Monday, June 12, 2017

Reading the patterns within me with hindsight Day 778

I remember patterns being recognized in my life, in terms of my behavior, over time, like a current moving through me.

One was that every month, the day or so before my period, I would lose my temper, and react to the slightest of movements in my world,  with a tempest of anger. I started to recognize this in my thirties. Once this happened, I could refine the movement of the pattern, meaning I slowly became more adept at recognizing it. I did get to the point where as it came up, I would stop it before it expressed itself in a harmful way, meaning before the tirade was leased onto someone in my world. This took time. Had I recognized such things earlier, they probably could have been addressed, and investigations into other areas where I was being the same, would have been more readily recognized. Interesting choice of words, ‘ readily’ as this means reading the patterns of my own expressions as how I move in this world, this physical world.

Another pattern is when I became sick. Meaning, it would most likely start with congested sinus and move down into my throat and into my chest, as though it had a sequence within how it moved through my body. I started to recognize this pattern too. I knew, roughly how long something would last, as I started to realize the ‘ stages’ of being of key, as being sick, in my body. 

This beings me to a realization I have had in walking the writing out of patterns of my own behavior, via the dialogues - the dia/god logues , or sequences, or patterns, of thought, as the constructs of belief, as words and pictures moving through my imagination. My imagination showing me the storied information, I composed within myself, to define myself, as direct myself, within and as me, as myself believing that I am separate from what is all around me, as the physical world, as including all that is here, as me. In walking the patterns of my story, or persona, as imaginations projected, I found a past movement that realized that same as that of which I speak. Meaning, I realized at some point in my childhood, that what I did, as how I behaved, could leave a residual ‘ resonance’ that followed me, that stayed with me, that ‘ staid’ me.  In one of the memories I brought up in writing myself out, I ran outside to sit under a tree, being aware that something was ‘ following me’ that was of ‘ shadow’ and that had a presence. I sat there under the tree, and was in frustration, and/or fear, and/or self realization, that I had created a residual imprint of my past actions/choices/movements.  AND, that this that I had been, had to MOVE THROUGH ME. Meaning, what i had chosen would move through my body. I understood in this moment, for a moment, that the information that I had stood as, as expressed, was going to move through my body. it is like a precursor, that I buried, of what would later become that reaction that was a pattern that was my own distemper within the cycle of my monthly periods. 

In process at the moment, patterns remain, some named, and yet residual, and though recognized to greater extent, as I begin to realize, as write out my patterns, some of these patterns I allow to determine what state of being I am accepting. Though smaller, and though more recognized, never less intense, yet more able to be defined with increasing clarity, just as I did with the pattern of behavior around having my period. Within this, just as memories of the past come forward, memories come forward where I realize that I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING! This means, as the very nature of myself, that the capacity to understand the forms of things and how they express and move, is right there, as me, which means that anyone can do this. 

When I want to resist, moving through this, as recognizing this, I am that which does not want to realize this, I am being that which hides the recognition of this, I am that which denies that nature than can realize the patterns as SEE FORM AND FUNCTION AND MOVEMENT AND EXPRESSION.  I am that self, within this, as my capacity, that is the stuff of and as the sensibility of myself as life, as the infamous “ eye of the needle.” That is a really cool realization. That is what and who we are, in our capacity. Everyone has this, and is this. No matter how deep or huge the wall of separation, as beliefs, ideas, opinions, in a false morality construct that ignores who and what we are as physical expressions of life, as what life would be. 

We all learn the same way, we place our presence into forms, as our bodies when we learned to walk and to talk and we sense that expression in all its dimensions, unless we construct a resonant set of value judgements, as a shield of separation from who and what we really are as life. This ‘ set of values, that I accept as embrace, is a false construct that is a math and that has no real longevity, and that ‘ moves through me’ is not myself in synch with being present and equal to the math of existence which is physical. I am not moving in synch with life. I have banked in on a false morality. And I/we know it. There is no excuse for my acceptance and allowance of and as this. None. Even within my memory, I could see that I understood that this was unacceptable. That presence as life, is in all of us, or we would not exist. 

When I first taught in a school, I remember working with this one student and moving to have her realize a form, as what I was required to impart to her, as a form of information.  I explained it, formed that form with words, one on one, with her. I remember looking at here and thinking, “ it is like she cannot take it in, or it is like she has no response- ability. Visible, she was looking right at me, and visibly she was wide-eyed and silent.  For a moment, I was there in the space looking at what was, within realizing my expectations were not what was actually happening. The movement in this child, was so slow, as for her to take in what i was saying, and to make a connection with her own experience, as her own beliefs as that same shadow world was there, caused what  have come to realize is called an interference theory.  Meaning, that her processing was very very slow. She was actually processing, which means she was ‘ learning’ yet it was at the speed of her own point of development, one that was slowed down by that which I experienced as the information that I allowed myself to be, as I ran to sit outside, next to a tree, realizing that I am created a shadow of information, that I was going to have to process because  I allowed it, and that I understood to not be in synch with that towards which I ran, as that physical tree. I was not generating in synch with life, and as an adult I was with a child, who was the same.  What is interesting here, is that parents cannot expect the schools to sort this out, as the parents are the one’s creating this, accepting this.  And, it is not the responsibility of the schools to do such, as they are, as they are in their current form, that same thing, as form perpetuating the separation.  

I find myself, once again, and yet of a different ‘ math’, ‘ composition,’  the sides of my mouth sinking down, as though I expect resistance to what I am attempting to explain. I realize that sometimes I say what needs to be said, yet I have an expectation that is not in accord with the separation, as I am not realizing the extent of the separation, as I could see and realize with this student, and with which I became overwhelmed, as there were too many layers of an emotional onion that was a wall that divided from being what was more effective, as I call it in the moment, becoming a real tree of understanding as the ability to reciprocate reality, as this living breathing, life in expression, physical reality. 

I believe I have to pay homage to the resonant separation, yet this in itself as a belief, is a distraction. All there is is to call this out by name, and it is a form, though seemingly invisible, it is here, right in front of me as the behaviors of the separation.  The power in calling things out by name, frames them into the physical living reality, which is a process of making them small and bringing forward the life that is here that is all around us. It is the process of bring life here, and managing a inflamed value system small, as down sizing a projection, or moving in a valley of smoke and mirrors, realizing the entities of separation are there, and yet do not define reality, and they only have the power we give to them, and that this reality is always right here, visible, breathing , moving, singing life. 

It is like experiences we have in watching sporting events. We realize a team is moving as a pattern, as the information practiced and hence programmed into them as a form of information.  The opposing team is getting the better of the patterned as informed team.  The informed team ( and I am using names to separate the too- because both are patterned) cannot get outside of its pattern. The viewer becomes more anymore agitated, as it recognizes that the ‘ patterned team ‘ is not seeing itself and moving into a new form, or mode.  Sometimes, a team will change up its pattern. They will change up the math of themselves and move forward in outwitting the opposing team. These moments we find exciting. Yet, this overall experience reveals ourselves to ourselves.   And, even allowing this entertainment, is revelatory of how much we live vicariously through others because we fear facing this same thing within ourselves. It is visible, in every move we make.  Thus, for parents, because we are so able to read the space of here, and we mirror that space of here, as our parents, any processing dis-orders in the child are YOU.  And yes, I see it in my own children. No reactions, as the same as I was being once a month , just before my period, are going to be what is the necessary change, to become like that sport team that manages to sense its own patterns, as reading the movements of the teams, the players, the space and design of the field as a platform, and collectively changing the very form of what is being the information driving the movements. Paying someone to help the child realize that, in a system that is a structure as a consequence of not being self responsible, is very very very expensive. Not realizing this, wanting it to go away, is also very very very expensive. Ignorance is not bliss. Hope without action is meaningless.  Faith without command is pointless. Respect for all things lends the grace of effective expression, like a mastery of a skill set.  Wanting it to magically happen is illusion, where the magic is always in the doing. And yet, this overall is very self empowering! 

One must rebuild. It means deconstruction and reconstruction. It means recognizing one’s accepted and allowed limited value system, as false morality. That one we protect, manifest as reacting to what one believes is a threat to one’s self definition, as my reactions are a protection of my false construct, towards which I imagine all manner of doom and gloom scenarios, in fear of being discovered for being less than who I really am. My reactions are the flight and fight mode, a form of resistance to myself, and as such self hate is one gets out of one's projection and makes the choice to stand here, in this living reality, that is physical. I react to threats of my limited value system as being a threat of death, so deep is my own accepted and allowed de-ception of reality. 

I am here. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understood my own deception against myself as life.

When and as I find myself becoming confused, anxious, tired, resistant, I see realize and understand that I am here, and that I am responsible for what I allow within and as myself, and as such, I slow myself down and I breath, and I forgive my separation from life, and I stand here, practicing realizing who and what I am as life here, to move equal and one with and as the physical that is me, here. 

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