Saturday, January 12, 2013

Day 256 Behavior Dimension : Abdication Character

I notice when I go into abdicating myself to a behavior of care that my lower back tenses up immediately, telling me what I am accepting and allowing. It is like something heavy falls down into my back, a weight. And my back stiffens. I have to breath and walk through all the forgiveness I have done, look at what I understand myself to have separated into, as in having distorted my reality as I allow myself to become fearful of being myself here, as the character I allow in protection and defense. It is like the back/behind part of me is the back chat/spite/shame/petrification and the front chest part of my physical body is a “postive” shiny/grinning/glarish/ obsequious/ shield like/ clinging to/hanging onto/ fuzzy feeling/syrupy feeling. And then as I breath it is like I have to move through past actions of judgement from moments in my life, all the way back to before elementary school and correct through forgiving the actions and the fear that was the limitation/distortion of and as being within common sense of reality, sound reality.
There seems to be one fear that i reached recently that is really warped, like it is surrounded by some monster existence, really weird shit, I can’t quite see it. I think if a child’s story of the grotesque.
Which begs the question, why would we tell children scary stories of monsters under the bed. I mean what is this? why? There is this whole natural world out there moving and swaying and interacting, and we humans sit in a bed with a child and tell wicked stories. Are we really talking about ourselves? Is this an addiction to an energetic adrenaline rush? Look at what exists on this earth! So much abuse, brutality. Even lions and tigers are more considerate, they attack their prey, go for the jugular until the animal stopsbreathing and then rip into the flesh. A quick still death. Not like what the humans do. Humans skin dogs alive, cut off the legs of large cows while they are alive, cluster animals in cages so they cannot move, stuff them and never allow them to move. We, the humans are brutal, much more so than nature and the animal kingdom. I mean, even spidersinject a paralyzing venom that kills. I would rather death by spider than death in the ways that man inordinately kills.
Anyway, the steps walked through within self-forgiveness become a blueprint of correction to stop the fear and the physical consequences of self accepted fear through equalizing judgements into common sense of life, into an absolute sound mind sense. In a way it is using the map maker of the mind to map a self distorted reality back into sound mind. I highly recommend this. You will never, ever, never, ever, ever, ever look back. Qaranteed. But it is not an easy path. Resistance is a B I T C H . Yet a bitch worth fighting with to ensure this never happens again.
I/we are a mind inflamed with morality that is a protection/defense within fear/survival lacking common sense with and as the physical gift of life. And the flame is consuming us within and without, as the systems of men, without, are a replication of what man has accepted and allowed within.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist in and as ambiguity in and as fear, a lack of common sense of this actual physical world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a composition of unsound morality, of more than s and less than s, as fuzzy ideas, beliefs, and opinions, in separation from common sense of what is real and physical here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to slow myself down, into and as breath, within and as every moment , to touch something physical, to remain here, equal and one, with and as the actual real physical world, where the joy is being in touch, equal and one, with and as the physical, in common sense, to exist within a real reality, a real story, and not as images and running thoughts, and pictures in and as some hallowed separate existence in and as my mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not sense what physically exists within and as myself here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize how what appears to be exiting within and as my physical body, is of imagery, in tandem with judgements, as emotions, and feelings, where the emotion is the separation into and as fear, and the feeling is a compound of this fear/separation/emotion/negative feeling, that is considered apositive value, where it is really a projection in and as self validating self within and as fear, accepting a superior onto an inferior awareness within common sense of what is real here.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding in detail what is every movement within and as myself , within and as my human physical body here.
I commit myself to, when and as I find myself moving physically within as a sense of energy moving within my upper back, to stop and to breath, and to become one and equal as this, grounding myself equal and one as breath, touching something physical, to realize within the in breath, what images - as belief, opinions and ideas are existent within from my past of learned morality judgement taught within a fear/survival system, to see, realize and understand a negative reaction as protection defense in fear of loss as a judgement of loss within a imposed belief of a more than I project in separation from myself as a belief that I am in lack, and thus less than, to then realize the movement within my front chest area as that which I project as a face value of having meaning, being socially acceptable, that is actually an act of self interest, of which is limited and lacking awareness of common sense of this physical world, as thus a displacement of myself as life, into a distortion of reality as I fear standing up equal and one, to and as myself as life, thus the consequence of this is a live never lived, as a life of longing, where what is longed for is right here, self as life, ease as life, common sense with and as life.
I commit myself to utilizing breath, to bring myself back in focus to here, as the physical, to realize the parts and patterns established from the parts, to see what has been accepted and allowed and the within this to place the parts and the patterns, into and as an understanding of what i have allowed myself to exist as within and without, where I realize what is existent without as the structure of this physical world as the accepted and allowed systems of men, as products of what has been allowed in ignorance within each, and to build from here an understanding within realizing the text of what is physically actually here to then begin to stand, equal and one to what is here, as this actual physical world, to begin to move with ease with what is here as I become familiar with what parts and patterns I have accepted and allowed as a determinant of what I am in expression here, as the mind/physical relationship, to correct my fear/separation into and as being within common sense of what is real, which is this actual physical world.
I commit myself to realizing that unless I am at ease within common sense, here I am in separation from the simplicity as what a state of ease would exist as, as one can only be self directive and self honest, here, where no past or future as imagery exists loaded with emotions and feelings of loss and longing, this, in a sense, a state of humility, as self forgiving of self equal and one to and as life here.

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