Thursday, March 21, 2013

Day 315 Reacting to reacting, another disgust/fear behavior.

I notice within the behavior as the emotion of being disgusted as a reaction, I am not looking at here, I am in fear feeling like I am trapped and cannot move. Even when I ask questions and take the time to look at what is here, I find that asking questions is not favored within this world.
I was in a master’s course to receive a degree, a Masters of Education in Reading. I kept stopping and asking the question to myself, and voicing this to the professors. I was met with a lot of impatience. My question was a statement, that there was something missing, a spatial element within the reading process. It was just a question. It really angered the professors.
One day, one of them asked me to go and speak to all of the professors. So I went and sat in front of the group of professors, and was told that they worried that I understood the material. I knew that my question was bothersome but I kept asking. I also knew that at this meeting, I had to give what they had taught, so I spoke and outlined what I had learned, and could see the whole group of professors relax. All they could hear was me asking the question and thus, judged me as not understanding simply because I was not talking about what was taught only, I was asking a question.
After this meeting I continued to ask the question - as this bothered me and I did not want to leave this undone. Finally, I got a response, as they no longer questioned the position of the question. The answer was, “ we do not know.”

My first thought was, “ Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?” But this is how the mind works, it judges as less that which does not match it in words, in the party line. And questions that ask a construct to go beyond itself are met with criticism. This is ego lost in its own limitations.
I allow myself to become so angry about this, but it is myself in fear after the fact, as I step out of my questioning and look back at the danger, at the posed threat and become indignant, allowing myself to become righteous. it really is to just let it go and move on. In this case, my question was not going to be answered within the professors, as they did not know, and so, all that could be done is to move on and face this myself. The system had answered, had not wanted to admit its own limitations. I mean, I had received an answer. lol
I ask questions because they are there, and within asking the question there is a reaction towards the question, and I react to the reaction to the question without looking at why there is a reaction. So, I sabotage myself in not seeing realizing and understanding why the question is being reacted to, and realizing that questions are reacted to by ego, by limited information as what another is, as being unable to answer the question and not wanting to admit that there is no awareness to and towards the answer at that moment to the question posed.
Instead I have taken the reaction personally without investigation into the reaction as a state of “ignorance” as in having no answer that is being hidden by behaviors of not wanting to admit there is no answer within their awareness. Naturally, within a profit based system , where one’s job and paycheck determine one’s existence, admitting to not knowing something is tantamount to the loss of position, especially when, as is this system, there is competition to get the positions that enable survival. This scenario breeds ignorance, and fear. It would breed a “state of being” that is the response of “it cannot be done” because in not looking, in not admitting lack of insight position of in-come remains secure.
And then of course there are those that use this to move into positions of more, realizing that money comes before life. These then fear losing their positions of more, and do not want questions that disrupt this asked.
If we cannot see the never ending ignorance this creates, we are in trouble, because it is this that is ignoring what is evident on earth, which is the starvation, and the poverty, and the environmental abuse. The nature of this would remove itself from the physical, to not look, would create hierarchies distant from the physical, would place words on paper and then only follow the words, and the words themselves would not describe the physical world because this would mean changing, removing the ponsi scheme, usury, interest lending, self interest, greed, a centralized dictate takes physical direction away from itself, and the physical is the gift of realizing self as life.
So, with myself, reacting to reactions to questions is not a solution. What I ended up doing is becoming quiet and giving what was wanted, only to find that the behaviors were simply not wanting to move beyond the limited status quo.
Ironically, all of this is a state of being, a movement, lacking awareness of here, of how here actually functions, as a system of inequality confines and confuses, limits and stagnates. Lacks a care for what is physically real, tangible, substantial as what supports the very existence of ourselves and allows awareness of here, which is the gift of life.
We know that children who are taught that what they are allowing as in accepting and allowing themselves to be aware of the “state” of themselves as opposed to being labeled as a definitive unchangeable entity, that the difference between the two creates a person on the one hand who learns self direction and the other who is lost in judgement as being limited, so powerful is the use of words and their effects on us as life as substance. Again, we admit and know what we are and yet we react within limitation in fear of loss, meanwhile the substance as life is right here showing the way out, right in front of us.
So, to put an end to this, what is here on earth must be used to support life, to support the “state of being” of the human as life to realize we are the creators of the “state” of being on earth simply by what we accept and allow as the labels we place, where the labels are simply a part of beingness as a state able to change, or a fixed state. For some we allow development and others we do not. Until we allow all life to be life, to know itself as life able to transform and develop, there is no real life on earth, and no real development, as all the parts must be in movement in and as life for life to transcend into and as life. Thus, heaven is an illusion, a separation from life, a belief in a more than only, an idea in separation from life.
Consciousness is the manifestation of self interest in separation from life, it is the allowance of self as greed, it is self fixed in limitation, a wall of ignorance and the exit is self forgiveness to equal consideration of all life and a system that meets the needs of all life, valuing life as what is the gift.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to reactions to questions that cannot be answered by the person in authority, where I have not seen, realizes and understood within and as looking at the state of being of the person reacting and considering why such a state would exist, as I did not look at the system in totality and see, realize and understand the limitations of an existence that exists in fear of loss, as money without and a holding of values as to what self believes self is, where self had made a value within self to determine self in separation from self as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the separation into and as a more than as self believing self to be a value as a personification of a quality as what self is, is not self in awareness of self as life, equal and one, as within holding a value as making a person more-than is a judgement, and thus a state of belief as being a more than another is the focus in self interest only without self realization of the starting point of self being life, equal and one in all that is here in and as life on earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a reaction, in fear of loss of self, in fear of loss of status based on the reaction of another, where I judged the reaction of another as what I am, as the other pointed the finger in judgement, to which I reacted instead of looking at how blame and judgement is a protection and defense of lack within the stance of the accuser, and this I became one and equal to accusation becoming accusation instead of stopping and looking at what is here as the state of being within and as limitation not seeing realizing and understanding an ability of self as life to direct self as life into and as understanding the physical world through using the gift of life as the physical to become aware of life as the value able to experience the state of being, simply being as what can express and move through and as many experiences of the substance of life in and as expressing life here, and thus within this, to deny this to anyone thing on earth is a crime against life, and ignorance, where humans admit that a state of being is transitory, and allowing this for some and not others, which is a limitation as life for some and not others is an act of ignorance, not really allowing life, as this isfearing life, attempting to control the nature of life, which breeds a stagnant existence, as there is no heaven on earth until all life is breathing, being, equal and one in and as life here, thus greed is an accepted limitation that is able to be realized for what it is as a state of being ignoring life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to ignorance, as my reaction is an acceptance , making me one and the same as the non-looking, which is myself in protection and defense as a limited state taught and accepted within a system of survival instead of being myself in and as life, attending to what is real which is myself giving in and as myself as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that if I tried to play the violin the way I moved as reaction to and towards responses to questions that cannot be answered then I would have never used myself as the physical and learned to play, as playing requires moving with, changing with, without judgement, or focus on being a value defined by the being of what i am doing, as playing requires focus on here, on how self moves, on what is produced, where there is not time for judgement, as what exists is simply moving here with and as self as life, equal and one in learning to be equal and one with and as the physical, which demands awareness of the physical, thus to not care for the physical world is to deny life, and thus a crime against life as knowledge and information without application is useless.
When and as I become a reaction to a reaction, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that reaction is one and the same as the protection and defense as reaction within and as reaction being blame and spite, hiding of ignorance in self interest, and thus I stop and I breath to see realize and understand the limitations of the state of being as the reaction in fear of loss, where perhaps it is to be noted that blame and spite and ignorance is not an action of prevention and thus a cure of what exists as lack of presence of self as looking at how here moves in and as the physical, where trying to find an answer in the knowledge and information as mind, is life looking up in a rotar file as mind, for solutions without physical application by self, as no information can be self physical applying self, as words can only give direction but cannot be self physically moving here, thus in one sense, no one can really tell another what they can be or do, as no one can be the physical movement of self here, thus there really is no choice but to allow self to become the directive of self, and any other option has no common sense of the physical world, which is so evident in the state of earth, where so many are starving and poverty is an unresolved growing issue, unacceptable which must change, and the means to do this is the simple application of equality, to give as one would like to receive.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breathing, to realize that reaction in and as judgement, as label, as defining within limitation is a reaction of knowledge and information as label without physical seeing, realizing and understanding here, where emotions , thoughts and feelings, are as a storm of energy ignorant of looking at what is physically here clinging to knowledge and information, without application, as this is consciousness and not self as life equal and one to and as being what works in common sense as the physical, here.

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