I spent a lot of time working with my younger son in middle school. The memory I have is sitting down and looking at every single paper he had to write. What I did was check if he had structured his papers correctly. I allowed myself to get to a frenzied point of dreading to check his work, going to him and asking him if , for example, this or that was a topic sentence, and if this or that was a detail, or if he had substantiated what he had said enough, etc.etc. etc.. But I had become so anxious about it that I have developed this anxious energy that is triggered whenever I have to read something.
Also, when I returned to school, I had to read a lot of books. Some of these books went on and on and on about teaching experiences in a manner of praising teaching and doing this through citing good moments of success. It was a song of how good a person was, and it would go on and on and on and on. And I would read the book because I believed that i had to read every word given to me for the class, that perhaps in all the self aggrandizement there was one sentence that had a point, and I did not want to miss that point. People do and can say very insightful things, but sometimes there is so much fluff around their words it is like wading through mud to get to them. But then, again, this is the mind, filled with the molasses of good and bad, self justification and self validation, and one walks the vortex of separation until finally some point comes through as that person walks through experience all the way back to themselves. Such a waste of time really. And a catch twenty two, because we are supposed to accept this, but this is what needs to be cleaned up. It really is unacceptable. And I am caught in this just as much as anyone. And, this is used to slow down and waste the very life in each of us. It is how the media touts a truth and buries it in half truth/unclear associations that consume life as one spends one’s life sorting through what should be clear, what should be self equal and one with physical reality.
So, because this was not clear to me, and I am not saying that I can catch this every time, because I am conditioned to accept the spin of association or I will be considered rude, when what is rude is the spinning of associations that take attention/focus away from common sense of physical reality. Which means popping bubbles of good and bad values, and getting to the heart of the situation. Which means, standing stable within this, not reacting to the reactions, bringing it all back to common sense.
So, I realize that I have my own values, as judgements attached to reading words, because of these emotional reactions I had in the past within working with my son and reading texts that were filled with a person talking about how wonderful their experiences were, instead of being direct, within what they were doing. And, within this, to realize that there are people who love reading such things, like a romantic novel, wallowing in the endless description of good feelings, where there is then a dip into a possible loss of the ideological picture, that is then a movement of conflict with that ideology that is then brought back resolved, back to the ideological picture. A kind of orgasmic tension and release, via imagery as idea, as mind, very limited in detail, and as such, never able to be lived, thus the book world becomes an alternate reality one escapes to, that does not match physical reality. And physical reality is never lived, one’s sensation of the physical is never realized.
This reaction to words within me is also tied to my mother. I have been told that I am supposed to be compassionate to the emotions and feelings of another, and it is like sitting and “ reading” the same kind of book that goes on and on in self validation. For years, I would become so restless, dreading to have to do this, even thought I could not explain why precisely. And, many times I would put my foot in my mouth - so to speak- because I would call out the point of what was being said before the person got to wallow their way to the point.
I was at this party, and the man of the house, walked me around to look at all his creations, they were these framed boxes of sectioned trinkets. Each little square had many of the same object. They were very well done. And fun to look at for a moment. The craftsman ship was cool. I enjoyed them. Then we sat down to dinner and he leaned close to me and started to tell me his story, the story of his relationship to his father. I listened. Then it dawned on me that his story was to same story written in books about the father/son relationship. I did not want to hear this pitty patter, I wanted to join in the group conversation. It all happened so fast, it appears slow here because writing is so linear, but in the moment it was more a quantum thought - so to speak. Anyway, I looked at him and said, “ oh, that is Kafka’s story.” Silence. The man had a look on his face like a deer in headlights. More silence. he never spoke to me again. Would not even say hello at the beach parking lot. I had in one moment unspecialized his story. oops.
Hey, maybe there would have been the tiniest degree of difference, and maybe I would have learned some measure of awareness. But I honestly don’t think so, and, AND, that awareness could have been shared within the group, as an addition to the conversation of the group having a dinner together. Perhaps, the group interaction would have required that the insight from his experience in life be made more concise, more direct. Because, participation in a group demands sharing the space of life, which would balance out tendencies to make one’s emotions and feelings bigger than reality. If I take this and place it in the context of the present system, then we can realize that inequality, where money is directed by a few, instead of from each point of the ground, through purchasing power, then perhaps the poverty and the abuse we are all allowing to exist would not exist, because the voice of each would balance out inequality, and give the insight of all physical form’s perspective. As it is, it is like we ignore the total fabric of the physical world, and as such limited our awareness of life. And we end up listening to a very limited awareness of life and/or this awareness is spread out and not shared because our feel good emotions are made bigger than reality, as we are not using our heart to sense reality, as the physical world. Instead we hold onto ideas, like we make a trophy of a limited insight/perspective. I mean, this is what advertising does, and it impulses it again and again, filling the vessel of ourselves up, clouding direct seeing in common sense of reality.
I have created an entity as a belief within myself about reading words. I have expectations that the words are unclear, full of fluff. I mean if anyone reading this has ever listened to Liszt’s Faust, or played this piece, you might understand. That piece was like wallowing in the same emotion again and again and again. it was a relief when I no longer had to perform this piece. Even thought I realize I cannot allow myself to become a reaction to such. And within this, I cannot be pride, or arrogance about this, other wise I become the ego I criticize. Because the only thing that is real, is here, this moment, equal and one to and as being a physical being on a physical planet that operates in practical common sense ways. It must be realized that if every human, became equal and one to physical reality as the value, then life would be fun.
I, in the mean time - lol - I allowed, will have to slow myself down and self forgive the anxiety I accepted and allowed in reference to reading words. And, to realize when I am reading something that is not to the point, to not react and either make the choice to not continue reading, or continue reading without reactions. And to forgive the judgement that is a memory of myself allowing the checking of my son’s writing as being tedious, when all it was was checking the form and practicing making it clear.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become ansi at the idea of having to listen to another’s words and/or read words on a page.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel overwhelmed within having to check the homework of my children.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that in reading another’s words, or to have to listen to another’s words is like being in a prison that i cannot escape from.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel like listening to another’s words is like having bullets being pelted on my chest.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to resist words.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to get a headache at the idea of having to listen to another’s words, or read another’s words.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have an expectation that reading words is going to be tedious.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that words are cumbersome.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not want to look at words.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to view words as a burden, as something that cannot change.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to view words as like a piece of music coming out of someone’s mouth where I am required, as a woman, to accept such words and if I don’t I will be considered difficult, or lacking in compassion.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to go into righteousness in reaction to this.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in reacting to such I am not addressing the form placed in front of me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see words as something etched in stone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto words as though they are un-mutable.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to fix words, which is myself wanting to etch words in stone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want words etched in stone as a protection and self defense.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take words seriously, and or not take them seriously.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react in anger to words.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react with indignation towards words.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is one form for words, where in reality, words are like water, they change and reorder as in answer to the changing form of reality and perspective sharing of the physical world, as aspects of the physical world are brought forward to focus in a moment to build understanding of physical reality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the opposite of righteousness, which is an abdication of using words, as in believing myself to be incapable of using words, which is myself allowing a belief of being wrongedness - as there is no other word that i can think of in the moment to describe the opposite of righteousness.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the opposite of righteousness, in and as believing myself to be worthless.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to, at times, become neutral, as in becoming a silence of giving up, as in believing the point of being clear to be an impossibility, and within this to not see, realize and understand that I am in effect wanting a “ etched in stone” truth when such does not exist, as words are at the moment, an abstract of reality, forming a picture of the concrete, the actual real supportive physical world, and as such will change within what is focused on in the moment, and the awareness that is discovered as one becomes equal and one to and with, and as the physical.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a voice in and as my mind, that is the words “ it is not my fault”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that it is not my fault.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel guilt and shame for not having respected words and directed them in ways that do no harm, for not having used words in ways that make clear instead of having used words in protection and self defense, here I pushed away a “ bad” as a judgement onto another instead of addressing the projected bad into a correction that brought insight and understanding of being equal and one with and as what is real as the physical world, and or, to have used words to focus all those around me onto a good based on an experience or object that I owned as in having lived the experience or owning the thing that is considered something that makes a person a “ more than” in society.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that i must be punished for causing harm through not being self honest with and as being equal and one in consideration of physical reality being the value as the substance of life, where the pain in the realization that I hurt others, and as such hurt myself are one and the same, and as this, it is to realize that the pain is the separation, and thus the correction is to stand equal and one in common sense in thought word and deed with and as the physical, as what is real, and to walk the steps to become equal and one with and as life, for which the physical is the measure of and as, the gift of life, to become equal and one to and as life, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have used the wealth of the physical, as the resource of myself to be life, and the resource of my labor as the use of words , as “ la” is the note “a” and thus, “ a” Bore, and as such a lesser substance that bore no real witness to life, and as such became a burden as a cross reference in self interest instead of becoming a cross reference with the very focus of myself onto , equal and one with, the actual real physical world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be ashamed of the rejection of life that was the expression of myself as the words I spoke, creating an entity of unworthiness hidden by righteousness, where I masked my own shame within a feeling/emotion of helplessness and sense as a belief that life is impossible, instead of standing equal and one with and as the physical, the wealth given as a gift to equalize myself to and as life, and using that which I used to separate myself into that which can as life common sense what is best for all here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that this is all very sad.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have believed that others rejected or pushed me away, or attacked me, when others were doing the same as I and as this to blame or spite another for what i have done, is not bringing myself in alignment and standing in patience, humility and careful stability within and as the practice of being oneness and equality with and as a common sense of what is best for all within the principle of equality, which is practical consideration of physical existence in ways that value all life and as such, actions that do no harm to any living thing.
When and as I find myself reacting to words, written and/or spoken, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that words are sound, that are a model of here, or a model of a belief, opinion and idea, a model of an entity that is unequal to and as a common sense of physical reality and as such to not react but to listen and , bring the words back to self, to walk a process of self correction where there is no reaction of righteousness, worthlessness, judgement in protection and self defense in fear of loss as separation within limitation as inequality to life, and as a belief that being here, is impossible as in not what is wanted, where this “ not what is wanted” is the paranormal as the mind inferior to life.
When and as I find myself reacting to words, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I look at the description of words in relation to what is real, as the physical world, as what directs within and as what is best for all the movement and expression of physical reality, as this physical reality is the form and thus composed of the expression and substance of life here, without which I cannot breath and be here, this the physical- is life, is the form and being of myself here, and as such the ideas, beliefs and opinions in and as my mind must be cross referenced with the physical with every breath, here.
When and as I find myself reacting to another, to a situation, I stop and I breath, and i slow myself down and I see, realize and understand the limitation to here, as the words, to and towards understanding rejection of self direction and thus self honesty to here, to what directs self within and as what does no harm and as such what supports that which allows the expression of life in form and function as the physical, thus to direct my words to be clear and a direct image and likeness of what is actually real as the physical.
DIP Lite Self forgiveness, writing, and self corrective application. Bring the white noise of the mind back into practical physical reality to become equal and one to and as life as