Sunday, April 29, 2012

Day 15 Self Judgement and Affection

Day 15 
I have a really hard time defining the word affection. It is like a blank spot, cannot find the words. The I read a blog today and someone said within their blog that affection was denied if their behavior was unacceptable. I stopped here on this statement. I can’t define this world because I feel that I do not deserve affection. Thus, blank.

It is like being affectionate is not allowed, like common sense is not allowed. I fear the reaction to common sense and affection. So, I hold it back and thus I do not know how to be affectionate. Affection is something I stop when it comes up. Like affection is not allowed to be lived, expressed.
I have watched people be affectionate and I then have back chat in my mind about it. I criticize what I feel is separate from me, what I cannot be, or believe I cannot be.

Even in the schools with the children, I was taught how to respond to the younger ones that gave affection freely. We were told to turn our bodies and hug them from the side of our torso. No frontal hugs, as this could be read as “sexual,” so even in our society here we stop a natural affection because we all have sex on the mind. This is really messed up. I have to stop affection towards affection. I have to contort my body with a child.

So, from a young age this present society is connecting affection to sex, where affection is not allowed to be just simply affection. The adults in this world can no longer stand up as affection, can no longer exist in common sense. If we cannot do this how can we really understand what it means to teach children? If common sense is shut down, and a teacher has to think about how they are to contort their body away from a child in an unnatural manner, how can that teacher really be seeing the child? They are too busy worrying that someone might think they are being a sexual pervert.

This lack of just giving affection is within family and within relationships. My family did not show much physical affection. And the last relationship I was in it was stated that affection was not something displayed publicly. And I do not mean a show of affection, I mean just some affection, natural affection. Well, a rooster needs his standing ground to display his roosterness. I did not want to admit that this relationship had to end sooner than later. Constanly being a rooster is the same as focusing on how to keep the frontal body away from a child. Both are adhering to obsessions with sex and not being present, here, allowing enjoyment of what is here and letting affection without sexual overtones being attached. 
The mind is so obsessed with sex and has come to direct us to a point where affection is second to the mind as thoughts of sex. This is messed up.

I remember my children coming up to me and, for instance, just rubbing their cheek on my cheek, it was just… affection. Ot a cat coming and sitting on my lap, this was affection, warmth, connection. I mean really, I do not want to fuck my cat. Or how about dogs? I walk my dog and she will greet another dog by touching noses, wagging her tail. Sometimes dogs go nuts, but often they affectionately greet each other.

It is the human, who as a self absorbed ego stops this affection and imposes sexual imaginings onto affection. Per-verse.

Not allowing affection, associating sex to affection, is indicative of the dis-ease of man. And this dis-ease is the separation from this physical world into a mind of imagery, memory, idea, belief, opinion, fantasy, mental rape of women, mental rape of children, mental rape of prepubescent girls and boys,  desire,  made greater than this physical world. The existence of a “one track” obsessive mind lacking common sense depth perception of this physical real world.

Even I associated affection with sex, and believe that affection does not exist for me unless it is within a sexual relationship.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that affection only exits within a sexual relationship.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to connect affection to sexuality.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear that should I show affection it will be judged as sexual.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to withhold affection because I fear it will be seen as a sexually driven act.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear being affectionate
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to take affection from others as being sexual
I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to use my common sense and realize the difference between affection and sexually driven acts.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear another adult judging an act of affection as sexual.
I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that a man who states he does not like public displays of affection, is laying down ground rules that stop the expression of a natural affection and is not at ease with himself being more concerned with an image of himself in and as his mind than what is this actual real physical reality, and within this no real trust, communication and intimacy can be established and the ideas in and as the mind are paramount.

I forgive my self  for allowing and accepting my self to be confused about the word affection.


I forgive my self for  allowing and accepting my self to feel that I do not deserve affection.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I do not deserve affection.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that affection is dirty.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have rejected affection because I felt I was unworthy of affection.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear showing affection.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear that should I show affection it will be rejected.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to get tied up in knots at the idea of giving and accepting affection.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear affection.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that affection is unnatural.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to avoid affection.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to feel disgusted by affection.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to be disgusted with my self when I show affection.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to be disgusted with being given affection.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have a memory of my father apologizing and hugging me where I wanted to run away, and thus I associate affection with apology and feel trapped.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel caught in a trap when affection is given.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to realize I have very little experience with affection.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that I have not had any real affection even with my twin sister that I can remember.
I forgive my self for not realizing that there was a childhood friend I had some affection with but this was short lived, as her mother stopped the relationship suddenly as my father had written an article she disapproved of and thus I never saw this girl again.
I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to remember another childhood friend who fell on the street while she was with me, and a rock cut a mark on her forehead and her mother said I was unlucky, which my father would also say to me, and I was never allowed to be with this girl again.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that should I be affectionate I may cause unlucky situations.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am untouchable , which is a label that has been said to me.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear being affectionate for fear this will lead to loss for my self and others.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to connect affection to loss.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to connect affection, the word affection to loss.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to define the word affection within loss.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to separate from my self through defining the word affection within loss in separation from my self.

I commit to realizing that my fear of affection is based on childhood memories and not what is real here, as this physical world.
When and as I face affection, as my self wanting to give affection, or receive affection, I stop,  I breath and bring my self here and realize that I need not fear affection.
When and as I fear affection, I stop and I breath, and I bring my self here, and I accept affection as simply being a closeness, a physical touch and I do not allow my self to become superstitious and project a belief onto affection based on my past.
When and as I face affection, I stop, I breath, I realize that a giving of affection is just this, affection, a closeness and not what is projected as mind.
I commit my self to standing up and supporting a system that supports life in this earth, where the present world system is changed to a system of equality, a system that supports all life to realize itself as life, equal and one to life, where what is developed in the human is common sense of this physical world as the gift of life, and not a system that promotes in various ways an obsession with sex, as the development of an obsession with sex is profitable in and as the porn industry and  through focus on sex, the diminishment of the human away from physical common sense of self freely expressing affection without fear of sexual connotations.
I commit my self to revealing how the judgements of the mind, become experiences a child will carry into adulthood and if not forgiven or understood, will resonate within that child turned adult and affect that human within all relationships through out life unless cleaned up and forgiven through speaking the words of forgiveness, written out, and a corrective application stated to stop the back chat as the mind until it is clear and that child turned adult can begin to self direct as life as all as one as equal.




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