Day 748 Looking at frustration to realize my own fear.

That point where i become frustrated, I can use as a red flag , in terms of what behaviors I choose and use to direct myself within, as a moment. If I lose myself to frustration, I become inferior to myself, unequal to moving through the border of my ability to ‘ know the score’, or process the math, or use my common sense. This is realizing the border of my awareness, slowing down and realizing greater and more subtle detail, about the world around me. This is the point where I have to assess, investigate and make a choice to move, to self direct, not being hard on myself when I make a mis-take, as I have entered a new territory. Here, it is to focus myself, having a greater faith in the command of myself as who and what I am as a human being. The sensibilities of what I am, as physical life, as life in expression, to see, realize and understand here. Also, to cross reference my own synchronistic level with reality, and the reality around me. It is also to understand the levels of development, to listen to the focus of another, and move from that point forward as this is me in another life. Also, to realize that being in a situation where I impart my natural sensibility as the physical, if a form of physical learning, and thereby something that can move with greater efficiency - even though reading about something once mastering a certain level of awareness can be helpful, there is nothing like the abstract as ideas, beliefs and opinions made real through physical cross referencing. Meaning, what is an idea, must move in synch with the practical physical reality, and that with ease, otherwise force is used, and that is moving against working with something in harmony- which is actually realizing that one can leave nothing behind. It is all a beautiful design leading one forward, if each human being made the decision to respect all things, and live as the principle of what is best for all. 

This is what the practice of self forgiveness, writing and practical application, leading to a self directive capacity manifest as the real potential of men, is all about. This is the process, on could say, of removing the veil, that thing within, a resonant thing, that is too big to fit through the eye of the needle. Meaning to self realize self as life, equal and one to the physical, as this is all things and not only that bubble of information in one’s head, or one’s mind, or one’s consciousness. As that bubble is a consciousness of separation.  That degree of separation, a construct of limitation, as ideas, beliefs, and opinions,  destroys the physical body, as the self as the body,  moves counter to the physical, and degrades because it  essentially does not fit. This could be said to be a rejection of life. It is an outcome of being unequal to life. It is being unequal to the physical.

Back to my own review of when and as I find myself getting frustrated. In these moments, I have to assess, investigate and slow way down. In a recent encounter, I remember a moment of frustration, as a fear, where I stood back, physically stood up to stand more on the side. How I remember this tiny movement, was that I noticed a movement that I would call a kind of slow motion in another person. That moment where I sensed this, was the moment I stood back. I reacted, I did not want to face that ‘ measure’ of slow motion, where I felt the person moved in a thick soup, or a conceptual sluggishness - as I would call it in this moment. I reacted with resistance, or could I say fear- towards that ‘ entity’ of movement, of song, of math.  I wanted to run.  One could say, from one perspective that I feared this ‘ entity’ defining me. One could say that I allowed this ‘ entity’ to have authority over me.  Somehow, though this is true, it does not fit what i allowed. Also, I have to say, that I could go back and check my own movements, that I could catch this one moment, is cool. This process is cool. 

Again, back to this issue. lol.  I could say, I was like a snob, and did not want to go into that ‘ soup’ that construction, that math.  It might, like a virus, consume me, or so I believed. This attitude overall towards this, or, my perspective towards this, is telling in itself.  It is like stepping into a shadow, and realizing it need not define me, and directing the parts into looking at reality, to live in greater synchronicity with life. It is removing the tensions of fear that force protection instead of a command of self effectively.  I recognize on some level, the impetus of this reaction, made habit, practiced again and again, compounding and accumulating into no-longer-recognizing this behavior, burying it under blame and spite, hiding it in justifications, labeling the objects around me as the fault, when it was not myself, seeing directly and instead directing myself in-fear-ior to life.  I also notice shame and self hate, as I realize so often we are the hardest on ourselves, because we understand that we are the ones who did not slow down and practice resolution into calming the waters of fear. Meaning , in my case,  choosing to not address something because of a fear of punishment. There may be some desires there, that motivated this forward too, yet what I sense is that this is more a consequence of a fear of punishment. And, to realize that as a child, I probably did not have the vocabulary to voice, to vocalize what was happening. It is revelatory in the resonant sense, as it is colored more with an unnamed fear than something more defined. And yet, that ‘ entity’ that I label as being ‘ sluggish’ and soupy, is the same, it lacks real definition, it moves in slow motion.  Also, before I started self forgiveness, I spoke in terms of “ why does it appear to me that people are losing conceptual ability”, as one of the things I was saying to myself.  I also recognize that the same ‘ color’ or tenor’ of what I resisted, and as my movement into frustration, is the same or very similar. It is like a shadow on my heart. 

Did I accumulate knowledge and information, read and read and read many books to find a way through this? Did I run towards the means to an end, to avoid that same end? Did I sense on some level that I needed to process more in-formation, to face this storm of fear, or separation, and run from what was always right in front of me? Yes.  I can realize that I have worked with a dog that had a lot of behaviors of fear, where I patiently stood as a different behavior,  until the dog relaxed and moved with greater ease, and less reaction in an environment. This dog, becoming more and more accepting of people walking towards him to pet him, whereas in the beginning the dog would react, tense up, become restless, though exhibiting some caution and restraint at the same time. Overall, this change not something that can be transferred in any other way, but with and as the physical. Something that must happen on the ground - to note in relation to this of which I speak.  Thus, overall, I have the capacity to realize the red flag of resistance when I stand back and convince myself that something is impossible, which is really a point of frustration, that is what I have not faced, as the state of fear moving in a perpetual rhythm, and instead embracing the vocal point, and realizing where ‘ Goldilocks stands’ as the border of understanding, to then spell a sentence using words, that opens greater insight, of which I would want for myself, as such moments are so precious, they are often the most memorable, as being something hard to forget, as they have a great power. They are also the means to the end, and recognized with gratefulness as a part of the nature of them within me.

Overall, the more I realize, for which I am thankful within and as this process of journeying to life, the more I realize, that this has to be done on the ground, as though the network of men, must come back down to earth, which must be lived, on the ground- as I said.  Greed and a desire to control, must stop. What matters if building a network, that sees this reality directly, correcting the math, the inner structure to respect all things, removing the veil of separation of a lesser god/structural resonance/mind consciousness and thereby building communities of man who live equal and one with the physical, doing no harm, taking that which is good. This is priceless.

When and as I find myself moving into frustration, I stop, I face what I see as an ‘ entity’ of slow motion as something I have noticed with greater clarity, this having a quality of and as being heavy with fear, laden with ideas, beliefs and opinions, and I embrace the conception. I slow down and breathe, walk the form within and without, relate to the practical physical reality, deconstruct and reconstruct, embrace and accept, change and reform and keep my feet on the ground. I see, realize and understand that I can open my heart, and hear the “song”, that it need not define me, as I am flexible, to become more a measure of respecting life, here to realize the greatness of life, to life with more consistency what I have done in other moments, thereby becoming more constant in grounding my presence here. 

Day 747 My own structural resonance and emotional firewalls.

My own structural resonance and emotional firewalls.

I recently interacted with what I saw as a very large emotional firewall. I have had enough experience in my life that I realize in moments that it was not so much what I said, but more in how I said what I said. What I mean by this, is that there have been situations where I called something out by name with a calm, with an intent of making something clear more than some gain for myself. When I did this, I noticed I was more effective in my communication. 

Conversely, there have been similar situations where I spoke up and called something by name, but my starting point was more colored with a desire, or a self interest motivated of and as fear.  In these situations I had to face the consequences, because that color , or desire, or emotion was still present, it would either be sorted or allowed to accumulate further, as to allow such, was to not address what had within the law of compounding remained, as it had not been balanced out. This is within the math of what one resists persists. 

I also notice that I tend to be very hard on myself, thereby creating my own emotional firewall of self doubt and self blame, leading to a sense of self unworthiness. Then within me, anger grows and I begin to become frustrated and lash out, creating that which focused more on a lack, instead of remaining calm and balancing, or sorting myself out, realizing a mistake as a means to learn a more correct balance, leading to a consequence of more effective communication. Emotional ‘ firewalls’ are an imbalanced resonant inner structure, one of denial of self wholeness, or being focused in awareness of all things, as all things are self in another life because the substance is the same in all of us. When becoming emotional, instead of looking within myself, and resolving the math of me, as polarized and warped values, I notice I start to blame and spite objects around me as the default - often moving into using label - when it is myself who is not focused and in respect of life, calling things by what they are in their physical relationship. 

Within this, I realize that I continue to have some fear of this, within myself and facing this within others, facing that storm of imbalance,  an emotional firewall, as a way for me to call this by name and begin to sort this out within the point that I am at in the moment, here.   I must realize to a greater degree that this is a process, one that is concomitant, meaning that balancing things out will have moments of mis-take.What is always right there, within and as me, as that ability to speak within calling things by name with that more clear voice that can be heard through imbalances as emotional and feeling energies. I have experienced the difference in my life in moments, thus this can be done, so to not be too hard on myself.  I realize that we are all capable of this.

Also, we cannot know what we do not know. Because of this, we cannot move past our inner conceptual indexing. Meaning, we cannot move beyond the level of our learning balance scale. Yet, we can practice referencing the practical, knowing the score of reality, respecting it and building a more direct relationship to/and towards it. This ability to reference reality, is more natural, and it is what children naturally are able to do, this which is somehow lost. Our children are a product of the math of their environment. And this starts in the womb.  They absorb the colored  state of conceptual lack  as the very signature of emotional firewalls, as mis-informed constructs of information, causing a distraction if not sorted out, slowing down a natural ability to realize the magic is in the physical doing. If we look at our society today, there is so little opportunity to actually do things, most exposure is through media and/or from memorizing information- this a direct disconnect from reality, by design. Even early books on education realized the need to  build relationships to reality. In this I am personally glad that President Trump is formulating apprenticeships as an alternative to high school, for example, because we as a society have lost a connection to living relationships in the learning process. Even such a situation can be manipulated, thus there is the need to understand overall, how we are formed, and to recognize emotional ‘ paranormal’ firewalls, because this is what such is. It is also necessary to meet a person where they are at, within, and to move froward from that point, as physical relationship building can accelerate learning. Also, through practical living applications - which is to say, one must bring the children back into building direct relationships to reality- this being done through words having a direct relationship to reality without the clutter of pictures. One must forgive the inflammatory polarized values of self interest, often visible as manipulation in space and time, and realize the only choice is to consider all things, and take what is good and does no harm. War is conflict, and it is used for profit, it is an emotional firewall on a grand scale, a form of manipulation that is conceptually separate from the living reality around us. War is a reflection of what each is within themselves, and the system is actually a protection for a lack of self responsibility in each individual.  It is a loss of insight into the absolute purpose of life, that absolute purpose being the living nature of taking what is good and does no harm. This is being/moving in harmony.  When two minds meet that understand a level of mastery that is so balanced and expansive, few words are needed, as just being in the presence of such, and recognizing it, is such a state of joy there is no expression that can be that, as that state is both fecund and silent. One could say it is the meeting of a level of inner structure that realizes we create who and what we are. 

Day 746 MOTHER earth is speaking.

I remember when performing that a key could change, and the whole tenor as the very fabric of the music could change. I remember asking myself in my earlier years, how I could move with this more, as become more fluid within the content. In time, as I practiced and mastered the small it became easier. I had to focus on the small and sense the whole. I could hold the movement within this, and was often a section leader because of this.

The other day I was talking to a young man, and despite the ‘ drama’ as the conversation moving on one level, I noticed this same kind of shift in the tenor of the conversation. This subtle shift has been pestering me, as I can’t seem to shake it, it keeps coming up, like a memory of a past moment, jumping out of me, which is a resonant form.  What is the point of this, what am I saying to myself, as the very resonance and math of me, my own veil? 

In working with children, I can see how they can change. Their math, or the very measure of their behaviors must change, as they are the ‘ feral’ children of their hosts, the parents.  This process and my resonant experiences, a reflection of how all of this works, and the great capacity of this if used correctly.  A mis-use of this creates a fear-all child as the child mirrors the parents emotional and feeling and belief net-worth resonant within. If not understood, the cart becomes, through the law of accumulation, or the law of compounding, as one’s resonant seed, - the cart begins to be placed before the horse; that horse a symbol for me, as the inherent reciprocity of the physical - this I am living as that memory, that math, that resonant memory of and as that moment where I noticed a subtle, yet very loud  in a way, key change in that conversation.  I would say that the process of self forgiveness, and building proper networks of words to reflect the building blocks of the physical,  is walking backwards, defining that ‘ cart’ and realizing that one can master one’s self, and lead from the physical, being grounded here. 

In all, I must become content with my own accepted and allowed oontent, and realize the content of this overall, and ground myself in the content of and as the physical. I can realize my own ‘ feral’ resonant foundation, and see the resonant accumulation of ill defined as unfocused presence, and step by step, in a proper order, rebuild to become more fluid in the mastery of the focus of me, within the content of what and who I am, as that physical ‘ horse’ and be content with myself as life, as this would be to accept the joy of life, as all this physical world, so expressive , so alive, so fecund with life, with a framework that is symbiotic. 

This must be walked, like a virus into the physical, the opening of the eye of the needle. This must be done, as though spreading through the physical, not drawng attention in one centralized area, as that in itself is an imbalance, and can open one up to attack. It must happen like a slow moving yet consistent current type of tsunami, so to speak, where the water flows in slowly, the awareness like a real wealth accumulating in a spread, to not be noticed, as when it accumulates overall, when noticed, it is too late, and within this, the capacity, the real capacity of men comes forward at the same time. This is being in synch. 

Stay the course, it is a beautiful design. The blue bird knows the way forward. Be like water, persistent, because one does have the capacity to remove the veil, this capacity is who and what we are as life. 

Looking within Felicity Day 745

I am looking at resistance, as resistance is fear. 

I remember sometimes in music, a phrase or form would appear to be unable-to-be-understood for me. The form would come and the math, the measure of it was like something distant from me. It was as though there was a veil inhibiting it from me- this little shape of sound before me graphed out. I had to slow down, alone, at home, by myself, and start to take it apart. It appeared to be this illusive ‘ thing’ that somehow I could not grasp. It begged the question as to why I could take in one little notated form and not another. It made no practical sense. 

The “ block’ could be called a resistance. Somehow, my own resonance was counter to the form, my own resonance was such that the math of me, the resonance of me, the values of me were creating a wall that separated me from the form before me. It was like too different currents were meeting one another.  This overall a ‘ red flag’ because I could not transpose myself, be flexible myself, and embrace the form. I was resonant with a formation that was holding itself to such a degree that I could not change and take in a varying form with the very substance that was me, as that means that could form into my resonance and the resonant form before me that I was having difficulty grasping.

Whose fault was this, was it the form, was it that I was ‘ something’ , a personality that had value, or as some say; ‘ Just the way I am?”  Or, “ this is my opinion, you must respect that?”  If I am resistant to something then I am not being the capacity to understand, as understanding another form, which is a combination of values made up of the ultimate value of what builds form overall,   how can I really understand perspective? If I cannot change and stand as a ‘ musical form’ or any form for that matter, realizing that I can understand for a moment, and yet change in the next, thus nothing can define me but what I allow as in time and space for something to be formed it must be stood as for a period of time.  If I look at what I am being that is unable to change then I have become a resonant thing and therefor lost a capacity to change, thus from a starting point of what I am as a human being, in relation to this, if I cannot change in relation to expressions as insights as perspectives towards another, for a moment, then I am in a form of a fixed state and therefor holding onto something that need not be held onto, to the extent that I can change and see another form, even if for a moment. I have lost flexibility. I have become stagnant. And this means overall, that I am responsible for what I am, and in the order of mastering myself, I must be able to realize and recognize when I am within a resistance, as I am in a lost state of embracing a form that I can accept and or move forward, as in taking what is good and does no harm. My resistance reveals my fear of change and my lost state of being in common sense, meaning to take something and understand it and then direct it effectively. 

Yesterday, I resisted something based on my own beliefs. I believed that something was too much. This based on past interactions. In a moment, I was faced with a response. The response was “ I had a difficult week.” I replied graciously and walked away. I did not allow the door to open, because I did not want to listen to the layers of justification. I had had to do this and allowed it to become too much. I feared that happening again. Overall, it was an opportunity to face the storm and practice sorting it out. As I drove away, I recognized this. The saving grace was that I so readily recognized this. Before it would have taken me more time. So, I tell myself, this in itself a good that can become a justification. All of this a sound wall. a math of values, resonant within me. I am a Humpty Dumpty.  Face it, move and get over it. We need to start admitting this to ourselves. Overall, there is nothing but resolution.  Living in fear and resistance is a drag, quite literally.  I for one have had it. Fuck you if you do not want to do the fucking math. It is right here in front of us, in plain sight. There is no escape. You are an organic robot. I mean, look at your words, your sound formations, are they filed with iconography that uses metaphor, or compound labels to zip file information where eveyone has to guess at what is meant? 

I have had people say to me, in relation to animals, that when an animal comes to ‘ visit’ as move outside of expected behaviors, that a past loved one has come to visit. This is a projection of an icon, as that person from that past visiting. What it can really signify is a characteristic of the self that the self is chasing, as the self has placed this value outside of the self because this is the self rejecting the self. This is the self chasing what the self gave up, and the means for the self to live without fear, without resistance and the cause of resistance. In the scream of the longing is the thing being missed, the thing given up. It is the signifier of the shattering of the self, into pieces, it is the beginning of the advent of a separation into fractionalized projected parts as ideas, beliefs, opinions. It is the smoke and mirrors show. It is the consciousness in separation from reality. In this instance, a person said to me that an animal came to them and that it was their friend they had lost. In reality, that friend was admired for a value the admirer lost within themselves, objectified outside of themselves. The animal that ostensibly came was the value the self rejected and longed for, hidden in a series of storied information placed into objects holding past projections. A huge parable. Looking at the smallest of parts can disperse the picture show. I want to say, what is constant within the show? Bring it back to self. Find the word. Realize the initial resistance. Would one agree that realizing what was lost is the means forward? Could one see the self hate is a form of self pity? Is this not manifest as an added color of longing? Could this not come as an answer to a question as “ I had a difficult week?” as the starting point of sorting out the projected and separated values ?  If I am capable of writing this here, am I not capable of facing the storm and living the joy of being present, sensing the small, within the greater inflation of resonant forms? Shame is not going to change this. Self hate and reprimand is more of the same. 

Today, I ask myself : " What is felicity?"