I talked with numerous people the other night, but towards the end one woman looked at me and said “ I have so many problems in my life at the moment, do you have a card” and I stiffened right up. I could feel myself wanting to get angry, so I just let it go, and remained within the “ script” so to speak. It really was too late, because I was angry within myself.
I realize that the reaction of this person, was not what I expected, She had listened to my presentation and the response she gave me was total rejection of what i had said. Or so I took it.
My anger was the thwarting of my own expectation, be it hero desire, a loss as a reaction of wanting to win, or embarrassment. I realize also, that there is a family trait where for another to tell their sob story, it is considered disrespectful, and I could see that within me, I reacted to this. This use of a person coming out with all their problems.
I also had this this week with a member of a group I am in who has not been responsible in her tasks. I finally had to call her a couple of times, the second time she texted back to me that she was busy at work on Monday and that she was sorry she had not been responsible. I thought, well, what about the previous two days from the last call? So, I am having a hard time with this, reacting to this in others: using problems in their lives to avoid being responsible or making decisions.
So now all these memories come up.
I won’t go into detail here because I do not want to name names, but suffice it to say that, and I am sure we have all experienced this, at work and at home, with siblings, etc. where emotions are used to evoke pity and get off the hook from being responsible. Within this group I run, I have encountered all number of excuses. It happens all the time.
For instance, I changed a drop off day, added another day for one person, and two months later she was upset because the boxes were not out for her, so I said to her, just leave your stuff there, it is only one. And she said, “ Oh, does no one else come on this day” and I said , no you requested it. She looked at me and said, “ I am not the only one that wants this!” I just looked at her. Thinking that somehow she was seriously disconnected from reality because she had asked for this because she was so busy with work that she could not come on the drop off day.
A couple of times such things happened when my two sons were in grade school sports. I had arranged for them to get a ride from practice with another parent. As parents, sometimes one would drive the children home, taking turns to avoid driving because where I live things are spread out. Well, one time I drove this boy home and the next day the parent had said they would bring the boys home. Well, the next day, my son called and asked where I was. When I called the parent, they said to me, “ I am not responsible for your son.” I was shocked, because we had made these arrangements the day before, and I had learned to be careful and repeat the plans being made to clarify. These things do not happen all the time, but they did every once in a while, so I had to never assume that what was planned would actually happen, even when plans made would more than likely happen as planned.
Even when my children were really small, often, other woman would cancel at the last minute, I just simply learned to expect it, and this may be because the children were small. Yet, some women did this all the time and others not. Just like with this group I run. Some are responsible, but others come with stories of emotional duress and if i say one thing about a pattern, they tend to respond with a reaction that i am insensitive in some way. So, I have learned to “ not go there” because it is not worth the reaction.
Working in schools, there are parents like this, and the teachers and administrators tend to try and avoid such people who tend towards this kind of behavior all the time.
So, when this woman said to me after my presentation, I noticed a reaction of anger. To me , this behavior is like a no win situation because an emotion has been expressed, one of duress, and such is simply a justification to not be responsible. And I allowed myself to be the same, because in a reaction of anger, because feared this emotion being a value I had to accept, which I resisted and became indignant towards. Which is spite, really.
Lately, I have had this thought coming up of “ If another person tells me they are busy and have too many problems in their life, I am going to scream.” And I realize that I am so tired of hearing this, that I have even had the thought to ask them “ oh, I am sorry to hear that ( feeling a desire to bite their head off!) , I hope you find a solution to your difficulty” and meanwhile hoping that this pulls them in to cry their grief. What I then find myself thinking is how I can take their “ grief” and use it to show how ridiculous they are. Like a planned revenge for using their “ woe” to not take any direction in being responsible. But this is just not something that builds relationships within our world that lead to an understanding of what we do within realizing ourselves. I am actually afraid of this emotional touting, even when it is a supposed “ positive” statement, because I fear if I do not stand by it I will be criticized, and there are those who just speak of the difficulty, the consequence, without wanting to move beyond it, and simply do not want to hear, anything that disrupts this. This is the point where I get angry. In many ways, I have to learn to say in so many words, here is the water, drink it/ take it in/ become equal to it and not blame myself when an attempt is made by myself to clarify the fear is rejected .The principle of what is best for all which is like bringing a storm in a teacup to the very substance that is it instead of the fury as idea that causes the storm that is , as idea, made bigger than the substance as the water holding the fury that is exciting the water - forming it, separating it from its self awareness, as the still waters from which the water in the teacup came.
I realize that I had said to this woman, during my presentation, that as adults we realize that we made decisions in our youth that we later realize were not what was best for us, and that this was based on ideas we had as values around our words. So, when this woman said that she was having too many difficulties at the moment, I could have said that yes, the consequences of our actions eventually catch up to us, because we do not have a big enough understanding of our selves and how we are formed.
This is something that could be said, in understanding, without anger. If I have any anger, it will be hard, but if I say this and mean it, absolutely, as in being directive within the simple realization of what we are and what is manifested as our present system, then perhaps, if there is a real desire to find solutions, if the “ duress” is “ real” the next step can be walked or if the teacup before me is using “ duress” as an automated behavior. Even if this is an automated behavior, then I would find out and let it go, because of understanding how we are formed as a consciousness system as within this, if the automation is so intense, then that “ horse” is not going to drink. But if an offer of looking at what is happening is given without judgement in any way, the person may respond and accept the movement towards understanding and solution, an offer that is to “ still the waters” so to speak. I mean, this is really the only place to move towards, because this creates a starting point of acceptance without judgement, and from here can one begin to look at the present consequences creating the emotional storm. Within this, as myself, no reactions can exist, even if my perception of the other person as using emotions to avoid any responsibility is correct. And just as I suggest within moving to a starting point of no judgement as in “ still waters” then I cannot make a clear assessment of the other person. So, no matter what, I must become a starting point of “ still waters” to realize the solution to consequence, or see that emotional consequences of another as a movement in emotion that is fixed in place, most likely out of habit as a means of protection and defense, in fear of being responsible, which is not something to accept, but to realize that this person is in their own process.
And here another memory comes up. My husband has been dead for about three weeks. I was basically numb. This had to be more than ten years ago. I saw the bubble around people, and how they incessantly self validate, trying to grab attention to their stories that uphold their values as the positive. Everyone at the table was doing this, no one was present, all were completely fixated on what validated their whole personification. The emotion I have here, is wanting to not participate within this. I really don’t want to even take this on, like participating in this is the most awful horrible thing imaginable, so dirty, so insidious, so loud. I just want to shut my eyes and find quiet somewhere.
But the only way through is to see this in detail and walk it. To realize that bubble is a “ teacup.”
And the answer is in my own words, to find the still waters within myself and walk, and stand facing the separation into consequences of judgement bringing it back to self and directing within the principle of what is best for all, within what causes no harm, within investigation, within the self realization that what is best for self is best for all, that which allows each physical point on earth to exist within its full potential as life, which is allowing the very substance of life to be aware of life in totality, and not just as limitations that are manifest as ignoring the whole and standing in a bubble of self interest in separation of the starting point of equality and thus respect for physical existence because we cannot exist as life without a form and a function as the parts moving in tandem enjoying being here. Life cannot exist without every part being aware of itself as life, which means being aware of the whole, having understanding of the whole, thus the present system of dividing awareness into some aspects of life being warped out of proportion and then incessantly made into a supposed “ truth” of good and bad, causing a game of association in a limited mind/memory set of these impulsed values will not create stability.