Sunday, February 1, 2015

Day 601 The Worry for Security

So much of my time during the years with my children was worry about remaining stable and being secure. This was in tandem with watching my children. From the time my second child was seven this was a large part of what I worried about. Even when my children were really small and my husband and I decided that remaining with them during the day was what would be best, I remember having thoughts that it unnerved me not to have job, not to be making sure I was secure, because I equated security with money, and felt that depending on someone else made me vulnerable. I even remember thinking to myself to calm me down, “ it is okay.”
Because of this, I have this chatter in my mind where I am constantly thinking about being secure, that I cannot depend on the system, or my family, or anyone but myself. Not that this desire to be responsible is a bad, but the occupation of the whole desire as thoughts in and as my mind, as wanting to have the means to be stable. Now that I am older and my children are out of the house, I include them.

If I allow this to be so much of what motivates/occupies me, and/or what I find I am creating pictures of in my mind as some event that might come along and disturb this, and/or what I feel would be the scenario where I am in that kind of security, I am not actually here fully. And the past as this fear, remains with me, and I find I move into the imagination as it, missing what people say at times, or putting things off because with all this chatter going on, I have abdicated my own focus here, and stopping this inner drama appears to be too difficult. Walking self forgiveness has helped quiet this storm, investigating our present sold system structures  as our government and our financial system, has helped because knowing the structure of here, and investigating how anything works gives clarity into necessary actions.  Also, in becoming more practically clear, the backchat becomes smaller, yet I notice it still exists, I just pull it back and direct because in the end I can only live here, as this is a physical form of creation, which is simply common sense. That what is real is hidden right in front of us, is in itself a red flag. If we look at so many of our systemic beliefs, the physical is demonized in so may ways. This is us rejecting life. And yet, that which is right in front of us, reveals itself in every way, showing the way forward. Unless we believe that the voices in our minds define us, and/or are real, not stopping to look at what thought is in reality overall. It really is like an echo, a susurrus occupation in the background of fear, of rejection of being here with creation.
So, I forgive the ideas, beliefs and opinions in and as my mind, I write them out, then correct them to focus myself here directly, to become one and equal with and as creation as the physical here. Then can I see here, pass through the eye of the needle and remain stable with physical reality, being directive through moving as what does no harm.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to worry.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from myself as life as my common sense, and to allow the voices in and as my mind to be what I am here, instead of standing here, equal and one with and as the physical.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must have a job, where I earn money to feel secure and stable in a physical world where the physical is the life I am as me here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to occupy my life with and as back chat of fear in not being stable because I do not have a job and as such will not have the money as the means to remain stable here, not stopping to question why money has come to determine life on earth, when the value is being physical and as such respecting and moving and building a system that respects simple existence as allowing the full potential of life as the physical flourish which means room to change and transform, to expedite and develop creation which would allow all the focus that is the fulfillment of purpose in and as creation here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a voice in and as my mind of “ it is okay” to placate the fear that I feel which overall is an act of ignoring the whole, as the part that is me as a human being in creation as what I am here on earth.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand immediately those moments where I separate myself from here, existing as knowledge and information as idea  only without practical application, and as such accepted this format without asking questions,  abdicating myself as life, as my common sense.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that as this, I become a physical movement within and as me as energy as thoughts as memories, that separates the focus of me, as my common sense from here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become inferior to life here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in this separation I allowed this inner back chat to define me, instead of remaining here, equal and one to and with the physical world, creation.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to imagine security
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to imagine security being taken away.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in imagining security or the lack thereof, I am in essence not here, looking here directly with and as that which is the value, which is being here, which is physical.
I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding the lack of ease as me this separation creates, which is a focus on limitation only and not a community with creation as this physical world as this earth here, as this is where solutions exists because this is myself here, as my own common sense of reality that is me.
I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding how this separation confines me, binds me, holds me in a very narrow view of that which is the means of me as the physical here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how this inversion of and as me, builds a resistance to seeing directly here as what I am as a physical being as life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how the tension of this stagnates me, not allowing the ease of and as me as my common sense, to accept what is here as the physical, being and expressing with gratitude as the principle of life, which is the principle of equality and oneness, the principle of take that which is good and does no harm, the principle of give as one would receive, the principle of respecting the means and the ways of life being which is the physical.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to reject what is in front of me, as I have allowed myself to be tied to ideas, beliefs and opinions, instead of remaining here, in practical application of physical reality being creation.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to build ivory towers as ideas, beliefs and opinions in and as my mind, racing towards this imagination, unequal to here, as my value system as ideas was done in self interest without consideration of life and the racing to and towards these ideas ignored the practice of real living.

When and as I find myself becoming secretive with and as myself I stop and I breath and I slow myself down to see, realize and understand what I am hiding in and as the ideas, beliefs, opinions, fantasies,  imaginations, back chat, desires, wants and needs within and as my mind, 
When and as I find myself no longer hearing what is here in front of me, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I bring myself here, grounding myself in the physical here.
When and as I find myself moving into worry, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I assess, investigate, examine, step out of time, evaluate what is before me, taking that which is good and does no harm, to become at ease, with and as breath here.
When and as I find myself  racing as in not hearing what has been said, or losing patience, or judging the appearance of another, even as their words, I stop and I breath and i slow myself down and I see, realize and understand that I can only hear here, equal and one as the physical, directing in ways that do no harm, taking that which is good, here.
When and as move into am imagination of gloom and doom, I stop and i breath and I slow myself down and I ground myself here, as it is only here that i can step, that i can crawl, that i can change, that i can transform, that I can become equal and one with creation and as such  see to stand equal and one with and as what is me as life information, here.
When and as I find myself feeling overwhelmed with here, as the limitations, within and without, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down, and I assess, evaluate, common sense physical, practical reality here, to stand as what is best for all, respecting life as the physical that is me here.
When and as I find myself whirl-reasoning in and as my mind, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I ground myself here, seeing the physical world directly, assessing practical applications that direct in ways that do no harm, and consider all things, to stand equal and one with and life here as this is me accepting the breathe of creation.






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