I have had this real huge , as my perception goes, this heavy emotion come up that I have had all my life. I remember walking into this house sale one time, the woman had died and the house was open to sell everything in the house. A yard sale that was everything. I walked in the front door with the person I was with and they immediately turned around and walked out, excused themselves. I was hit with this sense of such chaos, such despair. The house was a mess. Navigating through the house meant walking through tunnels. I was so shocked, even by the gloom, I had to walk through the whole thing. I just stood there in this house , and “ went into it” so to speak, because I wanted to know how such a thing could happen. Like I was trying to read how something, a human, got to this point of such despair and such squalor. The house was in a really nice area, and was, from the exterior, in good shape. At this time I had this reaction of wanting to get away, but also going against this feeling and walking into this. I just kept telling myself the person was dead, so whatever I was sensing ( at that time) was so extreme I had to investigate.
It was like that after my husband’s death. I was not supposed to go back,but when alone, I did, I had to go into this. In this case, when I went back, there was nothing there, just an attic . In 1999, I was walking down the street in Zurich. I stopped and looked up at the sky. I suddenly felt like the whole fabric of existence changed somehow, in one moment, that everything would be lighter somehow. So, when I went back to the attic, I knew there was not going to be anything there, I had to move against the belief, I could not let the superstition remain, I had to walk into it, and there was nothing there. Knowing is a like a state of being where there is a sense but no real structure, evident in not being able to place the experience in detail into words.
Through my life, I have woken up in the morning with this huge heavy weight like thing in me, as me. For years I was terrified of this, and then I began to go into it, only to find that there was nothing there. Is this unclarity, my separation, that comes in measure of sometimes being a concentrated presence and sometimes my action of fear, depending on how I ‘ wear it” , perceive it, place this as perspective, where this exists because there is a lack of clear definition, meaning perspective?
So, I was up in Boston yesterday, driving around, because I was lost ( thank fully I had Wazs on my iphone!) and I noticed that I was having this same sense of heaviness which I registered into an idea of ( I am trying to describe it ) existential gloom, meaning existential weight. I have had these dreams where I can’t move, where it is like I am in a thick soup and can’t move because of the soup I am in, sometimes this comes up as a “ web”, but within this “ state of being” personification, it is like a soup, a ubiquitous soup. All kinds of thoughts come up, the closeness of the houses together, the lack of nature, the varying degree of decay of the homes, the ultra polish of some, the overlapping styles of the homes, where the architectural landscape tells a story of the decades through style change where the “ new” style is superimposed in patches around the old. The story from nature, to farms to the Victorian, to the twentieth century beginnings of modernism, and then from each period modifications, additions, creating hodge podge homes and stores. I stop and I look at the whole of this, with all the people walking around, and I get this sense of existential soup, and it is so hard to move in this, it is so heavy. And then, I walk, and buried under a bridge, under pavement, is a stream, so buried, and with the noise of the city, that sound of that water tricking cannot be heard. And yet, still it moves.
I have always needed to have some nature around, even if it is a tree, because this is like the only escape from this. I actually have had a hard time breathing sometimes in just getting up and facing the world, a world that has to be faced, that has to be walked through.
Yesterday, as well I had to talk with some costumers, and there was a lot of talk, the woman asked millions of questions, interrupting me. I had to stop and say things again and again, and try not to say things the same way. It began to dawn on me, how the layers of belief, opinion and idea, as the past, as the person, exist, where the nature of the person is as buried as that stream. And, what is layered is as many ideas as styles that have been expressed on the landscape of earth, some in decay, some changed and morphed into something else, some all polished and taken care of. As within so without. And always this sense of knowing without any real structure. So much mirage, this so thin yet determining so much of what we allow ourselves to be.
What is cool about writing things out is I start to see what I am telling myself. lol
Within this day, yesterday I saw more clearly what i am doing, as in pushing this “ bad” away as the judgements as the gloom, and the soup of ideological play based on ideas, beliefs and opinions, the infinite loop of a cult ( occult )soup that is ideological play, where the parts are not good or bad, and where some of the technology aids us in our separation from the physical to the point where to get through this maze, because nature is so buried, life is so buried, what actually sustains us, we have to rely on an external tracking device to find our way. I mean, some dogs can find their way without any external machine, across thousands of miles. It is that we have become our own lab rats, and we can no longer navigate the self created human maze, we have to rely on as external device to direct us. Somehow, this is really a waste of life, so obvious if we take the time to look. This world is a mess of self accepted and allowed limitations as in lack of accepting life, and plastering this cult, this soup all over this earth, having ideas become bigger than nature, becoming a mirage of shifting ideas, and not actually working with this earth in best practice, thereby not only respecting earth, but working with earth, this being prevention os the best cure. In the end, I would rather be like a dog, and be able to navigate with all of me, no external device needed, because I could sense here, I could sense nature. I mean , we must ask ourselves how this can exist in physical form, this means this can be done! Would this not be a lighter existence? Would this not remove the heaviness of ideological play, so dense in some places that the streams are buried. What must be realized within this, is that we humans, as personalities and characters, are a composition of generational ideologies, built on top of one another, without any real consideration for life. And this to the point where we now have a system that will “ hodge-podge” your past, and build what is needed in the self interest of what controls money, which is all of us as we accept and allow this, as we are the anonymous holding this form of separation, we are the creators of the NSA which does exactly what we do within. This is a structure of separation, as a hierarchy in place through allowance, through conjecture as opinion, belief and idea being more than, and thus not including reality in totality, we are our own occult that through ignorance has become destructive our ourselves as life and this planet.
Hard to believe that this soup of separation is energy, is our own fear of self, is actually a system inferior to life, is as how we compose this soup, this mirage, as the landscape mirrors of idol playing that we were warned against, and that the way out was to bring this back to ourselves, equalize ourselves to the physical, and to do this we had to bring heaven to earth. Hard to fathom, from our state of separation, that we must become like a dog, and stop trying to be god. We have become, in essence, less than a dog ( and yes I am playing with accepted and allowed values) It appears to me that that dog is a much more efficient and sustainable system.
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