Saturday, March 30, 2013

Day 323 Being bullish with bullying

I realize in looking back in detail, as much as I am able, into my childhood , through looking at how i move myself here, the very emotional, feeling thought movement of myself here, this which takes some time to realize as what this means, yet all can do this, as this is something that is heavy, that is life an eddy of collected stagnant moments, turned into hope, Hope and an acronym for How Observant People Edify, meaning how people turn their fear into an icon, an idol as guide, when this is really un unresolved expression of self as life, here, at ease with the actual physical world, a creation of a movement of self in need, in desire, where the lens of self becomes a begging for this in thought, word and deed, thus, it is always in the words we speak, our own separations and desires, because we are machines reflecting what we allow ourselves to be, if we are dishonest with life, as what we are, we them become that dishonesty. We cry our dishonesty from life, our separation.

I am seeing Bernanke saying that her is trying to solve the financial crisis, that it all takes time, that it is complicated. It is only complicated because there is fear there, or, one could say there is not wanting to let go of having more than another. Of course there is no resolution of the financial crisis when letting go of having does not fit into the design of what would solve the crisis. The crisis is that in order for one to have what is needed to support life, means another cannot have, and all the systems are directed in such a way to maintain this belief. Bernanke is like a spider in a web, where the workings of the web are the system, and any imbalance triggers a reaction and the spider as illusive web maintainer cannot fathom the ground beneath the web, too busy is he/her with the web. The wave of common sense as life, as all men realizing and standing up can take this web away and let the sunlight in.

Back to myself here, I do this, in and out, from way out there, referencing the present system as the world, back to myself.

I have my own little, bubble/web self designed in protection and defense of my survival, as memories, of thoughts, words and deeds, a story of emotion and feelings coming in and flooding me as I stand here and breath, seeming so real, yet so heavy and consuming. I do not need television, I have my own, I only want the tv when I need a break from myself. lol

It is like a run to organize things, like a proper woman, but what I am doing is organizing things to avoid being bullied, and even to hide that I avoid being bullied. I even dreamup possible bullying scenarios in and as my mind, where being bullied is really being rejected. So it is like I fear being bullied, and then I watch my reactions of others, to ensure I am accepted by them, which means I will then, because I am accepted, not be bullied.

And then I am so busy doing this, that I am not here, I am way far, far ,far away, buried under this self imposed movement of protection and defense that I have no idea how to really communicate as myself here, I have so little practice within being forgiving, that even if I am for a moment a torrent of sadness and tears want to come, as the memories of what I have accepted and allowed, being a longing for underneath all of this, as I allowed myself to become hope, in waiting for some kind of change, as this was created as a child, a pattern of separation set, because there was no other place to go, or I did not have the language and skills, and size to describe, stand up to, pull together in words within facing here.
Physically, I notice that my breath shortens, and within I search for shields of protection to stop what is a threat of punishment within my environment, what is a threat to my existence.

So, I have to breath, through this, to bring myself here, in common sense, without a fear that something will be lost. I don’t even know if I know how to do this, I am going to have to practice this! It is like letting go and bringing it back to self to direct as life in forgiving as life, here.

How did I do this specifically? Through accepting and allowing and using as how I moved in thought word and deed, an ideology of one thing being more than another, of weighing and judging, one value made popular and touted as a glory of having won. But it is not something won, it is really the being of self LOST in survival being justification, separate from actual life, separate from the actual physical world.

The values presented as what is use to direct self within this, are reflected in the choices using the earth’s freely given resources as the products of the consumerist market, where, since these are parts of life, they are not “bad” they are limited and lack consideration of all life, and thus, considering all life, means letting go of the soldiered self of limited bought products that are the fashions of protection and defense.

Bullying will always have limited values as what is used, because the very act of bullying is a separation from looking here,it is a destructive non directive criticism meant to diminish, stagnate instead of direct, show direction within awareness of self as life, as an expression of life, as what is real here. A bully cannot move at ease. A bully is the voiceof fear, a reaction in and as fear, a desperate act. Look, even trolls on the internet are men who are desperate to earn a living, It is like a last resort to survivel.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not stop and breath and look here, to see, realize and understand that i am life, here, one and equal to and as all that exists on this earth,as the very substance and expression in and as life here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that what is here on this earth as the physical world is life, and thus is a system that can be understood, realized here, as myself as the substance of life, this being the value, where it is the selection of limited values made icon, used to con, into and as limited expressions in and as energy as the mind warping reality into limited insight into and as what is here, creating a world of hu-men, into a system of protection and defense in separation from the gift of life, as the promise, the real promise of heaven, given, freely, for life to self realize itself as life, here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to remain here, equal and one to and as breath, to slow down and to communicate with what is here, to realize myself as life in totality, to become one and equal to and as what i am, life, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe through a thought that what is here will punish me if I do not match the state of limitation of another, to match a belief, to stand up to a limited belief that is within limitation as mind, as an allowed existential separation from equality and oneness within the value being life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have kept the enemy at bay, which in and as itself was a judgement, a labeling, that was a movement into a separation from and as life, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have stopped breathing, to have become an erratic breath, not seeing realizing and understanding that my physical body, the form of life given to self realize myself as life, was showing me in my own state of disease to and as life, here, where the stopping, hesitant, irractic breath as what I allowed was moving into an ambiguity, a distance from being one and equal here, as life, not seeing understanding how to communicate what was here, as the very substance of life, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to develop a coping mechanism of protection and defense hidden in the guise of organizing what is here into and as limited values to present agreement, qualified/ recognized/attended to as acceptance with a smile, with energetic empathy, which I accepted as a success in distancing myself from punishment, from being cast out, from becoming a scape goat, from being bullied within being called names, being labeled as less than, being disallowed communication and interaction, thus, became I, a personification in and as what serves a system of separation from life, here , into and as the various roles and the behaviors within and as how these roles move here, within being a daughter, a mother, a sister, a consumer, an American, a human, a class based guidance system, a wife, a wife a widow, a spewer of limited beliefs, opinions and ideas, a spender without consideration of where and how and who created and moved the physical things of this earth that can only be moved by the various ways the hands of men have moved what is here, the complacent person, believing that it is too difficult to move myself here, not realizing seeing and understanding that the complacency is a byproduct, into and as a wasted human, because the weight of my separation accumulates within and as me, as energy becoming the directive of myself as I have misaligned myself through a mind, not understanding how the mind works, and thus have I accepted and allowed complacency to be what is real not seeing realizing and understanding that this complacency is the waste of a life lived in self interest only.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I am here, that I can breath, that i can see, realize and understand how this actual physical world functions through simple common sense and bring myself back into and as the physical and direct myself here, from this point to begin to practice walking equal and one to and as the physical here, no drugs necessary, no hand holding with an illusionary god, no reference to an invisible hand, no acceptance of a statement that it is difficult, no allowance that it is complicated, no disallowing communication until common sense of this actual physical world is aligned equal and one to all life, of which a visible existence of oneness and equality as heaven on earth, where all life here moves in and at ease, where no matter whose shoes I walk, I am at ease here, equal and one to and as an expression of life, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the passive bully.
Self commitments to follow.

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