I have been told that I am, or have loved, to be intellectual. Yet, this being true to some extent, it never really quite fit. I loved words in many ways. I loved it when someone said something in a different way. I could read very badly written books just to hear how the person said something. Here, in contrast, I have so-called educated friends that could not read a book that was badly written. Thus, by contrast, I was not only, as another way to say this, interested in well written books, I could read and listen to people who were not so polished in their use of words. I had learned that even unsophisticated word use could have, in relation to myself, undiscovered insight and perspective. Because of this, I did not see myself as an intellectual. Through a measure of not only reading some collectively accepted ‘ well written or spoken “ word usage, I did not place myself in being ‘ intellectual.” Amazing how I can justify resisting one point through one degree of difference! lol Yet, this is also a misplaced creative ability, an ability to absorb and discern measure. This is a great strength turned within, inverting things within only, and as a consequence completely separate from reality, from the physical, from including reference to all life.
In a moment, I realized how I had used words as a shield, creating a personality. In that moment, there was that personality, like a projection of an idea, to protect me ( from?) as loving words. By extension this is loving information. I created a protective wall of words. There I was standing behind the words. In that moment, my whole voice and presence changed, like a mirage being removed, or being seen. I can’t do that anymore. It is to say that I always gave from a point of self protection, which is self interest, and never gave of myself. My survival came first.
So, I ask myself, have I listened to words to protect myself, or have I listened to words to see through the veiled constructions of others in lack or in a seeming polished word use? And, by extension, have I been a seeker and a lover of information,? The difference is so subtle, yet both exist, and they are an occupation, separating me from myself, from being present here. It is no wonder I have not been able to open my heart and give of myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to love words in self interest.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use words in protection and self defense.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear words.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create a personality, a persona of words, charging words with a value in and of themselves.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that words are a means of communication, never being the reality around me as the physical, the real information that is creation information.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that if I do not have the words I do not understand, thereby getting caught up in such a belief, and missing what is right here in front of me, as the physical, where words are the means of men to communicate and order themselves within.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to make idols of words.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a dictionary lacking reference to life, as the physical, the real information of life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to cling to words as a means of getting attention.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that part of me that forms the words,
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to over time, lose myself in words, and separate myself from being grounded, here, equal with what is real, as the physical, as who and what I am before any words came to be the means of communication as me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into self pity, like a rain coming down, from my mind, like the death of an idea, as something I have allowed to limit the expression of myself as life, and to feel shame, and regret, as this is more of the same, as myself in separation from being present here, respecting everything that is here as the physical world, thus instead of self pity, and shame and regret, it is to ground myself here, standing up as who and what I am as a physical beingness in expression here.
Within this, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am not enough.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that my words are not enough, when it is not the words it is what and who I am in relation to the words I speak.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to remember myself to the physical in every moment, in every breath, the very infrastructure of here, as this earth, as this hearth, as this heart of and as me, being grounded in reality as the physical, here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to become like the stars in the sky, emerging from the darkness, as being the real potential of myself as life, in expression here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within and as an inflated value system, charged with resistances and acceptances as value judgements about the physical, in protection and defense of my own fear of being life, in a mind consciousness system of limited ideas, opinions and beliefs, hidden in the labels and idols of gender, culture, race, nationality, class, religion.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hide through the use of words, in ritual, tradition, and testimonials about reality without real investigation that I have accepted and allowed without question and without cross reference to the practical, as the physical reality that is me, before any and all ideas, beliefs and opinions I accept and allow to define me, and to instead remember being present and grounded, in respect of the infrastructure of and as the physical world.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how the present system is the same as me, using constructs of and as words to create a legal fiction supporting a military industrial complex of protection and defense, using the economy of the ecology that is the means of life to hold in place constructs of beliefs , opinions and ideas, creating rituals, ceremonies and testaments that one thing is more than another, all in separation from reality as the physical.
When and as I find myself beginning to speak, I stop and I breath, and I ground myself here, slowing way down, to assess my starting point.
When and as I find myself beginning to speak, I stop, I breath, I slow myself down, and I remember the physical the practical, here.
When and as I find myself using words, within and without, I slow way down, breath and ground myself here, remembering my feet on the ground, and all that is here as the physical, the trees, the animals, the plants, the planets, the air, the water, the soils, the birds, the dogs, the cats, the horses etc.
When and as I find myself placing myself into and as words, I stop, I breath, I slow myself way down, to accept and allow the physical as me, here.
When and as I find myself moving to express words, I stop, I assess reality, I ground myself, here, I let go of the past, as what I have accepted and allowed, and I stand here.
When and as I find myself reacting to words, I stop and I breath, and I sort them out here, grounding them here, bringing resistances, jealousies, limitations here, relating ideas, beliefs and opinions as words, to the physical, as reality, as the practical, here.
When and as I find myself becoming tense, within and as my chest area, and my physical body, I stop and I breath, I slow myself down, and I ground myself here, no longer accepting and allowing a projection of words as a wall of defense, to realize the simple in the moment, as I am here, in this moment.
When and as I find myself reacting to limitation, to resistance, to justification, to jealousy, I stop and I breath and I ground myself in the infrastructure of the physical, to live what is practical, here, realizing what does no harm, here.
When and as I find myself becoming a personality of words, of loving words, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I ground myself here, equal and one to the physical, in respect of life, here.
When and as I find myself moving as words only, I stop and I breath, and I ground myself here, to see realize and understand the physical, to understand life, which is physical through a cross reference of the life that surrounds me and is me as the physical.
When and as I find myself listening to words I see, realize and understand that I can hear the subtle articulations and pressures of values pulled into greater emphasis or lack of being processed, the tapering off of sound, the clutter of justification, and I see realize and understand that no matter what, the words are in the end a reflection of reality, a type of song in chaos, of and about the physical and yet they are the seeds of creation, as words are things and they are sound.
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