Thursday, February 27, 2014

Day 516 Facing Cruelty and Conjecture

When I talk with others and explain things about spatial awareness, it is like there is nothing there. And then I go into fear. And then statements come at me, stated as though this is the way it is. And compassion is wanted. I take this personally, as though I am supposed to wait. I even had a group of education professors tell me that it was too difficult to teach spatial awareness/depth perception.
I go into believing that i have not explained myself well - which maybe I have not - but I notice i get loopy at this point, like there is a mirage in front on me, and then, i get all confused, and go into thinking I can’t get through and I am trapped.
I freeze, I hold myself tightly, closed, like a silence, a dumbing silence. And then the corners of my mouth sink.
I did this today while talking with another person.
I have a memory come up from high school. I have written about this before. I was in a foreign apartment waiting for someone. Suddenly, a face of a man appeared up in the corner of the room. In a split second he went from being a gentle man to what many would call a demon presence - it was like he suddenly got really really angry and started projecting red horned monsterness. But, it was too late for me I had seen what came before and had realized it was all conjecture. Then the white light behind this paranormal event appeared in the distance, like an inverted distance, depth.
I asked if there were things happening in that apartment. and evidently things moved around went the occupants were not at home. 
I left knowing, with no uncertainty, that what was there could not touch me in any way. Too bad I did not speak. My conditioning on some level was already set.
So, lately I have had thoughts when I see the face of a person that there is a harshness in the visage. a manner of cruelty, a rushing intense manner. I see this and this earlier memory keeps coming up.  I also have these images coming from behind, of old people. It is like something enveloping me.Somehow it is all linked to the cruelty within the consequences of the present system that does not respect physical life on earth.
I continue to react to the cruelty I read about what exists all over the planet.  It is heart wrenching for me. And I can feel my heart going into a knot, like there are two forces pressing against one another.
I cannot learn to address limitation if I go into confusion, and yet I get these images of projected cruelty and this reaction to actual cruelty - and seeing a harshness in the visage of people, perhaps because this is my present emotional stew and pictorial exaggeration as mind. Perhaps the situation is to accept this and reorder so I can begin to address confusion when conflict within me leads to confusion. I may be addressing the limitation but I am doing so in protection and self defense. Like the script is there, but it is used to hide - because I am reacting to the cruelty of the projections of rigid beliefs that are themselves the same as me projecting a script that is more ordered, but still a projection.
And, in my busyness to project properly - I lose focus and miss the cruel projection of limitation and as such cannot address it and then feel I failed and have not faced the storm - the paranormal as a limited mind consciousness system.
Also mixed into this self blame is anger. a subtle twist of the victim feeling they are not listened to, self righteous.
But it was me not listening and reacting in fear of the violent aggression - as how I viewed the statement that was a response to my words, that was really an inner reaction of the other trying to make sense based on their own knowledge and information within which they were trying to make sense, but their sense was on a construct of knowledge and information association, without any practical application to physical reality.
So great is the disconnect from physical space and time, that association to knowledge and information as mind only reacts because looking here, at physical manifestation means one has to change and give up the projection clung to. A projection has no real substance, it is fueled by ideological beliefs, opinions and ideas. This is idol worship following, self validating. It really is no different than what that man did in the apartment. It is all, in total, a separation from the eye of the needle, which is physical reality.
Another aspect of dreams and this “ other world” is the background. It is dark, black, it is like a velvet thing, and all this projection is on top of this. I have noticed that this is behind it all, this darkness that has no anger, has no cruelty, it is always there, it has a depth somehow. The darkness is the “ light” and the “ light” is the conjecture and the conjecture is cruel as it now stands because of what we humans have accepted and allowed as our present.
I remember working with a younger person when I returned to school. This person could not hold form within her, she could only write papers by cutting and pasting sentences. Needless to say I was astounded. When asked to actually discuss something, she claimed a learning disability and wanted everything ordered within this “ care.” Though we have a society that is allowing this, it is cruel to allow this, and because this has been allowed it will take time to sort this out, because the tool of the mind is to build an image to build understanding and has to be realized as an image only: the image is not what is real, what is real is practical reality. Which is why the man that projected demonic pictures ( which is all they were) was hanging on the physical world, he could not exist without it. The joke is on you!

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