I notice three personalities come up this past week, and I have had a tension headache ever since.
One was a projection into the future, a desire to make some headway, the second was a past personification of failure, as in fear of making a mistake, and the third was a dislike for a certain figure in the group which was based on a fear of not being listened to by a position of authority.
Within this, I notice a subsequent physical symptom returning.
I had to slow down and breath, realizing that I was present to take one step forward only. This was accomplished. So, why am I allowing this reaction within?
First, I realize it was not a situation/scenario to accomplish an expectation I had within myself. So, I can let this go. But the reaction I had within myself is the issue.
The thought was that I did not know how to approach these people, and within this, I became anxious, even though I told myself that I was there to meet people and nothing else. This was simply a step to another step, which ended up working out.
The meeting was not exactly what I had been told the meeting was, so there was this as well, which was okay. There ended up being a speaker who talked most of the time, and not too long after many people left.
Even though I used some common sense, still there was this personification of myself feeling like I did not know how to speak with others.
As long as I am wanting to achieve a goal and measure myself within having completed the goal, I missed realizing all the steps in between and so, jumped ahead of myself, overwhelmed myself and was not present in the moment.
I noticed that I had back chat about the people who were present and wanted to blame them for my uncertainty. So, I slowed down and breathed, and realized that my mind will miss-steps within a process, and if I allow myself to follow the measure of my mind, I think only of myself, and not only separate myself from common sense, but also, create my own friction within communication with others. This is the survival me, the person who wants to succeed. And then in my mind I am like the hissing of a snake instead of looking at practical reality.
I also noticed another personality, one that blamed myself, jumping into a conclusion that I cannot communicate, burdening myself with a feeling of un-worth. But here, the polar opposite of the righteous character, I was not of equal measure to common sense, to space and time. Within this, I can only realize how the physical works and the measure of separation that is in others that is the same as myself, in a world where men have a cognitive map, an abstract composed of bits and pieces of aspects of practical reality, that are racing within as mind, a composition of limited measure of what is real, the physical world, a suit of hierarchy.
Then, facing the “authority” in the room. Here, based on my past, I wanted to avoid talking with this person, because I believed that one mis-step and all communication would be dismissed and cut off.
This is myself being doom and gloom based on an idea from a past that I am allowing to define me, and it's not myself in common sense here. So many times I imagine things before they happen, and I am so busy imagining them that I either do not prepare, as some situations need some preparation, or am embarrassed and/or surprised when my idea is not the outcome.
I have lived long enough to know this is true, so I have countered this at times. But, here I was on this day, in a moment, separating from just being practical and enjoying myself.
So, when I find myself in such a situation, I have to slow down, breath, and realize that as a physical being on a physical formation as what life would be, that I can be here, in common sense of how the physical works. I need not fear what is in separation from common sense of practical physical reality, because in essence what we all seek is right here, right in front of us, and this is the same that allows one to walk through the eye of the needle, which is to be equal and one with and as the physical which simply means to be equal in measure and thus respectful of common sense to the way and the means of life, which is the physical world.
(And, this is in common sense, I mean one does not walk into some of the consequences of a system of inequality, a system of survival that is abusing the gift of life that is the physical world).