Looking at my will. Day 707

I am taking some time to learn about something I have wanted to understand for a long time. I find myself becoming overwhelmed. Then, I notice I want to go into blame towards various things, this appears as a back chat in my head.

This back chat, as the voice of value judgements, can take over, unless I stop. It means using my will to stop, to realize that back chat is a stream of fear, an artifice of judgements, myself not having enough information, and a belief on top of that that this is too much to stand through. All of this in itself an illusion. So many times I have walked through information and gained insight into myself and the world around me, this time it is no different. I can take the time, and go easy with myself and build this understanding. This is how expanding my awareness works. 

I can also relate this to the existent infrastructure of the world, and what I allow when uncertain and overwhelmed, as the same behaviors in other human beings, and the information presented on the media that uses this same experience I allow within myself, to generate a distraction from using what is natural. That nature, being to slow down and investigate no matter what. And this until things are clear, and I gain confidence in directing myself - also not fearing to make a mistake.

In tandem with this, it helps me to remember that just as this emotional storm rises within me, it rises as the same behaviors in others. This reminder to myself, about myself, and this same action in others, allows me to slow down and become patient when communicating with others. Thus, I need not be anxious, instead I can focus myself on what I have allowed within, and the same in the world around me, and  assess the parts and the whole and find solutions that  motivate a clear will and a steady direction, a presence that is sustainable . 

Thus, the moment I find myself  becoming restless, obsessed, impatient, short tempered, I stop, I breath, I slow way down and no matter what, remember myself to being present here on a physical planet, to ground myself and place my will as life, into measurable solutions. 

I also realize how awesome that would be if each were to become this with each one, each human, each animal , each plant and entity on this earth. 

Imagine this accumulating and becoming normal? What kind of world would this create? 

In the most basic of terms, this would become a world absent of behaviors of survival into a world communicating creation. 

Day 620 Going into Positive Value.

Going into the positive value, 

I notice how going into a positive value is defining a moment without really looking  at many implications of what it means to get to the idea that is the positive value. I am so acclimated to being idealistic that being the practical steps to reach the ideal are not immediately moved into and walked, as it is as I have been taught as I have accepted and allowed, an ideal being more than practical application to and towards an ideal.

One instance of this happened yesterday. I was talking about something and the person across from me, suggested a venue for me to go and talk . This pretty much ended the conversation. A positive value was expressed and that was the end.

I relate this to heroin and sugar. Heroin is drug that creates  a high feeling that quickly and surreptitiously  through denial of anything else kills the seeker of that high feeling. Sugar and alcohol are the same. This drug does this over a more extended period of time, drip by drip. All that time spent in seeking the high takes from being focused here, in reality. Walking the connection to being in full awareness of this reality and within this, this ‘ feeling’ ability that follows the quick feeling sensations that appear to be positive and appear to enable anyone to talk to another, is an illusion because the focus is on a limited sensation. Thus, both drugs separate one from being focused here, equal with reality, and because we are physical reality before we are the desire to be high and seek a positive feeling, the physical reality is the real form that would fulfill the total beingness of ourselves.

A love of knowledge and information can also be a high, if I allow this to become a self definition, and seek validation from others about my mental construct of knowledge and information.  But then this can fall flat because it has little volume in the real practice of living. Look, we have systems that we support that come up with theories all day, abstractly, and so little are applied. In many ways this, within a profit based system must exist to check application  but it also causes things to be allowed to manifest that cut corners and cause problems in the environment. None of this is actually being focused here and working with physical reality with such attention and respect for how being physical works.We have the capacity to direct this awareness that is sensual to begin to realize what each seeks is a groundedness with reality, with the physical world.  In so many ways, one could say this is the ultimate high, being in focused awareness here, really sensing what is the means of self, as the physical, where all of self is employed in creation. Thus, a positive statement as a collectively understood way of conversation in idea only, can become a shield of self validation that ends in that beingness as a limited state of being because the grounding walk of the self  does not walk all the way to becoming in practice that ideal, fine tuning the focus of self. Our society has become this, and touts this positive thinking as a value, when such positive thinking if not employed in action all the way,  becomes something that has no real meaning.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a positive statement in a conversation just to have acceptance and self validation within a group of people, or with another person.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to manipulate who and what I am through using positive statements to build a mirror of myself as a personification of being a positive and good person.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use a positive value to maintain a social standing as building an idea into an idol to follow without seeing realizing and understanding that this alone is not real living and that real living means grounding myself here with and as understanding physical reality and becoming in practice that which is good and does no harm.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to conversely react when facing the end game of positive thinking, as statements that are supportive but as the end in themselves are used to deny looking at what real practical application means and requires as steps taken in a physical manifestation of life as life would be.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand how much I have accepted and allowed positive statements to define me, instead of moving into practical application as clear and necessary steps to apply what grounds oneself to focus here equal and one to this physical world, which is to say to be and become the application of life, of living, of respecting reality as the means of my existence here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand the habits I have accepted and allowed, and that to change these habits of acceptance as an end game in a moment only, is an addition to thinking and creating ideals to define me and to gain acceptance and as such have no real value in terms of practical living as respect for actual physical existence here.

When and as I find myself stuck in a moment of self validation in and as a positive statement, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I ground myself here, equal and one with the physical, and I follow through, I let go of a belief, and I move onto the next practical step within and as what grounds me here, in always considering all things and investigating that which is good and does no harm, to equalize myself to and with life as this physical means of my existence as this is life information.

When and as I find myself ending in a positive thought, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I check within and as me, what and how I am hiding - so to speak- within a positive statement only to not face the detail of practical application, and I also, within this, stop and forgive any thoughts that believe a practical application is too much, to ground myself here, and realize the moment as where I am and the step necessary to being a living word as that which investigates and takes that which is good and does no harm, as an idea definition of myself has no real value and as an idea in and as my mind, will not have any constancy within the behavior of me, as such a self definition has no flexibility within and as the practice of actual practical living which is investigating all things and moving in the moment within and as that which is good and does no harm, and that as what builds practical awareness of physical reality as physical reality is the way and the means of life here.

Day 574 How did I remove negativity from my life?

I realized that we live in a practical physical world. I realized that the thoughts I have are of opinion, idea and belief. I learned that these thoughts are often a judgement, in itself not a good or a bad, but when allowed to be a final definition in a physical existence, a limitation, and that allowing of limitation being a behavior of resistance and a fear to change, which overall is rejecting this world around me, this world that is life in expression.

I realized that what another thinks, cannot define me unless I accept and allow it. I realized that what another thinks, is a thought about what is here as life, a thought that one thing can somehow be more than another, when a cup, for all practical purposes, is a cup. That some people are tall, and some are short, that a dog is a dog, that what is here as a form has a function that reveals its nature more than any idea about a thing.

I realized that the arguing of limitations are all based on ideas, opinions and beliefs. I realized that this thinking has communicated a system that is the likeness of this limitation, and that this has been accepted by men to be what is real, when it is not. Yet, this started with each of us, within each of us, as we believed we are defined by ideas instead of what is physically here as life. I realized that the thoughts of another, are composed of the parts of what exists, as the qualities that describ the actual physical world. I realized that what is negative is the lag that I accept as belief that is what mind is and does.

I realized that I am negativity when I force an idea on another without cross referencing practical reality. I realized that what is real, is myself as the very matter of beingness here, in expression.

I realize that an idea about what I am, is not the same as being here, practically with physical matter. When I allow idea before matter/physical, without cross reference and undersanding that matter is built of what I allow, and that what I allow must only be what is best for all, because what I am is dependent on all of the physical, as I am a part of a whole, of which the whole is who I am as I am the very substance of life, so I cannot lose anything. What I believe I am losing is only a thought in and as my mind, and it is a letting go of one idea and moving into another a reflection only, and that this is mind, and that I have been only looking at shadows on a wall, a techno colored wall of shadow that is the mind. When the mind as shadows directs me, defines me, and I move as this limitation without reference to here as the physical, I cause consequences that consume me as I get caught up in putting out the fires ignited by lack of respect for existence as the physical world.

I realize that I have allowed the projection of myself as mind, an abstract of the physical, built of the physical image, to define me, where I reject qualities and push them away, creating a negative as I want my idea to become a positive, as an accepted and validated image and likeness that I desire for myself. I realize that I am overall, a negative, a destructive force in existing as a projection of one thing being more than another as I walk in comstant mis-association as self definition composed of ideas, and beliefs and opinions, as thought that accumulated as I allow them to spin and generate an emotional feeling body that I then call my intuition, all of which is an entity that is in separation from practical physical reality. I then allow this limited value system to define me, and I am then lost in negatives and positives, composed of ideas, accumulating into a limited character. So, I accept and self forgive these self definitions as thoughts, and I realize that my emotional/feeling body is my past of value creation to define me based on my exposure without consideration of the whole world around me. This is myself accepting the negative and the positive and bringing this back down to practical reality, here.

This is how, I rebuild, through self forgiveness and self corrective application, done in writing to place my creation of separation, a negative to run from and a positive to define me, an act that is an ignorance of practical reality overall. As this I forgve the negative as the fear of simply being here, and accept what is here, and build self trust, which is an ease in moving myself here. In essence, I became a practivist, because as this, here is not negative, there is the acceptance of the gift of life, and the practical means to direct in respect of this life here that is physical.

Day 510 Blaming myself and realizing there is no quick fix. Self Forgiveness and Corrective Application

I am looking at two past events, where I was told that my words were not the right ones to use, and another event where i was told that my words were not to be listened to because I was brainwashed, which means what I was saying as words, as tactics, was disruptive.

Within this, I notice a huge self blame moving within me.  And a self righteousness. 

And then a memory comes up of my parents arguing. They are throwing words at one another, and then they suddenly turn to me, and I look at them and say, " you are both saying the same thing, but using different words." This was not what they wanted to hear, and thus, just went back to arguing. 

So, this last time as the words of blame came towards me, I still reacted, but was able to some extent, see my reaction, and just slow down. Within this, I realize I still want to react in protection and self defense and push back in blaming the other for not understanding. I also feel inferior because perhaps it is me, I don't know how to speak, or so I believe. I take the reaction of the other as a threat. I am not immediately understood, and if we look at our present consumerist/entertainment/ all -manner-of-drugs society, we have accustomed ourselves to immediate fixes. Even our medical system is known to stop a symptom but not to address what would cure long term. 

So, if I am busy being this emotionally within, how can I slow down and look at what is built as the words used, and begin to move them, into understanding? To realize tactics towards  problem, solution and thus reward. I am not addressing what might or might not be an explanation that is clear, instead I am protecting myself from accusation that is in itself not slowing down and equalizing understanding. Within this, there is only here, being equal to what is that which enables existence, which is physical reality, thus solution can only be that which does no harm, that which is what is best.In this one can only communicate and reach understanding in physical practical ways, realizing that there is no magical thinking that can solve, only step by step practical movement into equal understanding of how the physical world functions and this, in ways that take that which is good and does not harm.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame myself., to become self blame

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear making a mistake.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I cannot be understood.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that  blame is self not wanting to change, which means blame is self not wanting to accept self as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being considered less than.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as a less than, there is only solution within and as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see ,realize and understand that because of accepting and allowing blame, " less than's " have become an accepted paranormal behavior on earth, as there is only, equality and oneness to that which is the composition of life, which is the physical world, as the physical is the formation of life and as such must be respected as life, as a respect is only doing that which does no harm, and taking that which is good.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that animals do not overwhelm the earth, they work in tandem, as nature balancing themselves out in ways that maintain life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I alone cannot convince another person of life, as they must investigate what is here to see, realize and understand what is here on earth within the totality of creation, and asking one person to explain life is self wanting a quick fix, thus the solution is to walk self equal and one in understanding life in totality, as this is common sense.

When and as I find myself wanting to blame, reacting in righteousness as protection and self defense, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see realize and understand that in one aspect, while I remained calm, I explained in more than one way, and because I am showing a process, I get all manner of reactions from ego, and then I try and explain, and the resistance comes up as the mind of limitation, of knowledge and information trying to build an understanding as mind, which is impossible, and thus it is to remain in simplicity, in what will as a singular action, bring self into equality and oneness with and as life, which means being aware of how this physical world is moving as a system in separation at present, from life, here.

When and as I find myself reacting in self blame, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I remain here, in walking myself equal and one to and with realizing a practical application of walking into equality and oneness to and as life, here.

When and as I find myself blaming myself here, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down and I focus on the movement as the moment in front of me, and I practice walking equal and one as what is best for all, as what supports all life as that which is good and does no harm, here.

Day 482 Realizing the mind as associating within limited values. LIFE NOT.

I had an image pop up that my mind wanted to follow, a circular house with two walls, like a corridor between the inner rooms and the outer wall, the windows above bringing in light, somehow in the small detail in the back of my mind was the sense that this building hid the outer world yet, used the light. And there was a window, long, rectangular, reaching out to the exterior from each inner room.

I have been obsessed with looking at small houses, and I have noticed that desire to have a perfect house, imagining what I might want.

This window that was the same or similar design as what M. did in the P. house.

All of this is a transfer of the male story onto a house, which is accepting being my own caretaker, and then moving this into the house, of care, so to speak. Still this is a shield from the outer world, a protection and defense, myself the many characters as the women in the house sleeping as the rooms were sleeping rooms, myself not wanting to face the emotional values in the words of others, the threat of not adhering to these words with inference d values.

I find myself looking back over my day and how i have interacted with another, the sound of their voice. And I notice I want to move to that voice and match it, as in serve the emotional/feeling values laced within their words, also looking at the words in between sets of associations, because the mind screams its limitations. I notice a resistance to NOT follow.

I have to breath, to let this fear of NO SERVICE to the underpinning match game as habit, as fearing the other to not “ like” me and as protection and defense of facing myself here. I have to look out, so to speak, and not react when the words of another “ hit me” in what is a discordant manner, which is myself in a state of  not letting myself  go as belief, as idea, and stop and breath, and realize that I as life as sound, can metamorphose as mind with a common sense of the environment around me, meaning not remain in the infinite self interest, inform as how I have learned, accepted and allowed, myself to build a character and personification of my social cultural/national heritage that was in total that of a bordered existence as what humans have created on earth.  And that the contrast of listening to another need not be a burden to carry as a pain, where I believe as a woman that this is my responsibility. I won’t lose any definition, as letting go of my own limited self defining values, as I realize at moments within interacting with others, how limited I have been within my awareness  and / or  this same happening in another where a tendency would be to go into superiority that then overwhelms me to the point where the negative to this self aggrandizement leads to  a fear of carrying responsibility as in turning this into a burden. Within all of this I create my own pain.  And meanwhile, all around me is an earth that is round, forgiving as the resources have no one’s name on them and as such belong to all, as the resources are life. In the end, what is best for all life, is what is best for myself. I can let go the shame, the burden, the pain, as myself trying to answer to all factions, when all that I need is the principle of what is best for all, here. It is to just stop, and use my own common sense.

I was listening to an interview of someone riding first class on an American train. Normally, they rode “ commuter class” ( the names are always changing - wonder why/). To them there was little difference, and the accouterments were based on values from another era, like a black maid, a white table cloth, etc. all little things that are associated with a “ more than” classier environment. Meanwhile, it was a train, moving from one point to another. All the same, except for small changes. But a human will make this huge, or devalue it, to justify a relationship within as a self definition, and become so occupied with this that what is real is not really looked at.

As a society, each of us has accumulated so much of such values, that we no longer look beyond this and because of such accepted and allowed limited common sense of the whole, we have become ignorant of our world and the movements and forms we have allowed : for example how money moves and a multitude of  values as justifications we have given money, like we use money to keep our limited values in place so we do not lose them all the while missing the real value and one that can be lived with ease as we no longer need to chase a metaphysical carrot as idea. Overall,  this separation that is self created and of no real understanding of reality, of which we are more than able to do. Ironically, that which we seek in collecting the self defining values is right here as the solution of equality. This to value life, all life, as life is the value, and thus to accept and respect all life. To give all men the means to become their full potential, to give as we would like to receive to get ourselves out of our separation from life.

In all, our elite are this. They are us in another life. And they are so caught in this that they really believe that they are somehow superior. And it is only a belief in the head, a projection that is an association of values that are used to define a self, that then becomes a personification of this self, in manner, in dress, leading to a deed to support this and the thoughts as the measure of this taught building a concrete mind/ a mind map, a mental imagery of data that serves ideals that direct instead of common sense. And the irony, is that moving as common sense would mean giving all of this up, and as this becoming so much more than that limited personification. It would be to give up everything - so to speak - to become an EVERYTHING that is an equality to life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that something of myself as how I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself will be lost unless I protect and defend that value as an idea.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that ideas define me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have accumulated ideas to define me, instead of using my own common sense and equalizing myself to physical reality here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to protect and defend ideas, beliefs and opinions as taking one small value based on a idea from my past and from a cultural past and using this as the measure of myself, and as such ignoring the real value as the physical as the life around me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear facing the value system of another, and within this to fear being bullied verbally and /or physically should I not match the limited values systems of self definition as the society created by men on earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that listening to another’s self validation as life story as touting limited values is a burden, where I believe that out of some belief in respect, as a social norm it is my responsibility to listen and empathize, and for this I forgive myself as the only choice is to do what is best for all here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hide within myself, my own limited values and silently compare within and as myself to protect and defend my own value system because in effect I fear a “ value war” and/or realizing that my values are an ignorant acceptance that will be revealed for what they are, a limited value system that has inhibited my life, and as such I become embarrassed and fear my lack of awareness being exposed, and for this I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear my values being questioned.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to enjoy life and move within looking at my limited value system and letting it go, as in transforming myself  within learning about others, and as such expanding my awareness, which is in essence to enjoy life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I will be hurt and that this will be painful if and as someone questions my value system or in sharing their value system I become responsible for not having clarified the limitations as in questioning their values as is the responsibility of myself as life, and because of this what I fear is that in questioning the values of another, I will be met with bullying and deemed difficult, both scenarios simply mean, an accepted mean as reaction in self defense,  looking at what has been accepted and allowed as idea, and aligning within and as what is best for all, what does no harm , what brings stability and ease of being, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being wrong

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being bullied

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe I am a right as in only being this, and as this fearing the responsibility of this, when such can be clarified through taking the time to investigate to realize what is best practice as what does no harm, and as this that rushing, and hurrying in haste is not worth the risk as the consequences of non-investigation end up causing one to retrace their steps.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to touted “ value drives” as personification  just as I might react to a sale that suggests value drives, where I allow myself to believe that I am inferior unless I take on that opportunity as a value interaction through worship of value as personification in another or as purchasing a trinket to place in my environment to ostensibly give myself more value.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that listening and being socially polite as the norm is a burden

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that idea only is superior or inferior to me as me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that something will be lost if I give up ideas I have accepted and allowed about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I will have no definition should I give up values as ideas, as pushing away what I define as being less than, and bringing forward as what I define as being a more than, not seeing realizing and understanding that as such I am within my mind on a polarity roller coaster of right and wrong instead of being here equal and one, in common sense of physical existence which is practical.

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When and as I find myself constricting within and as me, as my human physical body, i stop and I breath and I slow myself down.

When and as I find myself comparing my self to others, i stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I bring myself back here one and equal to breath, I touch something within my physical environment and take the time to stabilize myself.

When and as I find myself beginning to brew a storm in a teacup, so to speak, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down as I see realize and understand as my body constricts within this that i am reacting as a value judgement.

When and as I find myself reacting to the thought, word or deed of another, I stop and I breath, I slow myself down to stabilize myself here, before I speak, or do not speak.

When and as I find myself  beginning to breath in shortened breaths, I stop and I slow myself down, I stabilize my breath as this is a smoke and mirrors show as anxiety in fear of loss, or control of myself as being confrontational as reaction, and within this I move as the principle of what is best for all, here.

When and as I find myself encountering the words of another I stop and I breath and I see realize and understand that the words of another do not define me, here.

When and as I find myself tensing within and as my human physical body, I stop and I breath and I see, realize and understand that I am here, and can stabilize as breath, and within this that all the associations being presented are parts of a whole even as judgements of good and bad, and as such  can be brought back to the whole within the principle of what is best for all here, where the only choice is what does not harm, what gives as one would like to receive, as there is no real life until the parts are in full potential, as each human, each plant, each animal, each water molecule, as the parts are only substantiated into the extraordinary when all working as individual yet equal, a state that cannot exist as long a hierarchy is the accepted and allowed form as men on earth because this is a value system of more than and less than by its very design and therefor must come to an end if life is to begin. 

When and as I find myself reacting to the exterior system that is a consequence of what humans have accepted and allowed that has accumulated into the present system that abuses as profit is the law before life, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down and I realize that this began within and as me, and as such, the only choice is to do what is best for all here.

In all, our elite are this. And they are so caught in this that they really believe that they are somehow superior. And it is only a belief in the head, a projection that is an association of values that are used to define a self, that then becomes a personification of this self, in manner, in dress, leading to a deed to support this and the thoughts as the measure of this taught building a concrete mind/ a mind map, a mental imagery of data that serves ideals that direct instead of common sense. And the irony, is that moving as common sense would mean giving all of this up, and as this becoming so much more than that limited personification. It would be to give up everything - so to speak - to become an EVERYTHING that is an equality to life.