Monday, August 4, 2014

Day 567 A sense of unworthiness cutting off communication

Recently a memory from my recent past is coming up. I was teaching in a school. I had a task to teach a group of fourth graders, to improve a skill over a three week period. I stood there in front of this group and realized they did not even have the most basic skills necessary to work with a new form. So, I spent half the daily class time just practicing the basics before what they needed to learn. It was an experiment on my part, and I realized there was no one watching over me, so I went with it.
About two months later, when I was onto something else, an assistant principle came to me and told me that my group’s improvement was far greater than what other seasoned teachers had done. 
So, I want to go back here for a moment. After I had taught this class, I became very insecure socially with the other teachers, I felt that somehow they were not as open with me, and I could not figure out why. I took this personally. At the time my husband had been dead for about a year and a half, and often I felt that I could not teach these children because my husband had killed himself, and I had a lot of feelings of un worthiness because of this. So, the slightest social distance from a teacher, a colleague could set me off, and of course, I did not go around telling anyone that my husband had died by suicide. 
I was too afraid to ask if there was some reason the teachers seemed less open with me, after I had taught this class, and I did not know of my achievement. Everything remained in a silence, with no communication. I am sure the principle knew of what I had done.
When I found out later of what I had done, I was busy with something else. I became upset that no one had talked with me, had asked me what I had done, that the principle even, did not come and say to me “ what did you do to achieve such results?” Overall this is really unacceptable. As a parent who has had children in public schools I find this behavior unacceptable. I should have been asked, by the principle and the other teachers.
Also, with myself, I, when I found out, should have gone and told the others what I had done, but the focus of my new responsibilities occupied my attention. It was not until later that I reflected over the matter and asked why. Also, had I not been so insecure with myself, perhaps I would have been more open. In these words alone, lies the answer to this whole situation. Insecurity.
This kind of insecurity is a lot like an addiction. It is an emotional experience that, as we can see in this situation, bears no witness to life, it is not an act of life before profit, as I was so busy fearing for my position before being practical and normal. It is an act on both sides where one wallows in emotions, habits really, based on a self belief, and a fear of losing something, overall, ambiguous, without any action in practical reality. And it is a crime against the children, because they are the ones who lose in the end. And, they become the adults that we are, and as these actions suggest, such behavior perpetuates this that is really a personality dis-order, one that lacks character, a sound character, and is not one that is a model for children and anyone else.
The other teachers, they were lost in their own fears, a fear that someone new had managed to do something they had not done, and so they hid in their fear instead of reaching out, which is what they probably ask children to do, but do not model or show themselves.
So, everyone was lost in their adductions to self pity and fear of losing a job, or fear of looking less than another. When, if someone had sat down with me and asked, I would have said what I had done.  If the other teachers had come and asked me about my past, I might have revealed myself. What I experienced was a lot of competition, socially and within individual ideas about class. I mean I was in a room where another teacher would come in and complain about his wife who was divorcing him as she was dating the father of  a student in the class. So, it was all one big gossip circle.  And then to make matter worse, the ditched wife was an aid in another school, in the class of my son. My son would come home and complain about her. I would remain silent and tell him to just try and stay out of her way. The social web in my community was one of spite and blame and bitterness, all being projected outwards. So busy was the community within this, that no one was really communicating with one another in ways that benefitted the community over all. And so busy are we all with this, that we are not paying attention to what is happening with our representatives and the structure of our federal and state governments, where there are leaders doing the same spiteful self interested acts. Who suffers but the children and the plants and the animals and the soils. These things which sustain us, which allow us life. And people can be insightful and solve problems, but when they do, we are so busy in our own self interest, our emotional addictions of pity, that we do not see them. And it is here that I must realize I am no different.
The walls of separation that are creating the spite and the blame are a lack of expressing our fears, of sharing what we are feeling and how scared we are. We can say that human nature is greed, but this is based on fear, and the only way out of fear is to share why we are afraid and then to figure out how to remove the insecurity. Humans have to share their insights and their fears, in this is the answer. This is really the only way out. How many of us have actually solved something only to ignore it as the emotional personality dis-order chooses to hide a sense of fearing to be considered unworthy more than communicate the solution that is always right in front of us and that we see in moments when we step out of our fears and actually DO something?
I could have gone back and shared what I had done. The other teachers and the principle can go to another as ask what they had done instead of hiding in insecurity, as such personal acts of fear obviously does not move things forward. In this we are all like Israel bombing that which we beLIEve is different from us, which is a personality dis-order, a projected limited belief lacking in practical common sense.
If we as men do not communicate with one another, we allow our fears to define us, and all fear is, is not walking the steps necessary to remove the what we did not know by asking another what they know. I mean, this is how we learn, by sharing structural understanding. This is how we learn to walk, one of imitation, but we have to have access directly, or, as in my situation where I was in a classroom alone where no one could directly see what I had done, is to come and ask to have what structural steps I walked to achieve what I had done. If we remain in fear, we remain inferior to the structures around us that reveal form and function, ways and means of expanding, This is simply an act of investigation. Investigation is to go and look and discover a structural means to an end. When we hesitate to seek such answer we are caught in an emotional veil of belief which is a personality dis-order, a lack that is built of a dissonance of “ what if,”
choosing a fear of loss over understanding structure. If men were not capable, then we would not have economic structures that suppress opportunity. It would not be necessary, because here there would be no fear of another becoming aware. It is that we are capable of becoming aware that a system of economic lack has manifested, which means we are all hiding in fear,  doing what is being done unto us. To break this chain of suppressing life, we have to accept life and allow what is natural, what is the real nature of ourselves, to come forth and as this to create a system that structurally supports us as physical beings who are capable of understanding and working together to the point where we realize we create and we work together and as this we become secure.

Life exists as a structural form. It can be seen and it can be understood because this is how things manifest. But, if we are caught in an idea that we cannot understand, and a system that manifests as this as usury, a system that will actualize its lack of common sense as a pyramid scheme of which the truth of at present is hidden in impoverished people who no longer have any voice and in destructive wars that eliminate the excess of debt that is the inevitable waste of usury,  if we do not look because of a sense of being unworthy and fearing to lose our jobs, we must realize we are the cause of the present system as we are the cause of our own lack of self trust and self honesty.  If we are afraid we are not equal to something and hide in spite and blame which is to remain in uncertainty and not follow through with the means of solution which is to investigate  structural common sense.

A personality dis-order is a para-normal activity because it is a projection as a value judgement onto what is a structured, visible reality, so it is the personality dis-order that would believe reality cannot be understood because as I had done, I believed I had done something wrong and veiled myself from solution, from common sense, this that I had used in one moment to solve a problem and then rejected in another.  We really have to start admitting our fears, and opening them up, and realizing that at present our greatest fears are around money, and that the present money system is a scam, one that must end. Then, we can all slow down and take a look at how we allowed such a system to manifest without.

Each has to remove their emotional veils, their personality dis-orders, their fear of what another will think, because thinking in itself, is not being equal in understanding in ways that simply communicate directly without hesitation, as one has a self trust in the structure that is what is life inFORMation as this is how life exists.

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