal, despite all common sense being asked, it was completely ignored and no matter what i said this teacher seemed to not be able to stand outside of what she was saying. I ended up explaining to my son that all of this was really messed up and that he would have to work with this boy, because he was being made out to be the “ bad guy” and the ignorance was so thick, it was not worth it to fight this battle, even though I had made it clear to this teacher what she was saying. I got to the point where i would speak my mind, and then let it go, because the push back was of such ignorance, I alone could not change this.
In the class year book, this black boy X had, when asked the question of who he wanted to be when he grew up, “ I want to be Willy.” That is really sick. Some might make this into a “Hallmark moment” but this is NOT what this is. This is fucking sick, that a little black boy would perhaps finally have another boy look at him like a person, a boy that had no qualms about the color of his skin because he had had a childhood friend who was black and had never encountered aversion to a black skinned boy, and when he saw others in the group doing this, started to want to do something else, ( for various reasons , some of which were because of the racism) and thus was becoming aware that being with a black person meant not being able to be with others, as the reactions of others against this, meant that my son had then to become this too. How in the hell can a child deal with this? And being alone at that? These pressures, and this ignorance in lack of common sense of what is here! What other pressures exist on our children, so seemingly subtly enforced through silent borders not called out by name for what they really are? And is the conditioning the same, within myself, in that no matter what I said to this teacher, she just kept repeating the same ignorant party line of accepted ignorant division?
Now that i have ranted about that, back to my original point.
So, I was working with this young “black” boy. I reach out and I touch hisi hand ( his mother was there). I have no qualms about this boy, in the moment, he is simply a boy, a person, flesh and blood.
So, in this same elementary school, there was a scene with this “black boy” i am working with. He had evidently shit in his pants while in kindergarten one day, at recess.
Now, this boy had some anxiety problem, where he would hold in his feces. How this developed, was not discussed, not looked at, as we humans get emotional about everything, and do not look at how our physical bodies work in common sense, and give names to things, such as something like shit being disgusting - not realizing that shit is food waste and nothing else. (I can hear the retarded thinking that if shit is not disgusting then…. which means you are being emotional if this comes up within you, and you are a walking judgement without common sense)
So, this boy, who happens to have black skin, and some “held in anxiety” that affects him, which happens to be intestinal, during a point of calm, recess, suddenly defecates in his pants. What does the teacher here in this school do? She gets angry with this small human being, and tells him he did this on purpose, and makes him stand in the middle of the room until his mother comes to fetch him. Incredible, a teacher who cannot deal with shit- would she have done the same if this child was the son of the police officer parent, or teacher parent in the school? Of course not.
And it goes on and on, as I am here telling this story of no life, and I was told this story of no life, again and again by a distraught mother, meanwhile the same tension exists within the child. So nothing has been addressed, and the emotional anxiety continues via a memory, to be told again and again, the hurt being carried around like a burden. And so it goes. And this is so thick , this none common sensical action, that seeing through all of this and correcting it seems nearly impossible.
But this moment, the immediate, the here, this moment, when the blood is in front of me, and that little black hand is here, right in front of me, this blood is blood, this old woman needs help, this child is a child, the skin darker, yet the child is a human with a hand just like mine. In these here moments of common sense with what is actually simply real. All the thoughts, and the ideas and the fears and the emotions, are not real, they are ideas of something other than it is, they have no awareness in common sense of any dimension of life as what is physically real, not seeing what is actually here and how here functions in common sense, and placing a judgement onto something based on ideas lacking insight to what is physically real and how the actual physical functions, are imaginations based on no -looking, based on secondary borders of self interest, based on ahierarchy lacking understanding of the actual physical world, ideas that are superstitious, beliefs that are based on character development bred in a history of economic division, where the lack of physical support as a human, leads to diminishment in health and development, this then being carried out genetically as this lack develops physical diminishment, as the separation from “wholeness” remains until aligned. Which means that even a lack in vocabulary is passed from one generation to another ( and this in abody that resonates what is taught, as all that water with which the human is composed of the influence of one’s original home life and then stagnant) THis is the sins of the father being physically carried down with each generation based on environmental and social exposure inequality that was never ever taken care of, in ignorance of this actual physical world.
We are all the same. Yet we have imposed beliefs, ideas and opinions, in lack of common sense of what is real, this actual physical world, the gift of life.
Blood is blood, shit is shit, pigment is pigment, health is health, the physical requires proper sustenance - lack of proper sustenance leads to dis-ease - a LACK of ease.
In being racist, one does not only hurt the one being judged, one hurts self and all generations of children to come.

In fearing to clean up shit because it comes from a skin with pigment, the ignorance of self within how the actual physical works, where that child had developed an ignorance of self physically and created dark shadows of this in fear of understanding what was physically going on, as the emotions of the adult were what was shouted and cried, this being what was embedded within this child, lacking all common sense, and thus carried into kindergarten as never having been worked through in a stew of others being the same, one big fat compounded mess of separation from what is real, this physical world. This behavior, that is ignorance, that is what our mind consciousness is showing us, a tool to see what we have not seen in equality and oneness as what is real as the actual physical world, this behavior, as the one being the victim, of the one being the bully of limited awareness, perpetuates abuse. Abuse is ignorance. Period.
Simple.
This has to stop.
This economic hierarchy must be removed by what placed this here, what allowed this, what perpetuates this, which is the human, which is man.
The means are available to take care of life, to allow life to exist within full development. The means exists to allow life to be life, here, in expression.
Racism, classism, elitism, nationalism, is all a judgement in separation from life, all of it.
The behaviors that exist, are caused by lack, in not allowing healthful sustaining practices and in perpetuated beliefs that are a mirage embedded in the physical, a physical body able to hold resonances of limitation, energetic non sustaining, insubstantial movement that is the separation from life, as it is not living equal and one as life. What does not sustain, what is not realizing the physical and how it functions in common sense, is diminishing life, and this is the system at present on earth.
Time to wake up and realize beliefs, opinions and ideas are separations from life, they are what in self ignores the actual functioning of this physical world.
Thus, support of a system that equalizes care to all of earth, to all that is here, is to stand and support awareness of the physical world as life, as what is life, this meaning that all is life. Everything.
The only way to clean up life, is to take care of life, all of it, equally. This means this physical world.
Equal Money Capitalism is to realize this, a structure to realize this, to remove the superstitious judgements ignorant of this physical world. The mind dramas as picture shows are not real, the fantasy has nothing to do with what is here. As the mind takes pictures and if these pictures are composed of emotions and feelings, desires and wants ( just thinksexual obsession) these emotions and feelings and desires, obsessions, are a distortion of reality and thus a separation from what is real from what is fulfilling as life. Just as that child lacks in sustenance and is unable to develop to just BE, so that imaginary desire is never fulfilling because it is not considering what is physically real. Thus, the superficialis illusion, in separation from life. Yet, the simplicity of being one and equal to the physical world, would be fulfilling. It is like we are existing, in being mind only as memory, in reverse of life. One is perpetual seeking and longing, and the other is actual living where no more longing could exist.
Strand up, and support Equal Money Capitalism, take what is here, as being what supports life, and use this capital to support the value being life, where life is what is the capital existent on earth, as this is the real value, here.
The rewards of such a system benefit all. This is simple to realize if one takes the time to look. Slows down, uses common sense and actually looks.
There is a course, provided for free, by desteni, to walk one into seeing how emotions, thoughts and feelings are the reflection of self in separation, as judgement, as mind only, as what is determining this world or abuse. Thus, can one begin to realize self's existence in reverse of life.
Desteni I Process Lite. Check it out.

Day 81 Fear of Attack

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create a hollywood movie in and as my mind about everything in and as my life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that all the movies as stories in and as my mind are a coloratura of a belief, opinion and idea of more than, in separation from what is actually physically here, where these embellishments are made real, and the actual physical world is ignored, where the actual physical has more embellishments and coloratura than any mind imagery could possibly “en-vision” in and as my mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have created mind movies and stories to support myself here, as I was afraid of here and within this actually became a “raid” of here, as taking from that which was forgiving, as what I am, and using this to hide in a separate reality, as a separation, from directing myself in and as, one and equal to, what was here as myself, this physical world.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that many of the movies in and as my mind where/are of hope, where I sought a dream of success and accolade by and with my imaginary audience, following the dictates of a world that glorified in bright lights fame and FORTUNE, meaning the accumulation of money to survive.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see that in maintaining this alternate reality, mind movies as what motivated myself to move here within this physical reality, I denied myself myself as life and thus denied myself one on one interaction with all of myself as all that is here, as all that is here is an expression of life, one and equal to me, and thus different parts of myself as varied and more fluid than any alternate reality limited and stagnant mind imagery.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in allowing myself to exist as my mind, I abdicated myself as life to singular two dimensional energetic dream land imagery and thus began chasing an idol and left all the joy of myself as life, depressed and suppressed, confined and sequestered into and as a tiny coffin as a box of shadows, composed of emotions and feelings and thoughts, a web of strings woven with worry beads of memories, from which I pulled experiences from my past to direct my future, all the while ignoring what was actually here in and as this physical world of which I am one and equal to here as this is myself as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the self forgiveness, writing, and corrective application process, as the DIP course offered by desteni is to clean up this alternate reality, to bring myself as life back to what is real, this physical world, to stop the mind imagery from taking the life in and as me, where I end up committing suicide as this is what all dis-ease - as dis-ease is separation from life- in fact actually is.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that in being a desire I am in ignorance of this physical world, as no real “god” would deny life, and thus is life here, all that is needed is here, it is only an idea that I desire, where this very idea as desire is used within this accepted and allowed profit based system to create and build an army of followers for the few who have developed characters that allow them to take all that is here for their mind alternate reality existence manifestation, and everything else that is here is made to serve the alternate reality movies and stories of the few, where this is not even this “elite”  ( those whose energetic lights have full feeding resource for their “lights” - lol)  groups real self expression as life, themselves not existing in and as the full capacity of themselves as life in and as the real joy of life as life is oneness in equality, as this is what will bring heaven on earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand  that denying the physical world is the ultimate racism, where the human knows that racism is a survival-defense mechanism on a grand scale, where one color is pitted against another, this being used and enflamed to allow a few alternate reality movies and stories to sit in luxury and watch their dream performances in physical comfort, while they are slowly diminishing to come to the same point of death as the mind alternate reality when the physical can no longer support the alternate mind reality movie.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that within myself, allowing and accepting myself to feel sad about this is myself as belief in and as sadness, and not myself being here, one and equal to what I am, the physical, in absolute equality and oneness, where the strings of separation, as the strings of accumulation , where I have depressed myself into and as emotion, thoughts and feelings that are separate from what is actually here, as this physical world is the real instrument of life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that this is too hard to decompose, these collected experiences in and as emotions and feelings collected into an album in and as a collection of characters developing a personality with which I project what it is that I am onto this world in order to survive within a system of inequality demanding subservience to limited ideas, belief, and opinion to allow a few a fully air conditioned, plush movie theater to view their movies composed of their past, where sex is needed and turned into an expression of release of built up energy and no longer the self here, expressing self as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my emotions, thoughts and feelings are my collection of beads I spin in and as my mind, my religion bracelet,  bought and utilized to keep me within a limited system to profit/survival, in separation of myself as life, as myself as the physical, as how I have allowed my physical self to direct myself as life here, where the outcome is dis-ease resplendent as what is presently existing on this earth, an existence of myself in separation from myself as life, as breath, as being one and equal as this physical world.

Within this, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that any desire of gain is myself in separation, as in wanting more, I am not one and equal to what is actually here as what is here is life, as myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that all jealousy, spite, blame is myself defending my own separations, defending my own imaginary world, my own stories, my own movies.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize I am a character of fearing attack.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am constantly being attacked.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have movies in and as my mind of the potential of attack by a race, by another cultural ideology, by what my neighbor believes to be what is more than, by what my family believes to be more than, by what men believe to be more than.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that within this I am defending what I believe, remaining stagnant within an idea and not looking at what is actually physically here and directing myself within common sense that we are all same, and thus what is best for all is the only choice, as this sameness of life, where the values - as belief , opinion and idea, are - are simply this, a different color, no single one greater than the other.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I am only being attacked if I allow myself to be, as this is myself defending instead of being one and equal to the principle of what is best for all, as what is best for me, is best for all, as I am one and equal as life, to all, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that a survival/profit based system, grabs all resource for the gain of the few, thus within this system on this world, takes all support and defense away from many, leaving them to suffer in a world where there is plenty, as enough to support the life that is here exists.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that 52% of the American GDP is used on defense instead of as support for life, which is leading to a dis-eased existence for what is on this planet, and thus, I as myself, with the resources being pulled towards defense for the few to profit, am as an American becoming economically depressed - which is what war and defense is really about which many soldiers are now standing up and saying is unacceptable and where many soldiers cannot participate within as most soldiers on the battle front are unable to shoot directly at their supposed opponents and thus what the system does is create an indirect video game out of war by creating drones where men sit in a box on a distant continent and shoot at civilians that are basically in the way of the resource, and then these same men playing essentially what appears to be a video game, go home to their children as though their children are greater than other children, when these same men do not even understand where they come from and leave this understanding up to some imaginary god they have never seen.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the same system that builds the guns within this world, which must be the top 1% of this world that owns all resources, and thus know full well where they want their guns sent, as war is about resource acquisition despite life,  needs the support of men, and as men, it is up to us to stand and realize conflict and war are not life, so easily seen and understood in the fact that most men in war are unable to shoot directly at their supposed opponent as they realize that all that is here is life, and it is only greed that is the creation of defense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that I have been programmed by a system of greed, creating an illusion of lack.

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding my own defenses based on beliefs , opinions and ideas, where what I believe I can lose is the illusion.

I commit myself to remaining in and as breath, and as I walk my day, to step out of the character of believing myself to be attacked, and to practice addressing the belief in attack by others, to practice speaking within and as breath in common sense of what is best for all, visible in myself and/or the other relaxing within themselves almost like a sense of relief to no longer have to support what is known as a temper tantrum of gain in separation of what is real.

I commit myself to breathing with every step here, to self realize oneness in equality with and as this physical world.

I commit myself recognizing my own line of defense characters and stepping out in union with breath to no longer participate in protecting a personality, as a persona is a projected and accepted movie of self in separation from life.

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