Day 690 Changing my own self absorption.

There is a tension in my right arm, this is information, and it is heavy as the information that is me is limited, it does not fit into the physical world, move with here, with ease. I have accepted and allowed ideas, beliefs and opinions to define what is real. I have used my presence to built a construct within, as a memory, as an entity of mis-information to define who and what I am. I have accepted and allowed this to direct me. When I become aggressive, as in pushing and forcing information onto here, as my own measure/experience/culture/background/7 generations/ value judgements I mis-take my ability to be aware of my own constructions within ONLY paying attention to that inner information. I am so involved in my own survival suit/character/personality/self definitions that that which reads that inner information lacks being present in reality as myself and as the physical world.

This inner information moves in a stagnant manner, heavy and resistant to change. It moves more as substantiation of itself than being in consideration of what is real, as the surrounding physical world. The solution is to align that within to the without, through rebuilding that within to equalize to the without as the physical world.

Thus, when I tense up, it is a resistance to change. It is me wanting to force my own insight onto the world around me. This is not necessarily bad, it can be a cool moment of reflection, to assess and investigate what I believe, and build through cross reference that information with the reality around me, meaning to look at all things, for example.  

My ability to sense, can understand the parts and look at the physical world, and continue awareness of the within and the without. I mean, we can go outside and look at the trees, and see, very clearly when they are in abundance or lack through the expression of their foliage. It is right in front of us, and we know the building blocks. 

After all, we know how to take care of a race horse, we know its limits, and we know the needs of that physical body. It is astounding that one practice reveals the means and yet we are so self involved that we lack translating that means into another similar situation.  

And yet, that lack reflects the self absorption  focused within narrow parameters of belief  ' within '  ONLY. The key here is self absorption, which reveals that we absorb, we become what we focus on, and that we can absorb, and that that is our ability to assess and investigate and BUILD within and without. So simple, so evident, so right in front of us. 

The chaos is the separation into believing the information that was not present at birth, or not yet the seven generations of information resounding within, that occupies that ability to absorb into becoming self absorbed. The ability to absorb, is indebted/enslaved to limited information, ubiquitous as what humans have accepted and allowed for eons. The physical the means to ground us back into what is real.

Thus, because I am a product of this system, in every breath, in every moment, it is for me to humble myself, to hear the hum of the physical, to see that which is constant, and to stand with and as that. The real ‘ hum’ is to ground myself into silence, that can here the information of the physical world.  I mean, this would be to hear the grass grow. This is something I cannot even fathom, as I am a product of the present system, and yet, who and what I am as life, can become this with practice. Within this, I can real-eyes that everything that is here, is me, in another form, in another life information, and that I cannot stand without what is here. I am like a cell, a part, and yet, one. This shares the one and the many. This quantifies , much like the fungal network that sustains whole forests of trees. It is an information network in support of the parts and the whole, each part individual and yet one.  Our present military industrial complex is a war in rejection of this, and yet, cannot exist without this. This respect for all things, is how life exists. It is like a self sustaining fabric that by design is oneness and equality. It is the principle of the golden rule, to give as one would receive. It is the mathematical equation of self forgiveness. It is the sound of equality. It is the only choice. It is what I am as what and who I am.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to resist looking here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to resist expressing myself here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in every breath in every moment I can ground myself here, and self forgive to investigating and assessing the measure within and without, as my past accepted and allowed belief constructs that lacked a consideration of all things, and become the practice of equalizing my presence here, to respect within and without the real symbols as the physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist as polarized energetic entities within and as myself, self absorbed within limited constructions of opinions and ideas about reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use my greatest strength to and towards self absorption, instead of considering all things, taking that which is good and does no harm, to realize my symbiotic potential as life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I tense up within and as me, I am resisting here, becoming self absorbed, wanting to force my polarized value judgements onto reality, instead of humbling myself here, respecting all things, giving as I would receive.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not live my innate self responsibility as who and what I am, as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to resist values, to not see in every moment, in every breath, the values expressed without resistance and to them give as I would receive, to walk the practical, as what does no harm, and what brings limitation into equality and oneness with the physical infrastructure here, as the basic needs of what it means to live in abundance on a physical planet.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how self absorbed I have accepted and allowed myself to be, in protection and self defense, mirroring the present system without.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the inferiority of my own self absorption in relation to the life that is the means of me, here as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand around all the desires as beliefs and opinions and ideas as what I have allowed to be a self absorption is my own construct accepted and allowed that is my separation from myself as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I am the source of my own fear.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that I am the source of my own isolation from life, through my own accepted and allowed self absorption in self interest, resisting cross reference with the nature of the physical world, which is self forgiveness, a practice of respect for the physical world, as assessment and investigation of the physical world around me, in every breath, here. to become in practice, in thought word and deed what does no harm, and considers all things.

When and as I find myself resisting here, as in lacking a respect for all forms, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I assess what is here, to see, realize and understand what is here as the physical.

When and as I find myself tensing up within and as me, I stop and I breath, and I self forgive beliefs, opinions and ideas, realizing my own survival behavior as fear of loss about information, about possible ‘ what if’ situations as imaginations as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become absorbed with as information within and as me, and I quantify the information within and humble myself to the information without, to assess and investigate, until I see, realize and understand a consideration of all things, to live self forgiveness in every moment.

Day 601 The Worry for Security

So much of my time during the years with my children was worry about remaining stable and being secure. This was in tandem with watching my children. From the time my second child was seven this was a large part of what I worried about. Even when my children were really small and my husband and I decided that remaining with them during the day was what would be best, I remember having thoughts that it unnerved me not to have job, not to be making sure I was secure, because I equated security with money, and felt that depending on someone else made me vulnerable. I even remember thinking to myself to calm me down, “ it is okay.”

Because of this, I have this chatter in my mind where I am constantly thinking about being secure, that I cannot depend on the system, or my family, or anyone but myself. Not that this desire to be responsible is a bad, but the occupation of the whole desire as thoughts in and as my mind, as wanting to have the means to be stable. Now that I am older and my children are out of the house, I include them.

If I allow this to be so much of what motivates/occupies me, and/or what I find I am creating pictures of in my mind as some event that might come along and disturb this, and/or what I feel would be the scenario where I am in that kind of security, I am not actually here fully. And the past as this fear, remains with me, and I find I move into the imagination as it, missing what people say at times, or putting things off because with all this chatter going on, I have abdicated my own focus here, and stopping this inner drama appears to be too difficult. Walking self forgiveness has helped quiet this storm, investigating our present sold system structures  as our government and our financial system, has helped because knowing the structure of here, and investigating how anything works gives clarity into necessary actions.  Also, in becoming more practically clear, the backchat becomes smaller, yet I notice it still exists, I just pull it back and direct because in the end I can only live here, as this is a physical form of creation, which is simply common sense. That what is real is hidden right in front of us, is in itself a red flag. If we look at so many of our systemic beliefs, the physical is demonized in so may ways. This is us rejecting life. And yet, that which is right in front of us, reveals itself in every way, showing the way forward. Unless we believe that the voices in our minds define us, and/or are real, not stopping to look at what thought is in reality overall. It really is like an echo, a susurrus occupation in the background of fear, of rejection of being here with creation.

So, I forgive the ideas, beliefs and opinions in and as my mind, I write them out, then correct them to focus myself here directly, to become one and equal with and as creation as the physical here. Then can I see here, pass through the eye of the needle and remain stable with physical reality, being directive through moving as what does no harm.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to worry.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from myself as life as my common sense, and to allow the voices in and as my mind to be what I am here, instead of standing here, equal and one with and as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must have a job, where I earn money to feel secure and stable in a physical world where the physical is the life I am as me here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to occupy my life with and as back chat of fear in not being stable because I do not have a job and as such will not have the money as the means to remain stable here, not stopping to question why money has come to determine life on earth, when the value is being physical and as such respecting and moving and building a system that respects simple existence as allowing the full potential of life as the physical flourish which means room to change and transform, to expedite and develop creation which would allow all the focus that is the fulfillment of purpose in and as creation here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a voice in and as my mind of “ it is okay” to placate the fear that I feel which overall is an act of ignoring the whole, as the part that is me as a human being in creation as what I am here on earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand immediately those moments where I separate myself from here, existing as knowledge and information as idea  only without practical application, and as such accepted this format without asking questions,  abdicating myself as life, as my common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that as this, I become a physical movement within and as me as energy as thoughts as memories, that separates the focus of me, as my common sense from here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become inferior to life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in this separation I allowed this inner back chat to define me, instead of remaining here, equal and one to and with the physical world, creation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to imagine security

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to imagine security being taken away.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in imagining security or the lack thereof, I am in essence not here, looking here directly with and as that which is the value, which is being here, which is physical.

I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding the lack of ease as me this separation creates, which is a focus on limitation only and not a community with creation as this physical world as this earth here, as this is where solutions exists because this is myself here, as my own common sense of reality that is me.

I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding how this separation confines me, binds me, holds me in a very narrow view of that which is the means of me as the physical here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how this inversion of and as me, builds a resistance to seeing directly here as what I am as a physical being as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how the tension of this stagnates me, not allowing the ease of and as me as my common sense, to accept what is here as the physical, being and expressing with gratitude as the principle of life, which is the principle of equality and oneness, the principle of take that which is good and does no harm, the principle of give as one would receive, the principle of respecting the means and the ways of life being which is the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to reject what is in front of me, as I have allowed myself to be tied to ideas, beliefs and opinions, instead of remaining here, in practical application of physical reality being creation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to build ivory towers as ideas, beliefs and opinions in and as my mind, racing towards this imagination, unequal to here, as my value system as ideas was done in self interest without consideration of life and the racing to and towards these ideas ignored the practice of real living.

When and as I find myself becoming secretive with and as myself I stop and I breath and I slow myself down to see, realize and understand what I am hiding in and as the ideas, beliefs, opinions, fantasies,  imaginations, back chat, desires, wants and needs within and as my mind, 

When and as I find myself no longer hearing what is here in front of me, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I bring myself here, grounding myself in the physical here.

When and as I find myself moving into worry, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I assess, investigate, examine, step out of time, evaluate what is before me, taking that which is good and does no harm, to become at ease, with and as breath here.

When and as I find myself  racing as in not hearing what has been said, or losing patience, or judging the appearance of another, even as their words, I stop and I breath and i slow myself down and I see, realize and understand that I can only hear here, equal and one as the physical, directing in ways that do no harm, taking that which is good, here.

When and as move into am imagination of gloom and doom, I stop and i breath and I slow myself down and I ground myself here, as it is only here that i can step, that i can crawl, that i can change, that i can transform, that I can become equal and one with creation and as such  see to stand equal and one with and as what is me as life information, here.

When and as I find myself feeling overwhelmed with here, as the limitations, within and without, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down, and I assess, evaluate, common sense physical, practical reality here, to stand as what is best for all, respecting life as the physical that is me here.

When and as I find myself whirl-reasoning in and as my mind, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I ground myself here, seeing the physical world directly, assessing practical applications that direct in ways that do no harm, and consider all things, to stand equal and one with and life here as this is me accepting the breathe of creation.

Day 510 Blaming myself and realizing there is no quick fix. Self Forgiveness and Corrective Application

I am looking at two past events, where I was told that my words were not the right ones to use, and another event where i was told that my words were not to be listened to because I was brainwashed, which means what I was saying as words, as tactics, was disruptive.

Within this, I notice a huge self blame moving within me.  And a self righteousness. 

And then a memory comes up of my parents arguing. They are throwing words at one another, and then they suddenly turn to me, and I look at them and say, " you are both saying the same thing, but using different words." This was not what they wanted to hear, and thus, just went back to arguing. 

So, this last time as the words of blame came towards me, I still reacted, but was able to some extent, see my reaction, and just slow down. Within this, I realize I still want to react in protection and self defense and push back in blaming the other for not understanding. I also feel inferior because perhaps it is me, I don't know how to speak, or so I believe. I take the reaction of the other as a threat. I am not immediately understood, and if we look at our present consumerist/entertainment/ all -manner-of-drugs society, we have accustomed ourselves to immediate fixes. Even our medical system is known to stop a symptom but not to address what would cure long term. 

So, if I am busy being this emotionally within, how can I slow down and look at what is built as the words used, and begin to move them, into understanding? To realize tactics towards  problem, solution and thus reward. I am not addressing what might or might not be an explanation that is clear, instead I am protecting myself from accusation that is in itself not slowing down and equalizing understanding. Within this, there is only here, being equal to what is that which enables existence, which is physical reality, thus solution can only be that which does no harm, that which is what is best.In this one can only communicate and reach understanding in physical practical ways, realizing that there is no magical thinking that can solve, only step by step practical movement into equal understanding of how the physical world functions and this, in ways that take that which is good and does not harm.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame myself., to become self blame

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear making a mistake.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I cannot be understood.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that  blame is self not wanting to change, which means blame is self not wanting to accept self as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being considered less than.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as a less than, there is only solution within and as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see ,realize and understand that because of accepting and allowing blame, " less than's " have become an accepted paranormal behavior on earth, as there is only, equality and oneness to that which is the composition of life, which is the physical world, as the physical is the formation of life and as such must be respected as life, as a respect is only doing that which does no harm, and taking that which is good.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that animals do not overwhelm the earth, they work in tandem, as nature balancing themselves out in ways that maintain life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I alone cannot convince another person of life, as they must investigate what is here to see, realize and understand what is here on earth within the totality of creation, and asking one person to explain life is self wanting a quick fix, thus the solution is to walk self equal and one in understanding life in totality, as this is common sense.

When and as I find myself wanting to blame, reacting in righteousness as protection and self defense, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see realize and understand that in one aspect, while I remained calm, I explained in more than one way, and because I am showing a process, I get all manner of reactions from ego, and then I try and explain, and the resistance comes up as the mind of limitation, of knowledge and information trying to build an understanding as mind, which is impossible, and thus it is to remain in simplicity, in what will as a singular action, bring self into equality and oneness with and as life, which means being aware of how this physical world is moving as a system in separation at present, from life, here.

When and as I find myself reacting in self blame, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I remain here, in walking myself equal and one to and with realizing a practical application of walking into equality and oneness to and as life, here.

When and as I find myself blaming myself here, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down and I focus on the movement as the moment in front of me, and I practice walking equal and one as what is best for all, as what supports all life as that which is good and does no harm, here.