Day 264 Fear of speaking; thought dimension

crying baby (Photo credit: azfar ahmad | thepatahtumbuh)

A memory  of a story told often by my parents about me as a newborn baby.
Now I remember that there was another story from my first days here on earth. My parents had moved from California to the midwest. When my parents arrived in the midwest, my twin sister and I were born. In the process they had lived for a couple of months with my mother’s parents. The story is that I drove my grandfather crazy because I cried all night. I just cried and cried. I was evidently not a comfortable baby. I can remember this story being told, where my father would say that my grandfather would scream, “ Shut that baby up!”
So already, with my first days of birth I was hearing the words screamed through the house, “ shut that baby up! lol
So, as a baby something was very uncomfortable or shocking to me. And I wonder if it had something to do with things moving around in my intestines, for which as a tiny new born I had no understanding, and may be simply that the milk I was feeding on was not sitting well with me. I cannot remember this, perhaps this will come up from the depths.
Here I will forgive myself for these words, that are only a story told from my childhood about myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a memory, as a story, told by my father, about living in my grandparent’s house, where I evidently cried all night and drove my grandfather to scream out, “ Shut that baby up!”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have felt that i had caused problems because I had cried all night when I was first born and caused a memory for my parents where they told this story of how difficult it had been while staying at my grandparent’s house because I had cried all night and drove everyone crazy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe when I heard this story that I was a problem from the get go.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that this story explains nothing about what was really going on, only about the emotions of one person and the demands made on another, not addressing or explaining why a baby would cry all night.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that perhaps this was when I began to find comfort from whatever was bothering me, from what was only a new sensation within my tiny human baby body, through being picked up and comforted so my grandfather could sleep, as he was known to go to sleep very early at night and wake up very early in the morning.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not have looked at this story in common sense , where all I heard was the retelling of the words ‘ shut that baby up” and how awful it had been because I had cried all night as a new born.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the retelling of this story, makes big how uncomfortable the people involved were and explains nothing about what was physically going on that would cause a baby to cry, or perhaps what was causing me to cry, left alone, and not paid so much attention to, ( although monitored somewhat because one never knows until one knows for sure) that what I was experiencing was just getting used to this physical world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have this emotion, when this story was told, of being embarrassed.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I had already, done something wrong when I was newly born, when I heard this story.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself as causing problems based on a story, where within this story there was never any reflection on why I was crying, never any story about what might have been causing this, or if within any moment of surprise within myself as a new born baby encountering a physical world outside the womb, simply been picked up the moment i started crying, and comforted, thus I associated any reaction of surprise with being comforted and thus did not learn to face surprise within the unknown.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have judged myself as being inferior, within myself feeling embarrassed about a story told describing the early days of myself here on earth as a baby, where I had felt when this story was told that I was a problem the moment I was born.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that as a new born, I was either uncomfortable physiologically and whatever it was it was not addressed, or I was simply crying within becoming aware of things happening within my human physical body, and developed a response of crying until I was picked up and comforted, where i was picked up and comforted to be quieted so my grandfather could sleep and thus did not learn to address what might have been simply needing to get used to being here, as a baby.
I commit myself to realizing , within slowing myself down and breathing, when and as I feel that somehow there is something wrong with me, that my judgement is based on the way I perceived a story told by my parents, that described me as being a problem already at birth, a story that does not address what was going on physically and only expressed a memory of a past event as being a “difficult time” for my parents, as what was remembered was the grandfather yelling out.
I commit myself to, when and as a memory comes up from the past, to see, realize and understand where I placed a value of inferiority and to see, realize and understand the context within common sense of how the physical world functions, where i as a human organic robot operate in a certain way, and thus there really is no more than and less than, there is only the physical which follows functioning that is able to be understood, and this needs no ambiguous values placed onto what it is within being judged, and can therefor be addressed and understood.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that a crying baby means the baby is uncomfortable physically , or is reacting in surprise and if cared for, can be given an opportunity to self discover and learn to look and discover itself, here, where comforting as an immediate response, is not necessarily the best option, as a child can stop and realize it is not really hurt and self discover what is happening thus learning to face what is here in common sense instead of as a reaction that is met with comfort without diagnosis.
I commit myself to seeing , realizing and understanding that memories with emotional attachments of self judgement, and or blame and spite, are a reaction of fear, where the behavior is a self interested justification without looking at what is happening within and as the physical world in common sense, where how the physical moves can be understood, as no real parent/supposed god, would not want awareness of life for their children, in all common sense. Period.