The ending point is the the staring point.
The power within staying the course.
I had a confrontation with a group I help run. I had explained to another person within whom I share management with this group to keep things simple, meaning, one remained within a schedule, or else the doors of special interest would open.
Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, the doors were opened. Within the coming schedule that organized the group, one could pick and choose which day one did the tasks the group shared whereas before the schedule moved in a sequence where the individual was responsible to change their date if necessary- and the schedule was placed so far in advance that it gave time to order one’s life around one’s date. Naturally, in creating a schedule of choice, the unwanted days, which were holidays, were the last slots to be filled. When I opened this up, because some people were too busy to go in and choose a date, the response was that they had had a lot of fun doing that unwanted day. I had then said, that this was the reason the schedule moved as it did, because it eliminated causing those who did not have the time to fill in the blanks ending up with the days that were holidays and distributing these unwanted days through years- so everyone had a turn on a holiday with time to plan well before the dates. Answering to this with a positive spin on the consequence did not change the fact that all that was left were the holidays, which cancelled out the justification. To this there was a reaction, an indirect action. It was as though, calling positivity out by name caused the flood gates of spite to open, and every so-called ‘ mistake I had made in the past in relation to the group was called out. A distraction from the real issue at hand. It also turned out that the person who had changed the format, complained that scheduling was taking too much time, which, in answering to everyone’s need, instead of simply placing a sequence consistently into a schedule, well before hand, handing change to the individual, would have kept the act simple, which had been explained from the beginning.
The formula for such complaint is a math. It happens again and again. Nothing to take personally. Usually, there is some statement of fact, about an action, and then some inflammatory language. Overall, this additional ‘ math’ incident and then defamatory values as judgements attached, that have nothing to do with the issue at hand I have gotten so caught up in that I become the game of seeing only the distraction and forget my starting point. My answer only brought silence, unless I had retaliated, which I did not, because to react to this kind of inflammatory language only feeds the reaction/fire. The real issue was the original point; bringing in other things only caused a bigger pool of dissonance. It is how walls are built around an issue that is resisted.
Last night, I was talking with an old ‘ friend.” I opened something up that caused a reaction that basically took up the rest of the evening. I realized that the real issue was money, in this second situation, as this was the last point made in relation to the topic discussed. Yet, when this reaction, this tirade came up, I became quiet, because once started, it had to release itself, as any interjection would only cause more chaos. I wanted to walk away, and had thoughts that this was impossible; why did I make any attempts at all! I should have known - type of back chat coming in. I stopped.
I simply listened, checking myself for reactions, those small resistances, and desires to push back coming from myself; I watched for my own biases wanting to hold onto ideas and beleifs and opinions as what information was coming into the space I was within. I also noticed, at one point how tense was the body of the person with whom I was in communication. It was a rigid, unmoving, un-breathing stance. I did at that point have the werewithall, to realize that what would be important at that point was to move beyond that tense state ( and even had the thought that I created this, which cannot be, as what we accept we, as individuals, are responsible for!). This stance was so ‘ stuck’ that I stood and listened, letting the fires burn out. It is like standing back and not adding any more fuel to the fire of reaction- this being a set of beliefs being expressed. It was a lot of ‘ math’ to sort through, and yet, it can be done, as this is what I am as life, here. This is the capacity of life, to create, to build and rebuild. I could look at this as playing with building blocks, rearranging them, sorting them. It is only inflamed values, as belief, that pull into more fire storms of emotion and feeling- this being away from what can withstand time, remain constant, and sound a ‘ stilling of the waters’ , a slowing down, to assess and move into greater understanding of creation as the nature of life.
When things calmed down, what I noticed is that the interest in what I had brought up remained in this person. It was as though all the reasoning that lead to me once again being involved with this person came forward, and an acknowledgement of what was brought up that caused the reaction, was again said to be something that must be effective. It is like my friend senses there is something there, but the morality, as beliefs, comes forward in a resistance. This cycle is playing out and the only way forward is to slowly walk through the cycles of a morality/math of resistance and fragments of interest that come back. I would say it is like dealing with a piece of music, which is like a math, that has truths and inflammatory beliefs, that slow down the processing of potentials sensed. I lose insight into the whole, as the parts/justifications when I become too narrow a focus on ideas about who and what I am, usually tied to class and culture, instead of remembering a presence to and towards the physical- the real starting point of myself as a human being on earth.
Within myself, though at times listening to a tirade was difficult -as a sense from my past that I could not move through this, it was impossible, it was overwhelming, it was so thick and too difficult to sort through, came up, -I said no as this was my own limitations that had become fixed and comfortable justifications within myself. I had to breath, remain calm, and listen. It was at this point that a tiny fleck of realizing that I could ‘ do the math’ came through, and like words on a page, the forms became more liquid, as though I was sorting the numbers. This had a moment, of remembering that those lenses, as the words, were a tool to ground an effective presence, here: a present to myself. That one moment of movement, of form, opened a door to seeing that not only could this moment remain fixed as what it was, it could also, be aligned in ways that removed the inflammations and settled into more presence and greater awareness of movement in space and time.
Within all this seeming chaos, were points of change. It was like a quantum form that had a flicker of insight that could move into a greater dimension of awareness- yet there were problems to solve. lol, it is like facing a formula embedded in the physical, the persona of the numbers as a measure of values laying the equation on the table. It is amazing in so many ways, as it is as though I step out of my head, yet remain there as well, and see the movement around me. It is a movement that is invisible, yet moves like a wave - that wave can be brought back to self, sorted and grounded. Thus, within this, everything is me, as this is how to bring it back to self. Here, to then do the math, within a starting point of the principle of what is best for all. This also means speaking within the volume of story, playing with words, with a math, to direct myself, and thereby the very presence involved as a formation that moves with greater resolve into a presence equal and one to life, to creation.
What joy there is in this!