Day 590 Who I am within the culture of woman. Day 5 Self forgiveness and Self Correction.

Day 5 Who I am within the culture of women.

I have been so busy reacting as being in expression of judgement as imagining that I am not being substantiated- all of which is based on self defining labels, that I have distracted myself from my own common sense. I even fear the reactions of self defining values being rendered meaningless, and placed into perspective in practical reality because an allowance over time of such emotional states to define  can become volatile and reactive as my automated defined self becomes stagnant where change becomes an illusion of loss when called out.  There is a part of me, a voice in my head that says, “ why the fuck do I have to do this” and “ why do I have to take the time to set this BS straight”  And “ get a grip and grow up, stop distracting others into your pity patter,” “ Look, no one is really trying to hurt anyone, it is all a big mis-understanding” and “ How dare you bring that BS here!” This is the voice as the back chat of protection and self defense of an ego construct, a self built value system that is a separation from being equal and one to practical reality here, where flow happens, which is where creation happens.  Do I continue to exist as a value judgement or do I become what i am, a creator?

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that my inner world is of idea, belief and opinion, and not equal and one in consideration of practical life, here, which is life in expression, and as that point of expression, as a form, change happens here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to act in self interest in wanting to define myself in a bubble in separation from reality, from life, thus I am that which I accepted and allowed a separation from being equal and one to creation, which is manifested as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow resistances as ideas, and beliefs and opinions, in and as my mind, as an entity of stagnation as imagination, fantasies, projectiles of protection and self defense as idea and behaviors of suppression to maintain my own fantasy/imagination all done in self interest/self inner-rest  where anything that threatens my own idea about myself I react to as I fear change, as I fear that which would equalize myself to and as life as ironically that which I seek, that equal respect of all life being where I live the full potential of myself as life, as this is self honesty where I allow myself to move and flow with what is real, as the physical realizing that the physical world is an expression of me and of all life, as each is me in another life expression here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that what another thinks of me, which is an act of comparison from a starting point of a self interest as self definition cannot define me, unless I accept and allow it as idea, belief and opinion, as life is an expression of which must by nature sound what is best for all to withstand the test of time and have the stability to sustain itself into eternity, which means change, into and as, what is best for all here, which is the joy and the fun of it all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see , realize and understand that when and as I have back chat, as voices in and as my mind of “ Why do I have to put up with the emotion”, or “ Why do I have to put up with this BS” or “ get a grip” or “Who does she think she is” I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I bring this back to myself, as this is a red flag of belief as self definition which is a movement, a limited expression accepted and allowed as me that is in conflict and friction with practical reality, and that even if I have noted a limitation without, it is to move into solution in realizing nothing defines me unless I allow it, and to take the belief, insight and to assess the form and align this into what would allow awareness into that which gives expression that considers all life, that brings focus, that is self honest and as such is a solution of self honesty, self responsibility which is stable and sustainable, and can withstand the test of time.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become reaction only, as emotion, and desire for a feeling of gain, a feeling of value as an idea only.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not listen to myself to see, realize and understand the very sound of my voice, as myself when in more stable and giving situations can speak in a consistent tone that needs no force.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand how physically I close myself up, pull myself in, suppress myself, as I believe what another thinks defines me, and/or my own beliefs that I have allowed to define me, may be lost and as such I would cease to exist, or so I believe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I as life am common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to become equal and one, as expression of life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when and as I fear, as in physically form myself  inferior to life as conceptually allowing one aspect to be more than another, I tense/close/constrict/pull inward/invert which is like compress within and “ burn” in a righteous protective manner, creating an energetic storm, as an emotion, that believes itself righteous, right, as I focus on an idea, belief and opinion only, and as such separate from life expression, from being a reciprocal action of giving as I would want to receive in thought word and deed , my accepted limited expression of energy as an idea, as a judgement,that shuts/rejects myself  as life, as this self honesty where I am a being in expression of common sense of all as me, of life in expression around me as the physical.

When and as I find myself reacting within and as me, becoming inferior to what is here as life in expression, be it energy as belief, opinion and/or idea, as a value used to define, a limitation that is not necessarily a good or a bad, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand the information presented and I assess, through evaluation, examination of the parts presented and I move as the moment here, realizing that life is of a sound expression, and that this is the practical application of common sense, realizing that the value is being here, in focus as respecting life as the value, and I apply the principle as this, within and as what is best for all, taking in life formation practically to practice that which does no harm and takes that which is good.

When and as I find myself reacting to a value, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I assess within me, my own accepted and allowed habit of self definition before life, to see where I am seeking profit in self interest as a self definition visible as a reaction of taking things personally, an overall separation from common sense, and I bring myself here, ground myself in the practical here, realizing nothing can be lost and all can be gained in realizing/accepting all life  as me, which means becoming practical, practicing equal consideration of physical reality as being life, living life being the value.

When and as I feel a pressure building up in my solar plexus, I stop and I breath, and I see what thoughts as belief, opinions and ideas, as my past of exposure to culture and experience within limited ideas that had no real self substantiation as life,  built of opinions and beliefs that I accepted and allowed to define me, manifest as the voices in and as my mind consciousness system construct, as energy as what is good and what is bad, as what I resist that is persisting as beliefs circulating and accumulating within and as me, falling into my solar plexus, and I stop, and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I look at the human code as the words and values attached to the words, as generational value systems in separation and limitation of life information as reality here, and I asses and deconstruct through self forgiveness, and reconstruct within the principle of what is best for all here.

When and as I find myself reacting and moving into justification and protection and self defense, I stop and I breath, and I realize what would give solution through investigation of here practically, as in looking at the detail of here, within taking that which is good and does no harm, and within this realizing that nothing can define me unless I accept and allow it, and to realize in practice that to become a belief that I am unworthy in any measure is a disrespect of life as what I am, and I stabilize myself here until I am grounded, here.

When and as I find myself believing myself inferior and/or self aggrandizing as imagination into a belief as being superior, I stop and I breath, and I look at my thoughts as my back chat in and as my mind, to self correct through self forgiveness into what is best for all, as what is a practical application of myself here as a physical being in a physical reality, to see the practical steps necessary to direct myself here.

When and as I practice being practical here, in consideration of life being the  value, I slow down, I breath, I sense the thoughts within and as me, I sense the posture of my human physical body, the instrument of my self expression as life, here, to realize where I am not equal and one to life here, as an actualized movement of equality and oneness to and as life here as the physical, to see where I am not of sound mind, meaning to realize where I am not moving with ease, with flow, with forgiveness here, as the words I speak and the tone with which I speak, and the assessment of the physical world around me in respect of life, as this is the way and the means to equalizing myself to the physical as an instrument of life, which is accepting the gift of life here, to become equal in creation with life as the physical.

Day 134 Withholding common sense development in Children is a crime against LIfe.

Last night I had a guest here who knows some yoga, so we started doing all these different poses.

It was cool to see how the body could balance and become capable of moving - as though in air, or from a line of balance- and stretch. The rolling of the front part of the body forward, with a counter motion of moving back, and then finding the balance physically, so easy when this forward/backward motion established the space - as how I see this at this moment.

There were a couple of positions  I could not do at all. It was like I could not see them, not find the balance point. I would have to do them again and again and then suddenly it would be there.

So, I looked at this and tried this -for me- difficult position. Nothing was there, like no sense was there, like a blank was there, whereas in other things I found the balance.

This would happen with the children in the schools, I would try to explain something and they would just stare into space as though they were looking for something. And no matter how many times I tried to explain the thing in another way, that stare, that blank stare was what I got. I would look at this and ask what this was, this seeming blankness.

Is it that there is no information there for the child to reach, as what they are already as mind, with no physical common sense ability with what is here? Since they have not developed any common sense, physical common sense, could they even manage to, even though they are young and limber - supposedly- sense quickly how to find balance and move their physical bodies?

I taught in a classroom and in a music room in an elementary school. The same children who were “frozen” within the demands of the classroom were also frozen within the music class and would not/ believed themselves unable to, sing.

There were some who could sing, but they were - on average not what would be called the best students. Yet, sometimes these ‘not what is considered the best” students could sing more freely that the best academically performing students. It is like the spectrum from the worst students to the best students, in elementary school, had the ones most free, naturally, within singing and music were the middle children.

If I look at the two classes where I got to know the children, the student’s who were restless within the class, meaning they did the work but averaged a B, as though they were restless and bored, or had the manners to comply but, could find no sense or stimulation within this. It was interesting that the top academically performing children were not that strong  in music.

The children who were blank were also not the strong one’s in music.

Because I was always subbing in the schools I would inevitably end up in the school music concerts in each school. I would look at the children singing in the choir, and I knew, from being in the classroom and the music room, through the behaviors of the children as they sang in the choir, and because I had played in orchestras, I could hear the sounds even from a distance. So I could see who was actually singing, and who was holding back, which we can all see if we fucking look.  And because I had two boys, the ages of most of these children, I would also see many of these children playing sports. And it was the same, the amount of focus and self “being there” presence of these children. And many who could not sing with comfort and had behaviors within their choral concerts, had the same behaviors following them within performance in sport.

No matter how much “bravado” appeared in the sport arena within them, that which was holding them back within the calm and music stood out one and the same, across the fields.

SO, this yoga “stance” that I could not find, where I new I had no sense physically of this position, where I caught others right away, with this one, I would get to point and not see it, I would become blank, meaning there was no sense “ ability” past a certain point here.

The question is why not? Why are these children unable to sense? Why are these children not able to sense across the boards? It makes no sense that there is no sense , common sense development, and that is all there is to it. This lack of common sense development is unacceptable.

This sense of what is here, also does not exist between people, how the fuck can people even have relationships, meaning exist with one anther if this is non-existent, this common sense?

But this ability to sense what is here, to the point where one can sing, or move beyond a moment of non-sensing, where the behavior is not of pulling back and hiding, but of being here, and not one of this blank spot - so to speak, but an ability to see through, move through, sense the existential “hole” met and to bring oneself here one and equal to what is here and thus be able to become  one with the common sense of what is here, in totality, one and equal to the human physical body and the space of this world surrounding self, here, with this human physical body.

It really is like, what the fuck is going on here?

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the children of this world are not being taught to use their common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I, as well have not been taught to use my common sense, and thus interact with this world, one and equal, in common sense, and that within this I have in fact never really lived.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that that which is seemingly intangible, as what is the real value, as myself as life has in no way been developed within this profit based system, where I have become knowledge and information, without any practical application, and thus have accepted and allowed behaviors to develop within and as children where the children cannot sing, cannot become one and equal to what is actually real, here, and end up staring into a blank hole in separation from the whole of existence, from their ability as life, that which enables life as what they are/we to be one and equal to what is here in common sense of what is real, here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this is a criminal act to and towards life, to withhold the development of children in and as their ability as life to be in common sense of themselves in and as their human physical bodies, especially on a world, as earth, that gives of itself freely, having no signature of ownership but what man has allowed to be placed on this earth, turning this existence into a game of survival instead of a world where life is allowed to express itself in common sense as itself as life, one and equal to this physical world.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the illnesses of children are caused through this withholding of common sense development in and as what they are, an instrument of life, and thus, as this life as what they are, capable of becoming one and equal to this physical world being one and equal in common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the nature of the child, as life, within a instrument of life as the physical body, composed of same substance, is being taught to separate from itself into limited ideas, beliefs and opinions and thus conquered into feeding a system of inequality, of service to watered down/limited/supposed lack of evidence as withholding details- non full disclosure ( which renders all laws moot because they are inconsiderate of the whole and since no one can really own anything- how can something be withheld that cannot really be owned? Is it not illegal to lend what is not owned?)  thus are our children not allowed an education of full disclosure of what they are, which is life, where themselves as life, have an innately build in ability to be fucking common sense, and thus to withhold this development is a crime against life, Period.

Commitment statements to follow.

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Day 97 The Character of Arrogance.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when I begin to doubt i am in fact no longer present here one and equal to life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that all thoughts are myself in separation from myself as life moving myself here, one and equal to life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that when I feel compelled to say something this is a character within a given situation adhering to a morality of convenience within getting along with others, where so called “ stepping outside of what is acceptable within conversation, the con-verse of social interaction will cause others disease, when it is the con-versation without self honesty that is the actual cause of disease.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that I am so busy thinking of what to say that I am no longer listening in common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to just do it, just breath and speak as myself here in common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that I have the capacity to speak within being here, one and equal to breath here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see my own defenses, often existing within arrogance, where I act superior and thus allow myself to become a character of not looking at what is here, in oneness and equality, not seeing what is actually here and instead answer to the separations of life in and as character of self interest and supposed free choice.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that arrogance is a fear of confrontation and thus a defense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to slow down when I become the character of arrogance, to see, realize and understand that I have made the decision to not look at what is physically here and stand within and as speaking in common sense as myself as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that accepted norms of convenient conversation are the converse of life, and thus in allowing and accepting myself as life I will become here and speak within the principle of equality, and thus stand against the patterns of characters/care actors  where the characters will no longer have a script in and as mind to follow as character.

i forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that air-against/arrogance is one and the same as convenient conversation, as it is the same act as being  against breath, disrupting the breath and thus will lead to disease, as arrogance of one and the same as judgement and spite with no self direction within self as life, here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that looking away, or remaining within convenience, in and as a morality code, is the following of stories, like in the movies, where time jumps super fast to (glowrified) glorified moments never showing the details of everyday existence and thus do I express happy thoughts only in conversation as I have not learned to be one and equal with and as the physical and the details of what the physical consists and exists as.

i forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to breath and to slow down, to live one and equal to all the moments, all the steps as what existence consists of in fact that are never shown or told of in the stories existent in entertainment.

i forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I have no awareness of the rhythm of this physical world, as all I know is the glow-rified moments of emotional and feeling highs as what I should exist as as the high points of life exemplified in the movies made for entertainment, where what is actually entertained is the idea that one collects memories of these moments and holds them dear.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this action separated myself from the physical, into a memory of stored valuable moments, where I miss the value of life, as interacting one and equal to this physical world, to the substance in and as life on this earth as the physical, this that is the value of development of awareness of this physical world.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that by accepting and allowing myself to become like a hollywood movie, I am one and equal as the story line of a movie, where I exist in sequences that are outside the rhythm of this physical world, and thus will die without having developed any sensation of what is physically here.

I commit myself to be one and equal to the physical world.

I commit myself to breathing in every moment to place myself back into and as the very “rhythm” in and as all the practical moments of existing within and as this physical world that are never lived in a fast paced story as depicted within a movie meant to trigger emotions with no directive to and towards what existing with the physical -where the physical is one and equal- really means.

I commit myself to utilizing my human physical body to become the sensation of life, and not the sensation of what exists with out any awareness of all the moments between the so called “emotional highs and lows” that are the con-versation presented within a system absent of an awareness of physical “time”

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Day 38 Flexibility/Movement

Day 38 Flexibility/Movement

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am a label, that a label, as what I am, defines me here as the expression I hold as my self continuously where I then spend my time validating in my relations within and as this world and the people with whom I interact not considering that life is expression and moves, where the ability of my self to move and express is dependent on this physical world and, where the care of this physical world involves awareness of this physical world and how this world functions,

within this I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to project ideas as what I am onto this physical world not realizing that in so doing I am ignoring this physical world as I have separated into an idea, focused on an idea instead of what is actually physically here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that the stagnation of my human physical body, that which is the aging of my human physical body indicates where I have separated my self from this physical world and accepted my self as an idea of what i am in relation to what i have been taught as what i have accepted and allowed my self to become to fit into a system of being a woman and focusing on creating my self in the likeness and image of what a woman is in relations to the image of a woman superimposed on this world through advertising and media, through family and education, through religion and culture within and as the role of women down through the ages, where woman were seen as a fecund object of creation, and then a goddess, and then a virgin and then a whore and then a mistress and then a wife, a daughter, a sister, as mother, a teenager, a  lover, a witch, a angel, a business woman, a nun, holy, evil, even up to an object simply used for sex no matter the age of the woman.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to allow my self as a woman to realize that in allowing this to be the label as what I am I limit the expression of my self as life within a human physical body able to use many more senses than those in the service of sex and attending to a man.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to follow ideas, beliefs, and opinions instead of directing my self in common sense here in and as my human physical body in awareness of what is here as the physical world, being flexible with what exists here instead of rigidly following ideas of what I am determined by the roles within the family where the other family members have also followed roles as what and who they are according to a system propogating images and ideas of what the human is within a system that does not support life as being a value and instead supports limitations as expression as label in an effort to feed a system of money where the being of my self can be controlled to support the movement of money, which is the movement of unconditionally given earth resource to serve in the self interest of the existence of role play as expression of some humans being more than others when in fact all humans are the same, as all humans are life, one and equal as life, where some have access to self development and others do not, as a system of how money is used creates lack for some so that others can exist within an accepted and allowed game of inferiority and superiority.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not see, realize and understand that as a human I am one and equal to all humans and that it is only my development that creates an illusion of more than and less than, where development is just as the word implies, that development is the order of walking through the steps necessary to expand awareness of self as a human physical body into understanding how this physical world works, thus within a system of lack all that is happening is that some do not have the means and the physical support necessary to walk through the order of steps necessary for development of themselves as humans beings that are in a human physical body able to exist on this planet in common sense.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that in existing as pictures in and as my mind I am following an idea, an image and not actually using my human physical body here, equal and one to this physical world.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that in not developing the sense capacity of my human physical body and instead following images in and as my mind, I am not using the sense capacity of my human physical body and thus as my physical is not used it becomes stagnant and inflexible.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see, realize and understand that my human physical body is capable of being developed to use its common sense, through following ordinary daily tasks and if I am in and as my mind following pictures I am so focused on these pictures that I no longer am able to sense with and as my human physical body and thus is my body not only rigid in following singular images directed from within but also lacking development as to become aware of my human physical body requires my full attention here and not in and as my mind as an image.

i forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that if I slow down and breath I can become aware of how much I am actually aware of my human physical body and how in breathing while completing simple daily tasks I can sense in every movement my own common sense of this physical world, where irritation, and impatience and rushing indicates how separate I actually am from this physical world and how I am not sharing my self as life one and equal to what is here that is of the same substance as life.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see, realize and understand that I cannot function unless I have water, food and shelter and thus that people living in poverty, homelessness and physically limited circumstances have no ability to develop themselves and thus to become aware of this world and how this world functions, where within a system of inequality, where some have more than others, such lack of development can allow some to have more than others where such a belief is accepted as that is the way things are, which is disregarding the fact that the human physical body, which is one and equal as all human physical bodies, that is a form that can be developed to be aware in common sense is simply not being allowed to be developed, which is a crime against life, spite towards life,as life is the value.

I commit my self to exposing the fact that what I am/be is determined on what I have experienced within my environment, and as this environment in which I live is this planet earth that gives its resource unconditionally, there is no excuse for any human physical body on this planet to not have equal access to what the human physical body needs to develop itself, since it is known that development is walking through an order of steps necessary to become aware of this physical world, and that this does not exist on this earth means that the development of life is stagnant and the system imposed on this earth, that which has been created by man is in fact inflexible and thus not in sinc with life as what this earth is and gives unconditionally.

I commit my self to stating again and again and again that it is known that the human physical body is able to be developed in common sense and that the only thing stopping this is ideas, beliefs and opinions held by the mind as the life of the mind is believed to be greater than the life of this physical world, when IN fact it is this physical world that support the mind, thus the physical world is what is real and the mind is only a system of illusion and separation from life.

I commit my self to exposing how the present use of money that represents the resources of this earth renders the human physical body inflexible as it creates personalities as label of what the human is in oder to have the human fit into roles to support profit and inequality instead of using the resource of this earth to support the human physical body to become equal and one with this physical world through walking the ordinariness of becoming aware of self as life in using the physical world to allow the development of common sense in and as life here.

Day 19: My Legs and Hip Pains- What I have accepted and allowed.

Day 19: My legs and hip pains= what I have accepted and allowed.

Here I attempt to write as the movement of my self as the reading of my self as what I have accepted and allowed as my self as energy and to not simply recite what has been learned as what I am by what i learned/accepted/lived within how I was taught/lived in and as my life, where at this point the voices and desires and wants and needs of my self are with in a pattern of emotion and feeling here in every moment as what I am in separation of my self as life and unless i begin to match these separations in this moment as the image of my self as what I believe I am, as the label of my self and slow down into breath and forgive in detail as what I am here in totality that is causing constriction showing me where I refuse to grab this searation by the fucking balls and bring this back to self humbly and gently to turn and face this storm of energy that a will only seek and explosion in and as positive energy, a high that leads to dissipation, this not wanting to die as this is all I have known, here, to this I must turn, breath an awareness of my self into as what is and cannot satisfy me and is only self punishment as separation is self punishment  and fear of self becoming self as life, to stop the bullshit once and for all of life denial, to give up the cry of fear allowing the vulnerable existence of my self to stand  and become a perpetual state of transformation as life in expression as life, directed by life, as life is what is best for self is best for all.

I forgive my self for allowing  and accepting my self to believe that i must objectify directions and file them away for reference in stead of realizing the very sound of my self as life here, strong and directive as this is what life is and to become this, start from this point and not use an idea of what this in fact means.

I forgive my self for  not allowing and accepting my to stop weighing ideas of who I am to fit into what I do, to maintain a persona to be understood within the society in which i live and instead to face what is here as here as self as life breathing through constriction and clinging to ideas of self, as how i look, as how i should appear, as how I respond to what has been repeated to me as words by relatives and friends and society, that I need the support of a man, the imagery of a man by my side in order to be accepted and listened to as a woman, where the fear of not being this is my self allowing a conditioned existence separate from my self as life, as I am life and thus unconditionable in needing something as object as image as beliefs to create as my self' as an image as a presentation in order to express and interact with life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to listen to the voice as belief in and as my mind that dictates a lack in accordance with defined and designed relationships, as ideas, opinions and presentations as a woman being next to and in service to the mind of a man, where having lived this service to and as the mind of a man, self sublimates self as life and that of the man, as the support of a man as his personality is the support of the insecurities of said man, and the continuance of the man in separation of himself, that which he seeks above all else yet also, as a man, believes is answered and found through the support of a woman, when in fact such a scenario of the impossible dream, as this man must stand as himself, removing the ideas and beliefs as imagery, just as I must, and self direct as life, must find his own spark as life and stand vulnerable as that, thus in believing this resonance as what has been taught I become separate from my self and disallow what is best for all and thus best for my self and the other point in the relationship that in totality is separation from self , as this relation is clung to as it is a limitation inconsiderate of the whole and unaware of itself as life , as this life being able to self direct from a point of clarity as self' as life, no longer shackled to separation where objects of guidance are created that are of eternal separation and not self facing self as what is actually eternal, this nothing that is everything, this nothing that does not judge, this no thing of need for support, this place of forgiving as self to life where fear does not exist.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that my accepted and allowed separations are the hooks of my mind , clinging to energy, believing energy to be real when this energy is actual dissipation and the real sense of falling, where as the self as life in humility is self breathing, where the very constrictions and non awarenesses of my self within and as breath show me the very limiting factors of the power of my self as life, where this self is muddied and held within a fuzzy logic unable to accept and allow breath as the constriction  is a firebrand of self separation  that I am in shame of believe is a punishment for what I have accepted and allowed, yet this must be brought back to self and cleaned up, deconstructed as this will life not/knot into and as eternal separation and a state of want need and desire for like minded clutching and sustenance to support this separation, where this separation will consume itself in energetic union believing this to sustain self when this is actually an ecstasy of death, where in reality this is a death of the separation of what self has accepted and allowed and thus not real, a suicide of self, as it is self in dissipation and not self in self direction as life as what is self, as this life being what is best for self is life and eternal.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see, realize that this consequential play out of self in and as energy leads to death, where as this present system exists, everything is placed to lead to this development and death into and as energy for all and everything on this planet, as this is the fire of hell and not the expression of life, manifest in extreme playouts of constricting and disallowing of natural physical expression of plant , animal, and human, and especially children, where many female children are orphaned and spend days bound in chairs as there is not effort to care for these children, no effete to respect them as life and offer them self development and direction as life, where, as I learned in Romania, much of the financial support for the orphaned children of this country was taken by officials and workers to support their own children, and thus the babies grew without stimulation of any kind, in a pen as a crib, completely undeveloped, as this is what we all accept and allow on this planet in our ignorance of how this system works within a system of profit that is ONLY the manifestation of a game of survival and competition for life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am this, I have accepted and allowed these same behaviors in and as my self as i have accepted and allowed the very roles of family, to consider only my immediate family, and within that place my self into support for other family members who themselves have accepted and allowed consideration of themselves as the very substance of life one and equal to all that is here, and that it is only this system of inequality that creates lack, evident within a belief of supply and demand, where in common fucking sense it is known what is needed to support life here, where within even this realization it is blatantly obvious that consumerism does not consider or provide for life, but supports and feeds the energetic desires of men, the energy that is of separation and thus the endless pursuit of  being in and as a substance of stability and constancy, yet consumerism promotes separation by feeling the desires of separation knowing that these desires are never, cannot ever be quenched and thus an endless source of profit.

I forgive my self  for allowing and accepting my self to not recognize the physical movement of a child bound into a pod chair , a movement of 'swaying" to be as my self where I sway as I am in waiting to discover self, not realizing that I am in fact being the experience of waiting and not licking my self up and directing my self here fro fear of making a mistake as this has never been done and the idea of standing alone, an illusion, is what is believed, signifying there remains a fear of death and loss.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear standing alone, to believe that I am standing alone.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize the illusion in and as my mind that letting go of ideas and opinions and images of how i must present my self as the image and likeness of the consumerist ads, is really the road to the death and loss of my self as life, that the leading into energetic experiences as ideals propagated by these ads is eventual un-fulfillment and death of self, where self is so busy dying that there is no life ever having been lived.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become emotional , here in this moment about all of this.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not watch the self satisfaction of my self as placing words here without any living word substance as real understood power of self in and as common sense, an illusion of knowing can present itself as a seemingly "calm" knowing, but really a rigid obsessive compulsive adherence to a belief in being structurally detailed, where this becomes what is real, yet lack a real directive capacity if scrutinized.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to go into future scenarios where I imagine what my future will be where this very experience of my self is my self in worry and fear of the future, and thus I stop my self and I breath and I look at the beliefs  and I forgive them, and return to my self here, with what is physically here and i realize I can only walk within this physical world step by step, so there is no need to dream of a future as what is here within this moment can only be walked as what is physical here, and that there space to be in common sense of what is here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that the pain in my legs, especially this incredibly hard seeming rod in my left leg, will take time to deconstruct, as I have not allowed the breath as my self to be here in this leg, placing life as awareness into this leg, where this leg has only, in my ignorance of what I have accepted and allowed,  taken the brand as the fire, as the separation as the grid of what I have accepted and allowed as belief , opinion and idea according to what is  directives within a system of inequality where I suppressed life and thus the life of my self went to sleep and it is as though my leg does not want to wake up, so compressed that it is painful to breath life back into and as this leg, yet this must be done as there is no other choice.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not see realize and thus stop through utilizing my breath, to see what I have accepted and allowed in self/life separation the judgements of what I should appear as, what my faults are within non compliance of complete and total image replication of my self , o so I believe, as woman in relation to a man, as home in relation to successful money acquisition to have the picture perfect in-mage and likeness of 

a sales catalogue home,  to believe my self lacking in ability, as in performance in word and deed where I have no real idea of what this lack of really means as I have never stood as my self and walked thus do I criticize my self for something I have never actually even been shown to be, so I criticize my self for something never attempted and thus I am merely criticizing something I know nothing about as I never applied common sense and got to actually experience that which I am just as label of lack as! Insanity.

I forgive my self  for allowing and accepting my self to  not realize that I am my own judge and juror, for my self as life, when in common sense all I have done is imitate images and never directed my self as life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear that I will cause harm to life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that the common sense of me as life, in and as breath will cause harm to life should I speak up within remaining in and as breath, as what is this commonsense of my self as breath will no longer participate in supporting an idea as image that fits into the consumerist model of existence.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am unworthy of life, that this that is the power of me as life, as self is not wanted, when in fact this is my mind messing with me, as this means the death of the mind, the stilling of separation and division into and as energy, the fear of loss of my own accepted and allowed addictions as mind.

I commit my self to breath, I breath, I breath, I breath, into my leg, I bring my self back to life, I stop the fire brand of my mind.

I commit my self to stopping reactions of "this is too hard,"  " I am unworthy," " I just want this to stop," and I breath, knowing the intensity of this is the point where this will soon dissipate as it is indicative of the death of energy seeking an illusion this this is All that is what I exist as.

I commit my self to breath, I stop this depressing sense, feeling of hopelessness as this cannot be life, as this is an illusion as all I have ever known and not myself here that is life, where feelings of unworthiness are a dis-respect of life as what I am, and if I look, I would this on no one, not anyone I know, thus this is an illusion as just as I would not want this for anyone, in common sense it is not something to be thus this feeling of unworthiness makes no sense.

I commit my self to breath, to becoming one and equal to breath, to earth, to heart, all one and the same in construction as what i am here as life.

I commit my self to breath, to breathing and realizing all constrictions and fears and depression as not what is real and only an illusion, where this is the falling of my self into and as separation, and as I breath I will walk with more and more certainty as I am on a journey to life as there is no other choice but this.

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