Day 8 A desire to be Social

Day 8  A Desire to be Social.

When my husband died I was so busy raising my children and going to school that I did not have much of a social life. Now that my children are in college and I am alone, I still do not have much of a social life. For while playing with a orchestra and other musical venues provided social interaction, and I even dated someone and that brought dinner parties, and thus social interaction. Being a single mom did not include dinner parties. We just do not get invited, as it is believed that a single woman is a threat. It takes two, not one, so this judgement is clearly an indication that we as humans abdicate our own self responsibility when we create a label as a single woman being a threat. The single woman is not the threat. This is placing an action on a noun and this leads to projecting a belief onto an image, where the action of the people are not the cause.

We see this in many many many ways in this world, where an object becomes the blame and not the actions carried out by each and every human. It is the collective actions of man that have created this world, each and every one of us.

And I am this as well. I believe that I need to appear to be social. I even have had moments in the last week where I thought that I did not want to be home, that I needed to be out being social, existing as a picture of "standing amongst people" just like a advertisement. So this is my self wanting to be an idea as a picture where this 'social scenario" will fulfill some desire, all this placing a "cart before the horse" the cart being my mind and the horse being my self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to desire to go out and be social which is my self placing value on being social and wanting attention.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that there is something wrong with me for not having "social situations" in my life at the moment that appear as the social gathering images scene in advertisements.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that social interaction defines what it is that I am.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to place value on social gatherings as indicating success and acceptance with my self as a person where I use the absence of such happenings into and idea that something is missing in my life as I do not fit into the images of what a "happy, fulfilled life" as what is sold and advertised through the media.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to define my self as a threat to society because I was a single mom and am a single woman, where I believe that the only way I will be invited to dinner parties is if I am with a man.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become angry with men and woman who are married when they come and speak with me in a public place yet have nothing to do with me on a personal level in any other situation.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to define my self as a single woman within being a failure.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to connect single woman to being a threat.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to define being alone as unwanted socially.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear being ignored and outcast socially because I am perceived to be a threat socially, not realizing that this is an idea held in absence of common sense of this physical world.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to desire to be involved in social scenarios, giving value to an idea of a relationship separate from my self as my self in directing my self here, where in fact the existence of my self here on earth in my human physical body is being present with this physical world, where I can interact and get to know this physical world as this is what is real and not a scene where I am the picture presentation of standing with a group of people seeking attention , entertainment and validation through social interaction.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that my desire for social interaction is my self wanting a fix, wanting to prove that I have value according to a system that places value on being the picture of a socially busy and thus accepted person.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that desiring to "be social" is the ego as the mind, a mind that exists in a limited design where values are within relationships as propagated by family, education, and society within a profit based system created by men that build ideas and beliefs of how the human should appear within and as this world so that the products needed to support such are then able to be sold and consumed ensuring profits and interest dividends to flow to a few.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that in wanting to fit into the picture of being social I am feeding into a system that dictates the behavior of the human, a human that abdicates self responsibility to the point where blame and threat are placed onto woman within society to ensure that the human never realizes self as this would mean that I/ the human would figure out that I/the human have been programmed since birth to believe that should I not exist as supporting relationships with other human beings as not all that I really am, then this system of abdication of self responsibility for all that I am and all that I say and all that I consider in every moment is a separation from this physical world and only an illusion in and as the mind.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting myself to see, hear and realize that the behavior in social groups, which includes people in work places and orchestras, are extremely competitive and spiteful, incessantly worried about what others are thinking and also wanting to climb the ladder and so attacking those they believe are a threat to their own ascension to the front of the group, or to the top of the pile, which is all just a game of survival for the individual and a complete lack of awareness and consideration for life and only a consideration for the system of money and sex.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self as a single woman, to realize that in labeling a single woman as a threat, everyone in society, men and woman alike, have sex on their minds all the time, thus the label of a single woman being a threat is an indicator of what people actual think about, so not only is the label abusive and inconsiderate of a woman as life, it is also showing the obsessive sexual thought that spins continuously in the minds of men who fear and hide their obsessions with sex, and no matter how hard one tries to hide this, it is heard in the cries of blame and label believed and lived in behaviors such as treating a single woman as socially unacceptable, seen in the fact that the only time I was invited to dinner parties was when I was married or had a boyfriend, thus the bigger the cry as label by an individual the more obvious the worry and obsession as thought within the mind of that crier.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that in wanting to be social, I am actually desiring sex, as in wanting to be social I am seeking relationship and this is also the game of sex, seeking relationship which is self hiding from self, thus self fearing self responsibility, where self responsibility is being self as life, and thus self as life is realizing life and this physical world, and this has not been taught - to realize and become one with this physical world- as all that is known by the human is an alternate reality as mind in energetic fixes as ideas separate from life in and as images, pictures, thoughts that have been made bigger than life, as mind is developed and made to seem real through emotions and feelings, where emotions and feelings are an indication of fear, as this is the very act of separation from what is real, the physical, this that exists as we, each human has accepted and allowed this to be what we are. We are the cause of the disregard for life that is prevalent on this earth.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that many times at dinner parties and social gatherings all that was lived was a pissing contest of egos wanting validation and support, where I listened to the stories of woe and worry of others, like one big crying fest, a festering of fear, so, yes a social gathering is often a fest, meaning a festering.

Thus within this, this desire to want to be social is a mirage / a mirror image of the mind and thus myself in separation of life, my self wanting an energetic fix, self dishonesty, where should I go and seek this satisfying in and as my mind, I will only join the fest of festering as a gathering of minds complaining and blaming with no clear directives out of the infinite design of the mind spinning from one polarity to the next, finding no resolution only agreement that there is much sadness in the world, and just as I said, agreeing to sadness as an end game is a festering in emotions, not a solution and directive to create a world that is best for all and supportive of life, thus social gatherings within a system of survival lack a directive as the principle of what is best for all.

Within this, I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to label my self as a single woman, as I am life and not the mind as label.

I am here.

I am breath.

I am breathing.

I am life.

I commit my self to standing up as the principle of what is best for all is best for life, and should I be invited to a social gathering it is my responsibility to become that which is missing, the principle of oneness and equality, the principle of what is best for all, where I as the sound of the principle of what is best for all will have to cut through the cries of the mind, the broken recording of the mind and speak the words of equality until it is heard, even as the cries of the mind may rise in intensity as the mind fears losing its voice, here I stand, breathing and while even at first shaky what will be the voice of my self is the principle of oneness in equality, that which is best for all is life, and the worry and anger and blame in and as the mind is not and cannot be life, as life is an absolute directive as what is best for all.