Day 585 Believing that I Have to Say Something to Prove my Worth. Self Forgiveness

This point of believing that I have to say something.

This came up and it is in my left inner thigh above the knee.

It is like an entity that wants to jump forward, to grab attention, as in allowing myself to remain in the game. Like this is what I am supposed to do to participate in the world and make myself known, and by this I mean even on a small scale, as within a small group or talking with another person.

A memory comes up with a friend who was a pianist, who had played for more years, applied the craft for more years/hours than I had at my craft. So, when I was in her presence I felt that I had to say something. Which means I felt inferior, or was busy judging because I accepted and allowed a stance of inferiority, instead of remaining here, in practical application within common sense. It is know that it takes 10,000 hours to learn to play an instrument, thus learning, becoming aware of something as its shape and form, takes time, takes steps, building understanding, as the actual physical world would be. It is to say, we live in an actual existence, physically manifest. Thus it is to investigate all things and take that which is good, take that which makes sense, as in causing no harm.

This is always, all ways right in front of us. So, to note here, that a physical world that can build cars and transport these cars to all places on this earth, means that we can transport what is needed where it is needed, and we can get the goods and services needed to organize this earth into a functioning unit of life, as this is what it is, because it is a physical order, visible, actual, here.

It makes no sense, that in a country where there is so much land, and so much resource, human and environmental, that there are bathrooms in elementary schools where children do not have the most basic of needs, such as toilet paper. That outside on the fence surrounding the school, there is all the while a large plack, with the name of a corporation boldly advertising their logo, touting a good, but missing the most basic of needs. It is enough to wonder what is being taught in such an environment, with such a capable physical form as that of the human. There is no excuse for any of this, and it is time that it stopped.

That memory, that entity that rose up as  a past self accepted actualized belief in the form of energy with no real sustainability, rising and peaking causing an emotional storm of dis-empowerment lacking all common sense of seeing directly here, this within me as what I had accepted and allowed, an inferior stance because I had not investigated practical reality, and  instead raced to become superior within my bubble of belief in thought, word and deed. This is for me to being back down to reality, to actual physical expression of life, as this is the real life where I exist, as this is the gift to become equal and one to and as life. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become inferior to life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compensate as belief within and as my mind as a thought, as an idea that lacked investigation into practical reality, a physical reality, becoming inferior based on an idea to another, because I compared myself to a step in a process way down the line from me, and instead of looking practically at the steps needed to be walked to get to that point of development, I judged myself as inferior, and then tried to compensate to make myself appear superior, and felt that I had to speak up to become of equal measure, an act of ignoring practical reality here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compare myself to another, instead of looking at the measure of expression, meaning the steps needed to become aware of something, the practice of becoming aware of something, practically.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must always say something, to substantiate myself here, in self interest without reference to life, as what the physical is an expression and means of.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to disqualify practical physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to rush within myself, in thought and deed of words to create a value for myself where I project in words a more than for myself an order of comparison, which is being competitive, as a belief that I must appear to be a good as or better than another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that within this I am in effect creating, but this creation is of a lesser state of being, as it is an act of self interest based on an idea of more, and as such, myself inferior to practical physical life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from here, from actual living, which can only be here, within this breath here, in this moment here, as this is where the practical is walked, to build understanding and an actual practice of common sense.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being less than another, to have allowed this to become greater than life itself, as the physical, where the gift is to walk into awareness of what it means to be physical expression of life.

When and as I find myself wanting to prove that I am not inferior to what is around me, I stop and I breathe, and I slow myself down, to see realize and understand that self awareness means to be equal in understanding to here, in an actual physical expression as what life is in reality.

When and as I find myself beginning to speak out and up from a starting point of self interest based on a value judgement done from comparison within a limited value system, as belief, I stop, I breath , I slow myself down, until I am stable within and as breath here, and I look at the actual living physical reality to see, realize and understand in thought, word and deed, what is best for all, which is to take that which is good and does no harm, as each is me, in another life, thus the only choice is the choice of what is best for all here.

When and as I find myself moving into competition, wanting to move into a more, an energetic movement within and as me, I stop and I breath, and I slow the rush to a morality of more, built of limited values as good and bad, where the bad is what does not define my accepted limited self definition and the good is what I believe creates a value as a self definition, an overall outcome of separation, limited as a narrow focus as mind in relation to actual living expression as what the physical is, here.

When and as I find myself wanting to appear, as words, to be more than that which I have made myself inferior to, I stop and I breath, and I look here at practical reality, to see, realize and understand the practical, common sense steps of what it means to investigate and practice the building of awareness to master something, to know something enough to share the information of it in such a way that each is self empowered to be and reach their full potential, which is supporting life and realizing all resources, including human, as having the value of life, here, where each part realizes the full potential of life within, creating a world that is the actual of best for all.

Day 584 My Personality with Women. Cont. Self Forgiveness

 I return full circle to the point I started from, the friend that I remember having easy laughter with. And this sense that it is okay, I no longer have to protect myself from reprimand or the judgements of others, the internal self definitions feared being lost, one that appears to maintain a state of feeling happy, as a value has been used to substantiate instead of the value being here, being life. Thus, I determine who I am within what I allow. And in this instance, if I am with a woman, and I move into worrying about whether that person/woman is happy, I look to how I am manipulating myself to see if that woman is happy within, so that I am secure from harm, and I realize that I am as well, protecting myself from an imagined possibility of harm based on a past of being a child, where children really have little say against the beliefs as personifications of the adults in their world. So, I stand in common sense of what is practical, in a physical world, and direct myself within and as the principle of what is best for all, and remain stable within this, to enjoy being here, as it is being here, in direct seeing with the physical, that is being equal to the value being life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must be acquiescing to the emotions and feelings of others, as an end point.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must cater only to the emotions and feelings of others to ensure that I am protected.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the wrath of a woman scorned.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to, as a reaction to fearing the wrath of a woman, distract myself from looking here, being practical here, and instead manipulate a situation  to damn up the fear of loss, as not acting in ways that substantiate the self ideology of a woman, which is in reality, as what I have accepted and allowed, damned not only myself but also the woman/women.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being practical, here, which is to fear being myself here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in serving the emotions and feeling of another, a woman, I am in self interest, guarding my self from an imagination of loss, and within this separating myself from my own common sense of practical reality.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my friend did not determine my ability to laugh, my ability to be in joy here, as this can be in every moment, here, as myself allowing and accepting what it is that I am within as an expression of life, realizing that life is the value, and that this value can only be lived in its full potential here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that having friends determines the state of myself within.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect laughter to a friend from my past.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that laughter can be taken away.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to place laughter within friendship only and also not something that I can experience around what I have defined as woman of authority.

Day 583 My Personality with Women Cont. Self Forgiveness

Continuation of  My personality with women.

 The behaviors of suppression in fear of losing a friend as a consequence of this past event where I lost a friend because of criticism/evaluation-taken-personally of that friend’s mother by my father,  I built a personality of fearing to speak up in ways that might have been construed as criticism causing a consequence of  loss and rejection, specifically in relation to woman, where I fear causing a reaction of competition, a reaction of jealousy, the perception of being threatened, which I had learned to fear as in making an association to such behavior as potentially losing something.

If I look at my relationship with my mother, from the point of myself as a small child, I can see where I focused on what my mother wanted to hear, so as to not cause my mother to become reactive. This consumed my attention, to the point where I focused on what pleased my mother at the expense of my own perspective and insight of this practical physical world. This was the beginning of my personality development, just as the action conveys, that was of a narrow focus on the personality of my mother, that became the knowledge and information that I became, perpetuating that same persona. And to note here, that this was not all good or all bad, it was the limitation within this that developed my perspectives that I would as an adult learn the hard way as being limited, as beliefs that did not consider all perspectives of reality, and that did not remember that learning was a process, a continuum that was a building of understanding which meant change and  more directive movement, one that enabled communication that was of sharing in what allowed self discovery and thus direct seeing  to become an adult who realized a common sense expression with the physical world instead of worrying about what others might or might not think about who one was or was not.

So, in my relations with other woman,  I go into an inner conflict, as I have to constantly assess my own allowed personification - built from my occupation with my own mother - to that of another woman - that is more than likely built from her/their mother’s personality. This narrow focus, one that is of following to survive, in itself a separation from being here which is being equal to physical reality. So, it becomes bubbles of personification in constant comparison walking on “ eggshells” to not upset the bubble of belief, instead of sharing insights and realizing that practical real living is building a world where no matter where we are, we take care of practical reality, enjoy differences and create a world where the value is life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear limitation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear belief.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear not matching the perspectives of another and within this to realize that I can “ match the perspective of another” and yet see that this does not define me, and as such, can follow through into expanding perspectives, building a depth perception that removes bubbles of limited beliefs and allows the end of a fear of loss that is really only a limited belief system and or a process of change that is what expansion is by nature, where expansion comes within seeing directly here, in practical reality.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the perspective of another cannot define me unless I accept and allow it.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the expression of another is a perspective, and as such can change, and also that it is this perspective that can add insight, and only defines in a moment, and within this, that what has been accepted and allowed is the holding of knowledge and information as ideas that define oneself in relation to one’s cultural and gender placement in a system of hierarchy that is the consequence of limited beliefs, where one collected values and used these as self definitions instead of realizing that what we are in every moment is a expression of life on a physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see , realize ad understand that resistance and conflict within myself as an emotional movement, are myself in comparison to another, in this case, women, where I resist what does not compliment my idea about myself, as my belief system, instead of being open and accepting the perspective of another, taking that which is good and does no harm, being thankful for that, and sharing myself, without fear of reprimand, judgement and jealousy, and standing as what allows a life lived in full potential realizing that all development no matter what, is what is best for me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to to mince my words, to not speak up in sharing practical reality, as in how practical reality works in ways that do no harm as the solution, as the directive, to enable another, and myself to expand in working with reality here, to create a world where life is the value, and where this value as being life, is what is shared, which, to note, would be an end to violence, and a world that one could call heaven.