Friday, March 24, 2017

Day 748 Looking at frustration to realize my own fear.

That point where i become frustrated, I can use as a red flag , in terms of what behaviors I choose and use to direct myself within, as a moment. If I lose myself to frustration, I become inferior to myself, unequal to moving through the border of my ability to ‘ know the score’, or process the math, or use my common sense. This is realizing the border of my awareness, slowing down and realizing greater and more subtle detail, about the world around me. This is the point where I have to assess, investigate and make a choice to move, to self direct, not being hard on myself when I make a mis-take, as I have entered a new territory. Here, it is to focus myself, having a greater faith in the command of myself as who and what I am as a human being. The sensibilities of what I am, as physical life, as life in expression, to see, realize and understand here. Also, to cross reference my own synchronistic level with reality, and the reality around me. It is also to understand the levels of development, to listen to the focus of another, and move from that point forward as this is me in another life. Also, to realize that being in a situation where I impart my natural sensibility as the physical, if a form of physical learning, and thereby something that can move with greater efficiency - even though reading about something once mastering a certain level of awareness can be helpful, there is nothing like the abstract as ideas, beliefs and opinions made real through physical cross referencing. Meaning, what is an idea, must move in synch with the practical physical reality, and that with ease, otherwise force is used, and that is moving against working with something in harmony- which is actually realizing that one can leave nothing behind. It is all a beautiful design leading one forward, if each human being made the decision to respect all things, and live as the principle of what is best for all. 

This is what the practice of self forgiveness, writing and practical application, leading to a self directive capacity manifest as the real potential of men, is all about. This is the process, on could say, of removing the veil, that thing within, a resonant thing, that is too big to fit through the eye of the needle. Meaning to self realize self as life, equal and one to the physical, as this is all things and not only that bubble of information in one’s head, or one’s mind, or one’s consciousness. As that bubble is a consciousness of separation.  That degree of separation, a construct of limitation, as ideas, beliefs, and opinions,  destroys the physical body, as the self as the body,  moves counter to the physical, and degrades because it  essentially does not fit. This could be said to be a rejection of life. It is an outcome of being unequal to life. It is being unequal to the physical.

Back to my own review of when and as I find myself getting frustrated. In these moments, I have to assess, investigate and slow way down. In a recent encounter, I remember a moment of frustration, as a fear, where I stood back, physically stood up to stand more on the side. How I remember this tiny movement, was that I noticed a movement that I would call a kind of slow motion in another person. That moment where I sensed this, was the moment I stood back. I reacted, I did not want to face that ‘ measure’ of slow motion, where I felt the person moved in a thick soup, or a conceptual sluggishness - as I would call it in this moment. I reacted with resistance, or could I say fear- towards that ‘ entity’ of movement, of song, of math.  I wanted to run.  One could say, from one perspective that I feared this ‘ entity’ defining me. One could say that I allowed this ‘ entity’ to have authority over me.  Somehow, though this is true, it does not fit what i allowed. Also, I have to say, that I could go back and check my own movements, that I could catch this one moment, is cool. This process is cool. 

Again, back to this issue. lol.  I could say, I was like a snob, and did not want to go into that ‘ soup’ that construction, that math.  It might, like a virus, consume me, or so I believed. This attitude overall towards this, or, my perspective towards this, is telling in itself.  It is like stepping into a shadow, and realizing it need not define me, and directing the parts into looking at reality, to live in greater synchronicity with life. It is removing the tensions of fear that force protection instead of a command of self effectively.  I recognize on some level, the impetus of this reaction, made habit, practiced again and again, compounding and accumulating into no-longer-recognizing this behavior, burying it under blame and spite, hiding it in justifications, labeling the objects around me as the fault, when it was not myself, seeing directly and instead directing myself in-fear-ior to life.  I also notice shame and self hate, as I realize so often we are the hardest on ourselves, because we understand that we are the ones who did not slow down and practice resolution into calming the waters of fear. Meaning , in my case,  choosing to not address something because of a fear of punishment. There may be some desires there, that motivated this forward too, yet what I sense is that this is more a consequence of a fear of punishment. And, to realize that as a child, I probably did not have the vocabulary to voice, to vocalize what was happening. It is revelatory in the resonant sense, as it is colored more with an unnamed fear than something more defined. And yet, that ‘ entity’ that I label as being ‘ sluggish’ and soupy, is the same, it lacks real definition, it moves in slow motion.  Also, before I started self forgiveness, I spoke in terms of “ why does it appear to me that people are losing conceptual ability”, as one of the things I was saying to myself.  I also recognize that the same ‘ color’ or tenor’ of what I resisted, and as my movement into frustration, is the same or very similar. It is like a shadow on my heart. 

Did I accumulate knowledge and information, read and read and read many books to find a way through this? Did I run towards the means to an end, to avoid that same end? Did I sense on some level that I needed to process more in-formation, to face this storm of fear, or separation, and run from what was always right in front of me? Yes.  I can realize that I have worked with a dog that had a lot of behaviors of fear, where I patiently stood as a different behavior,  until the dog relaxed and moved with greater ease, and less reaction in an environment. This dog, becoming more and more accepting of people walking towards him to pet him, whereas in the beginning the dog would react, tense up, become restless, though exhibiting some caution and restraint at the same time. Overall, this change not something that can be transferred in any other way, but with and as the physical. Something that must happen on the ground - to note in relation to this of which I speak.  Thus, overall, I have the capacity to realize the red flag of resistance when I stand back and convince myself that something is impossible, which is really a point of frustration, that is what I have not faced, as the state of fear moving in a perpetual rhythm, and instead embracing the vocal point, and realizing where ‘ Goldilocks stands’ as the border of understanding, to then spell a sentence using words, that opens greater insight, of which I would want for myself, as such moments are so precious, they are often the most memorable, as being something hard to forget, as they have a great power. They are also the means to the end, and recognized with gratefulness as a part of the nature of them within me.

Overall, the more I realize, for which I am thankful within and as this process of journeying to life, the more I realize, that this has to be done on the ground, as though the network of men, must come back down to earth, which must be lived, on the ground- as I said.  Greed and a desire to control, must stop. What matters if building a network, that sees this reality directly, correcting the math, the inner structure to respect all things, removing the veil of separation of a lesser god/structural resonance/mind consciousness and thereby building communities of man who live equal and one with the physical, doing no harm, taking that which is good. This is priceless.

When and as I find myself moving into frustration, I stop, I face what I see as an ‘ entity’ of slow motion as something I have noticed with greater clarity, this having a quality of and as being heavy with fear, laden with ideas, beliefs and opinions, and I embrace the conception. I slow down and breathe, walk the form within and without, relate to the practical physical reality, deconstruct and reconstruct, embrace and accept, change and reform and keep my feet on the ground. I see, realize and understand that I can open my heart, and hear the “song”, that it need not define me, as I am flexible, to become more a measure of respecting life, here to realize the greatness of life, to life with more consistency what I have done in other moments, thereby becoming more constant in grounding my presence here. 

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