This weekend I came across an antique piece that was a panel on wheels, about two feet high, with a ‘Y’ fork on both sides. I kept staring at it wondering about its practical use. Meanwhile, I had a sense of dis-ease, that I would call having a quality of being morbid.
I asked about the practical use of this object, and the woman said it was to carry coffins. It made sense. Yet, I noticed that the ‘ feeling’ as the emotion was a sense of dread and fear, like the emotions were a memory that hung within me, that did not name the object specifically. Wow.
I also notice more and more how I can be doing something, and forget why I moved in a direction to ‘ do something.’ I get so caught in emotions and feelings and become that which I sensed without any real awareness in practical measure. The projection as an emotional body was ‘ stronger’ than the reality. How much am I doing this, being this, allowing this, instead of being here? Even to catch this ‘ mind over matter’ as what I allow takes my will to continually cross reference these entities of emotion in every moment, so seemingly subtle, yet so ‘ loud’ that presence here can become aware and stop this shadow world. If it can be done, and as I say in this moment, ‘ it can be undone.’
This week also, I was reminded of an educator that developed a ‘ theory’ in the mid 1900’s. Interestingly enough, this was about 50 years after the advent of public schooling, that machine that uses this ‘ entity building’ as imagination to build constructions of knowledge that have no practical purpose and actually separate us from seeing directly here, as is our natural ability. This educators name was Vygotsky. He said that we construct knowledge and must deconstruct when we learn ‘ new’ knowledge. Yet, real ‘ knowledge is being present here, and remaining within an awareness of the practical physical world. In essence we can deconstruct - so to speak- to reconstruct in every moment. I ask myself, is this the self living here, with presence, focused? Is this the ‘ speed’ at which we are really meant to live? Do we know what this is, or do we move only as idea, as creating with our inner selves only, believing this to be what is real, more real that reality?
I mean, even so-called ‘ mindfulness’ realizes that we are not the back chat in our heads, yet do we realize that information accumulates in our physical bodies and can become a presence around us- and triggered by an object such as I experienced in crossing paths with an object I could not define in practical terms, yet also sensed an ominous emotion to in response? Is this the cult of believing emotion over reality? Is this what we have become? Is this the zombie within and as me? Is this the consequence of a mind consciousness? Is our within as polluted as the world without? Is the consequence of the pollution of the world without, the result of the separation from being present here, in this physical world as the focus of each of us on emotion and feeling entities/bodies rather than being present and here? Am I so distant from myself being present that I have a question in my mind as ‘ what is that!” about a coffin carrier that also carries an emotional body that is ambiguous it is so distant in memory or a genetic ‘ memory’?
What have we allowed? What have we done? This appears so deep, yet it has no real substance. It is like a smoke and mirrors show, where the emotional/feeling entity is smoke and the mirrors are myself looking at the memory that in itself is so vague I miss it? And this overall, making it clear that by its nature, it is a projection and not real, and thus but a veil that is so thin, it has no real power. If I acknowledge this as real, then the joke is on me, because no one can change this/ deconstruct this but me/myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become of curiosity in response to uncertainty, in relation to an object I could not name, as I was busy within and as myself as a slight ominous presence of morbidity.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not read between the lines to sense this emotion, enough to realize and name it, in terms of it being morbid, which would relate to death and coffins.
I forgive myself for becoming confused about an object, and in the moment not seeing realizing and understanding how I was possessed with an emotional entity about something from another generation, within and as me, a very distant emotion, like I was standing in another era, and then this entity being like living in the past, and how I, before walking a process of self forgiveness, would have walked away to not face such a reaction, and how much this can move a person would they not understand this, and believe such an vague seeming emotional/feeling body to seem so real, without taking the time to look at the mind and it constructs and realizing them to not be what is here, in reality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist as a smoke and mirrors show of the past, embedded within my genes as what has been generated by men, over time, within and as the accumulation of a mind consciousness over a life consciousness.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself, in relation to my memories, to react to an object based on an idea, as a judgement without practical investigation of the physical world, and the separation that has existed as false idols of mind consciousness aggrandizement that are an entity of the past coming up like a ghost in the machine as myself as the physical here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to project an ominous entity onto an object, and to ignore this, in the moment only to see this upon the next moment’s introspection.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to project a value of ominousness onto a coffin carrier.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I actually have done this since childhood, meaning, when I noticed some emotional sense, in a building etc. I have wanted to move directly into it, to see, to sense what such a presence was, as though it was real, to the point at times, where friends I was with would not ‘ come with me’ which I took to mean that they sensed this too and could not face what I was noticing and even though I was scared, at times I purposely did what I resisted because I do not like people telling me what I can do and what I can’t do. lol
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to at times have allowed this to define me as being courageous, or special.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not have taken this same thing and applied this to beliefs, opinions and ideas, and instead to have reacted towards beliefs, opinions and ideas, as a good and/or a bad, and tried to impress my own beliefs, opinions and ideas, as my own limited constructs of knowledge and information without practical application and thorough investigation into and as what would be best for all, as a principled starting point that considered all things, taking that which is good and does no harm to any living thing in a physical formation of and as life, as what life would be, which is right here in front of us as this earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand the whole construct in the moment as the entity of doom and gloom, as a morbidity within seeing this coffin carrier, and my reaction as ‘ what is that’ as the back chat in my head, that had a picture show of a funeral, that perhaps came from watching a movie, such a cluttered imagery in and as my mind, embedded as data- so to speak -in my physical body, and myself to not recognize this as what I am allowing to direct me, if I separate from being practical here, in respect of the physical world, from where such projections originate as the source of imagery that I accept and allow into memory, that diminish the life of me, as myself really living here, accepting life, accepting creation; the very means of life in expression.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a fog of fear, of separation, of and as a mind consciousness only, as ideas of death being morbid only- which it is as it is not a transformative act- and being so in separation that I take this projection as being real, without critical thinking skills being applied in the moment to ground myself here, recognizing the smoke of belief as an imposition within that is not equal to living.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear death.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not investigate what I am accepting and allowing as idea as mind, to see, realize and understand the lack of presence and real substance, as life that is me here, unaffected by such projections when and as I slow myself down, and see such for what it is, a smoke and mirrors show that has not real equality and oneness with and as the physical world here.
When and as I find myself having an emotional/feeling back chat movement within and as me, as my mind, I stop and I breath, and I cross reference my accepted and allowed imaginations, projections, fantasies, as what they are as mind constructions, and I slow way down, forgive the ghosts in the machine as my physical body, and ground myself here, equal and one in common sense of life, as the physical world here.
When and as I find myself forgetting where I am and how I had decided to move myself, I stop and I breath and I bring myself here, until I am calm, serene, grounded, stable within and as my breath, no longer allowing myself to separate from here, no longer allowing myself to abdicate myself as life into a limited mind consciousness - as the choice , the only choice is to ground myself here, equal and one with and as the physical as this is me in another life, as this is what I am, in all thankfulness, humbleness and gratitude, here.
When and as I find myself uncertain and confused as to what and where I am within what I do and where I am as myself as life, I stop, I breath, I ground myself here, I investigate here, until I am stable, and then I assess the practical world as the physical, to reconstruct myself into equality and oneness with and as the physical world, here, using self forgiveness, practical application and a self correction using words to construct what is best for all as equality and oneness to and with and as the physical.
When and as I find myself moving into longing, as being ashamed of my own accepted and allowed separation, I stop and I breath, and I forgive myself to see, realize and understand that the only choice, the only real freedom is to accept the physical world as life information, to move equal and one, in respect of and as the physical world, here.
Thus, I walk, into equality and oneness, assessing the within with the without, grounding myself here, cross referencing reality as the physical, to become the practice of and as what is best for all, respecting myself and the physical world around me that is me, to no longer allow entities of belief, idea and opinions to define me as in to separate myself from real living resisting what I fear and accepting what I believe will enable me to survive in a system of mind consciousness that has accumulated over generations of separation, into a system at present on earth that is only an entity that has no real power but what is given to it as being real, as the information of and as it has not real power to create, because it is not equal and one, with and as reality, in respect of and as life, as the very means of living, here as the physical.