Pride has a pull for me. I want to reject it, never allow myself the gift of this as I fear that the moment I am proud of something I will lose it. This has, been my experience in some ways. Those moments I felt I had reached something, only to have my joy taken from me. And yet, this in itself is a contradiction, because joy can never be taken, it can only be denied. To deny something is like hiding it, when it is a real value as a living value that can remain constant- standing through, standing up, remaining in it course as its very nature! To deny something is to resist it. The action of resistance such a busy work, such practice can become a burdensome persona that needs constant payment. I am the creator of my own monthly perpetual payment to support the walls of my own mis-judgement- a form of self punishment, a form of being at war with myself.
This, overall, based on survival. The survival based on not doing the math, problem solving in ways that I give the insight to enable self to see directly. Remember those moments here, where someone explained something and one immediately saw it and then had the secondary reaction of, ‘how could I have missed that!, It is so obvious!”? What busy work was in the way? What beliefs circulating within one, that blocked what was so easy and actually natural?
In my case, it is some inflammation as a belief, energetically colored, as polarized into a self blame scenario. Somehow, there is an equation that I have allowed to define me, as believing that being proud was followed with a loss, a complete shattering of that with which I became a sense of pride. I probably attached a value of excitement to being proud, lost a sense of the means to accomplishment, and inflated the value, forgetting for a moment, the steps completed and that this in itself meant that anything could be learned. The espansive nature of being here, could not be lost, it was only that I allowed a belief precedence.
When reactions came towards me, as I was so self involved, even within a so-called ‘ good’ I reacted to reactions, not slowing down to sense the shame in another for not realizing the means of self discovery and expansion of awareness. I then, took this reaction as a threat to and towards my own development. A twist that could create a veil, so thin yet so encompassing. I can see where it is said the veil is thin is so appropriate. It exists in those kinds of statements that voice “ how could I have missed this!”
It is being so self involved, so self engrossed, that within the train of my development, I had lost a practice of slowing down and listening to what a reaction of fear was as a natural desire to do being buried in the same as I was being as this was also my starting point. I can also see where this would lead myself to becoming what some might call ‘ intellectual’ as an understanding of expanding awareness was present, yet protected because I did not slow down to realize that the means were not always understood because one simply did not take the time to look!
And, also, within this pride, as I have lived my life, there is always something new to learn, to understand, to incorporate, were it not so, then life would not move on. Thus, others that had insight I lacked, I began/initially reacted as what I experienced towards myself that was the same, I allowed myself to become embarrassed- as in ‘ why did I not know that?’ And yet, this non-seeing is ego, which is self allowing a belief that one’s intuition is greater than reality. My intuition being my experience, not all bad, yet not what is here, as it is only the signature of my past. And yet that past is built from interacting with the physical world around me, thus what is paramount is the physical. My intuition in this case, must become flexible, fluid, able to change in every moment, as my real relationship is towards the physical, which is the manifestation of what works- and that must involve constant change with remembering in every moment what is constant.
Yesterday, I looked at the word ‘ pride’ to deconstruct it so that I could frame this tool, as this word in such a way it could be used to ground me to remember that my intuition is my past, that what is real is the physical and that change is a constant as well as that which is steady in being a constant support.
I also learned yesterday, that the sound ‘ she” or chi, or shhh’ originally meant ‘ not knowing’ or a state of ‘ not knowing’ which is within the sound of the word ‘ shame’ and shaman. I thought this interesting, because I also has a kind of dyslexia around this very same sound when I was younger and learning to spell. When an ‘ s’ appeared in a word, or the sound of ‘ s’, as in ‘ such’, or ‘ch’ or ‘-ish’ I had a hard time with a retention of words using this sound!
Thus, that the word ‘ shame’ has this sound, means that shame is ‘ not having enough awareness about something ‘ as that tiny sound of the ‘ sh’ is based on ‘ being a state of not knowing’
The twist here, is that I allowed a ‘ not knowing’ within a process of default by ignorance, as not looking. Yet, at the same time, this sense of not knowing, could be used to realize that every moment involves change and realizing what is constant, as what works, in relation to the physical. Thus, I can instead of moving in ignorance as ‘ not knowing’ as not looking because I am moving as an inflammation of my intuition- as my past, or I can realize that in every moment I cannot know until I look here, at this reality. Meaning, every moment is a state of ‘ not knowing’ because every moment is different, yet there are things as the physical, that are stable and constant, and can be referenced as this is what is real around me, whereas my intuition is based on my experience- a secondary entity.
My shame as an unknowingness of what is real, having allowed an idea about myself to be larger than life, as my intuition, can transform into realizing that unknowingness is actually cool, because it means every moment as the physical, reveals the way forward. I suppose, from my perspective at this point, it is to say, to move forward means to move as ‘ unknowing’ without a color of shame. Somehow, that is within the word ‘ pride’ for me, towards a redefinition of the word ‘ pride’.
The word ‘ pride’ as the word ‘ ride’ within it, can be to ride the unknowing, no longer fearing the unknown and trusting what I as a human being can do, which is to assess what is here, and come up with solutions to the unexpected. And to realize, that being a living assessment of what is here, and using my experience, means not fearing the unknowingness that is accepting the no-thing that is every-thing. Another way to say this is to realize that I am the means of change- even my neurons can change and regrow. Thus, I can redefine pride within directing myself to ride the pi of life, as what is change and yet what is constant, facing each moment from a point of ‘ unknowingness’ as being the gift of not defining myself ONLY by my intuition, which is my past experience.
When I sense pride, colored with protection and defense, as movements of self validation, I can stop and breath, slow down, and forgive the past, to stand in readiness to accept all things and take that which is good to live what allows an understanding as ‘ that is so obvious, why did I not see this’ to bring out a unknowingness built of resistance into an acceptance of ‘ unknowingness’ as a means to see more directly this reality. This practically applied would be myself , within myself, standing in accepting all things, an acceptance of redoing in every moment, from a starting point of being a state of ‘ unknowingness’ as respect in the moment of all things here, as I cannot know until I look, and every moment must be to always look without a value judgement about who and what I am. This is like being a part of the ‘ pride’ of the lye-on life, meaning to accept life, as a physical form, and to ‘ lie down ‘ on the very fabric of what is here, as the physical. Thus, I can be ‘ proud’ of myself as life. I can join the pride of lions and move into a living practice of and as, in every moment that kind of seeing that is inherent in the reaction “ why did I not see that!”