Saturday, March 23, 2013

Day 317 Immediately Desiring Help: A Past Movement for Attention

I have an early memory of myself wrapping my arms arms around my father. And within this memory I have pictures, as memories of experiences I had in school, as a teacher, with children. One memory an action from my past as a comfort/positive , and another a memory of judgement, blame and irritation towards the behaviors of some children, hereI am having a picture in and as my mind, of a child with a constant need for an insulin shot always asking for permission in class, which is a form of attention seeking, a catch twenty two because the child cannot be denied or blamed but somehow the behavior represents the cause of the disease, and looking at this means one has to look at oneself, thus the irritation. All of this seeming confusing, but the layers of ignorance of this overwhelm. But, this has to be cleaned up, or clarity cannot be reached. The problem must be realized in totality, and the solved. The rewards would be an absence of this behavior, and thus, more time spent in learning, in being here, in equalizing self here, to move here, in clarity with ease. Ease has a lightness, ease is not reactive in blame or spite, ease makes no judgement.
What did I run from as a child into the arms in and as comfort of my father? As the stories told in my family were that my mother did not enjoy taking care of babies. And early memories of my mother were of me sitting and listening, waiting for the allowance to leave. This was not questioned because the consequence of not listening was to much to bear.
This desire for attention.
So, I woke up this morning and my house smelled like gas. I went to the stove and checked the burners. The pilot to the oven was out. Then I lit one of the burners. The flame was really small. Immediately, My mind started to imagine worse case scenario. I had to start to look at what was here, in common sense. That solved I noticed this voice in my mind wanting to immediately call a male friend for help.
What was curious about this was that for a long time, when my children were young, I did not call a male, it is just that there is one around all the time now. So, i stopped and realized that what needed to be done I could do. I have not had the gas filled in two months, so it is simply empty, the pressure is down because the gas tank is empty, and I realized the last time the company filled the tank, their tank on their truck ran out, so the note from the gas man had said he had not fully filled the tank. The company exists with an internal schedule, and as I have found, interruptions in schedules tend not to be remembered. Thus I have run out and the normal fill dates are not aligned with “have fill jobs.” I have learned that interruptions if the “norm” tend not to be noted within systems. Such, causes glitches in the computer programs. lol ( just realize this can be used !)
So, I had to speak self forgiveness on this to stop this desire in and as the mind, which was based on a fear as an idea, as a habit learned from my past. There are steps to clarify something. one simply walks them. And then, if one does not have the money, and/or if the ground beneath one has been taken by some government acting in support of a corporation’s self interest in profit before life, then a human, a person cannot stand and be self responsible, because this ability has been taken from oneself as a living being. And the offerings within such are a sequestering into limited actions, repetitive actions that force a “disnature”, a distance from nature, the anti-life as the hubris of men mad with an idea of control, having separated from life into consciousness as mind only.
I must realize that I can be self responsible, and also that what has been allowed on this earth has come to determine life. I must stand without this desire to “wrap my arms around a comfort” as it is elusive and blind. How I came to be such a movement i cannot at this point remember. I just have another memory of turning in mid play and looking at a tree, like I am turning from one conversation to another, leaving one behind. But even this has a diminutive story within my family. My great grandmother would - as the story goes- spend time in “ the woods” and was considered spacy in some way, and ended up in an insane asylum as this is what the “victorians” did with women who were not the “norm” so to speak. Thus, even this story within me is an idea, a memory as knowledge and information.
I am here, I breath, I look at what is here in common sense and realize how here, as the physical functions, realizing there is no one value greater than another and that ordering values as more than and less than is a self interested act in separation from life, a heaviness creation in and as energy, as consciousness in separation from life.
Just try asking someone to slow down and be specific, you will notice this is the last thing wanted to be done by the mind. The reactions will be of short temper, the nature of a bully, desperately denying and pushing the ignorance of limited ideology. And even within this, a reaction of anger towards this is just more of the same because in the end what must be done is all consequence as all actions accepted and allowed must be looked at, to bring ourselves back, myself back, to here, to become equal and one to and as the physical, with a clear substance of self as life, moving in equality and oneness with and as what is physically here. The memory device as mind, as consciousness, is a “third wheel” separating, warping intimacy with and as life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from here, looking at what is here in common sense and instead immediately wanting to pass on a story of doom and gloom to another, to waste myself as life, into and as fear in allowing myself to become separate from how here actually physically functions.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become e-motions of separation and self abdication, not seeing realizing and understanding that this reaction into and as fairy tales of loss, are of no substance as they are based on a sense of loss only without practical application within and as looking at what is here, as this physical world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand the extent to which I immediately go into role play, as the dictates of a society constructed by men, that has not in fact created an existence that supports all life, as is so obviously evident on earth at the moment, where there have been best selling books written by psychologists who have an education and practiced their “art” for 30 or so years, and then write a book at the end of their professional life where in the opening of the book they state that despite all their knowledge and information, they have not managed to help anyone, a clear indication that knowledge and information without practical application has no ability to solve problems, thus all education has done is developed an ability to use words within limited vocabularies without any practice within and as physical awareness as in how the physical world actually functions, as how the mind, as memory actually functions despite the fact that memory can be consuming to the point where is determines behavior, and this in conjunction with a system that does not provide the basic necessities of life, and even has created/allowed -as all of us- a system that turns lack into self interested profit as what has happened with the incarceration/prison system in the supposedly “freest” country on earth, America, where prisons are paid for by the public, and the prisoners make 100% of helmets used for a war economy, a lot of electrical appliances, and numerous other things, for less than minimum wage, where such prisoners have not had an opportunity at an education, or proper nutrition within a system that feeds the poor refined flours in tandem with vegetable oils that are not meant for the tropical environment of the human physical body, and also filled with sugar, and addictive drug that should be banned, as even the production of this uses too much water, thereby wasting and polluting earth’s freely given resources, the consequences of which are destroying earth and allowing the behavior that created this to become more extreme as the nature of greed only grows which is evident within the nature of a debt based system, thus what humans have accepted and allowed is going to get so big that it will be “in your face” before you know what has happened, and then at this point - if it is not too late- perhaps the human will finally realize that the physical world is what is real, and that anything that does not consider all life as the value is a crime against life, that which created the abuse of life presently existent on earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become angry within and as this, as this is not going to walk a solution.
I commit myself to slow myself down and to breath, to see, realize and understand that all emotions and feelings that I allow myself to exist as, that all thoughts of seeking an ear for my fears, is myself in self abdication in and as life.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that knowledge and information is useless without the physical experience of practical application to see realize and understand equal and one to and as how the physical world practically functions within and as what is best for all.
I commit myself to no longer allow myself to immediately go into some fairy tale fantasy when and as I must face what is here.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding how much I have accepted and allowed role play as the emotional/feeling responses within and as myself here.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding constriction and tension within and as my human physical body, where my breath constricts in the slightest way, to see, realize and understand how this is myself allowing a movement of myself into limitation and thus separation from practical common sense of here, where if I remain in breath here, equal and one, I can practice looking here within remaining within and as a state of ease, realizing that it is this state of ease, as a seemingly vulnerable state that I can realize a gentle movement within and as myself being stable without friction and conflict, this which will take practice as this equality and oneness with and as the physical has not been taught and the system without as a reflection of human separation from and as life, presently determines physical life on earth, which must be realigned within and as supporting all life as life being the value, before the profit of a few.
I commit myself to seeing , realizing and understanding that the moment I become blame, spite, irritation I am projecting an idea of cause and effect in separation from myself here, abdicating myself responsibility in common sense of what is physically here, even within slowing down and looking at the constructed laws of men, and instead of reacting to such walls as constructs of attempting to control life, it is to see, realize and understand how this maze of law has separated itself from the principle of what is for the commongood before profit, as each acceptance of this in ignorance of life must stop and look at what is here in common sense of what is here. in detail, to see, realize and understand accepted and allowed ambiguities.
I commit myself to breathing, to walking equality and oneness within a practical looking at what is here, and how I am moving within and as myself in terms of emotions, thoughts and feelings that are heavy with conflict and friction, as a separation from myself in and as being at ease with and as life here.

DIP Lite The course to equality and oneness with and as life, here.

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