Learning step by step to redress a limited morality Day 733

This week I had conversation with people in very different positions in this world. I have learned to become quiet and listen with greater ease. Meaning instead of reacting I listen, to hear the forms, to see the ‘ numbers’ placed before me, as the measure of the information.  

I have two memories coming up recently. One recent and one from my childhood.  

The first is while I am working in a  school. There is a boy in the room, it is a remediation , or invention class. This boy is behind in his ability to read and process information. The teacher comes and asks the boy why he signed up for a class that he knows he can only take once- as the boy has already had this class. The boy then moves this into a conversation as to why he can only take the class once. The teacher responding. After the boy leaves, this teacher gets on the phone and goes through the whole conversation again with a colleague.  I watch all of this, somehow it is a time frame of busyness that is a comfort zone, a distraction. The boy, so isolated from his peer group, grasps as moments of verbal interaction, to have something to live. He knows he cannot repeat that special class that is popular. The teacher joining in the topic to engage the child, and using the topic to fill the space and entertain, because real problem solving as processing information is not happening and it is the problem.  Ironic that the mechanics used are the thing needing greater definition, greater self reflection within what one lives in real space as what one expresses, as a math that has no real direct seeing movement. It is like an elongated song, a math, imposed on being grounded in this reality.  It is like a bubble of drama, or draw-me, imposed on the space that is a self seeking connection yet the connection is a false positive, as engagement is a fundamental drive. Yet this drama, done with words and values, is sidestepping a real awesomeness of being present in all that is here, as the physical.  It is, by default, a comfort zone melody/math/soap opera filled with good intentions, yet missing the mark, not seeing itself as a separation from the capacity of itself to see the distraction it is by the very nature of a lack of presence in real space. 

This also happened with talking to a friend. This person has had one of the best educations our country provides. She has attended the best schools.  We were talking about history, when she made a statement that I have heard and could see the accepted logic of in relation to ideas about changes in time away from what is considered being spiritual. It was a statement that science caused a loss of spirituality. When this statement was made, I countered it by saying that this could be said of any change as recorded and voiced by our system. This naturally caused a lot of friction and I had to stop, listen and allow the rant of defensive for platitudes to play itself out.  I checked myself even when it was said that I had to be righteous at the end of the response my words elicited. I even agreed that I had been righteous, and that what was said was a standard  formula that was stated. Naturally this brought on more reaction. Yet, as she spoke, to some extent, she travelled through time and realize the pattern, that it could be said that there were other periods where the same argument was made that a subsequent period created a loss of something. Overall, this was a play out of knowledge and information memorized, a standard hi/high- story ( a supposed morality) of information constantly circumnavigating practical and grounded application in real space and time, in common sense of what and who we are as physical beings here.  

Even to see this, and not be as reactive towards these songs, these maths, these measure of information, took some time. Standing up to the very morality of this, meaning to speak up counter to it, even if that meant calling out patterns, knowing this would elicit reactions, I allowed to cause a lot of fear. This fear manifested as myself feeling like I was losing something. Physically I would become, just like the feeling of fear, loopy and ungrounded, like I was in a soup, losing ground.  I feared that I was going to be cast out, rejected, because I did not know, as agree with the formula, the accepted formula. Meanwhile, when this did happen, I was always here, it was only an idea within me, the loopyness myself, in a way, liquifying everything I believed as spoke as allowed, moving into a spin, a deconstruction of the information as me. I would acquiesce to not lose the relationship, for various reasons that were more of idea than anything real. What is interesting is that when I was more simple and more practical, and relaxed, as in caring but not that much, the drama stopped.  In this situation, I could see the remnants of my own fear playing out, and within the rant of justification for a standard belief, a process of self discovery as the math, as the equation of events made belief were made verbal. As the realization of a pattern via justifying the standard pattern was seen, there was an immediate movement into value judgements , this some call hyperbole.  It is that formulaic design I have seen in those blogs written by trolls, where a truth is stated and then moves into the fear tactics of value judgement, a kind of mendacious gossip that is the pulling forward of a value judgement and then suggesting worst case sceanrios. It all can appear to move like a horror show as it triggers any fears within one, and keeps one riding in an illusion that is held in place by a lack of processing what is allowed as informed that has no real relationship to practical reality. For me, moving through a morality of and as an idea that pushing against this in any way, was taboo, was mean, meant a certain rejection by the establishment. Somehow, the opposite is true, which I have found when being patient, allowing the scream of limited information to play itself out, to move into discovery or the formulaic play-out of trolling, as name calling being a distraction from that moment of realizing a pattern that would mean re-evaluating everything one had defined one's self as. 

This sense of feeling like a liquid inside myself, triggering the second memory, I am in elementary school, and suddenly the wods around me are changing, and they change from some value form, I don't remember, to the point I remember, as being this liquid thing that falls apart and reforms. In the memory, I do not react with the sense of losing ground that I have experienced as an adult. I suppose because as a child, I was still grounded in the physical to a greater degree than I have allowed myself to be as an adult. 

Interesting that I am writing this, because I have asked myself in this process where that point of separation from being focused in common sense, happens. This because I have asked question about being in a situation where I, be it imagination or a micro second in seeing through a veil, managed to see a different world perspective than what I was lost in as that information I spun in that changed in a moment for which it appeared to me that I had no control over. I wanted to see the sequences of change from one to the other. The leaps of  change happening too fast for me to process.  I suppose some tiny part of me understood that I am in a smoke and mirrors show, the ghost of which terrified me, and lead to asking the question " Where is life? It must be here, it has to be here, where is it?" 

As I learn to assess in living space what is happening around me, and I begin to realize a false morality in practice, I move into shame, and a sense of impossibility at clearing all of this up. there is a point of wanting to cry that circles around as I move through the sequences of my own experience, of my own experiences from my life. I would say the hardest from within my relationship to all of this at this point, is no longer fearing to move through an acepted and limited morality.  That being to face and address the standard line of information. This being a justification, that a method of operation, that is formulaic. Ironically, this a means that lead to a greater seeing or realizing of these patterns was through slowing down and processing the information, not fearing to lose something, as having a faith that somehow life is here, all around me, as it has to be, because life will. I would pick myself up, like a slow moving Sherman tank and try again, despite so many around me coming in with counter rationals, myself having a character that wants to cry out in hopelessness, that being a memoory from childhood, a memory of giving up in some way, as yet not clearly defined. Somehow, that is okay that it is not, because the means to this point is to keep going until the mote in every eye is clear, and what is eternal is realized. Somehow, mixed in with the fear, is a tiny sense of joy. And with that joy, is so muchshame, a realization of so much lost, I just want to cry out that I am sorry, so very sorry for not having lived the potential inherent in what men on earth can be. 

This was a loss of what I left behind, as a gentleness that had a natural patience, which I lost in my life as well in a person, something that can never come back. No one can tell me that it is not my fault, when yes it is the default of not being focused and in respect of what is all around us, and that is life, manifest as the physical.  What I project as a loss in another, is what I lost as me. The means to be this, the same patience and silence that allows a morality to play itself out, and the action of not reacting to the formula of a troll, that truth coupled with inflamatory value judgements using a false narrative with a energized voice that has only the power I give to it. My own process of choosing fear and believing the self created and accepted entity of ideas wihtin me, to seem more real than the practical.  In all I can embrace the unnatural, because it is a game of shadows and stand within what remains no matter what, that I am here, I am the same after the emotional picture show peaks and moves either into realization and/or protection and defense. That defense needing no push back and only patience, because that reaction allows me to realize my own reflection as idea, of what I have allowed. It is a gift. 

In this, overall, I can stop chasing shadows as what resistance is by name, as information, a story imposed through words -as knowledge and information - and remember who and what I am, that nothing can define me, and that I can learn the smallest of movements, to stand equal to that gentleness that is the will of me as life, here.  I can be myself,  I can gift myself life, I can recognize the paranoia of the paranormal, as the promise I made to myself that I had to become myself, to ensure that the loss of what is precious, never happens again.  Somehow, this state of being on some border, as I see it, is both a mixture of shame and joy.  There is only one choice here.

This reminds me of the slow death of my father. His body having all the characteristic tics and tensions, that slowly faded. His body became still. The energies appearing to no longer have license over the body. The body taking a couple of breaths even when he was gone. His request that he be buried next to his sisters, a telling story - as that time with his sisters, was probably the last time he remembers being really happy/grounded, just as my memory as a child.  This choice being the choice where he remembers some semblance of himself, so far back in the past. The presence of him, being more of a child, gentle and simple. How could that be?  For me, the loss of that gentleness is unacceptable.  The wall of the mind,as a false positive, a charade of separation from what is real, must be called out by name, and allowed to see itself for what it is, a personality unequal to the real potential of self to be what is natural as the inherent will of life within and as who and what we are here on this physical planet, where all plans as forms of information are visiable, even those causing separation if we simply slow down and do what we can all do so well, which is to do the math, to see the forms,  to know we can stand stable in ourselves and choose a practice of respecting the physical world around us to realize what does no harm. 

Remember to breath. 

Day 689 Looking at the word " Star"

Within defining the word star, looking at the math of the emotions and feelings that are an aggrandizement of a value, I realize, based on my own childhood, how much I can inflate something, creating an entity that I fear seeing beyond or hide behind, creating an inflated value of a good and a bad.  I am not seeing the practical math of form in physical existence. I am renting a value, that becomes a weakness that I practice  in protection and defense, an entity that must be grounded in practical reality.  After all does not a seed begin with a single movement? And do we not learn something through starting with a single movement?

What do I mean by all this?

As a child, I remember not wanting to look at my parents. As that child I have memories of always looking up, looking up towards a big person, a person I did not want to see. I would look with fear, I would resist looking.

Later, as I grew and was a little bigger, I remember turning to look and see, I remember the word “ I care” within myself. And so I became a person who cares, as though this enabled me to look. yet I looked with a energetic polarity, meaning, I looked to take care of the person. As though I could see the division from something and the behaviors in front of that blocking the person. I could see the behaviors as projections, a maze to work through. Unfortunately, I got lost in the game, and began a persona of using information to make me more, when the limitations were screamed at me, like a protection and defense I had not the means to move through yet, I could not do the math to move through this. I could not communicate the words, the measures, the math.  I created my own limitations in protection and defense.

 I remember reading the “ TIN DRUM” when I was twelve, not having any understanding of the context of war. What fascinated me was a child screaming without end. I remember carrying this book around with me, totally engrossed in reading the descriptions of the child screaming. I carried it in cars with me, where parent’s friends were amazed that I, a twelve year old was reading this book.

Obviously, I was searching for something. Perhaps I hoped at the time that somehow the scream would reach through something, would cut through what I had not defined, and remained from my past, as a memory of some entity larger than myself, in front of me, that I could not name.

Sound and words and math. It is all the same, words are measure, they are sound, they are an ordered breath. A scream is a unstructured sound, one of pure frustration and fear. It is not being able to accept what is here, and yet not having the structural means to find a way out of the smoke and mirrors show that is a kind of  hued man in separation from being grounded in the real measure of physical reality.

Now, comes the definition of the word ‘ star’ and I realize that just as I reacted to my parents as something scary, as something larger than myself, so are the ‘ stars’ of the media presented through a ubiquitous presence on a screen, in lights, and larger than life, on movie screens, always bigger than a real human. One focused on a picture in a box, where the lack of peripheral view created a space where that person became larger than physical reality, a context out of whack with real living.

Visual imagery composed of lights, like a ghost. This ghost on reality through the mechanism of lights in boxes and screens, that narrowed the focus and imprinted values, creating neurological pathways that held stories  ( storied/structured/layered intel) completely out of measure with practical reality.

If I return myself to the ground, and I were in a crowd of say 10,000 people, and someone stood on a soap box without the artistry of lights and micro phones to make-larger-than-life a person, how many people could actually be reached?  How could one really be a ‘ star’ in the modern sense?  If one looked around one, the real fabric would be others, the same as myself. Hence the whole idea of a person being a star, a larger than life entity, is an illusion of artifice.

Even in the story telling of pre-tech times, the values of developed people were made larger than life through story, repeated again and again. Entertainment that divided one from being practical and from remembering how things are built through practice and development, through walking the measure yet using the same means! I mean,  telling a story is walking a measure, it is in the end all the same. It is a math, one that the one’s-who-play-god use to control. A control that is a math that we accept and allow unless we begin to use that natural ability to accept one order of a math, and start using that ability to assess and investigate everything that is placed before us; the media, what information is sent through our schools, the values absorbed from our parents, the traditions followed that began from a practice developed over time in a more agricultural time. We have forgotten the math that built what and who we are, we have forgotten to see the math that is here, within each, and without as the measure of all things, to see what does no harm and what takes that which is good.

This is why, all research makes it clear that the more we read, the more we begin to see the patterns and realize that math, and begin to process what is the false math, done through limitation, a lie-by-omission, a not-the-whole-story, memorized- me memorialized!. When we move into the world and we run into mis-takes, we want to move into blame instead of correcting ourselves.  Blame is actually harder to be, than sorting things out. The ghost in the machine appears to be real. 

And so, our greatest strength becomes our greatest weakness. We become an imperfect measure, and we blame anything that does not fit into that measure. We are separated from the real richness of life as the physical. Yet, this ability to assess, to sense space and time, the fabric of the physical and the unequal measure sounded is the real capacity of what informs our greatest weakness.

We have as each accepted a math that in inferior to life. We are here, to make the choice to accept life or dissipate as easily as that projected light image. That image is believed to be more than life. It is called a personality. It is when you say something like “ I am more than her”or when you believe that your friend is less than you. It is when you believe that you must compete with your neighbor. It is when you look down on another human being, or animal, or politician. It is when you pay those taxes that are you paying homage to a false god, because you have allowed a system where someone that moves digits and numbers around on paper is more than a farmer. It is when you do not investigate the real math. It is when you do not realize that vaccines have never worked, from the beginning. It is when you don’t realize that our schools by design are not meant to teach you to be your real potential. It is when a parent places a child in front of a television, having forgotten who they are, because the seeds of information as taken in by the physical by the previous generation, seed the form of the tree that is to come. Each subsequent generation assaulted without and within by information that is by nature meant to distract you from who you really are. Yet, it is accepted and allowed, absorbed within and without.  A seed that cannot be thrown away, as there is a baby within that body of water/information. It can only be transformed back into focusing on what is real, the physical, seeing directly the separation and what is real. Our children are our greatest assets and yet they are the poorest amongst us!

A real star is a body in equilibrium with life. A  real star is cognizant of the math of life, of the very fabric ‘s composition. It is built of cells, joining together. A star is built of hydrogen and helium. These are cells, joined together. This is the real math,  not a grid line.  After all, hydro is water, and ‘ gen’ is information. Hence stars are the same as us, water in formation.  After all we are 70% water. We are coupled with oxygen as how the cells exist on earth. So ask yourself what you are resonating today, is it that which considers all things, taking that which is good and does no harm?  Are you in respect of the physical?

In order for me to really see the stars that are a part of the fabric of this world that is an information of cells and atoms, that is also me, as the same stuff, I must use my greatest strength to focus on the richness of this life that is physical in expression, as this is what is real.

Day 669the presence of a wall of memories; the effort to speak as a child.

What is a wall?

I woke up this morning with this word in  my head. I realize the sense of a ‘ wall’ around me is my own making. It only defines me if I accept and allow it.

I also heard a statement about the nature of Astrological signs this week. The woman said that water signs tend to be boundless. Funnily enough, in the group, the water signs were all on the edges of the group, where they could escape, remaining on the borders. 

Being of such a nature means that one can absorb everything and yet not be bound by it unless accepted and allowed, since one can change beliefs, opinions and ideas held within one, meaning one is not bound by such. And yet, this is a means to an end, meaning that one can understand something and let it go and change. One can expand perspective, learn and become more aware. Yet if the starting point is one of believing that one can be bound, and has a character of being boundless, then one is reacting to form, as belief, opinion and idea.

So the statement that one is boundless means that that quality of making the choice to be boundless is the same quality that can understand something for a moment and transform. Because the idea of being boundless means one is constantly transforming, as in rejecting and accepting what one chooses to believe, especially on a physical planet where it takes practical. measurable steps to get things done. If things are done in practical ways then what is real is right in front of us. When I am acting boundless, I am rejecting what is here, fearing to address it, fearing to call it by name and accepting the quality of it, and interacting with it in practical common sense ways.

Hence resistances are my own wall. My physical body tenses to resist what I believe will cause me harm. Because this belief is a measure within me, as an idea, it is myself in separation from being present in what enables me to live , and that is the physical world around me.

I have accepted a wall of belief, and that wall of belief becomes what binds me in limited ways. 

I recently had a memory come up of myself pushing myself to talk as a child. The memory is like an emotional veil. 

It was such an effort to do this, as though I was clenching myself within myself to ex-press the words I was playing with as sound. The anxiety behind this was great. Such a huge effort it seemed. 

Within the memory,  is the perspective of this, meaning the whole focus of myself was on moving myself within myself. My presence, like my eyes, were focused on this movement within me.

A memory can therefor me, a measure, a movement, a tiny slice of time and space. And each memory is like a different measure of movement, like currents in an ocean; some move slow because they are of such a simple movement within me, and others are fast moving, cluttered with debris as zip filed thoughts that are of belief, opinion and idea creating a story of justification for what has been created within that moves one, defines one, and ultimately separates one from being focused and present. In a way, it is a tying of all of this together, where one walks backwards, so to speak, through all of this and begins to see what was constructed with what builds memories within and a perspective of seeing not only this memorized within, and also, in tandem with, what is without as what is the real physical world that was there, that we each were within, become culture and language built personalities that became larger than life.

Who am I within what I accept and allow as beliefs, opinions and ideas? Since what is within is constructed, because it was not there when I was born, or until what seeds were planted as such states of being as the adults around me imbedded as measures of perspective within my DNA,  resonant because they are a form, a memory that can zip file information, what was I before all of this, even as the adults of my exposure and imitation,  around me walking in bubbles of a within made larger than life?

Measurable and math mathematically, this means I am built of what I am exposed to. This means that what is within me, must be equal in measure to seeing directly what is without that is me. This means that in the order of real living, my within must be cross referenced to what is without. This means that real trust, the trust of life, the acceptance of life, must be to realize equality and oneness to the physical. This is accepting everything as life, as creation.

This means that there is only here. 

I ask myself why there was so much anxiety attached in this memory to moving my body in such a way to be able to start speaking words? Was it that I only had words within a context of the beliefs, opinions and ideas of the humans standing within my environment? Was it that what I imitated was a different world than the world around me? Was it that I feared becoming this paranormal activity? Probably.

I notice in my chest, a movement that is not whole, and instead it is more like a hole, where what moves within this, is not sound, instead it feels like it pours out a racing thing, a film thing. I can answer it more, perhaps if I look at this from another angle. It is like it fears taking in other forms. and the consequence is that it is ‘ of an effort’ to change outside of pictures and ideas within and as me. I notice that in some instances taking in information about ‘ finances on the world stage’ is a genre/formation/structure that I have great difficulty with. I have to in these instances really slow down and assess the information as though it is so foreign to me. I tell myself that it is  a measure, a form that can be understood with continued assessment. The contrast of this change to assess this form, as the financial part of the present system,  exists in contrast to what races within my heart/chest that is like a thing as a measure as a form, that resists changing itself.  And yet, this is where I notice at times I can reform myself within understanding others areas of living, as in assessing how to organize some spatial thing in my direct world, my home- for example.

The anxiety comes up in some things my mind projects as words, as statements, such as; I can’t see that,” or “ I can’t grasp that,’ “ must get this”.

There is a sense that I really do not see the consequences of what I am doing. I am only imitating the world around me as trying to fit into what exists be it good or bad, right or wrong, and yet there is a thread of dread in some respects as though this short circuits the physical as me.

I can feel the anxiety of speaking within this, accumulating in my solar plexus, and then moving into my chest to flow out in a way that is of information that does not tell the whole story. It skims the surface.  When I become more ‘ boundless’ I notice that I am being change, and within this, the absence of anxiety happens, as less accumulates within my solar plexus, as I am busy assessing more than what is within me, I am slowing down and also sensing form and function of what is here. The red flag being when the information that is me, has to change and there is resistance because that information is not congruent with being present and here.

As a musician, I always has this sense that words were do limited, so one-dimensional. They moved too slowly to really have a presence in wholeness. Music seemed so much more a means of expressing a greater measure in a moment. And yet, words were sound too. Seeming contradiction.   One of the designs of our present system is that it does not allow for the time it takes to investigate. Yet is we are racing as a within that is not equal to what is without, we lose an innate ability to assess and understand form and structure around us, and hence we build a structure within that is in a relationship with limitation instead of complete understanding. This becomes what so many have accepted and allowed, which is a personality that has no real responsibility. And that is a crime against one’s self, a crime against life. No wonder so many are standing up and speaking about what is unacceptable in this world, and which is not placed on the mainstream media, because what is being expressed that is unacceptable, does not fit into the limitation that supports the limitation as one’s acceptance and allowances within one’s personification that is a metaphysical inner construct as one’s memory. 

I will do some self forgiveness in relation to the anxiety I felt as this memory, about speaking words, using this physical body to speak words using what I imitated around me, that caused a suppression that manifested as emotions accumulating in my solar plexus, and being formed into words that did not tell the whole story and therefor lacked a wholeness within my chest area.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that speaking words was an extra-ordinary effort.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that speaking words was a huge effort

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to get so caught in speaking words that I did not notice the effects of this on my physical body.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I was a child, attempting to behave as the adults in my world around me, and that to do this, I had to speak words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel very exhausted within summoning all of myself to move my physical body into speaking words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that within and as speaking words, and becoming at the same time exhausted within and as doing this, that I did not assess what I had done, as I simply accepted this without investigating what the consequence of this was within and as me.

Within this, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I became so focused on the words and the effort to speak words that being aware of anything outside of that was ignored.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that what my physical body as myself was doing was learning something new, placing into practice as me, some new formation of what I as a physical form could be and do,  that my focus on that and the praise I received for this,  distracted me from what I existed as before, that was what reformed to speak words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that in being able to speak words I was somehow more that what I was in contrast to before being able to speak words as the only value I accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that it is okay to enjoy speaking as in participating in some means of expression as speaking words, yet not to make this a more than, a greater value, something to be proud of as in an end game value  to define who and what I am, where realizing that this change and self expression with the physical is movement and living, and that this is ongoing, meaning it is being present, participating in creation in expression, as this is eternal and cannot be lost.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when and as I find myself accumulating emotional bodies within and as my solar plexus, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand where I am resisting investigating measure and form around me, as this is information that is not what I have accepted and allowed as a belief, as a measure within and as me. hence I slow down and I change within and as me, what I have accepted and allowed and the means of this, to reform through assessment and evaluation and realize that I can express this movement into considering all things, my own acceptances and allowances and what is without structurally, until I realize a form that is whole, as in directive into expanding awareness so my within can be equal and focused without, stable, grounded and at ease, as this is the absence of emotions and feelings of lack, comparison, resistance in competition of aggrandizing my within as ideas, beliefs and opinions.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have thoughts such as “ this is too hard’

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have thoughts such as “ I can’t do this,’ or “ I can’t grasp this,” or “ must get this.’

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear not matching the words of another.

I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding the fun of this, over all, as speaking words and moving my physical body  as the means of expression which is fun and means that I am the director of what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge the sounds that I emit, to fear making sounds, in fear of making a mistake, when learning means that one must attempt formation, and that means becoming equal in measure to something, which takes time and involves making mistakes, as this is the way and the means of realizing where I am not in total understanding of something, as this is by nature a process.

When and as I find myself tensing up, within and as my chest area, I stop and I breath, and I assess the thoughts and the emotional veils of memory from my past and the reactions I had within that memory, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that I am here, that that which builds is that which can reform and move into transforming who and what I am here, surrounded by creation as the physical, and within the construct of separation as the present system, and myself as a personality composed of limited measures in separation from being grounded and whole, equal and one to all life, which includes that physical as this is what is here before a mind consciousness was accepted and allowed to be bigger than life itself.

When and as I find myself moving into anxiety, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that the past as memory is no longer what I am here, and that the means to building my memory, as my experience, within the present system is the means of change, the means of slowing down, assessing and investigating what is here, to see, realize and understand what is best for all, as this is best for myself.

When and as I find myself tensing up and/or feeling anxious,  I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I assess, investigate, evaluate, my within mind consciousness and the without as the physical world that is at the moment influenced by the limited measure accepted and allowed my myself,  and I follow through in practical application what accepted and allowed judgements as lacks within and as me that I believed protected and defended my accepted separation from respecting all life as me, here, and I ground myself through forgiving my own beliefs, opinions and ideas, based on a past where I followed and imitated my without, absent consideration of all things, as I accepted and allowed self interest before respect for all things.

When and as I find myself tensing up within and as me, I stop and I breathe, and I slow myself down, and I become equal and one as the living word here, to ground my within, in and as my chest area to speaking in wholeness in what is in consideration of all things, as the physical as this is life information, here.

When and as I find myself skimming the surface of reality and the measure of accepted and allowed limited beliefs, opinions and ideas to define me as my within, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I realize that I am possible as who and what I am, life, here.

When and as I sense  a wall around and as me, as a sense of resistance to what is here around me, I stop and I breathe, and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that the real “ wall’ is the all, of and as me as us, as we, here, as the physical, and I assess and investigate my within and the without, until my personified wall of beliefs, opinions and ideas, as memories, as experiences, as data, as measure, are self forgiven in equality and oneness with and as the physical here, becoming a living word that is in tandem with life, as being the consideration of all things, taking that which is good and does no harm, to plant a seed of information equal and one to and as life, here.

Day 161 Imagination of Childhood Event

Day 161 Self Forgiveness on Imagination based on emotional outplays of a memory from childhood.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear speaking, to fear creating and causing confusion, to have made this moment of confusion a nature as an object as a persona of what it is that I am based on the developmental existence of what is before me, as my parents within a system of inequality and as inequality as what the word implies, a separation from life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not face this storm of confusion, in the realization that this is not what I am as life unless I allow and accept this as a definitive of what I am here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear this definitive, to allow this definitive to become huge, creating an idea that overwhelms and separates, in and as energy as this is a separation from being one and equal as life here, as solution, as a living word is a directive word, as life in equality is absolute within a nature of being forgiving in and as expressing life, that which surrounds as nature here on earth that is forgiving without judgement and without any signature of ownership as what is the value is being life in expression.
I forgive myself for building imaginary scenarios of wanting escape from facing this confusion, where I desire to be saved from my own accepted and allowed confusion, where the role of the damsel in distress is taken on as a female, a story taken from tribal roles and placed into religious scenarios where the salvation becomes an invisible god and is no longer the tribal warrior but the white knight serving an imaginary god.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to, instead of facing my confusion, as myself as a child having no understanding and development opportunities within understanding myself as life surrounded by adults of same development conveying all that they are as a product of a same system of separation from life, to allowing myself to become a character of wanting to run away and avoiding any scenario where I am asked to speak, and thus becoming a musician so I did not have to deal with speaking, as music was a way to not have to speak and use words, and thus a way to avoid becoming confused and facing the spite, blame, reactionary expression in and as energetic outplays of limited belief, opinion and idea, in and as ego, irritated by questions it cannot answer as the ego of self is a separation from life, as it is an energetic drama, energy game in separation from life fearing loss of what is the very thing that enslaves, a personification of values believed to allow self survival within an accepted system of inequality known as capitalism, where money determines who lives and who dies, and is used by a few to live this same life of separation in comfort while others live a life in extreme rapid physical diminishment and suffering.
I forgive myself for judging myself as being confused, where the drama lived is myself believing myself to be a cause of irritation when I speak, a difficult character when speaking, a person that does not have the capacity to understand.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have limited opportunities to speak, to learn to speak because I feared speaking.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have another memory come up in relation to this, where I had written a play to a fairy tale, and during the performance my castchanged the story line and my teacher came to me and yelled at me and I became the same confusion and could not answer to her, as I did not have an understanding of how the human as ego is the cause of the behaviors of characters of energetic games as persona that are a separation of life into and as fear of loss of self as life in fear that something other will become more than self, where self must not allow a more than self scenario as this leads to potential situations where there is the threat, in seeming to be less than, of survival.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I as a child, had not direction, through, within having the means and ways of being one and equal to the forgiving nature of life, to walk through what was not under-stood, one and equal to, as myself as life, and was taught to be in service to separations as what energy is, that are as a separation of limited design and thus negligent of supporting what is in fact what is real, which is this physical world as the manifestation of life, seen in that this earth givesfreely, where it is man as ego, within a system of survival where money determines who lives and who dies, that is the ignorance, accepted and allowed , created by those who accept, which is man, through rejecting equality and oneness as the gift that is the substance of what is here that is life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame myself, to be and become self blame, and self judgement, when and as I become confused, believing myself to be a source of irritation , impossibility and difficulty as what I am within not supporting ego, where I then become an ego of wanting to win in relation to the lack of understanding that is ego as man, through lack of oneness and equality with self as life as solution as man existent from self as life as the starting point of valuing life as what all that is of this earth consists of and exists as.
I commit myself to walking into the energy drama as mind of irritation, judgement as impossibility and difficulty , to becoming one and equal to this, and utilizing the principle of what is best for all, to directing through a fear of loss, and or a desire for gain, these energetic sensations of diminishment in fear of loss, and excitement in potential of gain, and bringing myself back here utilizing breath to equalize myself within myself as life, and within researching the very structure of the present capitalistic system of inequality, to within this speak in common sense of what is best for all.
I commit myself to realizing that behaviors of judgement, within and without, that are creating a belief that objects of irritation exist as the cause of demise as belief of , being difficult and impossible, is simply a behavior in and as fear of loss and desire of want, limited in development of the nature of life, of self as life, of this nature of life forgiving of itself, as how this earth is, these created objects being a cause of frustration, are a lack of self having the ability to direct self as life, as what exists is fear of loss and fear of death, an illusion made huge through how money determines life, and an idea of some invisible “more than” world, or “hand”, as a “determining object” that is the illusion and the separation from self as life, self as life able to direct as life, one and equal as what all that is here consists and exists in and as.

I commit myself to realizing that I can read words over and over again, but within myself these words must be physically realized, as what I have accepted and allowed within and thus without, as the human, and as myself individually, where to realize this as what I am allowing within I must breath, slow myself down and see the drama existent within, as myself asmind ONLY, other wise I cannot see this, as the mind is too busy being the characters of separation as the behaviors of ego, where I believe that I am always “right” and the other - be it object, animal, plant, collective entity such as government or supposed “god”, is “wrong”, not seeing realizing and understanding that I am the creator of these objects through a focus as mind where I spite through blame and label as what judgement is in fact, as the cause of my own demise.
Within this, being passively accepting of this, or aggressively enacting such behaviors , I an one side of the same coin, in that I am allowing this, unless I stop and I breath, and I direct within solution with every step and every breath, what is best for all, as what will support all life on this planet, where I realize that ego is separation from life, a cry of fear of loss and fear of death, where myself as life is not expressing itself as life, equal and one to and as life here, this cry creating objects to cling to as the ego is the subject of fear, in separation of self as life as being forgiving of self as life, this self forgiving being the nature of solution and thus direction as life, this gift of being and giving equal and one as the package of what self is here as life, complete and whole, as the gift.
I commit myself to realizing that when and as I become confusion, I am allowing and accepting myself to be and become a character of ignorance, and thus create my own being ignored as I accept and allow ignorance of life, here.
I commit myself to realizing, with and as the tools of, breathing, writing, corrective application, slowing myself down to pick up and utilize these tools with every breath, that the solution, as the substance of life is the solvent to and towards earth becoming life, where earth is one and equal to heaven, as heaven on earth, as walking through confusion and all cries of separation as ego, as the actions of ego, as desire for gain within fear of loss as the illusion, as judgement manifest as blame and spite, these energetic allowances that are non-directive and supportive solutions that develop awareness of self forgiving self as life as they are the acts that separate from being equal and one to how nature is on earth, the freely given support and substance of life, here.

To Continue with Back Chat, Reactions and Physical Behaviors.

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Day 129 Morality Character

Day 129

Today I was driving in my car when I sensed this rigid “stance” of myself, in judgement of myself, it was, as being inferior, as though another judged me as being rigid, as being too full of morality as the defenses I have been taught in the guise of being cultured, where the individual developments of what is cultured and not, are simply stages of development on a continuum, something all should have, something that reveals the capacity for development, and thus what we as humans are able within, even indicating how much we do not know, and the limitations existent within the forms as systems of development that is in essence not developing each and every one of us.,This is how I saw myself, I judged and this is judging me, as me being less than me, as this is what I fear, and I judging am being indignant. The morality play based on limitations, or as I like to say these days, an endgame, the taking of what is here and going into defense through combat, in hiding from another where fear hides the fact of a non sequitor, as energy takes over, a desire as a belief, opinion and idea, perpetual want and need, the illusion as all is right here,  accepting here, is all that is needed, as simple as this.

Going into a non-sequitur is going into hiding. Braking the conceptual ability of self as life and choosing fear and blocking communication, blocking communion as life, stopping the flow of self as life expression. 

This bothers me, to let something, to let two people not be together because of lack of communication and a morality hiding being-here, simply being here.

A mass of beliefs based on values selected without an understanding of the totality of existence, life being lost to what actually substantiates and choosing a veil where lies are slowing down one’s self into a mirage based on fear.

The veil is the storm of separation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that when I go into insecurity and fear I cling to the veil of my own separation.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my access to a morality in relation to measuring myself against another, is a rigid line of defense, in and as judgement to create a positive judgement of myself in relation to another and to ignore my own fear of loss, this being an idea in separation from life and not what is real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge anther based on manners and an inability to be direct, as this is what I am myself in fear of becoming vulnerable as speaking up as myself would mean stepping into rejection, a memory from childhood as I did not know what I am/was and was given no direction within the development of the substance of myself as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that all can be seen.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge another based on their development.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have any thought, to have any momentary belief that I am more than another, as this will not and cannot direct what is here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to not have realized this moral defense code as what it is, a separation from life, as it is a defense and not what is in consideration of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to stop when I become this, and to breath, and as well, to instead of judging, look at what I am as this moral defense code of supposed ethics, and to take the principle of what is best for all, in hand and forgive this back chat as line of defense, and utilize what is directive and substantive and stand, even if I fall, until I am able to stand one and equal as life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how my “moral compass” is in self interest and not in the interest of life as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when I feel disgust, I am in essence in disgust of myself, as what is here is me, one and equal and thus what is best for all, is to realize the being of myself in a combat suit of moral superiority as being self defense in separation from what is here as this physical world, that which is real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to step into a character of morality, filled with value judgements of more than and less than, instead of actually practically looking at what is here as life, as this physical world and directing myself within what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand, how the tunnel vision of the mind, separates me from what is here, from what is real as this physical world.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in becoming a moral compass in self interest I cast shadows of ignorance upon this earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that  remaining in and as breath, I can breath beyond the limited space of this moral compass, and direct within and as myself with and as what is physically here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize and understand that I actually have little awareness of myself as a physical being.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to actually realize how that previous thought made my left thigh ignite a small web of needles within the flesh, and fuck, I just judged myself, which is to say I have just blamed myself for my own ignorance.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that any moment of blame is not a moment of self direction.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how such a moral compass can lead to bitterness, as the back chat of the mind will judge and become bitter, that self within such morality will become a belief that no one sees what this moral compass sees as what is a value that is superior, where there might be insight within this, yet the totality of this system has not been understood within being a system that does not support development in and as the human in becoming an expression of life, and thus one and equal to life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the human has no idea of its capacity to become aware of this physical world, as this has never been developed, even perhaps developed to some extent with a few, very few at that, what would happen if all of mankind were developed to their full physical potential in common sense of this physical world? Would mankind become man kind to one another, instead of a defensive moral compass?

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, that my own moral compass is a shield, hard and brittle, that requires the substance of myself as life to be maintained, and  thus is my accepted and allowed separation from life, and thus from here - as what is here is life as what I am in substance, and this one and the same as all that is here.

I commit myself to recognizing my own tunnel vision in and as the culture of my past as my moral compass in separation from oneness and equality here.

I commit myself to breathing, to taking all judgements as slings and arrows created by self and thus separating self form equality and oneness here, back into self, realizing this is a protection defense mechanism, and breathing through the fear as my survival suit, as this suit is of substance in separation from here, able to be brought back to self, and to direct myself as what is best for all here.

I commit myself to stop, when I realize I am becoming a moral compass in separation from life, and I breath and I allow myself to realize the storm of emotion, thought and feeling cannot affect me unless I accept and allow this, as this storm of energy has not substance, and is in separation from life, and thus is unacceptable.

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Related articles

• Day 127 Standing vulnerable
• Day 125 Hiding from Contradiction
• Day 124 Bearing no witness to what is real.