I notice this “ mud” as I want to call it, coming up/coming down when I am around people. I try to avoid it through talking, and then I become excited about talking which can appear calm in many ways because over time I have learned to dampen this as this is accepted social behavior, but it is really a suppression of a desire, and the desire is to hide the underlying emotions, that are a series of judgements based on past events, that, in themselves have nothing to do with practical reality.
Because I am walking the desteni I process, I have taken the time, and used the tools of self forgiveness, writing and practical application to realize what i am accepting and allowing inwardly that is slowing me down and limiting me as behaviors that separate me from being here and enjoying life simply.
The self judgements that are this “ mud” are insidious, they are myself comparing myself to a set of limited values that we can all realize, as these values are what is impulsed all around us by a world system that is in itself of limited values to control existence as a belief that men are greater than existence in total and that within this some men are more than others, this being this actual real physical world, hiding that which is real right in front of us, veiling this in the same manner within as is used without; touting directives that suggest survival within this hierarchy where if one follows the limited values one can end up accumulating money and thus sit on top or one can end up on the bottom and fall off all together. Of course there is only so much room on top, so it is inevitable that many will fall. And it has nothing to do with how hard one works, it has to do with how hard one lies directly or indirectly by omission. Lying is ignoring reality.
My value judgements are where I have accepted and allowed the limited values of this system, they are me comparing myself to limitation that is used to control. They are where I abdicated myself in common sense of life, the physical. They are my veil of separation, and they are the voices and pictures cluttered with limited values, the are vile. They are heavy, they are blinding, they lack insight, they lack depth perception. They create a bubble of pictures around me that, over time, become hidden, as the conscious mind morphs them into symbols of supposed “ good” and as this hide the bad. They are myself when I converse to validate, when that rush to tell my story comes up with a sense of anxiousness to protect others seeing my belief in myself as perhaps lacking in something. This can occupy myself so much that I no longer see my own constraints as belief, opinions and ideas that measure myself to a limited value system. They are myself bearing no real witness to life. They are myself forgetting within survival instead of being forgiving as myself as life, equal to physical reality, that which carries all of this imagined mental construct.
Just before my husband committed suicide, I started to see some things that I questioned around him. I could see one day, like a film around him, where the edges popped like the surface of soda pop. I also could see this anxiety, this subtle shaking as him, and I see this in other men too. This is the bubble of energy that is the mud of separation from being equal and one to physical existence, this is the accumulation of obeisance to a lesser god of hierarchy, and it uses the same tactics and techniques as the consumerist/corporate/economic system determining our lives around us; the media, our education system, our health system, all of it. Even the colors in the screen/surface of the bubble are the same slight blue tinge as our television and electrical lights. As within, so without. Yet so blinding is this energy when followed the real life in the shadows that is considered the “ bad” is what is real, thus life is in reverse.
We need only realize the amount of abuse and destruction via pollution and starvation, via lack of human development - all development, to realize that we are not in fact taking care of life, and as such not being life. It is the physical world that is what is real. As such the anecdotal is considered circumstantial, and data diluted with a means, is considered real, and meanwhile the abuse on the ground is all around us denied by oversight committees wanting to push the decision onto another committee because the truth be told would end their salaries.
In a profit based system, cures/solutions do not maintain dividend - the divided end; together we stand divided we fall. I mean, of course the next step is to hide data, because the numbers used simply do not add up. Ironically, with computers it can all be made visible. Digital money can reveal exactly how money moves. And programs are easy to download. Everything is moving faster too bad it was not the human within themselves. And yet, this is still the human not standing up, so it will not work, because we, each of us must in the end, stand for life. Our computers can be used to really see what is going on, this will mean standing up. What is here is to support life, and what has been created can be used to correct the inequality to life that exists. Make no mistake about it, as long as poverty exists, life does not. Equality is the way out. The only way, Becoming equal and one to and as life, here.