Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Day 320 The quieting of disgust

It has been interesting to walk this sheen, this character, this movement into fear, as what disgust really is an allowance of as what I am/become. To have walked this sometimes subtle habit, and a habit it is, seemingly commonplace, yet once noticed, and caught as what I “go into” as a personification and stopped, using breath to ground myself, to not allow this, allows a inkling of remaining here, seeing here. Here, takes on more depth, more movement, more discernment within what is here being something that moves instead of seeming like a labeled thing - so to speak.
Yet, i realize that under this is more fear, and this fear disables this discernment, this seeing of what is here, this actual seeing of life, here, so vital, how much have i allowed myself to miss in becoming fear, petrifying myself within a distortion that is stagnant?
Which would mean that creating fear on this planet, is really a crime, a crime so absolute, I actually have the thought at this moment, that to become aware of life, which I have not realized, is going to realize the shame of what has been accepted and allowed by men believing that wealth defines existence, when the real wealth is becoming equal and one with and as the very expression of life.
What I find now what comes up a lot , is a fear of punishment. Which is a fear of death, yet to not remove fear is death, to chose not to discern what is here and how here functions and moves, is to die. Thus to not stand and support a system that supports all life as the value is a crime. The shadow of the elite, and the presentation of knowledgeand information that is ambiguous and unclear, limited, partial, is a reflection of disinformation for them as well, as a living shadow existence is not living, because in seeing life, in realizing life, there would be no fear, only a desire to become one and equal to and as life, here.
The only choice is to turn and face fear. It is the only way out. And one has to do this alone. No one can do this for us, we must do this alone. A system that allows this, as anequal money system, would allow so many who struggle so absolutely, the opportunity to stop and look at walk into life, to get this planet in order, the order of life being the value.
So, is this reaction as disgust, masking a fear of punishment from childhood.

I would sit and listen to my mother, as this was a way to placate her so I would not be punished. And I was disgusted with myself for doing this, and I want to say that my mother was disgusted with herself for what she accepted and allowed, a sense that my mother was running from her own self denial, being the want and need for attention in place of facing her self. So it was like catering to something that was dirty and being disgusted because in doing this one protected oneself from punishment. Sitting and listening to my mother was like being caught in a trap, yet at the same time the trap was a respite from the alternative which was punishment.
And as a child, I did not have the means to communicate this, so silence, and listening to wait it out.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear punishment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe, as I am here at this moment as an adult, to blame myself for not standing up within that past moment and to judgemyself here as that, as a less than for accepting and allowing, without speaking up, the behaviors of another, to avoid punishment, where I probably did not have the worlds to speak, and even if I did, because I was a child, more than likely would not have been heard, as the program of my mother was that children were seen and not heard, which was the program of many adults at that time, and still is.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself as not having the strength to stand and communicate based on a past experience where I was a small childand could not make an adult hear me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear speaking up and looking here, to remain quiet within and as myself to avoid punishment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear speaking up because i might not get things from my mother as in being special because I sat and listened without reaction, all the while sitting and listening to avoid being punished.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have avoided looking and instead to have become “waiting patiently” to occupy myself instead of looking at my mother, because looking at my mother meant watching her separate from herself into and as an avoidance of herself as she had chosen to become authoritative to organize her world and keep it under control, as a means of survival, this approach being a way and means of not looking here, as organizing everything and ordering everything, meant not looking at life, here, not seeing and realizing the movement of life here, this life so vast and alive, a world the adults did not move with, and punished should this be spoken of, a description of what was here, as fluid and moving here a type of shadow existence hidden in avoidance tactics known as characters of knowledge and information, the means and ways of being lazy in disciplining self with life here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear describing here, as how here moves, which ironically is actually not too hard, but such would seem strange and other worldly should someone attempt to describe such to a stagnant entity disconnected from here in and as fear.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear describing consequence, to fear describing here, as life as something that moves, as this would also mean that lack of opportunity means the depression of life here, which the present system creates, a lack of life, as poverty in taking what sustains life, as a system of greed that is a state of stagnation by its nature that is a starting point of fear of loss, which is a separation from life.
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear sharing life , as one time I took mice from the barn to show my mother and she flushed them down the toilet with a shriek, and I remember being shocked and horrified, and ashamed that I had brought the baby mice into show my mother, the reactions in the moment in the memory were numerous and I became overwhelmed.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become angry within this as well, an anger that is embarrassment for not having discerned that this would be the reaction of my mother, thus my own anger is really shame, and thus a non-looking at what is here, as I had wanted attention and acknowledgement through the baby mice.
Why does this attention always seem to come up? it is like wanting to be good, and share, as thought sharing is a good thing, like what i am supposed to do. But this is a positivepolarity, thus what would initiate this seeking of a good? Simply not wanting to be punished? Had I learned a selective sharing as a way to stop punishment.
I do have a problem with seeking attention, and I react to others that I label as seeking attention - it is one of my pet peeves - so to speak.
Thus this is me, I become disgusted with seeking attention when I project this, see this, in others. It really is like I use this to not be attacked, to avoid punishment, to keep the enemy of punishment near. Like the saying keeping the enemy near. Hide from what is here. Don’t look now, you might be punished for looking.
I have a neighbor with whom I would speak and greet and chat with sometimes when we crossed paths. He has had a new girlfriend for a couple of years now. She is very loud and aggressive. One day we chatted, and he basically apologized for her behavior and said that she was too unstable and then looked at me. We no longer greet one another and chat, what we do when we notice one another is meet with our eyes, give a slight nod and that’s it. We cannot communicate any more than this, because any action that triggered the reactions this girlfriend is known to have ( she supposedly has a police record for this) are avoided. So, my neighbor and i no longer have the friendly neighborly chat. I have heard this woman go into a verbal tirade, so I am not really interested in facing one, thus I join in in the distant MO of greeting.
This is a fear of death, simplistically, I am afraid this woman is going to come and beat the shit out of me, because evidently she has done this. And she is a school teacher. Figure that one out. lol
To avoid this, is being a non-looking at here. It is like, well it is, as there is a voice in my head saying “ don’t look, don’t look, don’t look” again and again and again.
There is even a movie with Donald Sutherland called Don’t Look Now, and I remember it well, it kept me on the edge of my seat many a time.
This not wanting to look, which has come up with me before, no longer has this layer of disgust after having done forgiveness on this.
The behavior within disgust is to not look, and the fear is a fear of death and the correction is to breath and to slow down and to look at here, to stop being lazy and taking on the character of tribute to knowledge and information to entertain, where attention is an indication that I have successfully entertained myself away from looking at what is here as life. This seems a comfortable place. Un-fortune . But it is the only way out of fear.

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