Changing, looking away from judgement- a fear of loss. The will to withstand the test of time.
Looking at my mind constructions, I see a pattern. I am using the means of understanding something, as the means to assess, to protect myself from having to stand through upsetting another person, and then moving into an idea that I have no control. I move from the small, as immediate relationships, to the collective- the group. I fear addressing an immediate discrepancy, meaning - as the words I want to use in this moment- balancing out something that is uncomfortable because, by default, it somehow is not stable, meaning clear. Then, I get caught in a dis-quiet that I cannot name- and of course, I cannot name something because I had not sorted it out! So, within the small immediate situations, I have to slow down, breath, and sort things out, and since the beginning of this was never addressed, it means that I do not have the answer within my memory of that action! Hence I can only sort out the unsorted in real time, here. And, I can use what I missed, in a rush in time and space, and ground myself back into the small practical measures that bring me back into a momentum of doing in ways that build a self confidence in directing in real time because I realize that to be present, I have to ground with all things- as in not only being lost in an idea of loss as a construct of the mind- which is the unsorted values of the lack of clarity. This becomes a snake eating its own tale/tail.
Then, when I face a group, I get overwhelmed, because it appears that sorting out the smaller things, is too overwhelming. Those very early movements that were not sorted out, as what lacked a wholistic certainty, or absolute purpose, where absolute purpose was a movement of ease, as in an absence of conflict and friction, more symbiotic, or rather as a word that resonates in this moment for me, more synergistic/ all encompassing, I have already accepted chaos and by remaining within that unsorted or ungrounded state, become passive.
I think of a child asking why there is war, and the parents saying something like “ because there are bad people in the world” Then the child asking why there are bad people, and the parent saying,” because they do bad things” and the child asking why they do bad things, and the parent saying- perhaps- ‘ because they believe their god is more than our god.” This is a non-answer, this sorts nothing out for a child that has no religion, because children are not born with religion! This is creating this ‘ noun thing’ somewhere that has no definition. This is the onset of a metaphysical construct that lacks any and all practical application. This builds a fear, religion is thus a fear tactic!
This construct, this metaphysical construct, also takes the focus away from the solution, as looking at the details of why people are ‘ bad.” This non-looking must be of something, because that non-looking is using something to sustain that non-looking! Hence, our memories are pictures and words ( as the practice of mindfulness suggests that which we understand as thoughts need not define us- a memory that was non-existent when we were born ) and is a composition of the unsorted that becomes the veil of seeing only the lack that was never addressed! Would this not slow the cognitive ability of a child down by the third grade? Would this not accumulate until, as adults, we had a harder time learning new things? The unsorted, the non-clarified becomes the wall of separation from a natural ability to assess and come up with new ways of doing things, which men can do so well when present and at ease- meaning not moving as a survival race/game/ideology.
As a child, if I faced this when I asked too many questions, this wall in the adult, that was an end game of blame without clarification and that object of justification for the unsorted. Myself not having any religion, and having to hear this end game again and again, accepting it to survive, which is accepting the unsorted, never having the opportunity to verbally frame the uncertainty of this end game as I was also learning the language, had I been more verbal, could I as the small child made it through the wall of the unsorted within my parents? No. The race of the mind of unsortedness was much bigger than myself. It is kind of like being Joan of Arc, one voice in a see/sea of unsortedness.
Hence, the unsorted, in my early learning stages would have culminated in an uncertainty, both in being drawn away from a real consistent focus on the practice of real physical living as what I am here, and realizing that I was building a limited measure within as ideas, beliefs and opinions about unsorted things, that would begin to come to take up so much of my time as my memory imitating the lack of clarity in the adults, that I would get lost in the limited constructions in the process of constructing to the point where I accepted the constructs of the unsorted, the unnamed, and forgotten resolving the initial lack of clarity metaphysical ideas that placed responsibility onto some noun non-existent figure became what and who I was in measure. This is a real mess. It means that memory is constructed and memory is a distraction from reality. Memory is the past event. So, why do we force learning through memory? It is like building understanding through the past, without using the present. If one’s past is of the ‘ unsorted” to a greater degree would it not cause an inability to function in our present system? And would not this corporate hierarchy that wants to own products to sell for wealth accumulation want the unsorted to not sort out the constructs of the mind? Yet, who is to blame for all of this? Who started this? No one can put this back together again but the self that accepted and allowed this. Yet, this is the fun, because this is being self directive- this sorting out!
What I remember being as a child, is a sense of complete confusion as the main word I would describe myself as back then. In this, I can understand why so many children develop so many fears. Their fears are the unsorted that make no sense. Something that makes no sense gives no stable presence of self responsibility!
Within this, if the lack of clarity can be followed, it can be seen! It may not have the physical form in density of a tree. Yet, it must have some physical formation otherwise how could I have come to follow it, as in remain in the lack of clarity!? And what focused on that metaphysical construction? It must be lighter than that construct!!!! This means that I can see this! This means that I can sort this out. This means that I can address the limitation and correct it, even when I see this in another. And this means that since this is what I seek, this is what all seek. All seek a way out of the dis-clarity, the con-fused limitation that is a veil, that is metaphysical and more solid than what can move without friction, meaning with ease. That is a huge game changer!
And the thing of this is, that we all have it. This means that we see the lies and the deceptions of our own lack of clarity. This means that no one, not one single hued-man sheathed in a metaphysical character, that screams their personification to maintain that personification, can hide. Why do I say personification, because maintaining that separation of lack, is more work that living in clarity - in the end. When we know something we are at ease, when we are uncertain and unclear, we are anxious.
For myself, I have to realize where I moved in fear, as in uncertainty, where I accepted the unsorted, the unstable, the impractical, and forgive myself for accepting limitations that became self defining lacks, and bring my presence here, to assess, sort out, and balance my presence to the point where my memory is moving in equality and oneness with all life. I must become equal and one to the physical world.
Nothing is hidden, all can be seen. And, everything can self empower through equality and oneness. The action is to take that which is good and does no harm. The thought, word and deed is to do what is best for all.
B-earth Your Self Into Life. Be Present Here.